Old Journals of a Millennial. Volume 2.

I remember the first time I actually got a check back during tax season.

I had to have been no more than 22 years old, and I had claimed both my Mum and my baby sister that year, as I had been living with and practically caring for them at the time. 

I remember the feeling of seeing a check for nearly 4800.00 dollars and being blown away by the sheer amount of money in one place.

Of course, I hadn't cashed it yet, and I had to split it with my Mun as well...so my share was more akin to 2500.

Nonetheless, that amount even was more than I had ever seen or had to my name up till that point.

I had no idea what to do with so much money lbvs.

Poverty is strange that way, you know?

Well...if you know, you know.

That amount of money was one that I knew I would not see again or often at all in my life, so I wanted to enjoy it as much as and for as long as possible.

I didn't do anything foolish with it mind you, but I sure as hell didn't do anything productive with it either! 

I remember paying my share of the bills and rent off, buying a used Xbox 360 and a couple of equally used games, some MTG cards (many that I still have to this day), and a few other young-minded things. 

I can't say that I regret much in life, and of the things I do regret, spending money is not one of them.

It is a weird thing to be anti-materialistic to the point of not caring if I am broke or not.

I unfortunately was never taught the value of a dollar as a child, and that lack of caring for said dollar often leaves me very much thus: Broke.

I guess I just don't care to retain it...

Money -cash more specifically- just feels so dirty to me.

I have never cared much for it outside of the things that I NEED it for, as I did teach myself to go work for and earn fairly the things that I have found myself WANTING. 

Outside of necessities, I must admit that I am horrible at saving...

Part of that is due to my upbringing and the other part is due to just being born to a pair of people who were also born into in a lower tax bracket lbvs.

Such is life.

I am a peasant lol.

As long as I have a small meal or two a day, and my rent/bills are paid?

I am okay.

I am sure that life is this way for hundreds of thousands if not MILLIONS of people around the world, so who would I be to complain, yeah?

I had a point or something to make, but shit...

I have been at it long enough, and it slipped my mind.

I will leave you all to what you came for.

Enjoy.

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January 28th, 2012.

Journal #017.

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So my taxes won't be done with theirs...

Great.

I shouldn't have got my hopes up, but I really didn't

So that's that.

If my money gets taken then that's fine.

The bill will get paid, so that's okay with me.

I just want my plans to work out...So I can get this place in May...

These stupid memories keep assaulting me... 

I'll get stronger from it.

I hope.

-----

So lol

I recall a friend offering to "claim" me on her taxes much as I had claimed my family members not too long ago.

I recall also not minding this idea in the least since it would result in a larger overall payout that we could then split down the middle. 

I recall lastly that it did not work out as planned for a reason that I conversely do not recall lol. 

My bad folks.

As for the rest of that bit?

I don't recall if I landed a new apartment by May of that year, but like many other factoids, I am sure we will see with time.

The memories that assaulted me so you ask? 

Well...

I had been engaged for the second time in my life during the summer of 2011.

The first time had been to my High school sweetheart, and that had crumbled due to...

Another story for another time.

But this one?

Her name was XXXXX.

I won't give that away, just as I won't state the others...

This is just as well because I vowed to never write or type it ever again, so there is that lol. 

Long story short, we meet in Northern Wisconsin at a summer camp.

It was...a both long and short, strangely potent, strongly palpable experience that I may have just been far too quixotic for my own good to see for what it really was...

Hindsight sucks monkey dick, you know?

(No offense meant to any and all monkeys who may or may not be reading this.) 

We fell quickly, madly, deeply, and recklessly in love...

We were young, but I was just a bit older, and old enough -maybe- to know better. 

But love is love is love, you know?

You know?

She ghosted me just a month or so after the summer ended, and then proceeded to break up with me via a text while she was several states away in college lol.

"It all sounded good at the time." She said.

And she moved on with her life, while I gifted my third engagement ring to my little sister. 

I kinda still live with that.

Some weird, residual pain...

An eerie and persistent echo that whispers to me that I am not good enough... 

She inspired much of my best poetry for years to come and still inspires random pieces to this day. 

Some people...some things change us on such a deep and profound level, you know?

Levels that we are often ashamed to admit that we either let them pull us to, or we ourselves let them access, believing that their intentions were pure and just.

We have all been there.

It's okay.

I wouldn't be who I am without that experience, as painful as it was. 

Bah.

Love, yeah?

I still don't know what I am doing with it, and I am 36 now.

Sheesh.

See you soon folks. 

-Redd.