Nirvana In Fire

The two sisters’ discussion had come to an end, and so they paid for their tea and got up, preparing to go their separate ways.  At this moment, the gate to the Su Manor opened and a small palanquin covered in plain white cloth was carried out.  Qin Banruo recognized this as the palanquin Mei Changsu used often when he went out, and she immediately slipped out of the tea shop and began following it from a distance.  Fourth Sister was by nature quiet and did not like to involve herself in matters that had nothing to do with her, and so, as Qin Banruo had not called for her to follow, she too left the tea shop and vanished silently into the streets.

Qin Banruo had initially thought that Mei Changsu had left by the back gate of his manor because he was on some covert mission and was trying to hide his tracks, but after following his palanquin for two entire streets, she was forced to admit that, in fact, he had left by the back gate simply because it was closer to the South Gates of the city, and made for a more direct route.

Outside the South Gates, the crowds were much thinner than they had been in the city. Qin Banruo was on the one hand rather tired, and on the other not a formidable martial artist, and so she dared not continue her tracking, but stopped and watched as the palanquin disappeared into the distance.

Qin Banruo could not have known that Mei Changsu would not go far.  In fact, his little procession only ventured about two miles down the road south of the city before stopping at a pavilion at the top of a small hill.  Mei Changsu emerged from the palanquin and entered the pavilion, sitting down on one of its stone stools to idly flip through a scroll he had brought with him, while his guards settled themselves outside with wine and tea.

Around an hour later, a plume of dust arose from the direction of the city.  Li Gang, standing guard nearby, was the first to notice, and called out softly, “Chief.”  Mei Changsu rolled up his scroll and stood to peer into the distance, where he could just make out two figures in horseback riding towards them, one in front of the other.

Li Gang’s vision was a little better, and so while Mei Changsu was still trying to see if these were indeed the people he was waiting for, Li Gang had already recognized them, and said lowly, “Chief, it’s them.”

Mei Changsu nodded and did not speak, but Li Gang understood his intention, and was already leaving the pavilion to stand by the side of the road.  The two riders came closer and closer, but they did not seem to have noticed Li Gang.  He was just about to wave to attract their attention when suddenly, the rider in front swung his horse around for no apparent reason and stared back in the direction he had come from.

But the reason behind his action quickly became apparent.  Out of the cloud of dust galloped a third rider, who cried out as he raced towards them, “Jingrui! Jingrui, wait!”

The rider beside Jingrui seemed agitated, and cried out herself, “Dage, dage, let’s go, quick!”

Xiao Jingrui lifted his left hand and gestured placatingly at her, and not only refused to continue, but swung down off his horse.

“Dage!” Yuwen Nian’s voice was trembling.

“Nian nian,” Xiao Jingrui smiled at her sadly.  “My friend is calling for me, and I have heard him, how can I ignore him?”

“But…you promised….”

“Don’t worry, I promised you I would go back with you to visit him, and I will keep my word.  But we are not running for our lives, and my friend has come to see us on our way, so what are you afraid of?”

By this time, Yujin had arrived before them, his hair and clothes covered with dust, entirely bereft of their usual grace and elegance.  He leapt off his horse and rushed over to Jingrui, grabbing his arm. “Jingrui, where are you going?”

Xiao Jingrui answered bluntly, “To Ying, capitol of Da Chu.”

“Jingrui!”

“Nian nian received a letter, her father is gravely ill and wishes…wishes to see me…. My mother has given her permission and so, by rights, I ought to go pay him a visit.”

Yan Yujin had originally come with the intention of forcing him to stay, but after hearing this, he found there was nothing he could say.  The hand grasping Xiao Jingrui’s arm loosened, and after a long moment, he couldn’t help himself and asked, “Then, will you ever come back?”

Xiao Jingrui lowered his eyes. “Mother is still here, how could I never return?”

Though his tone were indifferent, Yan Yujin felt a pain deep in his heart on hearing these words.  And yet, Xiao Jingrui himself was keeping his calm, and it would not do for him to be the one to become emotional, and so he hurriedly bit his lip and controlled himself, and a long moment passed before he was able to say, “Jingrui, ever since that day, I have been wanting to find you for a good long talk, but the time was never right.  Jingrui, there are some things you really must not take too much to heart.  After all, they are in the past now, and are the grievances of the previous generation, and have nothing to do with you at all….”

“Alright, Yujin,” Xiao Jingrui cut him off gently. “You don’t need to continue, I understand what you mean.  But…no matter what, you cannot say they have nothing to do with me.  My father, my mother, my brothers and sisters – these are ties that cannot be broken, not to mention all those years of affection, and the gratitude and loyalty I bear for everything they have done for me….  None of this can be so easily torn away by some truth that has been revealed….

“Jingrui…”

“I know you want me to not take all of this to heart so much, and you wish that I could be the Xiao Jingrui of the past.  But, Yujin, this I truly cannot do.  To me, in the space of a single night, everything I had ever known was overturned, and so, if all of that has changed, then how can I not change as well?  And so, whether I will it or not, Xiao Jingrui is no longer the Xiao Jingrui of the past, and has not been for some time, and in this respect, I fear I can only disappoint you.”

Yan Yujin took a deep breath, and then stepped forward, grasping Xiao Jingrui’s shoulder with both hands and shaking it slightly as he said, slowly and clearly, “That’s right, I do indeed wish you could be the you of the past.  But as you cannot do so, then it is of no matter.  We have grown up together since we were small, and you have changed anyway, from that short round little boy into a tall and handsome man, from being so quiet and unwilling to speak into someone who joins Xie Bi in making fun of me.  I do not mind your continuing to change, since no matter how you change, you are still my friend, unparalleled and second to none, and the friendship between the two of us will never change!  So listen to me and listen well, no matter where you go, you must remember me, this friend of yours, because if you dare to forget, I will never forgive you, do you hear me?”

By the time he finished, his voice was a little hoarse, and his eyes ringed in red.  The hands gripping Xiao Jingrui’s shoulder were clenched so tight that his fingertips were beginning to hurt.  His little speech had not been long, but no one could doubt the depth of its sincerity, and its honest, raw warmth.  Xiao Jingrui lowered his head, his eyes wet.  Even Yuwen Nian, who stood to one side listening, could not help turning her head to one side and subtly wiping the corner of her eyes with a finger.

“Alright, now you may go wherever you like then.  You have always wandered all over the place in the past anyway, it is only that Da Chu is a little far, so you must take care.”  Yan Yujin inhaled through his nose and took a step back.  “Whether you have news or not, remember to write to me.”

Xiao Jingrui made a soft noise of affirmation and lifted his head.  The two held each other’s gazes for a long moment, and then smiled tremulously at one another.  But beneath the smiles, they could both see the deep grief that could be neither concealed nor diluted.

Because the two young men knew in their hearts that, with this parting, they did not know when they would meet again.

Once the mourning period for the Grand Empress Dowager passed, even Grand Princess Liyang would return to her hometown, and then, even if Xiao Jingrui were to return to Da Liang, he would likely never step foot again in the capitol.

The two of them had grown up together, had been born of similar backgrounds, and were close in age and alike in disposition, and so they had expected to remain close friends as they accompanied each other down the paths of their lives, which would surely run parallel to each other, sharing milestones and trajectories.  Who could have imagined that a single night could rent them so far apart that their roads now may as well be on opposite ends of the world?

Even someone as cheerful as Yan Yujin could not suppress the helplessness that welled up in his heart.

“Dage, should we go?”  Yuwen Nian walked over, her eyes red, and tugged at her elder brother’s sleeve.

Xiao Jingrui and Yan Yujin raised their arms at the same time and embraced each other tightly.

“Go on then, I’ll watch you ride off.  You must take care on the….”  Yan Yujin’s parting words, spoken with a forced smile, abruptly came to a halt, and his gaze fixed on something behind Xiao Jingrui, his expression strange.

Xiao Jingrui immediately turned to look behind him and saw Li Gang standing by the road about thirty yards away, his back ramrod straight, and when he saw them notice him, he raised a finger and pointed to the small hill beside the road.

In fact, before Li Gang’s finger had even lifted, Xiao Jingrui already knew whom it was he would see, and so, in that first moment, he hesitated, but after a brief pause, he calmly raised his eyes.

In the pavilion at the top of the small hill stood Mei Changsu, leaning on a rail, his robes blowing gently in the wind.  Although it was impossible to see his subtle expressions from this distance, his stance made it clear that he was here purposefully awaiting Xiao Jingrui.

“Jingrui….”  Yan Yujin sounded worried.

Xiao Jingrui gathered his composure and then answered indifferently, “He has likely come to see me on my way.  I will go over and have a few words.”

“I’ll come with….”  The words died in Yan Yujin’s throat.  Intelligent as he was, he understood that there were some heartaches that one had to face alone, without help or interference from any bystander, and so he backed away a few steps and did not speak again.

Yuwen Nian did not know of the friendship that once existed between Xiao Jingrui and Mei Changsu, and so she did not understand what was happening.  She stepped forward, about to ask, but was stopped by Yan Yujin, who grabbed her and pulled her back.

By this time, Xiao Jingrui was already striding swiftly towards the pavilion, his face pale, but his stance and steps perfectly steady.

“Please sit.”  Mei Changsu gave a small smile, then lifted the silver pot on the table and filled a cup, pushing it over.  “The road you must travel is long, let me lift a cup in toast to a safe and peaceful journey.”

Xiao Jingrui accepted the cup, drained it, wiped at the corner of his mouth and replaced the cup on the table, then lifted both hands in a courtesy.  “I thank Mister Su for coming to see me on my journey.  The time has come for me to take my leave.”

Mei Changsu watched as the young man turned and left, and it was not until he had walked to the edge of the pavilion that he asked softly, “Jingrui, why do you not hate me?”

Xiao Jingrui’s figure halted, froze for a moment, and then he turned and looked straight at Mei Changsu.  “What could I hate you for?  You did not create my mother’s past.  You did not arrange the circumstances of my birth.  The unjust deeds of Mar-… Marquis Xie were his own doing, and were not schemed or designed by you….  You and I both understand, what caused me unmeasurable pain was the truth itself, and not the hands that uncovered it.  The events of the past have no relation to you, and I would not be so absurd as to cast my anger on you, and hold you responsible for wrongs that were committed by other people.”

“But I had the power to keep the truth concealed, and instead I let it erupt, and erupt with such ferocity.  I did so without the slightest regard for your feelings, and without regard for the friendship between us.  For this, you must bear some anger, no?”

Xiao Jingrui shook his head and smiled sadly.  “To tell you the truth, I was once very upset by what you did.  But I am no longer an arrogant child, and I understand that there are choices each of us must face.  You chose what you believed to be important, and gave me up.  This was only a decision you made, nothing more.  I cannot hate you because you did not choose me, especially since……you had no responsibility or obligation to prioritize me, and although this was something I once hoped for, in the end, it is not something I can demand.”

“It is true that I did not have to prioritize you, but ever since we met, you have always treated me with the utmost sincerity, and in this regard, I owe you.”

“I was sincere towards you because I wished to be.  If I could gain something by that sincerity, certainly I would be glad, but if I cannot, then neither do I bear any regrets.”

There was sorrow in Mei Changsu’s eyes, but he still bore a small smile on his face.  “Though you bear no regrets, the friendship between you and me is no more, and we cannot be friends again.”

Xiao Jingrui lowered his head silently.  Ever since the two had met, he had always admired Mei Changsu’s talent, looking up to him as a teacher and friend, and had taken great care to preserve their friendship.  He had never imagined that, step by step, they would journey to a point where they could no longer call each other friend.

In fact, aside from a little heartache, there was not any true enmity between them.  But after everything he had experienced, Xiao Jingrui finally felt the truth of the words Yan Yujin had spoken so long ago – that he and Mei Changsu simply were not of the same world, and the inequality between them was so great that there could be no grounds for a true friendship.

To bear neither hatred nor anger towards one another was already the best ending they could have hoped for.

Perhaps, in the future, growth might bring about change.  Perhaps, in the future, there could be encounters as yet unimaginable.  But, for the present at least, just as Mei Changsu had said, they could no longer be friends….

“Jingrui,” Mei Changsu stepped forward, gazing warmly into the young man’s eyes.  “You are the most forgiving child I have ever known.  The Heavens have granted you such gentleness and kindness, and such a disposition for forgetting hatred, perhaps to offset the pain and suffering you must experience.  I truly hope with all my heart that, in the future, you can preserve this sincere and earnest heart of yours, and that you may find peace and fortune, because it is what you deserve….”

“Many thanks.”  Xiao Jingrui took a deep breath, and then blew it out again slowly.  There was much in his heart he wished to say, but when the words rose to his lips, he found that they were useless, and so he merely composed himself, and then turned and quickly left the pavilion.

Yuwen Nian and Yan Yujin were waiting for him at the bottom of the hill, and the three only exchanged a few simple words of parting before Xiao Jingrui and his sister mounted their horses and rode off towards the south.  Yan Yujin watched until their figures disappeared into the distance, his face sad, then turned and looked up at the pavilion again.  He hesitated, and then decided to go over to pay his greetings.

But this was a poor circumstance for small talk, and the two were not in such a mood in any case, and so after a few polite words, Yan Yujin took his leave and rode back towards the city.

“Chief, the wind is fierce here, shall we return as well?”  Li Gang asked lowly, gathering up the wine pot and cups as he spoke.

Mei Changsu nodded his assent and got up slowly to leave the pavilion.  Just before he entered his palanquin, he turned and looked in the direction Xiao Jingrui had gone, standing still for a long moment, as if in deep thought.

“Chief? Chief?”

Mei Changsu’s long thin brows furrowed and he sighed. “Da Chu is not without danger….  Pass on my orders to send Zhu Xi over, and have him look after them in any way he can.”

Hai Yan’s Notes: Jingrui can take a temporary rest. Readers who love him – say goodbye for now, and in a little while, Hai Yan jiejie will go and bring him back ~~~

Translator’s Notes:

This chapter broke me.  Why can’t they just cry.  I want to cry.

#letmysunshineboyscry2k19