Old Journals of a Millennial. Volume 2.

Looking back at these old journal entries has really been kinda hard for me.

Memories fade, but they remain alive and in living color when you have a habit of writing things down at the end of the day...

A gift and a curse I assure you.

I struggle with this volume a bit more than I did with the last, you know?

Some of this is still a bit heavier on me than I thought it would be.

I am well past 90% of this stuff, but trauma is trauma. 

But that is neither here nor there, yeah?

I will leave you all to it, Enjoy!

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January 22nd, 2012.

Journal #014. 

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I'm looking forward to moving...

It's a big goal, but I know I can do it.

I have to.

I really want my own place so that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. 

I don't mind living here (at times) but it does tend to get and be annoying as shit...

I'm not fond of dogs at all and XXXXX's opinions can be nerve-wracking too.

But hey, I'm not perfect.

Nor will I ever be.

My goal is to move by May at the latest.

I'm going to put up anywhere from one to two hundred dollars a paycheck and lock it away so that it can be saved from my spending habits. 

I really want to finish school but it's just annoying being there and I'm not fond of being poked by flippin' needles...I'd like to get more hours for work.

At 10 bucks an hour, eight hours is amazing.

Even six would be worth it.

I need to be better this year.

I keep saying it Kasi, but I know I have a lot to do.

Much growing up to do as well.

I really want to start writing again.

It's been a huge passion of mine and I don't like feeling it fade away.

*XXXXX told me that she loves me.

I wonder if she was drunk lol.

But I'd hope not.

I did say it back.

Only because it's true.

I really do love her and mayhap she loves me too.

BUT there are many types of love.

We love each other, but we are not IN love.

I've known her for six/seven years.

Wow, how time passes huh?

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I don't have a problem with dogs, nonetheless, I am more of a cat person if given a choice lol.

My roommate and her husband had three dogs.

In a two-bedroom apartment.

Lort have merbies...

They would bark and pee and poop and fight and run and jump all over you, run between your legs, and so on and so forth. It was soooooo much to deal with alongside four adults (including myself) and a plethora of guests who came and went. 

I hated most the smell of old (and often new) piss that permeated the single hallway that lead from the main living areas (living room, dining room, kitchen.) to the bathroom and bedrooms.

I can't tell you how many times I had to change socks after stepping on wet patches of the carpet...

As for her opinion?

It was sprinkled finely over the tops of everything, like powdered sugar...

I hate powdered sugar lol. Sometimes you can't escape people's opinions, and I despise those times especially when they are constant, unwanted, and unwarranted. 

I do my best not to offer mine unless I am asked for it, but we are all different in that regard, yeah? 

As for being able to save "100 to 200 dollars a paycheck?" 

Lort have MORE merbies.

I was working part-time and going to school at the same time.

I was also being paid 10 bucks an hour lmao. 

Doing the quick math, I can't see how I would have ever been able to save that amount realistically. I was barely breaking just over 200 bucks a week at that point in time while working just 20 hours a week. I knew that this would not and could not be a long-term gig, as much as I loved working for the B&G Club. 

Outside of work, school was getting harder and harder to deal with as XXXXX grew closer to her due date. The stress was mounting, and I had no idea what I was going to do, as I had no plan and still lived with another couple and their army of canines. 

I hadn't been writing simply because I was just unable to find motivation, and my will to do so had begun to fade. I hated that so much because I had always been able to write if nothing else...and I had used that as an outlet for my emotions and such, much as I still do today. 

Much as I am sure I always will.

I still keep an active journal these days, and I am sure you have seen my series of short stories, and my poetry book as well, even if you all don't read them along with these journals of mine. 

As for that new *XXXXX?

That would be my future ex-fiancé. 

Lbvs...

We met when I was 16 and she was 19.

I am SURE that there are several many poems in my collection that are about or dedicated to her. 

I am more sure that a LOT of the following journal entries will center around her in some way, shape, or form.

I still write about her in my modern journal, as we've been separated for just over two years now...

We were together for nearly a decade.

How time passes, yeah?

I remember that night when she told me she loved me for the first time...

We were at the house party of a good friend of mine, and XXXXX was definitely and defiantly drunk. 

She also asked me to kiss her that night, which I politely refused.

I was never into drunk women, even if I had been drinking as well. I couldn't bring myself to do it. 

She was also...well, another story for another time.

See you soon folks.

-Redd.