NOVEL NEXT 5. Honestly, This Should’ve Been Easier.
Adapting to the new situation had become easier than she predicted. She, the female pronoun, she was keeping it for now on Abby's insistence. Well, wasn't that hard to keep it, it felt much better than her "real" pronouns, even if maintaining it took some work.
She had fallen asleep on Abby's lap, after a long kissing and cuddling session, and after waking up they had a short conversation on how they were going to continue about this sticky situation, to which they agreed to sort it out over breakfast. There was also Abigail's discovery about her, to which she said she was going to also talk about over breakfast, for she needed to do some "extra reading".
Sitting down at the table, the anxiety was starting to have an effect on her, simply waiting for this moment had already been hard, but at this point she felt like telling Abby to say it already, but apparently Abby wanted to make it some form of questionnaire.
"So, can we begin?"
"Yes, yes." Lilly said, shaking her head in anticipation.
"Okay, I'll call you Lilly going forwards, is that okay?"
"Sure."
"How does the name make you feel? When i call you Lilly, i mean." Abby put it bluntly.
It took a moment to think it over, the feeling was not exactly easy to explain, it was complex, in ways Lilly simply couldn't put into words yet, but she was going to try. "It feels... Good? It's almost a treat whenever you use it on me, It's a beautiful name and i like it a lot, gives me a happy feeling in my stomach when you do it."
"Okay, Lilly. Now, bear with me for a moment. Excuse me, preemptively." Abby coughs, "Vincent. How does the name feel?"
It was her name, right? It's the name she's used for her whole life. It hadn't caused her issues before, not in any meaningful way, other than being an incredibly dull name, almost regrettably so. However, with a plane of comparison, it did sound... Bad. No, not just in sound, in feeling too. Being called that, in comparison to being called Lilly, was unnerving.
"Unnerving. Makes me somewhat sad. It's hard to switch from Lilly to my real name, after I've been using the new one for a while. Well, not new one, you get it."
"I get it. That's the reason we are having this conversation. So, next question, will take some imagination, okay?"
"Imagination? From you? We really are breaking new ground here..." Lilly feigned surprise, being jokey.
"Come on! I can be fun at times too!" An innocent laugh.
Lilly remarked that, while pretending to be "Abigail", Chris really was a lot lighter and more fun than the usual stick-up Chris was. Sure, she still had some of the usual adherence to sheer logic, but it was much more... Lighter, able to be stepped over and questioned in more of an ironic way. She really liked Abby, a lot.
"Okay, okay. So, Imagine you had a button. A big red button, right in-front of you. The button's one and only purpose, is to instantly and without question, turn you into a girl. No if's and buts, it just does it, entirely-"
"I'd press it." It comes out without any protest.
"...And? Reflect a bit on why you'd be so eager to do so."
"Well, um... Like. I don't know." She takes a long time reflecting on why she would do it. "It's a no-brainer, right? Girls are usually cuter, prettier, nicer than me, I'd also get to hang around with girls... And like, I'd still like girls, right?"
Abby's expression betrays intense happiness from hearing this. "Yes, you would."
"Yeah, so i could be a lesbian, which is another thing that would be incredibly cool, if i had the choice right? But i don't, so... Yeah."
"Do you feel good about the possibility of being a lesbian, and being a woman?"
"I mean, it's not a thing i can be, I'm a guy, that has no cure. But yes, if i had the choice, if it was that easy, i think i'd love it."
Abby gets up from her chair, and walks over to Lilly, breaking the pretend-therapy session they were having.
"Lilly." She says, taking Lilly's hands into hers.
"H-Hi?"
"I think I'm pretty sure, there is a high possibility, at least from what I've read, that you are a girl."
This didn't make much sense, was it pretend? Had Abby gone insane? She was a Man, as she had said, this had no cure.
"I... Am not?"
"I mean, there is a big chance you are transgender."
Ah, that word. Was it not the thing Pete was talking about in the hallway? Sure, she knew trans people existed, and it seemed like a painful situation to be in, from what she had read. But you couldn't just be trans at random, after 20 years of existence, you can't just become trans, that didn't feel like a thing that could happen.
"Okay, but i can't just be trans, that isn't how it works."
"Oh, it totally is how it works. In fact, I'm sorry. I should've seen it sooner." Abby speaks with genuine regret.
Okay, sure, let's say there is the slightest possibility that she is trans, and just didn't realize it for all these years. Let's say she really is a girl, and not just a weird guy who for some reason wants to be a girl, there's still a big issue in this situation, the issue of Abby.
"Okay, but. Look, if this is true, if I'm transgender, wouldn't by this logic you be too!?" Lilly said, loud, too loud. She regretted it immediately "I'm sorry, that was rude, i-"
"No, it's fine. I'm different. I'm not trans, i was mostly going along with this for your sake." Abby said, and a fuse blew inside Lilly's brain.
"No, no no no. Now it's not fine!" she grabs at Abigail's hands with desperation. "So everything was a lie!? Our kiss meant nothing? It was just pretend?"
"No! I... I love you, i mean. But... I'm just not like you."
Lilly closed her eyes. "Okay, okay, that's fine. That makes sense. Total sense." Lilly breathes in. "Abby, first off, i am not into men. I am not attracted to men, i do not like men in a romantic sense."
"I know, that's why this sucks for me too."
"Okay, and so, can you explain why I'm still, beyond all, attracted to you?"
"I can't enter your head, interpreting your feelings is something that is entirely up to the individual, not to an onlooker." That logical tone, again. It wasn't light, it wasn't neutral. Why did it feel metallic in this way? Wait, why did her hands feel metallic now? Was it another hallucination?
"That tone..." She looked into Abby's eyes, her entire body felt like a metallic armor right now, just as metallic as that tone. A coping mechanism, yes! They had classes about this, people enter into specific "modes" of being to protect themselves, Abby's is this logical framework.
"I am just stating a fact, there isn't anything special to my tone."
"Okay, then." she says, in a cold tone: "Chris,"
she feels Abby grow tenser. "Doesn't feel good either, does it?""Look. I-I'm just not used to it, I've been pretending to be Abby for a while now."
"Oh, so you don't want to be called your old name again either?"
Abby closes her eyes, breathing in deeply. "No."
"Okay, i won't. Just the same way you have respected my name."
Abby protests. "But that doesn't make me trans-gender. It's just the name i prefer to be called with you."
"Oh, so outside of here, outside of you and me, you wanna go back to being Chris?"
"I- I can't do anything about that."
"Okay, but let's say you could! Would you choose to be Abby?"
"I- I don't know. This isn't about me anymore, this has become a projection from your own values, in fact, the whole purpose of this exercise was to give you a better grasp on your own psyche, yet it totally backfired."
"Abby, please. I am begging you. I love you, i need you to think about what you're saying, this isn't you." Lilly was crying, she didn't know when it began.
"Lilly... Fuck." Abby bites her lip hard, to the point where it almost turns white. "No, i wouldn't choose to be Chris! I never liked that name!"
The metallic sheen turned less stable, reduced to a grainy sand-like texture.
"That's okay. That's okay, Abby." Lilly draws Abby into a hug, which Abby immediately returns, now crying profusely. "I think both of us have... Issues with our hearts, and our feelings. We both have coatings of denial and expected behavior. We have things we want to say that we can't even admit to ourselves."
"I shouldn't be weak like this. I'm smart. I should be able to sort all this through."
"I don't judge you for not being able to sort all this through, why would I?" she looks into Abby's eyes, deeply. "Abby, I love you, i mean this."
"I love you too. But i don't think i can do this, it's a lot."
"I, don't think i can do it either." Lilly closes her eyes, measuring her words. "To be honest, i still doubt i am transgender, this feels so sudden and weird and new, but... I also don't want to give up this thing we have. Our love, as girls, you know?"
"I don't want to give it up either, Lilly. I can't give it up."
"So, okay. What if, we don't face this alone? What if we both make it a team project? Just you and me as a team, that is. We'll both try to do this transgender thing, just for a week, and if it gets hard, we can help each other? And if by the end of the week we figure out more about ourselves, we can see what we'll do about it. If we are trans, that is."
"Lilly- I. How could i even pay you back for such a thing."
"Well, i think... I think expecting kindness towards us to be paid back, is also another thing we have to realize is a coping mechanism."
Abby begins laughing. "Oh my god, Lilly you sound just like me."
"Oh my god! I did, didn't i! I said an Abby thing!" Lilly laughs too, noticing it.
"Lilly. I think... I think i want to do this with you."
"Then it's settled." Lilly lands a kiss on Abby's forehead, oh how things have changed.
"Welcome home... Lilly, my girlfriend?"
"Welcome, Abby, my girlfriend."