Nirvana In Fire

Preamble:

I just wanted to take this moment to thank you all for leaving your comments!! I know I have been remiss in replying all of them especially last month when I took a break from translation for a while, but I want you to know I’ve read each and every one of them. Just that sometimes, when I’m sitting in front of the computer like now, I’m just itching to finish a chapter or go on to the next one!

But I wanted to let you know that it’s a big encouragement for me to hear from so many of you, and even though I may not always reply, I would still love to continue hearing your thoughts on the chapters so do keep them coming!

Prince Jing returned from the hunting ground with the Liang Emperor. After accompanying his father back to his tent, he took his leave but did not return to his tent, proceeding instead to visit the third prince, Prince Xu and the fifth prince, Prince Huai. Though they weren’t especially close to Prince Jing, the relationship between these brothers was generally good. During the time of the Spring Hunt in previous years, the crown prince and Prince Yu were in elevated positions and only revolved around the Liang Emperor, while the three brothers were of similar rank and thus housed in the same location. But this year Prince Jing’s rank was a lot higher compared to previous years, so the both of them dared not visit him as they pleased like they used to do, so now that Prince Jing had some free time, he took the initiative to visit them. The tents of Prince Xu and Prince Huai were next to each other. In order to receive Prince Jing, laid mats, barbecued meats and wine in the open space between the tents and enjoyed each other’s company.

Just when everyone had eaten and drunk to their heart’s content and were starting to have tea to aid their digestion, Concubine Jing’s maid came over, accompanied by Lie Zhanying, with Mei Changsu standing in the distance, waiting. Once they heard that Imperial Consort Jing had summoned him, Prince Xu and Prince Huai did not delay him and hurriedly got up to see him off.

The princes’ tents weren’t very far away from the imperial tent, except that they needed to pass through the imperial guards posted around it. Meng Zhi stood by the entrance of the surrounding tall wooden fence and saluted them, ready to accompany them in. He glanced meaningfully at Mei Changsu, and the latter smiled faintly in return, his expression calm.

When they arrived at the entrance of Concubine Jing’s tent, her maid announced their arrival, and both men entered one after the other. The internal furnishings were simple and neat. There were only a chest, a divan and two small tables, with four to five low chairs with curved backs. Concubine Jing was wearing a gray mink coat over a plain long skirt because she was still in mourning, and on her head, only a silver hair ornament. She looked graceful, gentle and unassuming. When she saw her son kneel down to pay his respects, she smiled and stretched out her hands to raise him up.

Prince Jing raised his hand and gestured in introduction, “Mother, this is Mister Su.”

Mei Changsu stepped forward and bowed in greeting. “Su mou greets Concubine Jing niang niang.” He was just a step behind Prince Jing so Concubine Jing had already caught a glimpse of him, but she was in a complex frame of mind and dared not look closely. Now that they were standing face to face, seeing that frail figure and hearing that strange voice, she felt a sudden chill in her heart and a tautness in her throat, and couldn’t speak for a very long while.

“Mother, are you feeling unwell?” Surprised by her reaction, he gently supported Concubine Jing by her arm.

Concubine Jing smiled with difficulty and steadied herself, saying, “…..Mister Su must be tired from the entire journey. Please sit down.”

Mei Changsu thanked her and sat down on the guest’s seat. Concubine Jing was a little calmer, and after ordering for tea to be served, she asked politely, “Mister Su has lived in the capital for more than a year, right? Have you gotten used to it?”

“Winter time is a little cold, but other than that, it’s not bad.”

“Is Sir afraid of the cold?”

“Yes.”

Concubine Jing turned to Prince Jing and said, “You really don’t know how to take care of others. Have you checked if there are enough hot coals in Mister Su’s tent? Camping out in the wild is much colder than the house.”

Mei Changsu smiled and said, “Thank you for niang niang’s concern. His Highness has been very thorough with his care. Everyone is reluctant to enter my tent now as they feel that it’s too hot.”

Concubine Jing shook her head and said, “These few days will not be like home. You’ll constantly have to move in and out of the tent. If the inside is too warm and the outside too cold, it’ll be easy to fall sick. It would be better to keep the inside of the tent well-ventilated to ensure a suitable temperature.”

“Niang niang is really knowledgeable in the art of healing and maintaining one’s health,” Mei Changsu raised himself slightly off his seat*, “I also have a physician at home, it’s just that he didn’t accompany me these few days. I shall make sure I keep warm. Thank you niang niang for your advice.”

*polite gesture

“Sir just came in from the wind and should not drink this tea.” Concubine Jing immediately summoned her maid and instructed her, “Go and bring the purple ginger tea.”

The maid went to carry out her instruction and soon returned with a clay teapot and a small cup. When Mei Changsu saw Concubine Jing stand up to pour the tea herself, he immediately thanked her humbly and said, “How dare I trouble niang niang? Please let this jie jie pour the tea.”

Concubine Jing smiled serenely, ordering the maid to retreat. Lifting the tea cup with both her hands, she said, “Sir, in sparing no effort to help Prince Jing, it is only appropriate for me to offer you a cup of tea to honour you.” Having said this, she passed the cup to him, but the cup slipped unexpectedly, rolling down, its contents splashing onto Mei Changsu’s sleeves.

“Oh no! Sir, did you get burnt?” Concubine Jing hurriedly reached for a cloth to wipe the tea off him. Prince Jing also hurried over.

Mei Changsu understood Concubine Jing’s intentions. In his heart, he knew that it would be hopeless, so he did not try to evade it, letting her seize that opportunity to roll his sleeves up.

When Concubine Jing saw that his arm was smooth, with no scar in sight, she had the same expression as Princess Nihuang, except that her reaction was more understated. All she did was take a step back in a daze, nothing more.

“Su mou is not hurt. Niang niang doesn’t need to worry.” Mei Changsu looked away and said this in a soft voice.

Prince Jing helped his mother back to her seat, looking a little bewildered. He wanted to ask but he wasn’t sure what to ask, and after a moment’s hesitation, he said, “Mother, you seem to be tired today. Why don’t you take a rest, and Mister Su and I will return another day?”

Concubine Jing seemed lost in thought and did not seem to have heard her son. After a moment of silence, she suddenly said to Mei Changsu, “I really liked your book, “Xiangdi’s Travel Notes”. It mentioned a waterfall in Tuzhou. Seeing Sir’s annotation, you must have been there before?”

“Yes.”

“According to the book, this waterfall flows straight down with a force that is magnificent. I regret that I’m unable to see it in person. But I can never seem to remember, which Tuzhou county is this waterfull in?”

Mei Changsu’s gaze wavered slightly, his lips tightened. Tuzhou Qinying Prefecture. A very simple answer, but it was actually his deceased mother’s maiden name. Although he understood why Concubine Jing asked this question, he still couldn’t speak it calmly, and so after a moment’s hesitation, he had no choice but to shake his head and say, “Su mou doesn’t remember either.”

Concubine Jing stared at him quietly. For some reason, her eyes became clear yet at the same time laden with grief. Looking at his mother, Prince Jing felt a little uneasy and asked her, “Mother, do you really want to see this waterfall? Your son still remembers, that place is…..”

“No need,” Concubine Jing quickly cut him off, “I was just asking. How could I leave the palace?”

“Niang niang’s status is too precious now, and so cannot travel at will. She can only be aggrieved and leave it as regret.” Mei Changsu lowered his eyes as he said this.

“Status is too precious….” Concubine Jing smiled dejectedly, her expression bleak, “Let’s not speak about this. Sir, you seem to be out of breath and your complexion is pale. Your illness must have lingered for a long time. What medicine do you usually take?

“It’s a sort of restorative tonic. I don’t know much so I just listen to my physician.”

“I still have some medical knowledge. If Sir doesn’t mind, allow me to feel your pulse?”

Since she said this in front of Prince Jing, of course Mei Changsu could not mind. On the contrary, Prince Jing was the one who said, “Mother, Mister Su already has a famous doctor tending to him. You don’t need to…..”

“I’m merely feeling his pulse, not treating him with acupuncture or medicine. Why so serious?” Concubine Jing smiled gently. “Don’t you know all doctors like to broaden their experience through more medical cases?”

Prince Jing knew that even though his mother had a gentle nature, once she had her mind set on something, it was difficult to change it so he had no choice but to get up as she moved her seat to Mei Changsu’s side and then went to fetch a small pillow bag.

Mei Changsu squeezed his arms tight within his sleeves. He was very well aware of his own physical condition, but he didn’t know how far Concubine Jing had progressed in her medical knowledge. Naturally that also meant that he wasn’t sure if his secret could be kept once he stretched out his hand.

But at that moment, he had no choice. Concubine Jing’s deep and sorrowful eyes also made it difficult for him to refuse. Which is why in the end he slowly extended his left wrist and put it on the pillow bag.

Concubine Jing calmly adjusted her breathing and slowly pressed two fingers on Mei Changsu’s pulse, her eyes lowered. She remained like this for a very long time before she slowly loosened her fingers.

Prince Jing bent forward, just about to enquire about his condition, but who would have thought that one look would make him turn pale with fright. After Concubine Jing retracted her hand, he saw her covering her lips with the back of her wrist, her long eyelashes fluttering, drops of tears falling down like pearls, unable to hold them back. Xiao Jingyan hadn’t seen his unassuming and quiet mother cry like that in many years, and he was greatly alarmed. He immediately knelt down and asked anxiously, “Mother, what’s wrong? If there is something you are unhappy about, please instruct your son. I will do my best to take care of it……”

Concubine Jing took a deep breath but she still couldn’t stop sobbing. The more composed and cautious one was in ordinary times, the more difficult it was to suppress emotions once they broke through. She put her hands on her son’s shoulders, leaning on him. No matter what he asked, she only shed more tears and shook her head. After weeping for period of time, she said softly, “Jing….Jingyan, today…..have you paid your respects to your father?”

She wept so much yet spoke such words. Prince Jing was stunned for a moment. “I was with Father Emperor….I was with him this morning…..”

“What about this afternoon?”

“Not yet.”

“Then….you should go pay your respects to your father…..”

Prince Jing was dumbfounded and said, “Isn’t Father Emperor having a nap?”

“Even if he’s taking a nap, you should still go,” Concubine Jing stammered, “At least wait, wait for him to wake up. If his attendant says…..you dropped by, he will….definitely be happy…..”

In a daze, Xiao Jingyan looked at his mother for a long time. Suddenly understanding her intentions, he turned to look at Mei Changsu, and saw that the advisor had already stood up and moved quietly to one side, looking as if he was wearing a mask, his face revealing nothing.

“Go, quickly, go….” Concubine Jing patted her son’s chest, slowly but firmly pushing him out. But after he left, she didn’t immediately speak to Mei Changsu, but dropped onto her chair, still wet with tears. Mei Changsu gazed helplessly at her for a moment and finally, heaving a long quiet sigh, he stepped forward, crouched before her and removed a soft handkerchief from his sleeve to wipe her tears, saying softly, “Niang niang, please stop crying. What good will crying do?”

“I know….it’s just that I’ve endured it all these years and I suddenly couldn’t bear it anymore….” Concubine Jing tried her best to calm herself, pulling Mei Changsu up to sit by her side. She gazed at him for a while with teary eyes then bowed her head again, taking hold of the handkerchief to dab her eyes.

“I’m fine now,” Mei Changsu softly comforted her, “Just a little more ill than the ordinary person, and it doesn’t really bother me.”

Choking with emotions, Concubine Jing said, “The poison of the bitter flame is the world’s most poisonous. Isn’t it far more than just removing a layer of skin to clear it out? The doctor who took the poison out, did he say anything?”

“He said…..I have a good constitution. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“How could it be alright? After clearing out the poison by rearranging the bones and peeling off the skin, the most important thing is full recuperation.” Concubine Jing grabbed hold of Mei Changsu’s hand and said earnestly, “Don’t worry about Jingyan anymore. Take good care of yourself. I will manage things in the capital. Trust me, I will succeed…..”

Mei Changsu looked back at her warmly but resolutely and slowly shook his head, “It won’t work. The inside of the palace is different from the outside….I have come this far, overcome so many roadblocks. Niang niang, are you also going to block my way?”

Concubine Jing felt as if a knife had stabbed her heart, and her tears overflowed, gushing out continuously, as if more than ten years of suppressed emotions had chosen that very moment to burst forth.

“If you want to help me, you mustn’t say anything to Jingyan,” Mei Changsu’s eyes were also gradually turning red, but the corners of his lips still held a faint smile, “Jingyan is very good. I’m not as tired as you think. Don’t worry yourself. I know my limits….In future, you should continue making hazelnut pastries for Jingyan. Even if he isn’t careful and gives me the wrong set, I won’t be confused and eat it carelessly.”

“Xiao Shu…..Xiao Shu…..” Concubine Jing murmured this name aloud, gently caressing Mei Changsu’s face, “You used to look so much like your father last time….”

“Niang niang, let’s not talk about this anymore,” Mei Changsu continued to wipe away her tears, “Now is not the time. You’ll help me, won’t you?”

Concubine Jing gazed at him through a blur of tears for a long time. She finally closed her eyes and with great heaviness, nodded her head.

Seeing her promise, Mei Changsu’s lips revealed a faint smile, obviously relieved yet at the same time sorrowful. Concubine Jing couldn’t bear to look at him and lowered her head, burying her face in the handkerchief.

“Niang niang,” Mei Changsu slowly stood up, saying gently, “It’s late. I should leave. Will you be alright on your own?”

Concubine Jing took a deep breath, did her best to wipe dry the tears on her face and lift her head, “Don’t worry about Jingyan. I know what to do.”

Mei Changsu nodded and stepped back, knelt down and bowed deeply with respect, then composing himself, he turned around, drew the curtain and left without looking back.

It was noon, faint warmth of the last of the winter sun could be felt outside the tent, but the air was still cold. Xiao Jingyan was standing quietly beneath the porch of the imperial tent with his arms clasped behind his back, completely motionless as if he had frozen over.

Hearing the sound of footsteps behind him, Prince Jing immediately turned his head, his eyes piercing as he asked in a low but forceful voice, “Mother had me leave. What did you both talk about?”

Afterthought:

I felt the drama pulled off this scene better, perhaps because of the intimacy created by MCS calling Concubine Jing “Jing Yee” or “Aunt Jing”. But what came across to me better than the drama was XJY’s internal conflict. I felt so so so so so very very sorry for him. Imagine, even his mother sidelined him! As readers, of course we know the reason, but he didn’t!

Though, there were so many clues for XJY. At this point, I wondered if Hai Yan really had to make him out to be so dense in this aspect, but I realized too that when you want something really badly to be true, there will always be internal conflict, an inner voice that keeps telling you that it can’t be true, always blindsiding us. So maybe that’s why no matter how many clues were dropped, XJY just couldn’t see it. Still, I can’t help but feel very sorry for him.