Of Men and Spiders

For some reason, Scott was a lot more nervous now than he had been when dealing with Captain Drake. Maybe it was because he'd already won in that meeting and just needed to wait for the other party to realize it, whereas here, he didn't even know what winning was or if it was even possible. He fought the urge to shift uncomfortably in his chair under the scrutinizing gaze of the earth representative in the room. Whatever the representative was thinking, his face expressed nothing as he started to speak, addressing Charlotte. "I believe there has been a misunderstanding here. Whatever customs your people have, you, unfortunately, don't get to pick one of our representatives in these negotiations."

Charlotte, whose face was equally inscrutable for different reasons, tilted her head. "Yes, I believe there is a misunderstanding here. Scott is not one of your representatives to us; he's one of our representatives to you."

The earth representative's face finally showed some emotion in the form of confusion. "You want a human to represent your people to us humans? That seems rather...unorthodox."

This time, Fiz answered, her appendage's facial expression set in a perpetual sneer that Scott felt aptly represented her nature. "Oh? Do your people have much experience dealing with sapient species to have traditions established? Or are you trying to apply human standards to our method of negotiating? To quote yourself from moments ago, 'Whatever customs your people have, you, unfortunately, don't get to pick one of our representatives in these negotiations.'"

Not sure how he'd messed up enough to earn her ire, the earth representative shook his head. "No, of course, you can select whomever you wish to join your delegation. I meant no offense."

Dotty didn't seem offended. "Excellent. Now that that's been straightened out, have you had a chance to review some of our requests?"

The human representative hesitated. "Yes... some of your 'requests' would be quite... difficult to implement. For instance, pardoning all the pirates who worked for Captain Drake is quite a tall order. Some of them participated in particularly heinous crimes..."

This was Scott's turn to interrupt. "Oh, not all the pirates, just those who agreed to stay in the organization's new structure, which was less than half, with the condition that they participate in no more pirate activity from this day forward. Anyone who breaks that condition can be charged not just with their new crimes but all the old ones. We are willing to negotiate if there are particular individuals you feel cannot be pardoned. However, we insist on pardoning Captain Roberts and the crew of his ship as a bare minimum of the agreement."

Another representative shuffling through some papers cleared his throat. "Captain Roberts and his crew are guilty of mutiny, desertion, and theft of an entire battleship! Those are not crimes that are easily forgivable!"

Charlotte leaned forward. "And yet that is precisely what we're asking of you. Our house-ships are not compatible with your technology for communication or physical interactions. While this may be addressed eventually, in the meantime, the individuals of the reorganized Drake Group, to be renamed the 'Scarlet Wing' and led by Lucy, will take the burden off implementing unfamiliar changes to either of our people in the short term by acting as a go-between as needed. They will effectively offer their space as the equivalent of an embassy for us to interact with humanity. Captain Roberts, his ship, and crew act to give us an air of legitimacy while attracting the more honorable former outlaws and keeping any troublemakers in check. Unless you would prefer we use our own methods of pacifying the population in the region."

Having apparently seen the now classified recordings of Charlotte's assault on Station 045-379, the lead diplomat paled. "Ah, no, we should probably avoid that. However, one thing remains unclear, you mentioned that everyone who used to be part of the Drake group is to be pardoned, but it was unclear if that included Drake himself."

Scott shook his head. "No, you're free to hold Captain Drake accountable for any crimes you can pin on him if you can find the bastard."

The diplomat raised an eyebrow. "If we can find him? Did you not take control of his ship?"

Scott sighed. "Yeah, we did, but by the time we got enough people in place to ensure a transfer of power, he'd already fled to God knows where. Honestly, you'll be doing us a favor if you can track him down and lock him in a cell for the foreseeable future."

One of the other diplomats spoke up. "Setting aside the considerations for a moment, what exactly did you mean regarding participating in an 'exchange of knowledge?' What are you asking for, and what do you offer?"

Charlotte retook the lead: "We have found your understanding of genetics and biology surprisingly...rudimentary. We are offering to set up a scholastic environment where any of your medical personnel can attend to learn new methods that should considerably increase your people's health and extend lifespans. In return, we would like to learn more about your tools."

The lead diplomat looked confused. "And by tools, you mean...what exactly?"

Scott leaned forward. "'Tools' is their way of describing any external objects we use that didn't originate from within us, from basic things like clothing or utensils to complex objects like spaceships or communication technology. Before encountering humans, their only knowledge of tool use came from observing simple primitive species, like when a primate other than humans used a stick to get food. Using a tool they didn't create biologically simply didn't occur to them."

One of the observing scientists in the room shook his head as he spoke with a colleague in a volume he probably thought was too quiet to be overheard by the people at the table. "That doesn't make any sense! I thought they were a spacefaring species."

Dotty answered, directing her gaze at the observer. Somehow, she managed to come across as kind while also sounding like she was admonishing a particularly slow student. "We are and have been for far longer than humans. We simply made our houseships the same way we made our bodies. We grew them."

The lead diplomat shot the scientist in question a look that clearly stated he should shut up before cleaning his throat. "Ah, yes, I'm sure an exchange to that effect would be agreeable, with certain limits, of course. Now, let us move onto some basic legal questions, such as who has authority in what regions and what minimal rules should exist between our people."

Scott sighed and settled in. This didn't seem like it would be as much fun as an exchange of knowledge, but it was probably necessary sooner rather than later.

-

After a somewhat frustrating first week of negotiations, Scott was happy to visit his family, where at least not everything said was meant to have double to triple meanings, and deciding something was as simple as asking for opinions. Walking into the residential area, he was quickly ambushed from both sides by two Alices, one with eight legs and the other more human-looking, as they spoke in unison. "Welcome home, Scott!"

Scott shook his head. "You know, I'm always happy to see you, munchkin, but I admit it's a little weird seeing two of you now!"

Cleo, who'd been on babysitting duty along with Charlotte, shook her head. "You think that's weird? You should see them eat together! She eats with both bodies in perfect unison!"

Alice nodded. "Yeah, it's cuz my human body can taste food like I used to! So if I eat with both bodies at the same time, it's like I'm eating normal food again!"

Cleo laughed. "But I have to admit, seeing her new dance routines with both of herselves is getting pretty impressive. I keep saying we need to figure out how to get tap shoes for the spider legs!"

That made Scott hesitate. "Well, that might be a challenge since the Vitexrā don't have things like shoes, and we're keeping Alice out of the public limelight for now..."

Charlotte seemed thoughtful. "Maybe I could convince a shoemaker I wanted to make a tap-dancing appendage?"

The image of a tap-dancing Charlotte was just a little too much for Scott, who was so distracted he didn't even realize his mom and John had both come in behind him until the door closed. He turned around and was welcomed with another hug from his mom, and John shook his hand. "So, how's the life of our newest big-time diplomat in the family?"

Scott shook his head. "Probably not as exciting as taking a massive pirate fleet and turning them into respectable citizens again!"

Lucy, who was now going only by her former name now that she wasn't on the government's most wanted list, shook her head. "Exciting isn't the word for it... I'd say it's more like...tedious. Immensely tedious. There's too much paperwork! No one should have to sign their names that many times a day!"

John laughed. "Now, now, you just have to learn to see all this paperwork as its own type of exciting battle! Why, just today, I found one of our supposed new loyal associates had been trying to legally transfer a lot of Drake's old property into his name under our noses! Needless to say, his appeal to join our team was rejected."

Lucy looked at the man by her side. "John dear, you know I love you, and I think you're a great husband and father, but you are seriously one of the most boring people in the galaxy when it comes to your definition of 'exciting.'"

He leaned over and gave Lucy a kiss. "That's what I have you for, darling, to add some spice to my life!"

Scott looked back and forth. "Dear? Darling? When did you two turn into Mr and Mrs Bland?"

Cleo shook her head and leaned in as if sharing a secret. "Trust me, you don't want to hear what they call each other when they think no one is around! No one needs that kind of spice! It'll scar you for life!"

Charlotte nodded. "Indeed. Human mating rituals are far more complicated and involved than I had previously realized. You and Cleo obviously need to increase your collection of marital tools if you wish to sire any offspring in the near future."

Scott was doing his very best not to imagine what in the world Charlotte could mean by that when Lucy cut in loudly. "OKAY! That's enough on that subject for now! Also, Charlotte, dear, we need to have another discussion on boundaries. But for now, what say we get cleaned up and have ourselves a bite to eat? One of the few perks to this job is that I have access to all my dad's old chefs who stuck around, and they can whisk us up something to eat in short order!"

The Alices shot up to their feet again, speaking in unison. "Ohh, can I have pancakes again?"

Lucy nodded. "Of course, dear, but we talked about this. Try to only talk with one of yourselves at a time. It gets confusing for people if you talk with both bodies at once!"

Cleo smirked. "Also, it's a bit creepy, kiddo. You're cute, and I love you, but both of you talking at once reminds me of twins in old Earth horror movies!"

Charlotte tilted her head. "I've watched a number of these 'old earth horror movies' with Cleo, and it's astounding how frequently spiders are portrayed as things to be feared. It makes me wonder if humanity will ever truly accept the Vitexrā as we are."

Scott sighed and shook his head. "Well, you might have an uphill battle, but I suspect you can get there, at least to the people who get a chance to get to know you. After all, you won us over!"

Charlotte nodded. "So what you are saying is I just need to get more humans in a situation where they need to depend on me for survival to make friends?"

Scott just shook his head. "Whatever you do, please don't joke like that in front of the earth diplomats..."

Charlotte tilted her head again. "Why do you assume I was joking?"

Scott closed his eyes and started silently counting to ten.