RE: Filthy Gamer in Narutoverse

Hentai Shinobi Rule 37: Everyone's straight until 20 Ryo hits the table.

***

Tsunade barely paused to examine Kushina and Mikoto before leading them back to the town. From what she gathered, Kai must have noticed something peculiar before demanding to stay behind. Some Shinobi may underestimate a genin. However, Mito made Tsunade aware of Kai's prowess early on. The boy outperformed his peers within months of training compared to their years of persistence and never looked back, maintaining a similar pace of improvement ever since.

So, it was within the boundaries of the reason for Kai to have noticed something Tsunade had missed. He had also been a pleasantly surprising element since Team 9 departed Konoha, from dealing with the horny chakra bear to noticing the informant and not being his usual… self. Meanwhile, leaving a shadow clone with Kai was an obvious decision. Despite his advantages, Tsunade didn't believe Kai possessed any chance of survival against a skilled shinobi within a Jonin's rank. Her clone would provide a buffer and assist Kai.

'Although, a wooden clone would have been substantially better,' Tsunade exhaled, feeling inferior to Jutsu's creator—her grandfather. Tobirama's records and inspiration for the Shadow Clones reflected how highly the Second Hokage regarded the Wood Clones Jutsu. Tsunade wouldn't have been as worried for Kai if she had a wood clone beside him instead of a shadow clone.

'Huh,' Tsunade thought, somewhat amused. 'Maybe Kai found nothing. My luck's shitty anyway, and only one Iwa Shinobi was pulling the strings.'

Informants worked alone. The Shinobi Tsunade dealt with could have been one despite that man acting like anything but a spy.

The blonde's eyes widened halfway through Chikara Town. Her formerly relatively leisurely pace dramatically accelerated as she left the bewildered Kushina and Mikoto in the dust. However, the girls seemed to realize something as their skins paled further behind splattered blood. They attempted to keep up with Tsunade to no avail. The woman was gone, leaving Kushina and Mikoto dreading the worst.

*Swish*

*Swish*

*Swish*

"Out of my way!"

Kushina and Mikoto stalled at the sight of Tsunade shouting against a squad of five familiarly masked men and women without the usual red, flame-like seal on their left shoulders. They wore sleeveless black outfits with grey flak jackets strapped on their torso, extending to identical swords fastened on their backs and sturdy bracers around their arms. The bright morning's glow did nothing to hide the eerie atmosphere these men and women shared in contrast to the haggard looks in Kushina's and Mikoto's eyes, even if they should look more vicious after being drenched in blood.

"You were instructed to wait for our arrival, Jonin Tsunade."

<<<>>>

"Is that so?" Kai paused and looked at the unconscious man tied with black, squiggly ink markings acting as ropes. It was an unknown shinobi dressed in Iwa's attire. However, the boy instinctively knew the unconscious Shinobi was the unexpected Explosion Release Jonin. The man's ruined left eye would have been a dead giveaway if Kai's instincts stalled for whatever cosmic-inclined reasons.

Despite the destroyed structure around him and dust matting his features, peculiarly sticking to the blood splattered on his body and clothes, Kai maintained indifference as he looked up to the carrier of the unknown Iwa assailant. Tall and built, the man with long blue hair wore a porcelain rhino's mask adorned with red at the center of his forehead.

"Tsunade-Sensei failed to mention that," Kai shrugged before smiling. "Screw with her record if you want to."

"Your name is Kai, correct?" The anbu… no, the shinobi was something else. Kai had never seen any Anbu without the Hokage's seal, which consisted of something similar to two-sided flames with a spiral in the center. However, Kai didn't doubt the man's affiliations with Konoha. After all, he recognized the unknown 'Anbu.'

"Look," Kai cleared his throat. "Sir, no, Anbu-san. I'm tired."

Retreat was always the best option in uncertain times. Despite the idea of trying his hand against an opponent who could capture the boy's previous opponent without a scratch on his body, Kai had no available senbons. This moment of vulnerability led Kai to another drastic idea!

'Can I transform and mimic seals?'

Kai won't undersell his efforts. He did injure the unknown Iwa Shinobi. It must have played a significant role in allowing the Anbu to capture him.

"Is your name Kai?" The shinobi repeated as his eyes narrowed behind the dreaded porcelain mask.

"You didn't let me finish, Anbu-san," Kai replied, smiling. "As I said, I'm tired. And I understand you're still searching for your mother, Dan-san. So? Why don't you ask Jiraiya-san? He fucked a woman after Minato's party that looked like you. You might luck out and get a step-father—"

The boy giggled and dodged the sudden kick against the nearby rock as it throttled right by his ear. "Ah, sorry? Was your name Dan? I just call every stranger a 'Dan.'"

As the man leaned forward threateningly, Kai huffed and raised his hand in surrender. "Okay, okay! No need to get mad. I'm Kai. What's up?"

"How did you injure this Jonin from Iwa?" Dan Kato's muffled voice echoed as everyone in the town seemed unaware of the explosion and the subsequent destruction.

"Didn't you guys already see it?" Kai yawned. "With how quickly you apprehended this man, you and your team must have been aware of our confrontation. Also, I have a question. You aren't from Anbu. Does this imply you aren't in Konoha's official ranks?"

The man refused to answer Kai's question, opting to interrogate further.

"Who taught you that jutsu? It was a Jutsu that allowed you to incorporate multiple transformations in Taijutsu, correct?"

"Which means," Kai, too, preferred to ignore the asshole. "I can say whatever I want, and it won't be on any official record. Of course, it's all a giant assumption. However, I'm feeling lucky today." The boy cupped his chin before glancing at Dan.

"Right," Kai sniffed. "Leave that shinobi for me to play with and fuck off." Seeing a youth barely the length of Dan's leg standing above the rubble, sporting a massive grin, should have been a humorous sight in any other situation. However, as an experienced Jonin, Dan couldn't treat Kai like an ordinary Genin after what he'd witnessed. Besides, Dan wasn't here to engage the kid in a confrontation. But his mission had precise guidelines for undertaking actions after discovering intriguing prospects.

"Was it Tsunade? Or Orochimaru?" Dan demanded, not letting Kai's words stoke his impulses further after the initial loss of decorum.

"I'm pretty sure it was Jiraiya. Wait." Kai frowned. "Are we still on your mother?"

Dan exhaled softly.

*Swish*

*Swish*

*Swish*

*Swish*

Shadows flickered around Kai and Dan as three women protectively circled the former while five masked men subserviently stood behind the latter.

"Danzo's instructions will always remain unofficial suggestions no matter how official of an informant he chooses to relay it," Tsunade glowered, glaring at the team despite noticing a familiar 'face' as tension flooded her surroundings. "So tell that asshole to suck Sensei's balls like he usually does and ask for a seat in the mission center after having some white on his face aside from those bandages! Now take those corpses and fuck off!"

"That's what I told him," Kai added, shrugging. He learned from the best.

Dan merely performed a seal as the unconscious man in his arms dispersed with a plume of smoke before the team of six flickered away.

"You didn't sense them enter the town?" Tsunade wrinkled her brows and gazed at Katsuyu.

"No, Tsunade-sama. I only sensed them leaving the town after you got closer. They were likely already present before your arrival."

"Tch!" Tsunade scowled before looking around. "What the hell happened here?"

Three pairs of eyes focused on Kai as he observed Kushina and Mikoto. The corner of his eyes momentarily twitched when he saw the blood on their bodies. Opening his mouth to answer Tsunade's question felt challenging as he chose to ignore his busty dream for once and focused on the duo.

Kai gingerly reached out to rub his thumb against the fairly dried blood on Kushina's cheek as it smudged before he observed and rubbed his fingers against Mikoto's forehead. His actions caught the duo by surprise, forcing their thoughts to implode.

"Hey!" Kai suddenly grinned. "It's a relief this isn't your blood." Though awkward, the boy didn't let it stop him from trying to cheer the girls. It wasn't about them. His act was more selfish than he ever realized. Letting his puny insecurities or ego obstruct how he wanted to feel wasn't what Kai was about. "It'll come off, you know. Maybe we should hit an onsen before returning to Konoha."

Despite his tattered appearance, Kai was more spirited than ever. He'd hoped for it to rub off on the duo. Perhaps it was all for naught, but Kai didn't want to look back at this moment and regret not doing more should Kushina and Mikoto become murderous freaks in the future. If anything, their becoming freaks in the future would be akin to a prophecy's realization—given how devilish they were.

Tsunade's shoulders relaxed as she watched the expected unfold.

"You know," Kai continued. "I almost killed a Jonin my first—"

A weird gasp, alongside the rest of the air in Kai's lungs, flooded out of his system as Kushina pounced at him with an entrapping hug that left little space to breathe. His body fell back by the sudden assault. Somehow, he felt a layer of slimy stuff protecting his back instead of the more welcoming spikes of rock to instantly end him since Mikoto decided to add to his problems by wrapping Kushina and Kai into another layer of tight embrace.

"H-Hey!" Kai gasped. "You can get your first J-Jonin later—" he struggled against the duo.

*Hic*

*Sniff*

The boy halted his revolt as he felt Kushina and Mikoto shake uncontrollably. Their soft sobs soon grew into loud cries as tears wet and snot wet his already ruined fit. 'Crying because I almost got a jump on a Jonin? How cringe.'

Kai huffed before exhaling and smiling.

"There, there," He whispered. "You two are going to be fine—"

"I think they were more worried about you, Kai-san."

Ah, the respect.

Kai turned his head to see a carpet of Katsuyu carpet on his back.

"Oh, thanks for clearing that up." He turned to look at Tsunade. "Don't feel shy, Sensei. Climb on up and vent all your worries."

Tsunade smiled instead and brought an index finger to her lips, gesturing to him to be quiet.

"You did good work, Kai. I'll hear your side of the story later. For now, enjoy your reward."

'Snot and tears?'

Kai blinked.

'Oh, well.' He would have hugged the girls back if Kushina hadn't wrapped her arms around his.

<<<>>>

[Earned 5 SP]

In the end, Kai's brilliant idea of hitting a public bath was met with a resounding denial once the girls regained their bearings and acted like deers caught in the headlight around Kai. Explaining things to Tsunade for the report was an effortless affair as the team gave Kai's story the rapt attention he loved to bits. The fight, though short, was filled with several twists. First, none expected Kai to arm himself with 25 Senbons with exploding and genjutsu seals! Yes, Kai needed to master Yin Release to start with Genjutsu. However, he was free to work his way around the issue for temporary results.

Using seals in tandem with Genjutsu wasn't unheard of. Kushina was struck with something similar while searching for the Bandit's Hideout. These Senbons were also the saving grace that led to Kai's survival since the fatal blast from the enemy would have torn the boy asunder! The enemy also didn't go all out, opting to be the wiser shinobi by retreating before facing Tsunade's cruel might. Of course, wise decisions, luck, and coincidences only worked so far against absolute power and skill—as witnessed once Dan Kato captured the Iwa Shinobi.

And that's where the questions began.

What was going on?

How did the Iwa Shinobi get their hands on the Uzu Sealing Products?

Why did Team 9 have to deal with the enemies when there was a bootleg Anbu team around them?

"So?" Tsunade sat on the chair after dismissing Team 9 from the Hokage's office. She crossed her legs, leaning into the seat and exhaling loudly. It was already night when Team 9 returned, and Tsunade wasn't the kind to treat missions as vacations—no matter how determinedly Kai persuaded her to take the team to a public bath. Sitting on the other side of the table, Lord Third also revealed a weary and distressed expression. Frustration seemed to lace his breathing as Hiruzen sucked on his pipe like no tomorrow before exhaling an exaggerated cloud of smoke.

"So?" Hiruzen repeated before groaning. "What are we talking about here?" His other, thinning hand unfurled the report scroll.

"Don't act dumb, Sensei!" Tsunade worked her jaw. "My team will have questions. It's better to discuss what I should tell them before I have that bandaged cunt up my ass."

"Show Danzo some respect," Hiruzen remarked with a stern look.

"Why?" Tsunade scoffed. "All he has to show for himself comes from what you allow. Anbu could have done all that if it hadn't been divided into the Root. But I'll give the credits where they are due. Danzo does reduce your workload. That's a good thing. Just…"

"Just what?" Hiruzen sighed.

"Did you stop fucking him or something? You know how mistresses get when they feel sidelined," Tsunade questioned with a scandalous smirk as Hiruzen closed his eyes, massaging his wrinkled forehead.

"I don't need mistresses, and don't speak of these stupid things around Biwako."

"Well," Tsunade continued. "You can calm Biwako-san with another kid. She should still be able to carry one for the team. Meanwhile, Danzo is a special case. So, there's this special spot in the prostate—"

Hiruzen raised his hand before exhaling a puff of smoke. "Look, I get it you're annoyed about Dan. No point in throwing a fit because we sometimes work with comrades we don't like at a personal level."

Tsunade grew silent before sighing.

"Fine, I'll keep that in mind as long as you keep Danzo in check. The next time someone from Root tries showing authority on me is the time the Administration's 'miscellaneous' bills for the Hospital rise."

"They'll be fine as long as they are alive," Hiruzen raised an eyebrow. "You would have done that today itself. I suspect you were worried for Kai, right?"

"You would have sent Enma if you were in my shoes," Tsunade shrugged.

"Hmm," Hiruzen nodded. "Let's address your previous issue. First, an encounter with Root's Anbu doesn't warrant an explanation to the children. Rhino wasn't supposed to confront Kai-Kun, and I will have a word about this with Danzo to suppress any further incidents."

"That works. Just be sure to really rub that spot," Tsunade teased with a smirk.

Hiruzen rolled his eyes.

"Oh, come on," Tsunade persisted. "Jiraiya steals from your stash, but you draw the line at my jokes?"

"Well, Jiraiya still hasn't returned, right?" Hiruzen shot back. The man cleared his throat before continuing. "As for what is going on behind the scenes…"

Hiruzen's expression darkened.

"All I can reveal at the moment is Iwa and Kumo have an unannounced alliance against Uzushiogakure."

"What?" Tsunade's eyes widened. "Are they morons? How do they intend to attack Uzu with how defensive they are? Heck, most civilians in Uzu would give our weakest Genins a run for their money."

"Do you think they would make movements without any plans?" Hiruzen narrowed his eyes. "They are dangerous, Tsunade. Both—Onoki and A—are endowed with brilliance and ambitious minds."

"But you can take them on, right?" Tsunade pointed out. "We are still allied to Uzushiogakure. I mean, it's Grandma's home."

Hiruzen grew silent before shaking his head. "Anyway," the man deflected the topic. "You're not supposed to tell all that to your team. As for how they got their hands on Uzu products? Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps someone from Iwa or Kumo targeted Uzumaki Squads on the mainland. Maybe…"

"You actually think Uzu betrayed us?" Tsunade's tone flickered with uncertainty.

"It's my responsibility to consider all possibilities and the worst. That's why I deployed Root for every Team's protection for the sudden C-ranked missions." Hiruzen smiled. "Kai was never in danger. However, his performance still surpassed my expectations. Maybe you should look into their promotion."

"Was there something else you wanted to achieve by these missions?" Tsunade didn't bite the bait and persisted.

Hiruzen put out his pipe before interlocking his fingers. "The predictions for the future events are anything but bright, Tsunade. Although it shouldn't affect the next generation, I want every Jonin to increase their efforts into mentoring their teams in case…"

"In case something happens to us," Tsunade puckered her lips before exhaling. "Got it." She stood up.

"Oh," Tsunade stopped near the door and looked at Hiruzen. "You should try offering my team temporary priority for D-rank missions. Those errands get Kai going on for some reason. The other motivational factor may involve Jiraiya borrowing more stuff from your limited edition stash."

Hiruzen waved her off before leaning back on his chair and closing his eyes.

'Oh, there's two more teams that return in two hours. No sleep tonight either,' the man lamented his fate. He just wanted to fall back on his bed and curl inside the blanket.

<<<>>>

[A new skill registered.]

[Records not found in the Trait directory.]

[Initiating re-scan.]

[Scan completed. Directory updated. Records not found.]

[Registering the skill. Extrapolating data.]

[Task completed successfully.]

[Identifying a suitable skill tree.]

[Task completed unsuccessfully.]

[Issuing the skill within [Unique Skills] Skill Tree.]

[Beast-Fu (B) (1/100): Being water is to master any shape and volume, thus mastering beasts. Almost all forms of taijutsu and martial arts are rooted in the essence of different animals, from which the creator of said techniques inspires movement and focus. This information-granting skill compiles the nature of other beasts, their movements, and the most efficient route of utilizing the various beasts' strengths, from a bear's claw to a gorilla's upper body strength and a falcon's flight. Adds one stat at every level {If Physique<375.}

Next Level: Perform 6/60 times or 12 SP.]

'Does this mean Beast-Fu contains the core essence of all taijutsu forms?' Kai pondered as he lay on his bed. It was close to midnight, so Kushina and Kai decided to retreat to their rooms instead of disturbing Mito. Now, the latter had some time to compile the results of his adventure—Beast-Fu.

Kai gained this skill when he entered a quick-paced battle against the Jonin, forced to seamlessly execute every transformation beforehand and catch the enemy by surprise. Not only was this skill an extension of the Chimera Transformation, but it also took another approach to understanding the animals of this world—through their movements.

'Wait, I almost ignored other forces of this world,' Kai smirked. 'There is still Chakra Natures. Even chakra beasts can use jutsu, so Beast-Fu is like the martial arts from those old movies.'

"I think it's Crouching Pussy and Hidden Dick?" Kai reminisced about a few great hits of his previous worlds. Those movies failed to arouse any reaction from him before. However, Kai couldn't help but smile as he recalled the antics and stories of the several movies.

After a few seconds, Kai sat up and began meditating before training [Shape Transformation.] As things were, Kai needed a few stats at 375 to start the next skill connected to Shape Transformation. That would require more time, so instead of wasting SP on the skill, Kai chose to grind the skill the old-fashioned way. Besides, the more Chakra he consumed and recovered, the greater his growth entailed.

In the back of his head, Kai couldn't help but think about two things.

First, he worried about lowered D-rank missions. Kai, a self-proclaimed gamer, would be gravely bitter if he could not capitalize on D-rank missions. He needed to ensure the D-rank missions flowed uninterrupted.

The D-rank missions must flow.

Second was the constant reminder of the asshole behind the porcelain rhino's mask. A few questions about the man from Tsunade on their way back allowed Kai to realize that Dan wasn't just a sweet piece of ass once used to ensure Senju's continued existence; he was also one of the best sensors Konoha had to offer outside of Dojutsu Clans. The man's control of his chakra network was so sublime that he and his team hid from Team 9 when they visited Chikara Town.

From what Kai understood, a Sensor noticed and registered everyone's Chakra Signature. Kai's instinct for the Transformation Jutsu was similar since mastering the jutsu because every use of Chakra leaves a signature, a valuable clue for these sensors to track. So, Kai needed to understand and experience many things about sensors to have any hope of fucking Dan up for the stunt he pulled.

Oh, yep. Of course. Kai would never forget such slights. He may forgive them… but it was fun being a hater. And Dan was an orphan whose actions spoke for themselves. Someone needed to grow a pair and begin disciplining the Jonins and Fake Anbu Operatives—Kai would train and grow such a pair!

'A sensor, huh?' Kai stopped shaping his chakra into a mist-like blue cube. 'The things I intend to do cannot be discovered, so I need to be an excellent sensor for that. I can only pull a quick one on others by being the best sensor. How much perception do I need to awaken the first of Sensoring skills?'

Kai arched a brow as he tried focusing around him. As opposed to [Transparent World], the [Dynamic Vision] was related to the perception stat. It was ironic due to the former's more visionary effect compared to the latter's boost to Kai's physical vision. So, sensing things couldn't just be about focusing on the surroundings and discovering things.

'There's also the byakugan. My Transparent World is the former's dollar-store version. However, Byakugan itself is for the eyes, and using the eyes to peek at the world from a different approach from what I understand. Sharingan is no different.'

Kai crossed his arms. 'Did Mikoto get a boost in her perception once she awakened sharingan? It's only the first tomoe. If so, will she get a boost every time she manages to enhance her Sharingan? What is the secret behind the eyes seeing through the world's chakra network?'

Kai clicked his tongue. 'But it's just the realm reserved for Dojutsu users. Regular sensors like Sensei or Dan rely on their perceptions connected to the World's chakra network. The only difference between a good and an amateur sensor is their sensory range and sensitivity.

It was all a giant assumption. Kai knew too little about the profession, and he couldn't continue demanding more knowledge from Tsunade before showing some progress in Iryo Ninjutsu—which was also another concerning aspect.

Should the spice, ehm, the D-rank missions stop flowing, Kai predicted his time would be spent more on theory books until the team satisfied Tsunade, incurring another round of theoretical exams. However, dreading such prospects for their tediousness wasn't what Kai cared for, not after [Mind Library.] Instead, the thought of wasted time almost made Kai feel weak in the knees, especially when he recalled Kushina's profound hatred for these exams.

'Let's not derail off-topic,' Kai massaged his forehead. 'My only concern is being a top sensor. My stats are relatively near skilled chunins. And if they can become a sensor, there is no real reason for me not to become one. So, it's not a question about my perception's growth but the accurate mobilization of said stat.'

Kai momentarily glanced at his nightstand before shaking his head.

'D-rank missions are a priority. So, focus.'

'Focus.'

'Focus.'

Kai repeated the phrase, expelling his chakra without bothering to shape it. One's chakra interacted with others—that's how most individuals sensed Genjutsu in the first place. So, there was no reason to reject the theory of Kai's chakra interacting with the world's chakra network. His existence alone interacted with the world. Kai hadn't forgotten Orochimaru's remarks on the topic.

Capable sensors could sense almost anything because the world's chakra network was present everywhere. Fuinjutsu could interrupt this connection, but it was more of an exception than the norm.

So, all Kai needed to do was—

Focus.

*SFX For Nightstand's Shelf Pulled Open*

***

Alternate Title (Chapter 36): The Special Summon; The Hellhole; Bandit's Retreat; Led Around By The Nose; Leading Charge; To Slaughter; The Drinker/Gambler; Unlucky To Meet The Lucky One; Kai About To Do Everything That Moves; The Enemy; Tsunade's a Party Girl Incarnate; The Hype Bitch; Katsuyu's Got… Curves And Slime?; Bad Bitch Katsuyu; Kai Already Bribed Katsuyu With Da Green; Doubted One; Killers; Innocent Blood; Tainted Innocence; Kushina's And Mikoto's Edgelord Phase; Cruelty; Fun Times; Priorities; Kai's a Romantic For His Enemies; Kai: Lets Dance! (Also Kai: Uses Unholy Jutsu To Freak The Enemy Out); Shoutout To The Mayor; Wife's Dead Tho; Running Away; Wise Shinobi; The Smart One; Kai's First Date Was a Nightmare; The Fun of Battle; Kai's a Junkie; The Battle Gooner Emerges; Tsunade: Gambles And Promotes Alcoholism (Also Tsunade: I'm Too Good For This World)

***

Alternate Title: Panic Sets In; Shaken Trio; Stalled By Root; Root's First Sight; Nothing Held Back; The Rhino; Dan Kato's Career Choices; Kai Has No Chill; Kai Finding Step Fathers For Orphans; The Kindest Soul In Existence; Kai Shall Discipline Every Shinobi; Kai's The Father We Need; Kai: Let's Retreat (Also Kai: Fuck Yer Mum and Nine Fucking Ancestors! Lick My Balls, Asshole!); The Strange Jutsu; In The Sights; Not Official; Kai Loves To Fuck Around And Find Out; Kai: Square-Up Fool; Kai—The Orphan Beater—Gamer; Kai (Sees Dan Kato In The Streets): It's On Sight, Fool; Like Sensei; Tsunade's Got No Chill Either; Kushina and Mikoto About To Embark On Edgelord Phase (Kai: Alas, I Am Returned, To Be Granted Audience Once More); Yeeting Edginess By Being Human; Kushina's The Only Orphan Kai Endures; Kai: Why Be Edgy When You Can Edge?; The Humble Request For Reward; Bath Time?; Tsunade: Nope; Kai Can't Get His Happy Ending; Return; Crying; Relieved Party; Kai Remains A Menace; Danzo Catches Strays For No Reason; Tsunade's Awesome Suggestion To Her Sensei; The Ominous Future; For Survival; Prostate Does Have a Good Spot—(Redacted Due To Interdimensional Influences); Kai, What Kind Of Movies Did You Watch?; The Weird Fandom Of The Trait-verse Continues; Forced To Bed; The Sensor Initiation; Kai: I Must Focus. Yet, Why Do I Find Myself Opening The Slut's Shelf?

***

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