RE: Filthy Gamer in Narutoverse

Shoutout to Cup of Love for Patron Support!

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Hentai Shinobi Rule 4: A Shinobi must always put the prospects of the harem above missions.

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Kushina feared being alone with Mito. She knew why she was here. Her clan wouldn't have sent her to Konoha against her will. It was… complicated. How could she not help her clan? Kushina was born with an exceptional chakra, or so Old Ruuji taught her. Her powers also came with responsibilities, something shared by the Legendary Hashirama Senju's wife—Mito Uzumaki. But… despite all her promises, she felt afraid.

She was afraid of how she might react if left alone with Mito. She didn't want to sound hurtful. What if she said something and Granny Mito got a stroke, as Ruriko warned her? She was old, after all. Kushina did not want to hurt Mito after their most recent, enlightening datte-chat. Still, she ended up alone in Mito's room after a filling meal, thanks to Kai-Chan.

Her slim fists clenched into her clothes as Kushina avoided Mito's kind gaze.

"G-good afternoon, Granny…"

"Good afternoon, dear," Mito smiled and questioned. "Did you enjoy your meal?"

Kushina's eyes brightened. "Yes! I loved it, dattebane!" The girl gushed. "The broth was so flavorful. It was different from the ones I liked in Uzu. But I also loved this one."

"And Kai?" Mito chuckled as she beckoned Kushina. The girl idly neared the bed and casually sat near Mito's legs, giggling.

"Kai-chan was fun. He looks so cute when angry." Then her eyes widened. "Isn't he also, like, super talented? Why didn't you tell me Kai-chan never trained in shinobi skills? He said he learned leaf sticking exercise in three days!"

Mito noted this information and smiled, "How did he learn it if he never entered the academy?"

"Looking at others," Kushina pouted. "It sounded unfair. How does someone just look at others sticking leaves… wait, that makes sense, he-he!" She giggled with a slight blush.

Kai merely found Kushina to be the best source to plant information about him. After all, Kushina would speak with Mito about things that may sound childish. Just because Mito did not question Kai about his training did not mean Kai was blind and did not understand that Mito had her eyes on him.

"Do you like the village?" Mito hummed. "You will enter the academy by the end of the month after I test your theories."

"Eh?" Kushina blinked before looking thoughtful. "Konoha… felt backward. Buildings in Uzu are taller and larger. Say, Granny. Why doesn't Konoha have weather seals for farms and livestock? I didn't see any. There wasn't even a proper utility seal store." The girl pouted.

Mito couldn't help but giggle and rub the round-headed girl's hair. "Ah, Konoha has its good side, too. Didn't you say you liked the ramen? What is stopping you from creating similar seals?"

"Well," Kushina grinned. "I don't know how to form them. But Grandpa Ruuji taught me all about those chains."

At this, Kushina's mood dropped. Her shoulders slumped, and she felt guilty about not looking at Mito's eyes.

"Grandpa Ruuji said… scary things about the Bijuu. Is it true that it comes into your nightmares and eats you?"

Mito looked away before she whispered. "That lad… Ruuji was trying to scare you, Kushina. Why did you still agree to it? You had a choice."

Kushina blinked and looked at Mito.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Hmm?" Mito matched Kushina's bright gaze.

"The more Grandpa Ruuji said terrible things about the monster, the more I felt bad about anyone having to be its vessel. I… If I can… if I have what it takes… I thought it would be better if I became the vessel. This way, others won't have to feel bad about their kekkei genkai."

Mito looked at Kushina for once. The girl appeared to be her equal, not in experience but devoted conviction.

"Ruuji was wrong," Mito sighed. "Kyubi does not appear in my dreams, Kushina. It whispers into my ears… it's always there. The barrier ninjutsu around this complex was never my cage… the Kyubi fulfilled that role."

Kushina's eyes widened as Mito released another repressed sigh. She peered deep into Kushina's soul through her eyes. "Kyubi… is part of me. Its sins are mine. Do you understand? We, the Jinchuriki… we become the nightmare."

Kushina's lower lip wobbled as she slowly hugged Mito's torso. Her voice shuddered, but the girl did not lose her conviction. "I won't let anyone else feel that way, Granny. I…" She choked back a sob. She would lose her freedom.

She would… never see home.

But it was fine.

She just needed to remember whom she was doing it for—

"Look at me, child."

Kushina looked at Mito, meeting the woman's kind gaze.

"Do you know how am I still alive?" Mito questioned.

"Because… you aren't dead?" Teary-eyed, Kushina tilted her head.

Mito exhaled a chuckle before shaking her head.

"I want you to experience the academy, Kushina," the woman affirmed. "Don't think about Kyubi for now. And keep it a secret."

Kushina wanted to say something but slowly shut her lips and nodded.

"Good. Now go to your room. I sent several books to you. Read them. Your tests begin from tomorrow."

"What?" Kushina pulled back. The betrayal stung.

Mito chuckled and pointed at the new artifact in the room. It was a bamboo stick.

"Do you see that?"

Kushina nodded.

"That will be against your rear till they are red if you fail in any of these tests."

Kushina gaped as Mito questioned. "Why are you still here? Do you want to fail?"

And Kushina became one with the wind, rushing out the door with a loud 'dattebane.'

"Sigh, silly girl."

"I like to call them fresh sacrifice. Hmmm." A satisfied, monstrous purr echoed in her headspace as Mito snorted.

"Kushina is a strong girl. She'll beat your ass in due time."

"I'll skewer her cunt to face in your memory."

"And if she doesn't want to take on this responsibility… you will die along with me. I reckon you'll need several years to reform, yes?"

"You filthy, slutty—"

"Eh," Mito lay on her back. "All you have are cheap insults."

*Knock* *Knock*

The corner of Mito's lips lifted as she called Kai inside.

The boy was talented. Kushina merely confirmed some details Mito had already predicted.

She could also see the two were quick to become friends.

<<<>>>

Kai deadpanned and looked at the devil. The devil was not something one looked at the first thing in the morning. Though old, Mito was like the shining ray befitting an angel… not the biblical cacophony of eyes chiming—Be not afraid—mind you. But an angel nonetheless.

Kushina?

She was the devil. Others might think she was innocent. But evil was second nature to the devil, so evil was innocent in the devil's eyes.

"Come on!" she pouted. "I said I'm sorry. I won't force you on my lap again… promise!"

It only sounded worse. 'Bitch, are you planning to persuade me onto your lap instead?' Kai scoffed and shook his hand out of her grasp.

"Please, Kai-chan," Kushina reached to hold his sleeve. The gall of this bitch.

"I… I don't have any friends," she said, looking at him with those devilish, round, violet eyes.

'Yep. I call that justice,' Kai worked his jaw.

"We can do what you like," Kushina appeased. "Maybe bathing in the pool? Didn't you like the ramen from yesterday? My treat!"

Kai squinted. Okay, she was getting somewhere.

"A-and toys!" she nodded before noticing his furious glare and back peddling.

"Not toys. Uh… training?" That's all Kushina knew about.

It worked.

'Damn, the devil. She knows the ways of temptations!' Kai sighed.

"Fine," he drawled, rolling his eyes at her.

"So… friends?" Kushina grinned.

'Bitch, are you stupid?' Kai tossed her a strange stare. "Weren't we already? Or are you used to begging from strangers?"

"How rude!" Kushina fumed the second she got what she wanted, showing her true red colors. Those tight, clamping fingers of hers mauled and assaulted his cheeks as she grinned. "I wasn't begging. Heh! I always knew you were my friend, Kai-chan!"

And then the terrible hug.

Kai's being revolted at her brutish grip and bony body smashing into his supple, superior form.

"Ah~ Why must you be so soft, Kai-chan?"

"Let's go to a barber," Kai nodded, his chin accidentally settling into the crook of her neck. There was no way he would do so otherwise.

"Barber? Why?"

"To shave your head bald."

"Pfft, you're funny, Kai-chan."

Kai gently held the girl's hand before leading her into the streets.

"We're going for ramen. Right, Kai-chan?" Kushina audibly gulped as Kai took a different turn from yesterday.

"N-No! I was joking! Promise! I won't touch your soft cheeks again!"

'Why does it sound worse!' Kai almost shed a tear.

Almost…

Nah, he feels emotional.

Emotions were supposed to feel good…

All those rom-com movies lied to him!

<<<>>>

Days flew by as April came to an end. As expected, Kai continued in the ways of the grind despite the devilish obstacle from the faraway land. Of course, being the angel she was, Mito ensured to shackle the devil with several theories she forced the devil to memorize before the inevitable…

Well, Kai only accepted the deal once Mito ensured she wouldn't hand over the dishwashing chores to others.

To be honest… Kai felt he could farm more SP by taking on other chores. But he thought he struck a balance by SP farming through dishwashing and focusing on the grind for his stats.

Still, it was the end of the month, and Kai planned to exchange the chores.

He could get a new skill and still farm one SP daily, as usual.

Of course, Kai won't touch the chore of washing clothes despite a three-foot pole. Who knows what others do… and leave sticking to their clothes.

Nope. Not gonna do it.

"We have a couple of new faces, class." A deep, welcoming voice snapped Kai out of his thoughts. He glanced to his right and found a shivering Kushina. She couldn't even look at the classroom. If only Kai knew about the devil's weakness when they first met—stage fright.

Kai looked around, noting several individuals.

Konoha Academy.

The spacious classroom had several stair-like benches, and dozens of students focused on Kushina because of her prominent red hair.

Their sensei, Icha Kato, had a deep voice, short brown hair, and dark skin. He looked at the class before turning to Kushina. His encouraging stare bolstered the girl to step up beside the podium.

"I'm Kushina Uzumaki!" she introduced herself, blushing red.

Soft murmurs echoed within the classroom as Kai heard a few things.

"Her hair… it's so red."

"It looks funny… I think?"

"Definitely strange! Why is it so red?"

"Haha, she looks weird."

'Red hair is funny?' Kai blinked. 'Damn. People of Konoha will laugh at anything, huh?'

Kai couldn't see what looked weird about Kushina. She wore a yellow top and black spats over her mesh shirt, its sleeves and neck sticking out. Kushina also spent an annoyingly long time brushing every strand of her red hair into its proper place. It galled Kai to admit it, but she looked cute for a girl her age.

And if Kai heard them, Kushina did, too.

Embarrassed, Kushina touched her red locks while feeling stifled by the stares.

She must do something.

A good impression, yes.

A good impression was a strong one—

"I… I will become Konoha's first female Hokage!" She announced, silencing the class before other students erupted with laughter.

'Is Kushina… funny?' Kai blinked owlishly. Where was the joke? Did his humor fall so low that he couldn't find the joke?

Oh, no…

Gamer Mind fucked with his humor!

'Oh, wait. I forgot. These are stupid kids,' Kai exhaled in relief. He almost experienced his first existential crisis!

'But these kids laugh at everything, huh?' Kai smiled. 'They'll probably die without banging a single kunoichi, given their abysmal capacity for humor. But that would be a regular Tuesday to these folks…'

"Enough," their sensei shot a disapproving glare as Kushina bit her bottom lip.

'Well, that wouldn't do. Kushina will ruin my training and chores if she gets sappy now,' Kai frowned as he stepped up.

The classroom focused on him as he smiled at everyone.

"I'm Kai," he introduced himself. "I'm Kushina-sama's humble helper, dattebane~!" He purposely added the cursed word.

His words instantly surprise the class before they start laughing at his verbal tic.

Kushina stopped fidgeting and looked at Kai with a shocked look before seeing him smile at her.

Her gaze glimmered as she returned a grin of her own.

There.

Now, he just had to feed her ramen, and she'll be out for the afternoon.

Truly…

Kai feared his genius sometimes.

"Did you hear that?"

"Dattebane? What's that?"

"Pfft! He looks weird, too."

"Yep, he looks like a girl!"

Kai was inwardly alarmed. Oh, fuck. What would happen if some boy developed a crush on him and tried pulling his hair instead?

But for once, Kushina shot everyone a disastrous glare. Chakra visibly shook around her, allowing her long, flowing locks to levitate like Ruriko's did as their Sensei was too late to stop Kushina from invariably scarring the children's mind with an unchecked wave of dense chakra.

"I'll beat anyone who laughs at Kai-Chan!" she issued an intimidating hiss before grabbing Kai's wrist—for the plushie he was—and dragging him to the front of the seat.

She growled at the nearest boy, almost biting his head off.

"Move, stupid!" Kushina snarled at the boy, who quickly squeaked out of the seat.

"Hmm," satisfied, Kushina let Kai sit before sitting beside him and crossing her arms.

The entire classroom silently stared at the duo until their Sensei began the class.

Meanwhile, Kai looked pleasant. He even forgot Kushina had called him Kai-Chan in front of the class.

[Title Acquired]

[Konoha Student: You have taken your first steps into becoming a part of the continental child-soldier program. Praise be the Will of Fire.

Effects: Unlocks Academy Skill Tree; Reduces the requirement of leveling up skills from Academy Skill Tree by 10% (Active)]

Kai beamed as he looked at the Academy Skill Tree.

All these techniques were E-ranked at a glance. However, none of these techniques had any skill evolution. Which shouldn't be the case. Kai had already unlocked the leaf-sticking exercise, which evolved into the chakra spiral technique. So why would it not show in the skill tree?

The answer came quickly to Kai that the skill did not belong in this skill tree.

This meant other E-ranked skills/jutsus also had skill evolutions but did not show within the Academy Skill Tree because these skills were never taught to the students.

Nodding at his deduction, Kai didn't hurry to spend his SP and unlock the skills. Didn't he enter the academy to learn? Kai could unlock the skill by waiting for his sensei to teach them!

Kai put away the skill tree and focused on the class before realizing he already knew the content of the lessons. Well, he had been learning under Mito since he was four. She also took a shine on Kai and taught him the basics of the sealing language as a testament to his talents.

Bored, Kai chose to glance at his status to feel modestly superior.

Others might not realize it, but looking at one's stats was a path to zen. The numbers tickled the brain in the right way!

[Name: Kai

Age: 8

Title: Konoha Student

Gamer Traits: Skill Tree; Sleepless Gamer

Skill Points: 39→52

Chakra: 10/1000 (1/hr)

Physique: 8→13/1000

Mental: 6→9/1000

Perception: 26→30/1000

Chakra Control: 10%

Skills:

Titles:]

*Snore*

Kai blinked and looked to his side, finding Kushina slumping her head and sleeping without a care.

Why wouldn't she?

Sleeping was her first step into becoming the first female Hokage!

The classes continued until a few minutes before Icha-Sensei became fed up with one of his transfer students and struck his chalk at Kushina's head with admirable precision.

"Ah! Is it recess, 'ttebane?!" Kushina looked around before grumbling and settling down.

If only this stopped.

Kushina stubbornly entered the cycle of sleeping, getting chalked, and then being laughed at until she snapped at others. Oh, boy. That was a mistake. Icha-Sensei wasn't the kind to pity bad students.

Kushina did fit the bill as she stood outside the class with buckets of water in her hands—endurance training—if you will.

Meanwhile, Kai calmly entered the Total Concentration state, grinding for his perception stat. The more he grew this stat, the more Kai could feel things around himself and within.

As for the classroom… it was still in its theories.

Kai and Kushina did not enter the first grade. Sure, Konoha Academy was divided into six grades, and a student could become eligible for entry as young as 4-6! However, the academy curriculum was flexible. One could graduate in a year if they fit the bill. So, there was always that classroom within the academy filled with several clan shinobi already aware of most of the theories and practices that spend a year within the academy and graduate to enter the Shinobi Corps.

Kai and Kushina entered such a class.

While Kushina cared little about it, Kai understood that it was probably Mito's support for Kushina to form friendships with others who could keep up with her monstrous hyperactivity.

Kai would have gone down this path if he did not possess his trait.

But he did.

So, he didn't give a flying fuck about political relationships. He would find a cool dude to geek things out with and call it a day. For instance, he heard about the Nara Clansmen being based. He wanted to experience it himself.

<<<>>>

There should be a case study of how Kushina got herself cornered within a few minutes of recess by a group of boys, a strange bunch at that.

Kai glanced at one of the boys sporting a… what haircut was that? It had regular bangs, but his hair puffed up like a broccoli. Was there a name for such a haircut, or did the boy possess unfortunate genes? If it was the latter… would he grow broccoli pubes? Kai wanted answers!

"We'll call you tomato from now on!" Claimed the first boy, reaching to touch Kushina's hair. Yep. The boy liked Kushina but rolled nat -20 in communication. Kai felt for him. He couldn't have done any better. After all, the mating rituals suggested pulling the hair of your crush, pushing her down the swings, and buying her ice cream—chotto matte! What kind of forum website was that?

Hmm?

Imdefinitelyaboypleasegetmecupcakes dot com.

There must have been some toxic person inside the website. After all, what could the website's creator be besides 'Definitely' a boy who wants to eat a cupcake?

"Yeah! We'll call you tomato! And we'll call that kid dattebane—"

Kai pulled sideways as the boys' figures flew in a graceful arc before landing on the stairs and rolling to the floor. The entire classroom fell silent. Some stopped eating their bento… while cultured youths like Kai only found their bento worthy of consumption with such entertainment.

"Who are you calling a tomato?!" Kushina beat the fat kid, demanding with a furious growl. "What did you just call Kai-chan?"

'Please… I beg you… stop with Kai-chan this, Kai-chan that…' Kai's lower lip wobbled before he looked at the fat kid. He was too fat. He seemed to possess more weight than Kai and Kushina combined!

It was unfair for Kushina to beat him.

"Yeah! What the fuck did you just call me?!"

Kai jumped the boy with Kushina, hating on the kid with their Ramen-Might. Kai had to make it even! Now, the boy can stop feeling like he was going easy on Kushina due to the difference in their weight.

"Fight back!" Kai hollered with a grin.

"Go on!" Kushina chirped with a similar smile. "Say what you were saying again!"

"Kushina, look here. Position your legs here and angle it like that. It won't leave a mark," Kai instructed.

Finally, Kushina learned something useful—

"You two!" Icha-Sensei flickered into the classroom with a stormy expression and some sauce smeared on his lips. "Stop this immediately! Faculty room, now!"

Kai and Kushina paused before looking around.

"Us?" Kai blinked.

They were merely exacting justice. Sure. The boy got beaten up… but it was a sacrifice they were willing to make!

"Who else?!" Icha-sensei fumed.

"I… could I bring my bento along?" Kushina inquired. She never got to eat anything.

"NOW!"

Kushina felt sour. She never got her answer.

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Alternate Title: *Insert Fight Back Meme*; *Insert Tobirama Meme*; *Insert Jojo Meme*; *Insert Jumping Kaizen Meme*; A Determined Kushina; Heart of Gold; Kyubi Does Fit a Certain Stereotype; Nightmare Vessel; Mito Transitions Into Angel *Sprouts Eyes Everywhere*; The Angel and The Devil; Tests; Fresh Meat; Kushina is One Kai-chan Away From Being Bald; Academy; Students; The First Lady Hokage?; Tsunade: Must Have Been The Wind; The Humorless Classroom; Kai: I Don't Wanna Be Political And Find a Based Friend *Also Kai: Nara*; Detecting One Based Blonde Within Vicinity; The Sleeping Hokage; Ruined Impressions; Nobody Laughs At Kai-chan's Sweet Cheeks But Me—Kushina, Probably; The Dattebane Effect; Tomato?; The Entertainment; Academy Skill Tree?; Single Skills; THAT Classroom; The Based Classroom; Cornered; Kushina's Documentary: Ramen And Its Affect on the Stomach; Kai Loves a Fair Fight; Kai Eventually Learning From Tobirama and Jumping a Pregnant Uchiha To Make It a Fair Fight; Kushina's Missed Meal; Icha's Two Problem Students; What Sites Did Kaye Browse *Skull Emoji*

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