NOVEL NEXT Chapter 77 – Flower
"Um, Helia." Letty whispers as we're laying cuddled up in the den after the whole ordeal in space, waiting for arrival near Gaia and enjoying each other's embrace.
"Mmm? What is it?" I ask a little lazily, having been thinking about things in a state similar to meditation.
"About what you asked before these monsters showed up." She begins quietly as she pulls herself upright from laying partiually on me to sitting on my lap properly, visibly nervous for some reason. "About, um... marriage..." Ah. Yeah. Her voice trails off as she averts her eyes.
"Alright, uh, then let me clear about it." I pull myself up a little to let Letty sit more comfortably and collect my thoughts. "If you want, then I'm down for it. It's not like I'm against it, and the origin in religion doesn't really matter here. Just the gesture, I guess. And, uh... hm. I... wouldn't mind if we didn't do anything of the sort? It's not like it doesn't matter to me, because it does, but what I mean is that... I don't need anything of the sort?" I hesitate. "That's a little bad wording."
"What you mean is that if it actually happens, then it will matter, but if doesn't, we won't miss anything cause it will only have a meaning if it actually happens." Letty says flatly and I blink in surprise, looking down at her eyes staring up at me with a cheeky smile.
"Right. Yeah... actually, yeah!" I grin and giggle lightly. "I think I wouldn't put it that way, but that pretty much sums it up." How well she knows me, huh? "What do you say then?"
"I'm... a little conflicted, I guess?" She says hesitantly and immediately gives me a reassuring peck on the cheek and a bright smile. ...It works, that's for sure. "Not about... us, I don't mean I don't want it, just that I... don't like what comes with it?" She puts a finger to her lips and appears to be thinking intensely about something. "I feel like it would be... uuurgh." She groans unhappily, plopping her head onto my shoulder, causing her black hair to splay all over my front. "Gimme a moment. I don't know how to put it."
"Sure." I mutter and get to caressing her back lightly with my left hand and pecking what she offers me of the top of her head.
...I've once heard that some people really don't like the feel of hair on their lips, but Letty is really something different in that matter. Unless I'm just so... so me that I really like her hair. It's smooth, strong, and a little springy, and it feels amazing to the touch, wherever.
A moment later my girlfriend purrs cutely and shakes her head a little, melting a little as she glances up at me.
"I feel like a marriage would be a restriction?" She says quietly, a little hesitantly, and I nudge her to continue. "And I don't mean it like anything substantial, but I guess it's like saying someone's transgender. There's that... image of a trans person that most people have, and there's a formal definition that attempts to categorize all of those people, but sometimes... it just doesn't fit, I guess?" She stays silent for a while and I use it to quip in.
"So you mean it like a norm that people unconsciously look up to? A generalization for people that are not knowledgable about it?"
"That..." She hesitates. "Kind of? It's just that if I said I'm trans, everybody would expect me to use certain pronouns, dress... more or less like a man, all those little things. But I might mean something completely different, for example I might want to say I don't want anything to do with gender. Then that term, transgender, it technically matches, but feels... inadequate. Limiting. I would always need to explain what I mean specifically, and people would make wrong assumptions, and I'd feel like I should start doing what they expect... does that make sense?" She looks up at me with a cute frown.
"It does more than make sense." I nod my head slowly. "I'd say it's a large part of the reason for the clothes I like, or for my interest in bikes."
Letty blinks in surprise at that. "...Wow, that got deep." She comments with a giggle and nuzzles back into my shoulder. "Anyway, yeah. That's more or less what I mean by saying marriage would feel like a restriction. There's that... freedom, you know? When you don't put any labels on yourself, just live as you like without anyone telling you what to do, what not to do, who you are and who you're not."
"Yeah..." I sigh lightly. "So what's the consensus? We're not doing anything?" I look at my girlfriend, relaxed in my embrace.
She shrugs lightly, just enough for me to feel it. "Don't wanna." She says in that flat tone and I giggle in amusement, giving her a squeeze. "It sounds nice, but I don't really like the idea itself of putting our relationship into some... term."
"Sure. Sounds reasonable." I nod my head, inwardly a little impressed at... her maturity, I guess? If we were the hotheaded idiots, with all the affection you can imbue into that word, that we probably looked like just a week or two ago, we'd probably jump on that chance and likely regret it afterwards. We both went through a lot though, and had time to calm down since. "Do you wanna do anything now?" I follow up.
"Nah. Cuddle." She mutters. "And think. Say, that portal we're going to put on Gaia. Where should we place it?"
I think for a moment about the issue, slightly surprised by the change of topic. "In someone's house?" I half suggest and half ask. "Derrie's maybe? Not mine, that's for sure. We could hide it in a little pocket dimension completely invisible from outside. Pull it over a wall or something."
"...Mmm." My girlfriend comments... Oh.
Girlfriend... hm. It's certainly much different from marriage, much looser in a way. Should I ask about it...? You know what, let's get this over with.
"What about girlfriend?" I blurt out and Letty looks up at me in incomprehension.
"What girlfriend?"
"I mean, uh." I stumble a little, realizing how terribly out of context that line was. "I mean in regards to the previous topic. Like marriage." I clarify in embarrassment and her face lights up in understanding, then quickly goes into thinking mode.
"...I don't think it actually describes anything?" She says after a while. "I mean, think about it. Who is a girlfriend? What does a girlfriend do? Some people would say we're already far past girlfriends stage, but I think that's one adjective that... doesn't really describe anything?" She tilts her head quizically. "Like, there's no rule saying that lovers are in any way... less than girlfriends? I actually feel like saying we're lovers would be much more limiting." She blinks and blushes suddenly, her cheeks painting beet red as if she just now realized what she's been talking about all the while. "Um, does that make sense?" She squeaks out.
"I think it does..." I nod my head. "Yeah. So we're cool with being girlfriends?" I ask with a grin, looking at her as she recovers from whatever got her blushing like crazy, and cringe a little. "That didn't sound very well." I mutter and Letty giggles.
"Yeah, we're cool with being girlfriends." She repeats after me as she lifts herself with a massive grin, apparently deciding she doesn't care how it sounds, and leans forward for a kiss I happily return.
We stay cuddled up like that for a long while afterwards, enjoying each other's presence without a care in the world.
It is... nice, actually - I mean, that much is obvious - but it's nice in a different way than I expected. It might largely be all the stories I've read and things I've heard, but I really sorta expected for some drastic change to happen after getting together with Letty.
Now though, after things calmed down and I learned a lot both about myself and about our relationship, I just feel happy. Not much changed apart from that. It's that simple sense of peacefulness and normality. That it is how it is supposed to be.
Life just moves on by itself, or so I'd say if I didn't care about sounding too cheesy, and I will have nothing changing around me if I sit on my ass and do nothing. The visit to Gaia, and to Catherine along with the rest, is now the thing that takes up most of my worries and the thing that I want to make the most of.
Although we'll be setting out only in about three hours so there is a lot of time to be spent without worrying needlessly.
"Say, Helia?" I hear Letty's quiet voice and look down at her with raised eyebrows as she lies there nuzzled into my shoulder with a wondering expression.
"Mmm?"
"Do you want our own ship?" She asks and I blink, taken completely by surprise.
"Ah, I..." I begin, but hesitate. "I wouldn't say I want? I mean, it's not like I don't want either, but... uh, I guess I haven't had a reason to have my own ship, I guess. Although I suppose there will be one sooner or later."
"So if we could get our own, you'd have nothing against it?" Letty asks again and I nod my head in confirmation.
"We've got to do that at some point, right? I guess your parents might also want to us to go on our own sooner or later, and while I would prefer to stay close with them in case something happens, like those monsters earlier, I would definitely like to have our own ship in two months. You know why."
"Yeah." My girlfriend sighs lightly. "You know, I've been thinking a lot about it? And I just can't decide what to do."
I pull myself up a little, letting Letty's head rest on my lap. "You mean about our ship? Do you have blueprints even for that?" I smirk a little and she grins in response, but it fades quickly.
"Kinda, yeah, but that's the part I've got covered. The problem I have is not which blueprint to choose or the blueprints themselves, but after I saw what you did back then..." She hesitates. "It kinda lost the point? I'm not sure how to put that, honestly." She makes a frustrated face and I pat her head lightly.
"You mean that if I can do virtually everything, there is no point in making a ship for us to travel?" I ask and her face lights up in agreement, but quickly turns to something of guilt and uncertainty. "I think it's the symbol, the gesture that matters here, dear."
"What do you mean?" She tilts her head quizically.
"What I mean is, we could literally spend our lives in endless nothingness doing nothing, but it would have no value. What would have the value is what we do, who we are, where we are. But, that in itself means nothing if... we are the only ones seeing it? I mean, it would mean a lot to us, but what I want to say is that..." I stop, not sure how to put it.
"Okay, lemme start again. Imagine a flower." I pick up after a moment as Letty waits patiently. "It has a long, straight stem, rounded with long green leaves splayed around it, and has tiny blossoms blooming all over the upper part of the stem. The petals are vibrant amaranthine in color, in the shape of almonds and getting slightly more red at the sharp tips." I look down at her as she looks at me wonderingly. "How does it look? Is it beautiful?"
"...I think it is." Letty says quietly.
"Does it see its beauty? Does it know it's beautiful?" I follow up and my girlfriend blinks, silent for a moment, as her face eases when she likely realises more or less what I mean.
"...No. Like us?" She asks.
"...Not exactly." I shake my head a little. "What I want to focus on is not us, although that's important as well, but the ship you asked about. Who can see it? Who can admire its beauty? Us, we can, obviously. But who else? Your parents? Our friends? Humanity? I think you ought to go from there if you want to decide what you want to create. If you want it to be a small ship just for us, something the size of your part of Abyssa would be more than enough, just the space for us to live in, relax, and maybe work." I bop Letty on her nose, causing her to blink in surprise, seemingly brought down to earth from her mind, and beam at me. "What else do you want it to be?" I whisper, and her lips shift to a sheepish grin as I see the specific expression on her face, one that shows when she has some amazing idea. "Don't tell me now, okay? Surprise me."
"...Thanks, Helia." She pulls herself up and hugs me with a huge smile on her face. "I think I've got an absolutely amazing idea."
"I'll be looking forward to it." I wrap my arms around her slim waist with a smile and we stay in the comfortable silence, Letty seemingly thinking about the idea.
Maybe I should also use my own advice, huh?
Who do I want to be?
