Only Good To Me

Seo Hangeon kept pestering me for my seal of approval. One weekend, we were walking down a street on our way to the International Market. On the street next to the Jagalchi Market, loud pop music was blaring. People with their own reasons were passing by, all mixed together.I had grown quite tall, but Seo Hangeon was even taller. He easily wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close, and spoke nonchalantly, as if discussing yesterday’s school lunch menu.“Why? Why won’t you date me, seriously?”“…Just… I can’t, that’s all.”“Why? Why can’t you?”“I haven’t dated anyone.”“Well, then you can start dating me now.”But as I had said before, the distance between me and my seal of approval was as far as my feelings for him. I couldn’t just stamp it easily. Even now, my phone was vibrating continuously in my jeans pocket.“Just try dating.”Seo Hangeon threw out one word of complaint and pulled out his phone. The caller who made his phone ring was ‘Park Kangmi’. Seo Hangeon immediately rejected the call from his friend Park Kangmin.As soon as he put the phone back into his left jeans pocket, it vibrated again. Tsk, with an annoyed sound, he pulled out his phone, and a white cigarette pack came out with it.“Shit!”Seo Hangeon was startled and, while checking my reaction, quickly put the cigarette pack back. Although he must have known I pretended not to see it, he shook the phone at me, feigning ignorance.“Hold on.”“Yeah, yeah, answer it.”After getting my permission, he put the phone to his ear, and from the other side came curses and shouts.— Why cancel suddenly, you crazy bastard!“What sudden cancellation, you bastard. You made the plans on your own. When did I say I’d go?”— Ah, fuck, what do I do then? Everyone knows you’re coming; Jongho, Hyein, and that fucking bastard Kyu.“Fucking bastard Kyu? Are you talking about Park Seungkyu?”— Yeah. Who else would ‘fucking bastard Kyu’ refer to?“Fuck, Park Kangmin, you…”The arm that was holding my shoulder stopped in its tracks, so I stopped too. Seo Hangeon sharply turned his head away from me, his black hair shining. Each time his voice came out with strength, the muscles under his neck moved rhythmically.“Did I not say I don’t deal with that bastard Seungkyu? Try mentioning his name in front of me one more time.”— Why! Are you still pissed?

“It’s not about being pissed or not, fuck… Hey. Hang up.”— Alright, I’ll tell Kyu not to come then!“I’m not going. Hang up.”— It won’t be fun without you, come on.“Fuck… Hang up.”Mumbling ‘fucking bastard’, he pressed the end call button three times to hang up. Seo Hangeon sighed and leaned his shoulder back onto mine.“Hey? Why won’t it work, Won-ah?”Following the lead of the black jeans, we ended up in an alley of the market that seemed to have stepped back in time. It smelled musty. Piles of clothes were whispering among themselves on the ground, and an unusual outfit was displayed on the wire mesh. I dodged the answer by asking another question.“You have a lot you don’t deal with.”“Huh?”“You don’t deal with guys on KakaoTalk, and you don’t deal with that friend Park Seungkyu.”I was talking about someone I didn’t know but pieced together from the conversation I just heard. Seo Hangeon, with his clean eyebrows furrowed in the middle, zipped up his hoodie to cover his mouth.“That bastard, he goes around extorting money. I immediately cut him out. Fucking crazy bastard. He took one thousand seven hundred from some naive guy.”“One thousand seven hundred won?”“Yeah. I don’t deal with people like that. I don’t even look at them. If that bastard needs money, he should work for it, not scam. I made it clear if he crosses my path again, he’s done, but he doesn’t learn.”I guessed he might be the same guy who took Seo Hangeon’s pocket money back in elementary school. The scoundrel from Seo Hangeon’s gang was now out. For some reason, I felt a bit relieved; my anxious mind, which had been wandering in the troposphere, found calm in the stratosphere.Whenever I thought about the national mock exam results in March, my heart would sink, and my breathing would quicken. Even while watching movies with Seo Hangeon, I couldn’t enjoy it. Even on the walk to the International Market, my mood would sink at every opportunity.When I found out my Korean score would convert to a third grade, my mind went dark. It felt like the world around me was collapsing. Even my only hobby, reading fantasy novels, lost its appeal. I didn’t want to do anything. Reasonable punishment was just a matter of time. Like a prisoner awaiting execution, my throat dried up with each passing moment.Seo Hangeon quickly noticed that I wasn’t laughing at anything. When he asked what was wrong, I answered honestly.“The mock exam results.”After some back-and-forth, Seo Hangeon asked this:“Do you still get hit by your dad?”That my father administered what he called reasonable punishment was something Kangho, Juyong, and Hyungon didn’t know. They only knew my father was strict. But for some reason, I confided in Seo Hangeon about it. I nodded. Seo Hangeon, who had been fiddling with the cigarette pack in his pocket, looked at me and smiled.“When do you get your report card? Take me with you.”“Huh?”“Mr. Geunwoo, don’t live like that. Where would anyone dare hit this pretty face? If he comes to hit you, I’ll be there.”Seo Hangeon seemed like he would really do that, which made me laugh. Suddenly, in the narrow market alley, the black jeans blocked my way. Seo Hangeon, seriously tilting his head to the side, stared at me intensely.“Really, how does he hit you? This face?”“Just on the calves…”“So, how does he hit you? It’s too good to waste.”“…”“Would a slap to the face be okay?”“No.”Seo Hangeon flashed his neat teeth in a smirk, then nodded to the side. Two middle-aged women were diligently making hotteok.“I found the answer. You.”“Huh?”“You. You’re a plain rice cake.”After making this definitive statement, Seo Hangeon went to the stall without asking my opinion and bought five pieces of plain rice cake. I was hungry after watching the movie, so I ate without any complaints. The dough, which had just transformed from liquid to solid, was chewy and seemed to melt in my mouth. We were momentarily taken over by the rice cakes, eating in silence.“Tell me when you get your report card. I’ll go with you.”It seemed like all the playfulness had dissolved into the rice cake. His mature voice was serious, and it gave me strength. With just his voice and the texture of the rice cake, I could endure one or two hours in a dark bathroom. I lied.“Okay.”If I could occasionally spend a whole day like this on weekends under the pretext of going to the study room, I’d be as happy as can be. If I was going to be under the knife of being first-grade in all subjects for all three years of high school, why not occasionally indulge in listening to the voice of my imaginary subject all day?My subject, who wore a Nike wristband and had his shirt off, said he only watched movies with sexy women in them. So we watched “Fast & Furious 7.” Back then, I still enjoyed the car action scenes in the theater.In any case, Seo Hangeon’s ideal type was the sexy style. He wouldn’t spend even a second on the pure and innocent type, preferring cute over pure, and edgy over cute, with the top spot overwhelmingly taken by:“Nothing beats sexy. I don’t need anything else.”He also said:“Even if they dress provocatively, it’s sexy, but what really gets me is someone with a strong personal aura, you know? What should I call it? Mysterious. That’s sexy.”And he added:“Like you.”I wasn’t swayed by those words at all. I secretly scoffed. Who does he think he’s fooling with such obvious flattery? It was annoying to remember that he was trying to get my approval while only watching movies with sexy women. I reaffirmed my decision not to date Seo Hangeon.Lost in these thoughts, my face hardened again. But Seo Hangeon noticed that my current blank expression wasn’t about my exam results.“Why the long face? Pookoom-ah.”I looked at him in disbelief, raising my eyebrows. What did he just say?“You’re now a plain rice cake. Pookoom-ie.”“…Don’t do that. It’s gross.”“I won’t if you tell me why you’re upset. Pookoom-ah.”“Oh, stop it, really!”The new weapon Seo Hangeon discovered created a powerful osmotic pressure. Like water moving to the side of higher concentration, my soul seemed to seep out every time that word clung heavily to my ears. I covered my ears and twisted my body. But the wicked villain did not stop his torture. That “Pookoom-ie” tormented my auditory range all day.Even in the fortune-telling shop we were dragged into, his weapon showed its might.I was scared seeing words like “four pillars of destiny,” “lifetime fortune,” and “astrology,” but Seo Hangeon confidently swung open the iron door. I wondered how many dates he had brought here, which made me mad again. Sitting on an uncomfortable chair without a backrest, giving a look that I wanted to leave, the attack came again.“Still upset? Pookoom-ah?”“Argh!”Shuddering, I swung my arms to push the villain away. The villain gave a friendly smile to the fortune-teller.“Read his fortune first!”“Date of birth?”He announced my date of birth and time. As soon as the old man finished writing, he dropped a shocking statement.“Though you don’t look it, you carry a knife inside. I can see that in you.”The villain clapped his hands and jumped in place, his laughter filling the small room, making him look like a warrior in a hobbit’s home. Seo Hangeon couldn’t sit still, laughing excitedly.“Chuckle chuckle chuckle!! What did you say?!”“You have a very cunning personality. You seem gentle and kind on the outside, right? Not at all.”“Puhahaha!!!”Seo Hangeon couldn’t stop his laughter, which seemed to choke him.“You have a harsh side to you? And you’re good at studying too, I see.”I tilted my head with a half-hearted laugh, wondering what nonsense he was spouting about someone who was good at giving up and at the bottom of the hierarchy.“Oh, you’re the best at studying. Really good. Wow, how did you know, sir?”After barely swallowing his laughter, Seo Hangeon took over my response and flopped into the chair.“But it looks like you don’t have much luck with family. You’re fated to be lonely. You have strong opinions, and you’re destined to be lonely, especially living far from your elders?”As I nodded in agreement, Seo Hangeon paused for a moment. Then, he put his feet up on the chair and squatted, his playful question coming through.“And me, sir? What about me?”“You? You’re destined to be overflowing with popularity! How can two friends be so opposite?”Seo Hangeon burst into a refreshing laugh as if he was hearing this for the first time.“You don’t have much family luck either, but you’re the opposite with friends. Your friend is like a lonely island, isolating himself even if people come close. But you, even if you try to push people away, they’ll follow you in droves.”I laughed and nodded enthusiastically. From beside me came a self-praising sigh of “oh~”.“You also have a lot of luck with wealth. As long as you’re around people, you’ll never starve. You should do jobs where you meet many people. Whether it’s sales or running a business, if you meet as many people as possible, fortune and wealth will follow.”I pulled out the metaphorical knife I had kept hidden.“Then you must have lots of luck with the opposite sex, too.”“Indeed!”The smile vanished from the villain’s face in an instant. The fortune-teller, unaware of this, continued with his clear answer.“You’ll have many women. No worries about marriage luck. You can choose who to marry.”The fortune-teller’s serious eyes turned to me.“You, on the other hand, have a drought in love, only managing one at a time. He…”The tip of the pen pointed at Seo Hangeon’s black jeans.“…can handle five or six at once…”“Let’s go, Won-ah.”Seo Hangeon pushed the plastic chair back, stood up, and helped me up by slipping his hand under my armpit. He didn’t forget to leave a cheerful smile for the fortune-teller.“Our bus time is almost up. Thank you, sir!!”If he had anticipated what the fortune-teller would say, he wouldn’t have suggested coming here. Then, it could be inferred he hadn’t brought a girlfriend here before. After being dragged out, I got my revenge on the villain.“What bus time?”“I just thought it would be better to do something else. What do you want to do?”“Five or six at once…”“That old man is definitely a fraud.”I wanted to enjoy my revenge a bit more, so I kept questioning. As the fortune-teller had said, I indeed had a cunning personality.“Why a fraud? How do you know?”“It’s obvious, isn’t it? He only says good things to you and nonsense to me.”“Saying I’m cunning and carry a knife inside is supposed to be good?”“Yeah. It’s good.”“How is that good?”“Because it’s my ideal type.”“…”“I really like that type, you know. I’ve said it. I like the naughty, sexy type.”Having failed in my revenge, I put my hands in my hoodie pockets and walked with my head down, feeling downcast. The darkness seeped into the asphalt as evening approached. The black jeans embraced my shoulders again.“So when are you going to date me? Pookoom-ah.”You occasionally, or perhaps frequently, called me by that name. When I heard that disgusting term, goosebumps spread all over my body, and my stomach churned. I was your plain rice cake.But to hear those words, I lacked the bubbly charm, the cute voice, or the actions. My voice was low and rough, with an unusual amount of moisture, traits that matched my introverted personality. It was very different from Seo Hangeon’s clear, strong, and straightforward voice.Today, I had to say goodbye to that clear, strong voice here. I dimmed my mood to match the dark evening sky.We walked and walked until we reached a bus stop on a road with little traffic or people. It was a temporary stop without a digital arrival information system. We concluded from our phone apps that a bus going straight to my place would come here.“What are you going to do when I leave?”“Go to the gym or something.”I thought to myself, ‘You mean the billiard room,’ while glancing at his busy phone screen. On Seo Hangeon’s phone, KakaoTalk and Facebook notifications were popping up one after another. No matter how you looked at it, Seo Hangeon was not only a kissing genius but also a genius at reading the room. Maybe he sensed my sidelong glance because he made a surprising offer.“Want to see? My FB.”I answered indifferently, letting my voice trail off.“Uh…”I leaned closer to his phone screen. A thick arm was on my left shoulder, and another arm wrapped around my right shoulder. Our bodies were as close as when we made a wish in front of the sink.“This is our dojang. This is the gym.”His thumb kindly tapped and scrolled through the screen. When other girls from the same academy showed me before, his page was plastered with photos of him with his girlfriend at cafes, arcades, and popular spots in downtown areas. Now, Seo Hangeon’s page was mostly filled with photos of acquaintances or group shots.“This guy is the master. And this guy, you’ve seen him before, right? The one with the seafood soup.”He explained everything in detail, even zooming in. Then, when a group photo with several girls came up, my eyes focused with maximum intensity. In a photo taken at a barbecue restaurant, Seo Hangeon was sitting at the edge of the table, holding a glass sideways, glaring intensely at the camera.“This one. Park Kangmin is in it, my friend from class 7. It was his birthday, so we went to this new place near City Hall. Let’s go there next time. Do you like meat?”I was so caught up in the photo that I didn’t properly hear what he said and asked another question.“Did you drink?”“Huh? No? We’re minors, we can’t drink here.”Here.It was a subtle choice of words. Seeing my suspicious reaction, he gave a refreshing answer.“I don’t drink. My body can’t handle it. Lucky, right?”“Is that true?”“You don’t believe me? Huh?”Even during this conversation, I was looking for any girl with an attractive aura among those in the photos.As I scrolled down, I saw a couple more similar photos. There were also posts promoting and supporting restaurants or bars run by his senior friends, and photos of him posing in front of several shiny bikes, facing away from the camera. Those photos had an impressive number of likes.While I would spend 90% of my awake time at school or the academy, Seo Hangeon’s life would be filled with such scenes. I felt a profound sense of disconnection.Suddenly, the phone disappeared, and Seo Hangeon’s face came very close.“What are you thinking about?”“Nothing…”“Thinking I just wander around aimlessly?”“No? No. Not that.”Why do you keep asking me to date you? I didn’t say that because I knew it would lead to a flood of words. I decided there was never going to be any stamp of approval from me.Seo Hangeon, who had been observing me by lowering his head to match my eye level, had his face lit up by the headlights of a passing car.“This expression really drives me crazy. It’s so stubborn.”“…”“Your eyes look stubborn, and your cheeks look plump and cute. You seem really stubborn. Don’t you know that?”I was trying to find the right words when I gave up and answered with a resigned tone.“Stubborn. High house?”Seo Hangeon was silent for a while.I smiled slowly, hoping he would laugh, and as I looked up, I saw the gaze of an adult leisurely contemplating how to handle this situation. Seo Hangeon was watching me, his tongue rolling inside his slightly bitten lips, smiling.Eyes trained in the world of money, work, and society were kindly deceiving my eyes, which had only known pre-studying, reviewing, and sitting at a desk. My heart shook fiercely.Eyes trained and worn by money, work, and the world approached me threateningly, pulling me into a nearby building.“But you,”I couldn’t push away the eyes that were coming closer in the darkness.“You’re so damn cute.”Then I was robbed of my second kiss. His lips, warmer and softer than plain rice cake, pressed against mine, quickly becoming entangled. Seo Hangeon carefully rubbed his tongue around my lips, coating them with saliva before meticulously collecting it all back. With each push of his hot mucous membrane inside my lips, it felt like the touching surfaces were melting.I didn’t even count how many buses passed.Standing at a stop without a route map, ignoring the buses that we could see coming from afar, walking all the way to this secluded stop, neither of us asking why the bus wasn’t coming, all while knowing this slyness but still standing there, not distinguishing between truth and lies in our foolish hearts.The sound of the passing headlights and the spring that flowed so vividly. Our time swaying at the tips of the increasingly clear leaves. I wanted to be trapped in that time forever. If the 15th-dimensional door closed and time stretched into eternity, I wanted to be forever trapped within.🏐That month’s Korean section in the mock exam was difficult, but fortunately, I got a 2nd grade in Korean and Korean History. I got 1st grades in all other subjects. This time, my father skipped both the beating and the bathroom punishment, saying we should wait for the mid-term results. If I were to apply for early admission to medical school, those scores would meet the minimum requirements.Studying suited my aptitude. The process of calmly sitting alone, organizing, and solving things one by one was perfectly aligned with my personality. However, the three years spent in high school felt endless to the one experiencing it, especially for someone who had lost the reason to go to school every day. The reality of not being able to see Seo Hangeon at school was quite painful.Still, during school hours, on the way to the academy, or on the bus home from the academy, I could text him. After finishing self-study at the academy, it would be 11 PM. Seo Hangeon was working at that time in a place similar to an izakaya near the Gwangalli beach. It was near his home, and the restaurant owner who had connected our first kiss had changed his seafood restaurant into an izakaya specializing in salmon dishes.Seo Hangeon said he enjoyed working there. He found it fun to observe how money circulated within the store, and he enjoyed recommending menu items or sakes to customers, serving drinks, and exchanging jokes with them.Occasionally, the route of the academy bus would coincide with Seo Hangeon’s break time. At those moments, he would come out to the road and wave at me in greeting. No one would think that the part-time worker at that shop was a high school student. With a bandana on his head, wearing the shop’s bright blue uniform polo shirt, and hiding a cigarette in one hand behind him, the good-looking boy from Suyeong-gu waved at me with a bright smile.If I looked out the window until my neck could turn no more, sometimes I could see Seo Hangeon, who had turned away before me, with a cigarette in his mouth. Two satellites in orbit would align in a straight line and then drift apart again. We, living in such different worlds, could only meet like this on weekdays.Did he feel something similar when the academy bus moved away and my face was reflected in the glass window? After our brief encounter, my heart always felt strangely heavy. I had to calm my stinging eyes because I desperately wanted to see the face I had just seen again.Even that melancholy was very precious to me. As precious as the blue Monami pen I kept in my first drawer.Several weeks passed, and in May, when I was in the midst of preparing for the final exams, Seo Hangeon made his second visit to our academy.It was because of a note made from a torn piece of a notebook.“Damn, my mom is driving me crazy. If I try to use my phone on the weekend, she goes nuts asking if I’m out of my mind.”“Do it when your mom’s not around. I pretend to take a bath in the bathroom to play games.”“Why go to such lengths? It’s ridiculous. What’s with studying until 11 PM every weekday!”“If I say that, my mom says, ‘Then what about your dad and me working every day, weekends included?'”“Right, right! That’s always her line!”“All three of you are so good at studying, and your parents still make a fuss. My parents don’t care much on weekends.”“Wow, I’m so jealous…”There was sincerity in Kangho and Hyungon’s praise of Juyong’s parents. Even Kangho, who always got top grades in mock exams, had his own stress about his parents. When it came to parents, I didn’t have much to say, so I just listened, occasionally laughing along.Suddenly, all three of them looked somewhere at the same time, then awkwardly averted their eyes and shut up. Two girls from another class in our academy were entering our classroom. They were probably from the Yale class. They were the girls who had asked me about Seo Hangeon at the convenience store before.One girl approached me with a shy smile, holding out a piece of paper.“Hey, you… I saw you with Seo Hangeon before, right?”She must have seen him from the third-floor window when he came to get Pepero. It seemed awkward to deny knowing him, so I admitted it.“Yeah.”“Well… see, my friend likes him, but he doesn’t accept her friend request. She wants to send him a KakaoTalk message. If you know his number, could you give it to me? This is my number.”The girl with shoulder-length hair scratched her head and gave a bashful smile. On the piece of paper torn from the edge of a notebook, her name and phone number were written.“Uh…”What made me hesitate wasn’t that her friend liked Seo Hangeon but the moral question of whether I could share his phone number without permission. When I stopped talking, looking troubled, the girl cheerfully asked.“Could you ask him if it’s okay and text me this number? Our class is over now.”“Oh, okay. I’ll ask.”“Hihi! Thanks, your name’s Lee Won, right?”“Yeah…”After thanking me again, the girls left, giggling. The three friends, who had been silent, started whispering to each other.“Man, that was surprising.”“They came in so suddenly, it was scary.”“Why be scared, idiots?”“You were the most scared!”The corners of the three boys’ mouths were filled with irrepressible laughter. That was the general reaction of most boys their age to girls exuding lively shyness. But not me. I was responding to the izakaya part-time worker who waved at me from afar.It was around 9:45 PM. There was still some time before Seo Hangeon had to go to work. I went out into the hallway and called him. After two rings, he answered.— Hey, Won-ah.“Hey, are you home?”— No, I’m outside. Why? Are you at the academy?“Yeah, at the academy.”— You never call from the academy. Miss me?From the sound of the motorcycle starting, it seemed like he was with the biker club seniors. His voice was higher than usual, indicating he was in a good mood. I spoke calmly.“Just now, a girl came to the academy asking if I could give her your number.”— …What?“Her friend likes you but you don’t accept her friend request…”— Wait, hang on.The tone of his voice changed abruptly, lowering significantly, pressing me.— Is she there with you?“Who?”— The girl who asked for my number. Is she there? Hurry up.“…Uh? No. She gave me a paper with her number and left.”— Shit…!Regardless, I had been asked a favor, and I was just following the obligatory procedure of checking. I couldn’t relay lies. I was confident Seo Hangeon would obviously refuse this request. He’d tell me not to share it. Then all I had to do was pass that message along to the girl.But I didn’t expect Seo Hangeon to get angry. I stood there, speechless.— Is she crazy? She tries to reach me through KakaoTalk when I don’t even accept her friend request, she’s a stalker. That’s an excuse.Through the phone, I could hear him barely suppressing his irritation.— She’s asking for your number, not mine!As someone not adept in the art of romance like the owner of the irritated voice, I struggled to understand even after his explanation. I tried to activate my unresponsive brain cells. Seo Hangeon couldn’t wait even for that moment and spoke with a harsh tone.— Hold onto that paper. I’m coming now.Upon retracing the girl’s thought process, Seo Hangeon’s words made sense. First possibility: Seo Hangeon allows me to give out his number. Second possibility: He tells me not to. Regardless of which became reality, that girl could get my phone number.But she didn’t know that Seo Hangeon wanted to kiss my cheeks.Seo Hangeon arrived at the academy in exactly 7 minutes. Our academy had a self-study room set up like a library with assigned seats where you could study on weekdays or weekends. I grabbed my bag and went into the self-study room, and then I got a call.I told him to come to the stairs at the back of the self-study room to avoid being seen by the administrative teacher or the principal at the academy counter. It was the staircase connected to the back door of the building. I quietly closed the door so as not to make any noise that might carry into the self-study room. Clack, after letting go of the handle and turning around, I was startled.Someone was sitting on the stairs leading to the fourth floor. It was Seo Hangeon, wearing a black windbreaker and a cap. The ends of his three-stripe track pants were tucked into white soccer socks.“Show me the paper.”The paper, roughly torn into a 5cm by 5cm square, was placed on his large palm. Seo Hangeon, leaning his elbow on his knee and propping his chin up with his hand, looked down at the paper before lifting his eyes to me.“Look. That old man was a fraud, wasn’t he?”“…The fortune-teller?”“Yeah, what do you mean not getting entangled with one person at a time? You get tangled up like hell.”The paper was crumpled with a crackling sound. As I expected. I stood against the wall watching Seo Hangeon meticulously crumple the small piece of paper into a ball, like he would discard a gum wrapper. After making it into a small lump, Seo Hangeon looked up at me. The shadow from the cap looked even darker in the dim corridor.With the crumpled paper in his hand, I thought he was going to throw it away at the far corner of the stairs. But instead, Seo Hangeon tossed it into his mouth. He gave me an indifferent look, moving his jaw. His throat visibly swallowed the paper.“…Did you really swallow it?”“Yeah. Your phone.”“Huh?”“Give me your phone.”“Why?”“To check if you saved the number.”“I didn’t.”“Let me check.”I handed over my phone compliantly. His sturdy thumb quickly scanned through the call logs, contacts, text messages, and KakaoTalk list. After returning my phone, Seo Hangeon once again leaned his elbow on his knee and propped his chin.I couldn’t believe he actually ate the paper. I didn’t drop my suspicion, closely observing if his pronunciation would falter. But the words that followed were clear and precise.“Go to her class or meet her in the hallway tomorrow and tell her directly that I said not to give out my number, Won-ah. Got it?”My face scrunched up in displeasure.“Huh?”“If you just stay quiet, she’ll think you’re playing hard to get. You have to tell her directly to her face that you won’t give out the number.”“I can’t do that.”I blurted out my objection without thinking, akin to rejecting my father’s suggestion to cut my bangs, immediately feeling anxious. I didn’t look directly under the cap but faced the stairs while trying to neutralize my previous statement.“Approaching her first… I can’t do that.”Seo Hangeon, clasping his hands together, nodded his head down.“Okay. I understand. Then we’ll have to wait until she comes to you.”“Since you ate the paper, that’s how it will be.”“Then when she does, say you forgot to ask. Say you’re not that close. Would that work?”“Huh? That’s kind of…”“Doesn’t that work either?”I twisted my head, giving an awkward smile.“Lying… is kind of…”Seo Hangeon, still with his hands clasped, was looking expressionlessly into the distance below us. I steeled my resolve once more.“I’ll just say I asked you, and you said no. I’ll tell her.”“The paper…”If the girl asked why I didn’t text, I felt a bit sorry to say I lost the paper. After a brief thought, I came up with a solution.“Just don’t mention the paper… I’ll say I was planning to text anyway…”“Just give her the number?”There was no change in his expression as he looked down.“Just give her my number.”My breath caught for a moment, but I answered quickly. My response was predetermined.“Okay. Got it.”“Yeah. That’s the cleanest way. No need for you to lie.”“Uh…”A forced laugh escaped. The stairs fell silent. The silence was prickly. Seo Hangeon, who had run his hands through his hair, looked at me straight on.“Won-ah. What do you want from me?”The aggressive content of the question felt like it blocked my blood flow. His eyes, neither scolding nor picking a fight, just peaceful, pierced through me.“Are you playing with me?”“…”“Do you think everything I say is a joke?”My head started to feel cold due to the slowed blood flow. I turned my face away, hardening my expression.“I’m not messing around. I’m just asking.”In front of this peaceful gaze that hid its edge, a familiar situation came to mind. A doctor interrogating me. A doctor pressuring me with questions that have predetermined answers. In front of him, I always shut my mouth and kill my expression. Then I close the door, lock the bolt, and sit alone with my thoughts.I entered one of the photos I had seen on Seo Hangeon’s Facebook.A barbecue restaurant, a table surrounded by seven teenagers of our age. A lively, sexy girl throws out a witty remark, and Seo Hangeon looks at her with sharp eyes. Their eyes meet, and adrenaline is exchanged. Where Seo Hangeon’s cool laughter passes, attention and gazes pour in. Amidst this, eyes search for each other intensely.I was momentarily detached from reality. But Seo Hangeon’s next words pulled me out of there.“Ha, shit… it’s because I stood up that day, because of that, fuck…”My head, which had been lost in virtual reality, cleared a bit. Coming to my senses, I spoke the truth.“No. It’s not because of that.”“Then what is it for? Huh? Let’s figure it out. Why are you doing this, Won-ah?”“…”“I thought you liked kissing me.”I answered truthfully this time too.“…I like it. Because you’re good at it.”A short laugh ended with a swear word. The face that had been hiding its sharpness under the cap softened a bit.“But.”“…Even so… that’s separate from dating.”“Why separate?”“You can kiss someone even if you don’t like them…”“You kiss someone you don’t like?”After conveying my lack of will to answer by pursing my lips, I changed the question.“Why are you so obsessed with dating?”“Obsessed?? Come on. I’m only obsessed because you won’t date me!”“So…”