Newly Broke Heroine! [Book One Complete, Cozy Fantasy Adventure]

Fiona refused to believe this was the guy she'd done a one-off date with. This seemed too absurd to be true. "I'm sorry, who are you again, mister 'villain with a future chain gang in the Fiefdalian central penitentiary'?"

The man stared at them, jaw slack, which was a strange juxtaposition with everyone bearing their weapons and spells primed and at the ready. "Do you seriously not recognize me?" he called out, looking bewildered.

"Buddy, you have no idea how damn old that phrase is getting lately. Fellas, you all need to put your weapons down, because it seems you all went straight for the fight button on your action menus," Fiona declared.

"Fiona, that's Theo," Greg pointed out.

She squinted at the dark-haired man, surrounded by other armed men. "Nah, he was a little more square-jawed. And had a pointier nose."

"Fiona, that's Theo," Doug snapped. "Did you take a hit to the head when you were in the foundry? Oh, wait, I checked that out. This is a far worse affliction."

Could they not see this was clearly not Theo? There was something off about him. "I'm just saying, very specifically, that's not Theo. This guy is the evil twin of Theo. Because the guy I knew was adorkably cute, a little anxious, but a lot of fun! This guy is a Discount Devil who sells cursed items. And steals gold! Billions of coins of gold! And throws it down a–wait, why were you tossing gold into a giant hole in the world?" she asked.

"You're not even going to address that your former one-date associate is running a wretched hive of scum and villainy?" Doug retorted with a throaty growl.

"I would, but that would mean my taste in women, and men, kinda sucks." She glared at Theo. "What the hell, by the way? I know you're not Theo. Dumping this crap on his desk is pretty low. I know who you aren't. But who are you?"

"Are you seriously making a bit out of this?" Theo asked, exasperated at her response. "We went on a date. You called out a bunch of fake gold. We have a lovely meeting with the crime boss of Fiefdala. We never went on our second date."

[Masked.]

Yeah, tell me about it! Theo could barely string a sentence together! This guy is like…a carbon clone or something, pretending to be him! But how did the original Theo cross paths with me?

She could keep stalling for time. Or, figure out what she was missing. "You are so not Theo. The guy I knew couldn't possibly run a multi-prong effort to bankrupt Fiefdala."

"Fiona. It's me. Darla set us up on a date. Not that she knew my nightly job, but still! It was a great facade." Theo's expression had turned sour. "Who would figure that the fraudster expert is the biggest fraud of all? Too bad you sniffed out the frauds for the coins. I knew that would be a problem, sooner or later."

"Wait. Hang on. You made the fake coins?" She was just stalling for time, glancing at the massive pile of gold ingots nearby, and flexed her hand gently, pretending to grip her weapon tightly. In reality, she was seeing if she could map this weird gold telekinesis to the ingots.

She heard one shake gently, metal-to-metal. One of the armored guards let out a sound of surprise at the noise and turned to investigate. She dropped her focus, and the jingling sound stopped. The man looked puzzled when he saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Okay, Wingding? We have the added difficulty of knocking these guys all out of commission, without turning them into greasy smears. Blunt force brick?

Flap.

[Theo gets two bricks.]

Fiona tried not to grin at this encouragement. Theo continued uninterrupted.

"Yes, I made the fakes. Part of the job I did with Karlin, no thanks to your efforts. You stirred the pot once I found out you two crossed paths. And Lockheed senior had me tailed as soon as we departed, probably because he didn't buy my story. I guess it takes a crook to know a crook, huh?" He leered at Greg, who had his notebook thumbed open, his other hand held in the air. Theo sighed and glanced at her friends. "You know what, this is boring. You'll all be dead in a minute, anyway."

"No, spill more deets! I must hear the dastardly plot! The rule of villainy is to boast and gloat about how smart you are, because good is dumb!" Fiona said with a grin. "Also, I hate to break it to you, Theo, but I don't date criminals. That second date ain't happening now."

He bristled at that, and gave her a dismissive wave. "You pointy-eared ditz, dating you was never the plan! I was testing the waters for people who could sniff out fake gold, and given your self-styled title as the Merchant of Fortune, I figured you were the best person to try to pass off the fakes. I didn't think you'd succeed, though. Plus, you rendered about two million worth of those coins slated for a swap and ruined it. So that was an expensive mistake.

"So, Darla setting me up on a date, that was…"

"Coincidence. Sort of. I frequented that coffee shop because half the royal family frequents that shop incognito, along with other high-up officials in the treasury–" Fiona let out a sigh of relief internally–for a second, she thought Darla had been part of the effort. She'd even wanted to tag along, but Fiona cautioned they needed more combat-savvy individuals for this.

That said, if Darla had come along to witness this spectacle, Theo would be carved into bits by one very angry Darkling.

Fiona still didn't buy it. Something was off about how this all lined up too well. Something about Theo rang false. The agitation in his voice was nonexistent before, his speech pattern was too confident. Too smug. What did her voice remind her of?

Definitely Not Barry. Barry was too clueless to be a proper villain–

A thought clicked. Something about this seems familiar. Too uncanny. Almost like Varith! Could it be Theo was also someone else in disguise?

"Theo, hey, we've got a problem. An automaton is approaching at breakneck speed to the mine entrance," one mercenary whispered, interrupting Theo's rant. "I think we're made."

Theo eyed the unwelcome news bearer with disgust. "Get that last pallet of bricks down the hole. We'll scuttle the mine and leave no trace, and our contacts below will take the gold. As for this group–"

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Fiona wagged a finger and made a scolding tsk sound. She needed to get to the bottom of this. "Oh no, Theo, this is not going to go how you think it should. You know how I deal with my rivals?"

Greg winced and let out a frustrated grumble. "Please don't tell me this is how you're going to hire a much-needed cashier for our store."

Doug let out a gruff laugh. "Yep. She turns her rivals and adversaries into her new bestest friends. She kills us with kindness. It's a fate almost worse than death. Theo, you should just run. You won't win this."

Theo tilted his head to the side and frowned. "Come again?"

"How do you think I got roped into this?" Doug grinned, drawing all the attention on him.

Fiona used this distraction to test her telekinesis a second time, putting more energy into the effort. A few more bricks vibrated while she subtly pushed her telekinesis over the charged gold. Was it her imagination, or was that voiceless whisper getting louder when she did that?

Meanwhile, Doug continued, pointing a clawed thumb at himself. "Take it from me, Theo, I never thought I'd be in this position, but here I am. Selling my stuff. That was stolen. And I'm doing it with a grin, so I can put egg on the face of that incompetent, cautionary tale against hereditary leadership."

"I think we just call that being a king," Jake quipped, glancing at Fiona out of the corner of her eye. She gave a subtle nod and gave the gold a third test.

The jangling sound of the gold was audible now, and the guard next to it jumped backward, looking panicked. "Theo, the gold's pissed! It doesn't like being tossed in the hole!"

"Gold doesn't get pissed!" Theo shouted out, pointing at him angrily. Then he pointed at Doug. "You know what? You're the worst of this group of misfits, by far. You have let your brother beat you with an uncomfortable truth, your mother's dead because of you. And yet, you keep limping on. It's so pathetic."

Then, he turned to Fiona. "And you. You got a lifeboat out of a dying world, and this is what you've done with your time? What a pathetic waste!"

Now that she had a plan, she gave him a dismissive wave. "You know what, Theo? I'll cut you a break. Surrender. Right now. Or I'm going to have to hurt you."

He looked around, as if expecting an ambush on his ambush party. The rest of his men all did the same. "You mean you wish to surrender to me? Sure thing, if your corpses are the terms of your unconditional surrender."

"Man, I liked the socially awkward Theo a lot more. What'd you do with that guy?" Fiona pondered. "No, dipshit, I want your surrender. I'm trying to be nice."

Theo finally hit his patience limit, and nodded to his men. "Okay, I've heard enough. Kill them, dump their bodies in that giant pit, and clean up anyone who comes through. Scuttle the place before–"

Fiona got impatient with this guy, who had no clue who he was up against. "Okay, i have one question, before we get to hammer time! Who are you really, Theo? Asking now, before I have to pull that ugly mask off your face like you're a Saturday morning cartoon character, ranting about meddlesome kids!"

"And if he's not wearing a mask?" Bonnie grinned.

"Oh, then I just pull his face off. Because that works, too."

This statement unnerved the mercenaries just a little, and a few glanced at each other, looking wary. Theo just sighed.

"Okay, kill the ginger first, before–"

Fiona didn't bother waiting for him to keep stroking his ego, as the first brick of gold flew in an arc and hit one man in the side of his helmet with a giant clang. He keeled over like a sack of tubers, and everyone spun to look.

The rest of her team took the cue to rush into combat with the distraction. Greg lashed out with coils of notebook paper that bound the legs of the closest foes, tripping them and sending them sprawling.

Bonnie's response was to fling her hat like it was a Frisbee. Green and red sparks flew, and it ricocheted off three men, zapping them with a current of green energy that knocked them out of commission, and followed up with her wand blazing, sending some reeling from silvery blasts of force.

Jake melted into the shadows, much to the shock of the men closest to him. He reappeared a few seconds later, cracking two of their heads together, before punting the third with a well-placed kick and sending the others tangling. He wasted no time closing the gap, throwing men into the increasingly large pile of minimum wage mercenaries who didn't have fighting as a strong suite.

Doug led with fire. Because, of course, he would, and blasted one of the arcane lights illuminating the area out of commission. He cackled at them as he flitted about in the dark, while they fired blindly upwards, now in a panic mode. Little balls of fire rained down intermittently while he dodged around, taking care to destroy any illumination sources in the room.

Fiona would have commented, he fought better as a kobold than he did as a dragon.

Vick…Well, strangely, this was something Vick was good at, and fired off his magical crossbow, with sharp bright lights of projectiles streaming through the air, leaving a vapor trail of purple sparks that sputtered in the air before coming to a rest. He moved with incredible grace, dodging incoming fire rays and other strange magic that looked like wooden darts.

And Fiona?

She brawled. Her mighty hammer lifted the foes into the air with mighty clangs of the weapon against armor, sending them reeling and soaring through the air, screaming in terror–or pain, it was a little hard to tell in the chaos. She was a storm of fury that left no foe standing with mighty sweeps, and bracing against counterattacks with her shield of the heart, feeling the deadly ping of crossbow bolts and acidic rays that threatened more than just ruining her hair.

And the gold bricks got their role, as she mentally flicked more of them from the stack of aurelium-charged gold, striking numerous foes, while they looked around in panic. "We're taking fire from everywhere? Where's this other team of hers?" one screamed.

"The gold's cursed! The sarge is down, man, let's book!" another let out in a panic, fleeing for the exit tunnel. Fiona fired off one more gold brick in his way, hitting him squarely in the back, and was followed by several other bricks that pinned him to the ground, where he feebly tried to push the cumbersome weight off.

"Why is no one shooting her?!" Theo screamed, stumbling backward away from the melee. "Swiftheart, why couldn't you have been content to run your damn store, make some money, and stay out of everyone's business?"

"Let me think. Oh, right! Scheming kings and blonde bimbos conspiring to destabilize my city! My friends and I were robbed by one king, I wasn't letting anyone else take a turn at making our lives not fun!" She beamed and waited for two men to line up before she smashed one into the other with a mighty swing, sending them crashing into a stack of empty pallets. She then pointed menacingly at Theo. "And you, Evil Barbie, don't fool me."

"Pretty sure that's still Theo!" Greg interjected, ducking behind a mighty blow of a man twice his weight, and landing several jabs that staggered the man, before using a roundhouse that sent the man sprawling to the cavern floor. "So uncivilized." But he was grinning as he said it, she noted.

Bonnie threw alchemical binders that stuck the remaining offenders in place and bound their limbs. Meanwhile, Fiona advanced on Theo, while his men went down for the count. He didn't look nearly as confident as two minutes ago. "You, Blondie, are the biggest shoplifter of all, trying to steal the heart and soul of my passions! My store, my employees, my friends! The punishment? Well, it's worse than you can imagine! A job in retail!"

"Who do you think I am?" Theo twitched, grabbing a wand from his vest,. "Do you have the first clue?!"

"Glados, of course!" she cackled. "Listen, Barbie, you're not fooling anyone–"

A blast of violet energy hit her so forcefully that not even the shield of her heart could fully protect her, and she slammed into a cargo container, denting it from the impact. She let out an exhale of pain, as everyone whirled around to see what happened.

Fiona's armor was smoking from the impact, and the aurelium was almost whimpering. She shook off the pain and staggered back upright, weapon ready, eyes focused on Theo, who wore a panicked look, and whirled around to see where the shot came from. A new figure emerged from the shadows, and Theo looked terrified–as he should be.

"Oh, snap–uh, hi. I believe you were looking to settle a score with the ginger? Well, here she is!"

A pair of grey-blue eyes leered at him from the dark. "I don't like manipulators. You destroyed an opportunity that can't be used again."

The shadowy figure advanced, energy crackling as he zapped Theo. The poor man was flung to the cavern side, bound by violet coils of energy that pinned him to the rocky surface. But Fiona's focus was on the foe before her, a curved blade in his hand, and a crackle of violet energy coursing along his arm.

Fiona tightened her grip on her weapon as Varith emerged from the smoky aftermath of his appearance, regarding her with scorn. "Swiftheart. You just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?"