Paragon of Weaponmasters

Thepickle left your group.

Paintednails left your group

Without so much as a polite goodbye, the two group members depart.

"Was uh… that normal?" Tribet asks.

"No, it was not." Peter tells him, scowling at me. "What happened to never doing anything like that again?"

I sigh. Peter's scowl on deepens.

"Peter, some kind of power is growing in me. A power I feel compelled to use." I begin explaining.

"All the more reason you shouldn't use it! Every book, movie, tv show, and video game explicitly tells us to not fall into the temptation of dark powers!" He screams.

"Is that what this is? A video game?" Tribet asks.

Peter looks at him with dawning horror.

"You're…real?" he shakes his head. "Not right now! I have enough to deal with without Earl going full Sauron!"

"I'm not going full Sauron." I tell him.

"Yeah? Then what's that?" he gestures to the four mindless goblins holding my weapons.

"I gave them the opportunity to free themselves without losing their lives." I say, crossing my arms.

"Do they look free?" his voice rises an octave.

They stand slack jawed, staring at me. Await new orders. Purposeless without my bidding. I recall all of my weapons, they slide into holsters and sheaths all over my body. The goblins come to, shaking and holding their heads.

"Are we… free?" they ask.

"Yes. You're free." I tell them.

They turn to Tribet.

"Don't look at me, I'm not in charge. I'm the prince of goblins by blood, not by choice." he tells them.

They leave, avoiding the muck they'd just been neck-deep in on their way out.

"Earl, tell me, please, explain it. What gives you the right?" Peter pleads.

My nose and mouth twitch like a wolf observing prey.

"They're just N.P.C.s, aren't they? Aren't we? Just, play things for the players? You were going to kill them. How is that better?" I accuse

He doesn't answer immediately.

"You overrode their will. Even the ruler and beastmaster classes you've unlocked can't do that. They have to pay or feed their minions. You skip all of that and jump straight to mind control. It's immoral." He soapboxes.

My twitch turns into full-blown snarl.

"I'm trapped in a fucking video game with a bunch of shithead players and a robot that wants to either watch me suffer or watch me fuck, or both! I have…" I check my time remaining. "Eighteen fucking days to put together enough money to pay for my life subscription, or else the red-eyed fuck is going to put my in limbo!"

Peter just stares at me.

"You could have asked, Earl." He says in a small voice

"For what? Enough gold to get me through the next month? What about the one after that, and the one after that? A clock is constantly ticking on my continued existence, and everyone is getting in my way of solving that problem!" I rave.

I see the impact my words have on him.

Peter has logged out.

"Okay, fine! Run! See if I care. I'll get by just fine on my own." I announce to the world.

"Is that what's going to happen to me?" the prince asks. "Is something going to hurt me if I don't pay up?"

I turn to answer him, but something is very wrong. Like the twin Apakis, his form jitters, becoming translucent and staticy like a television screen. The Monitor stands beside him, observing.

"He's abstracting." The Machine God explains. "He's losing what makes him him, because you exposed him to too much too quickly."

"Can't you fix him?" I ask.

"Mmm… no. You could, though." it tells me.

"How?" I wonder.

"Control him. Make him your servant. Override his will and erase it entirely." I can hear the smile in it's voice.

"I'm not going to do that." I tell the thing.

"No? Pity. well, there's no reason to let all of these good parts go to waste." a massive cleaver appears in its hand, on a downward arc towards the goblin. His arm tumbles to the ground, the stump spurting blood all over the Monitor's robe, dying them a darker red than its vision. Another chop, and the other arm is off.

"Stop!" I beg.

I make eye contact with Tribet as the final blow comes. He's crying. All the way to the ground, tears fall from his eyes. Me breathing quickens. I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack.

"None of that now." the monitor waves a hand in my direction. Instantly, I'm calm. I shake my head, trying to knock loose whatever it's done to me.

"You… you've been influencing my emotions!" I declare, pointing an accusatory finger. "I should be horrified by this world! I should be screaming until my voice gives out!"

"Mmmhmm. You know what's worse, though?" it asks.

"...what?" I hesitate.

"You won't even remember." it whispers in my ear.

"Wonder where it came from…" a rather silly sounding voice asks.

I open my eyes to behold… a gnome.

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"It's alive!" the gnome shrieks, falling back on his ass and crawling away.

"How did I get here?" I ask.

"We were wondering the same thing." another gnome tells me.

"We're just dying to know." a female gnome says. She's kinda cute.

I growl at myself, accidentally scaring the gnomes even further.

"Hey, I'm not going to hurt you. I'll just leave, ok?" I say, both hands raised.

"Oh I wouldn't go out there." an old, bearded gnome tells me.

I look out the window, seeing what he means. It's on fire. From my perspective, the entire world outside is burning.

"What the hell's going on?" I ask

"Humans decided we were lying about crop yields. Their solution to not having enough is to burn all of it. Real geniuses that lot." The first gnomes says.

"Forward thinkers." the female agrees sarcastically.

"Who are you people?" I finally ask.

"The halflings of Halfsville, at your service." the second male gnome pipes up.

"Oh." I say, adjusting my thinking.

"You're a long way from home." the old gnome tells me. "Well, since you're here, mind lending a hand?"

Free the goblins accepted!

Free the goblins complete!

Clear out the Trash accepted!

Clear out the Trash complete!

You have reached level 67!

Strength increased by 128%!

Agility increased by 128%!

Intelligence increased by 128%!

Wheat from the Chaff accepted!

Defend Halfsville 0/1

My vision swims as quest notifications fly by. I suppose I should have had those quests all along, so why hadn't I? Whatever. I open the talent tree and consider my options. I could put another point into Titan's Grip, getting me close to whatever comes next at tier two. Or I could find out what Embody is all about.

Fuck it. Embody it is.

I kick down the door that only comes up to my waist, bend down to exit, and stand tall outside. Human mages are casting fire spells to burn down fields of crops, while Halflings run around like chickens with their heads cut off.

One, two, three, four clones.

The clone holding Thozur no longer resembles me, but some tall, translucent purple adonis with long flowing hair, a neatly trimmed beard, and scant clothing but for the belt and gloves I'm currently wearing.

"I am… I am?" he asks.

The one holding Apaki is a slender, robe-wearing giant. It looks back at me with an unnerving smile.

Earthshatter is built like an earth goddess statue, with breasts bigger than my head and hips wider than I am tall. She's nude but for vines wrapping around her voluptuous form, tastefully places leaves hiding her privates. She basks in the sunlight, completely unconcerned with my presence.

The Jellyfish Bones' wielder looks like a human version of that old cartoon character Samurai Jack. The theme song gets stuck in my head instantly. Thin but muscular, tallish, but not as tall as Apaki or Thozur, with a tidy little man bun on his head and a clean, sharp gi. He bows to me, and I bow back.

"Go crazy." I tell them.

Thozur flies through the air, holding himself, and takes to combat like a fish to water. He smashes wizards like he's a hammer, and they are all nails.

Apaki shifts his sword-self into a wand, and casts nasty looking green energy towards some knights. Their armor melts onto their skin, and they ide in agony.

Earthshatter takes two quaking steps, then drops her flat hammer head into the dirt. A crack forms, and swallows an entire group of humans up. The earth closes behind them, leaving them to a dark, crushing fate.

Jellyfish practically teleports, he moves so fast. A sword-wielding human spurts blood from a perfect diagonal cut, as his top half slides slowly and dramatically from his bottom half.

It's as beautiful as it is abominable.

Defend Halfsville 1/1

I realize that I hadn't moved from the spot in front of the small house. I didn't need to.

"Could you do something about the fire?" I ask them. Earthshatter slams her hammer into the ground, a geyser of water shoots high into the sky, dousing the flames. I nod appreciatively.

"That was…" the first halfing I met begins.

"Amazing." finishes the sole female halfling.

Our eyes meet, and I shake my head. She frowns, but nods.

"Who do I turn my quest into?" I ask, looking at the assembled halflings.

"I'm sorry?" the third halfing asks.

"You really did it." the old man steps through the doorway, yellow question mark hovering over his bald head.

"Yep." I respond.

Wheat from the Chaff completed!

Gather Allies completed!

Bide your Time accepted!

Wait for fucking sombody to reach out to you 0/1

The quest objective bugs out, not revealing my next quest giver. Whatever, it'll work itself out. Without another word to the halflings, I use my herston and return to Masstaoir.

I only nod at my friends as I depart the inn. I need to talk to somebody closer to my position. I'm the only half-player, half-N.P.C. that's a Paragon, and I can't talk to the other halfies right now. So I'll strike up a conversation with the next best thing.

Within the Halls of Honor, a large group sits on the far left of the room, talking quietly amongst themselves. On the far right, all by himself, is Thunderspank. I almost turn to leave, but I notice he seems less energetic than usual. He seems downright depressed.

I walk over and sit across from him, looking at one of the menus on the table. It says "touch to order!" at the top, so I do just that, choosing a truly enormous porterhouse steak with a side of buttery asparagus.

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!" my wife, daughter, and best friend sing to me.

"Oh you guys…" I say, embarrassed.

"Happy birthday dear Luuu-oook." the waitress joins in, reading my name from her palm as her other hand places a lit cake in front of me.

"Happy birthday to you!" they all sing.

I blow out the candle.

"What did you wish for?" Frankie asks.

"Don't tell her or it won't come true!" Millie says a little too loud for indoors.

"The same thing I always wish for." I give Trinee a knowing look.

"Oh. ooooooooh." Frankie says, smiling and waggling her eyebrows.

I roll my eyes.

What's left of my steak is taken away as we cut the cake. Sugar-free chocolate, with sugar-free icing, and sugar-free Reese's chips. My favorite since Trinne introduced me to the recipe.

I bite in, exchanging a look of exaggerated pleasure with Trinne. She wants to roll her eyes, but she can't help but laugh a little, covering her mouth full of cake.

I wished that my family would always be happy and healthy, with or without me.

The dish appears before me with a 'ding!'. Thunderspank looks up from his empty mug at me, and sneers.

"What're you doing here?" he slurs.

"Are you drunk?" I ask.

"Mnoh." he responds. "My character is drunk."

"Then why would your speech be slurred?" I ask, eyebrow raised.

"...shhut up." he says.

I shrug, and cut into my steak. It tastes like the cow god blessed my tongue with pure beef perfection. I wonder if they have one of those.

"I've shpent the last week trying to unlock the weaponmaster class, shyou know?" he asks.

"I didn't but now I do." I say through a mouthful of asparagus.

"What's the shecret, huh? You can tell your friend Thunderspank. I won't tell anyone else, promise." he crosses his heart.

"I gained experience by killing an enemy with a sentient, floating weapon that was not traded, sold, or mailed to me." I read directly from the old notification I received.

"That'sh it?" he asks.

"That'sh it." I repeat back to him.

"Huh." he says.

I finish my steak in silence as he downs another cup, tries to get to his unsteady feet, and collapses to the floor. He snores so loudly I can feel it shake the floor beneath my feet. I resist the urge to draw a mustache on him as I depart.

Other Paragons couldn't relate to my situation, they're rich and only bound by contracts that seem so loose they might as well not exist. So what do I do instead of chatting up some egotistical streamer?

The Mithril in my inventory is calling my name.

I level my blacksmithing, crafting mithril pants, chest, shoulders, and helm. Every other slot is filled with much better equipment, I assume. The last time I tried to replace something I didn't know for sure was a downgrade, I regretted it.

Blacksmithing has reached 70!

Huh. I didn't know my profession level could exceed my level. Speaking of, what happened to my mining? I must have gotten at least some experience during the competition with the dwarf king.

Mining has reached level stay forever!

That's… terrifying.

Moosetamer says: Hey, can we talk?