Newly Broke Heroine! [Book One Complete, Cozy Fantasy Adventure]

One week earlier…

Fiona had had a lot of bad ideas in her time, but this was the dumbest one to date. I would rather be at home, cozying up on the couch with Tucker, reading a book, than dealing with this. Ugh. I can remember a time when all I wanted to do was run a shop. Would it kill me to do something simple for once?

Or cozying up with Doug. She tried not to let the thought distract her, but her she felt a tingle in her cheeks all the same, thinking of it.

Currently, she was perched on a precarious ledge on the top of the Fiefdalian penitentiary, just above the reserve area for VIP prisoners, listening intently to the discussion inside. Bonnie, with her attentive ears, was also listening in with a specialized listening device.

And, they were dressed like ninjas. Bonnie had asked her if this was how they did Ninja Warrior back on Earth, and Fiona sarcastically answered that this was, indeed, how it should have been done.

Except for the part where they might be breaking several laws of Fiefdala, on a hunch.

"Bonnie, got anything?" Fiona whispered. If they stood still for long enough in the specialized gear, the fabric picked up the texture and color of the brickwork surrounding them, creating an optical camouflage.

It wasn't perfect, but if it worked for an old man running across a battlefield fighting mechs and private armies, then it could work in a fantasypunk town.

Bonnie put her ear to the wall, listening intently, and tapped a clawed finger on the stone, her other hand connected to a small metal cone that amplified the sound through the wall. "Nah, guards are still by Glados' door. You think Barry would be dumb enough to spring her loose?"

"Or someone could break her out," Fiona muttered. "Let's recap this, see if I've gotten this story straight so far. Karlin is searching for magical gold to revive a deceased goddess. And he's been pilfering gold from everyone across the continent, and had a hand in falsifying the logs for a couple of the biggest mines in Fiefdala."

"So it would seem," Bonnie muttered. "Sheesh. How did Doug become a patsy for this creep?"

"Still here, still being insulted by his continued existence." The irritable kobold perched on a lookout point, the red feathers on his wings fluttering in the chilly breeze blowing through the area. A few errant snowflakes flew by, and he shuddered and pulled his wings tight to keep them warmer. "Brr…I hate the cold. Are we sure this is worth a stakeout?"

"You want to be bigger again? We need this Evil Barbie to tell us how she shrunk you. How did she zap you anyway?" Fiona asked.

He sighed softly. "You're asking now? After Karlin took all the gold and hoodwinked her, she came back and took it out on me. I was a little weakened on account of the beatdown I received a few days earlier," he grumbled. "She had a crystalline core and a polymorph spell on overdrive that worked on me, after she subdued me. I don't know the details."

"And Glados' end game is to expand the Aegortin empire's influence. She sees Karlin and says, 'Hey, let's work together, we have common goals!' Except Karlin fleeced everyone. Joke's on him though. The goddess they're looking for is chilling on my wrist."

Bonnie gave her a wary look. "That's still a pretty shaky theory, based on what you two told me."

"Well, I'm either crazy, or a goddess saved me from certain death to do a bodyguard duty thing for her kid! Which I totally don't mind! I'm like an adoptive mother of a lovely nascent goddess!" Fiona puffed out her chest proudly. "This is a job I'd do for free! I'll be a soccer mom someday!"

[OMG. Don't embarrass me, Mom.] Wingding's responses had grown more complicated. And teenagery.

"If this theory pans out, I'll never be able to call you crazy again," Bonnie sighed. "How Karlin slips out of pissing off this many people while not getting absolutely bodied, is the bigger mystery for me."

"He does that," Doug muttered. "I think it's tied to his mark. I've never gotten a good read on what it does. But he's good at evading authority, and anyone who wants a piece of his scaly hide."

"Doug? Your brother has a pre-planned beatdown waiting between Fiona and me," Bonnie said, gritting her teeth. Fiona saw her eyes tracking left and right, as if listening intently. "Strange. I don't hear Jake's guys. I think only palace guards are sitting in Glados' holding area tonight."

Fiona narrowed her eyes. "Told ya. I thought it was gonna be a split. Get Jake on the relay, now."

"And tell him we're sitting on the roof of the palace, being sneaks?" Bonnie proposed, her ears flattened at that idea.

Fiona shrugged. "I've done crazier things."

Bonnie canted her ears, rolling her eyes in tandem. "If only I could believe that you were incapable of anything else crazier. This must have driven Bianca up a wall when you two were together."

"Haha, yeah, except I might have driven her actually crazy. Kind of a sore spot, Bonnie," Fiona snorted. "I'm keeping my relay on speed dial. I don't care how irrational it sounds. If it looks like Glados is gonna bust out or Barry's going to do something stupid, we hit the panic button. Jake can be pissed at us, but a shapeshifting spy on the loose is worse."

Bonnie leaned in, tapping the wall softly. "Hey, Barry showed up. They're talking."

She offered the earpiece connected by a steel cable to Fiona. She placed it next to her elongated ear and listened intently.

Barry, giving a long spiel indicating he was done with Glados.

Glados was going on a rant about how she owed everything to Aegortin. Luckily, Barry wanted nothing to do with it. And–

Her jaw dropped when she heard Barry do something he couldn't possibly be dumb enough to do, twice. "He cursed her with his mark?" Fiona whispered. She could almost feel those stinging nettles in her heart again, like the first time. Except, she knew Barry could never use the mark on her again, and he'd almost suffered an ignoble end as a result of her outsmarting him. "Wowza."

"Crap. He gave her a wardstone." Bonnie's eyes lit up with alarm. "Fi, I don't know how many shapes she can assume, but I think she can take any folk-sized species. Dragons are excluded because they're so much bigger. If we don't intercept now, she'll slip out and she'll find a way to be a nuisance down the line!"

"I told you! Evil Barbie!" Fiona grabbed the grate on the window and gave it a heave. She'd have commented that such a structural weakness should have been addressed in a prison, but then again, Fiefdala didn't have a hardened criminal problem. Usually. "Bonnie, what's she doing now?!"

"Ruminating about having a plan to bring Barry back to the negotiation table. Fi, are we doing–"

"Oh, absolutely! I didn't think Barry was this dumb. You really think Rikkard would, you know, bring back capital punishment?"

"You know if she gets put in the dirt, I could be stuck like this forever," Doug pointed out. "So, her getting killed or slipping away are two things we should avoid. Uh…what are they doing?"

Doug pointed out a cluster of prison guards approaching the wall of a courtyard, oblivious to their presence. One of them was painting something on the wall adjacent to their location. Fiona dared a peek to see them spraying what appeared to be a rapidly expanding, fast-acting foam on the wall, then one of them stuck a stick into the wad.

A sinking feeling emerged in the pit of her stomach. "Hey, my ordnance skills are a bit rusty from my army days, but…I think they're busting her out of prison with an explosive on the inner courtyard wall."

Bonnie sprang into motion, pulling out her wand. "I'm getting Glados. That witch has been a pain in my backside since my academy days," she said, helping loosen the frame of the window, and now they had a way in. "Fiona, you're with me. Doug, grab my satchel. There are glue grenades in there, go gum up those guys until we figure out who they are."

"Yes, because prison guards don't typically like putting holes in secure walls," he snorted, grabbing the satchel and running across the roof to where he could get a better angle. Meanwhile, Fiona lowered Bonnie down, where she landed on a ledge. "Wait for my signal!"

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Fiona hated the idea of her going in alone, but Bonnie was a capable mage, both in the shop and when helping with the Adventurer's Guild. All she had to do was sit tight and wait for a minute.

Waiting. The bane of her existence.

She tapped her foot anxiously, hoping something wasn't going to go wrong. Who am I kidding? Something always goes wrong with our plans.

She heard some commotion inside and leaned in to hear Bonnie cornering Glados, just out of view. "Hi Bonnie. Always a displeasure."

"Oh, is that shackle keeping your mark from working, Glados? You know, it looks like you're all out of tricks to play. Now get in the hat, or you can find out what Rikkard will have in mind for you once he's done booting Barry's backside all over the palace."

Fiona grinned as Glados protested at this. "Get in the hat?! Do I look like a cat to you? I suppose Thing One and Thing Two are already inside?"

"Get in the hat, or–"

An explosion rocked the building, and Fiona saw a plume of smoke, and every alarm in the building went off. Fiona went wide-eyed and tapped her relay. "Hey, Doug? I thought you were taking care of the jerks trying to expedite the prison renovations to add a nice sunroom? Because I heard the industrious sound of a home improvement demolition job! And not the good kind!"

It took him a second to respond, with the beat of wings and the sound of magical rays that she could see targeting him from the courtyard. "Okay, little snag. It turns out someone's mark allowed them to immolate themselves, and they burned through the glue like a fiery missile. Whoops. Also, double whoops, they may have prematurely started their fireworks. Said burninator is entrenched in a wall, and he's a little slow to rise. Meanwhile, I'm being shot at, so thanks for noticing."

"You had one job, terror lizard!" Fiona screamed angrily. "Who are these guys?"

"I can hazard a guess! I hear them talking in that little accent from Aegortin! Or that accent from your home state!"

Fiona groaned. "Is Glados that smart, or just that lucky?! Bonnie, double time it!" she bellowed down the entry. "Evil Barbie, either people are here to break you out, or they're here to kill you!"

"I'm not that important!" Glados called, and Fiona saw her wearing prison garb, with Bonnie shoving her with her wand. "Well, not really. Barry is still in the prison; maybe they're after him?"

"Ugh. They can have him, for this mess," Fiona muttered. Out of all the swirling priorities, the number one 'must-do' on the list was to punch that smug troublemaker in the face.

Later. After they broke her out of prison, to keep her from escaping. The logic for this one became increasingly less sensible.

"Bonnie, bag the witch and get up here!" She leaned down and gripped the siding of the window, while Bonnie pulled off her hat and thrust it down on Glados' head.

Fiona had seen this one before, but seeing Glados disappear like Bonnie packed her like a compression bag, almost brought a smile to her face. Bonnie grabbed the hat, tossed it in her satchel, and bounded up with a spring in her legs. With a quick catch, Fiona grabbed Bonnie's hand, hoisting her out the window.

And it didn't come a minute too soon. She heard another sharp thump and a bang. A heavy metal door was blasted down the hallway and skidded across the stone floor, followed by shouts of rage. Presumably, to either kill Glados or bring her back to Aegortin. One of the presumptive assailants looked upward when they looked upward, and started shooting fiery bolts with a gunmetal black wand.

Fiona and Bonnie were already sprinting across the roof by the time magic spells blasted their prior position. They were headed toward their exit route, which had been planned if they were spotted loitering on a prison rooftop.

Running away with a VIP prisoner was never part of the plan.

Meanwhile, an avian in a guard uniform opened fire on them with a repeating crossbow. Fiona barely got her shield up in time to deflect it, and she leaped with Bonnie along the smooth roofing tiles

Fiona would say this was exhilarating, but they'd just committed likely felonies for helping a prisoner escape. Or keeping a VIP prisoner from being assassinated. "Bonnie, remind me, Greybeard owes me big-time for this! I'm thinking early parole for Bianca!"

"What about me?!" Bonnie screamed as they tumbled to the ground and landed on a trampoline-like surface that broke their fall. Fiona was an elf and landed easily on her feet, while they broke into a sprint toward the street. "You think I don't want something, too?!"

"How about a chance to turn Barry into a toad? That's gotta be worth something!" They were both running at a full tilt while avoiding crossbow fire and other magical spells. Her shield of the heart luckily absorbed the blows, and Bonnie cushioned most of it with a golden barrier over their bodies.

Bonnie panted from the exertion, toward a narrow alleyway filled with garbage cans and stray cats that screeched at their frenzied sprint. "Tempting! But that's like weeks of work for five minutes of entertainment! I'm thinking a pre-funded wedding with Greg would be nice! That banquet place on Satin Street has a reservation list a mile long, but it's so nice!"

"Aw, jeez, Bonnie! You guys are the best, and I need you to make Greg relax a bit. Also, duck!"

Fiona pulled Bonnie down as a fireball blasted just over their heads, and impacted into a brick wall, setting off house alarms and also singeing Fiona's hair on the way. They sprang up from their position and darted through another side street, their pursuers still hot on their tail.

"Well, it's not official yet, but you know, Greg's young! I'm young too! And mom's pestering me about grandkits! She won't stop asking me about it!"

"This is a weird time to be talking about this!" Fiona shouted out, finally feeling just a little bit winded. Their pursuer was airborne about twenty feet above and behind them, along with two other avians, trying to shoot and fly at the same time, and doing so poorly.

"No one cares about your depthless love, you animals!" Glados screamed from the hat.

"Shut up, no one asked you!" Fiona shouted and gave the hat a sharp rap, resulting in a yowl of pain from within. "Sounds like you've failed for the last time, Barbie! Guess they don't take too kindly to failure in Aegortin!"

Bonnie aimed a spell behind them, and the silver wand projected a golden net that sailed through the air. It was far more effective against birds than giant sewer gators, and wrapped firmly around the startled avian, who crashed into a pile of snow on the ground, groaning audibly. The other two swerved to avoid the incoming entrapment spells.

Fiona, in the meantime, went back to her bag of tricks and grabbed a fistful of coins. She took a second to spin around, flinging the coins at high speed, catching one of the birds with a volley of high-speed gold, pelting him, and flinging him through the air. His crossbow dropped and smashed to the ground, and the assailant impacted into a swinging sign demarking a tavern. The metal rang dully, and he slid off of it, out of the fight.

The last pursuer was a bit wiser and threw a fireball in their projected path. Bonnie grabbed Fiona's arm and tugged her into an alleyway just as the spell detonated, a wash of fire running just by them. The avian flew by, but was already angling higher in the sky to intercept them further down. "Man, I wish I had my old Nintendo Zapper! It's like playing Duck Hunt!" Fiona cackled as she prepared more coins. "Now, where's my dog to flush them out?!"

"I sometimes worry about your sanity, Fi!" Bonnie barked out.

"Hard to worry about something I never had! Transmigration didn't do me any favors!" She got sight of their nemesis, who had flown ahead and was now hovering in mid-air, flinging more magical blasts with a small staff he was wielding. "Doug, where's my air support?"

"Still being pursued! Apparently, I warrant special attention!"

"You have wings!" she screamed.

"So do they! and flame thrusters. Damn gnomes and their dangerous technology."

Fiona timed her block against the incoming projectiles and bashed the magical missile with all her might with the heart shield. "Return to sender!" she shouted triumphantly.

To her amazement, the projectile rebounded toward the caster, who squawked loudly and his eyes went wide before taking a blast in the chest, bouncing him off the building before he fluttered to the ground, crashing into the street.

"How many other uses does that shield have?!" Bonnie gasped, panting heavily.

Fiona shook her head, equally out of breath. "Dunno. I like this one, though! Wingding is my bestie, she gives me the nicest gifts! I need to take that as my cue to make more fortunes of the heart to keep the goodwill going!"

Flap.

The offender struggled to rise, but Bonnie growled from deep in her throat and flung an alchemical grenade at the offender as he tried to raise his staff. The round detonated and covered the avian in sticky glue, freezing his movements, and he let out a sound of protest. Fiona, in the meantime, grabbed her hammer off her belt and bounded toward the man, grinning madly at him.

"Hi there. You tried to fry me. You haven't even asked me my name!"

"Not saying anything!" he protested, green eyes wide with fear.

"Get me away from these two maniacs!" Glados protested from the hat. "Anywhere but with them is preferable!"

"Shush you," Bonnie said with a sharp rap on the hat, and another howl of annoyance followed from the entrapped witch. Bonnie pointed her wand at the pursuer, whose prison guard uniform was ripped and showed a dark uniform that wasn't standard for Fiefdala underneath. Bonnie put the wand right between his eyes.

"I'm in a hurry, buddy, so start spilling details, or I can hex you so that every five seconds for the rest of your life, one of your feathers will be plucked at random." Bonnie leaned in so close, her muzzle nearly touched his beak, and her teeth were not for show.

"Insidious, and ingenious!" Fiona cackled before pulling out a gold coin. "Better listen to her, buddy. You've got until the coin hits the ground before she gets serious." She flicked a coin sky high, and the bird watched it anxiously go high, stop, then start falling to the ground.

At the last second, he gave in. "Alright, fine! Glados messed up; she's supposed to come home and face the Minister of Aegortin. You know. The kind of trip where it's probably preferable to be dead before you get back to face her," the bird stammered, and pulled fruitlessly at the glue. "This is never coming out of my feathers, either!" he wailed.

"Bah, some solvents will fix that," Bonnie chided him, and tapped him on the beak with her wand. "Thanks for confirming that. Gotta go, you should stick around until the real cops get here."

And not a moment too soon, as more pursuers rounded the corner at the far side of the street, looking for them and shouting to spread out. Fiona nudged Bonnie and pointed in the direction of downtown. "Bonnie, we should probably lay low for a bit, and get this giant pain in my butt witch to someplace that isn't so easily broken into."

"Oh, man. Jake's gonna have some grey in his fur when he hears about this," Bonnie groaned. They picked up the pace, leaving the restrained avian in place. Meanwhile, sirens of town guard automatons filled the air, louder and louder.

Whatever else might come of this, Fiona knew one thing for sure: running the shop with a death curse over her head had been far simpler than the last few weeks. "Hey, Doug? Meet us at the Adventurer's guild," she called out over the relay. "We'll figure out things from there."

"Oh, so now you want the terror lizard?" he grumbled. "My feathers are burnt on account of you, Swiftheart. And keep Glados in one piece before I get to lay my claws into her for this."

"I hate all of you just as much as the last," Glados said in a muffled shout from the hat. "Worst prison break, ever."