New York Carnival

Memory Transcription Subject: Rosi, Yotul Housewife

Date [standardized human time]: November 19, 2136

It was just a gourd. Sure, it had a face, and it was leaking blood-red sauce and bits of vegetable viscera out through its empty eye sockets, but it was just a gourd. Just a terrifying gourd. I froze in place, not moving a single muscle except my heart, which was pounding. I stared at the gourd. The gourd stared back.

"No, David, answer the fuckin' question!" Chiri shouted. "Why did you give it a face?!"

David looked at Chiri, confused. "I'm sorry, I thought you'd like it."

"Yeah, I think it's metal as hell!" the Gojid shouted, quills flaring up in affront. "You wanna make this for the two of us, that sounds great! Why the fuck are you serving it to a woman who's full-on prey?"

"Oh!" said David, as if that cleared everything up. "Well, we serve meat here. She has to get used to the concept."

"So you ease her into it!" Chiri growled. "Night one, all at once, are you crazy?"

David tilted his head. "You were eating predator food on night one."

"Yeah, like cheese and cream!" Chiri said, gesticulating wildly. "You didn't start me off with anything that looked like a bloody chunk of somebody's body! Even later, when I literally asked you to show me meat, I still needed a couple exposures to get used to the reality." Chiri pointed a claw at me, forcefully. "And she didn't ask!"

David shook his head. "You're coddling her."

"You're coddling me!" Chiri roared, and, for the briefest moment, I felt keenly aware of how much larger she was than me. She only had a couple inches in height over me, but Gojids were broad-shouldered and barrel-chested, and the claws she was waving around as she talked were astonishingly long. Take away the eyes, and David looked like a lanky pink blob by comparison…

Her words from earlier echoed in my skull. "Yeah," she'd said, "an Arxur might be trouble, but I think I could take a human in a fight." It suddenly didn't seem all that boastful…

David sighed, and took a seat at the end of the bar. "Chiri, you were visibly unnerved by a children's movie less than an hour ago," he said softly. "I'm trying to be mindful of the things you've been through. You want me to dial it up a bit, I'll dial it up, but I don't enjoy seeing you hurt."

Chiri stared at him, then at the Jack O'Lantern, then at me, then back to David. "Do you enjoy seeing her hurt?" she asked, icily.

There was an alarmingly long pause. "Okay, in my defense, she was being kind of a dick earlier," David said.

An exasperated growl deep in her throat was Chiri's only response. She rubbed her eyes tiredly and nursed the glass of improvised Gojid wine she'd mixed herself earlier.

I should really not be a drink ahead of a woman who's twice my body mass, an idle thought bubbled up through the fog. I took one last long sip, then nudged my mojito over to the side a little ways so my hand would more easily reach for water instead.

"Oh good, she's moving again!" David said, cheerfully, and turned his attentions back to me. "Right. So. Bit extreme, in retrospect, but I think my point stands. I'm obviously not gonna make you cook or prepare meat while you work here if you don't want to, but if you're back-of-house, other people will be cooking and preparing meat in the same room as you, and if you're front-of-house, you might need to carry a plate of cooked meat from the kitchen to a table full of hungry humans now and then. You have my word that no part of that will be dangerous, but I recognize that it may end up being a bit much for you, psychologically." His eyes flicked over to the terrifying gourd. "This is a harmless dish made exclusively of plants. It's just a stuffed pumpkin that I whittled a face onto. It cannot harm you, and no animals were harmed in its creation. The only dangers are the ones in your own mind." David pulled a knife out, dextrously flipped it around with nimble fingers pinching the flat of the blade, and held it out to me, handle-first. "This is the only test in your job interview. Can you handle the idea of meat, even if it's only in effigy?"

He wanted me to do the honors and carve open this poor creature's decapitated head. It wasn't real, though. It wasn't real. It was just a gourd. I could do this. I could… for Nikolo, for… for… wait, hang on.

My eyes narrowed. "Sorry, how long did you say it took Chiri to adjust to being around meat?"

David blinked, still awkwardly holding the knife out to me. "Uhh… day two, I guess? Yeah, we went shopping for ingredients, and then it was the second night that she got to try a vegetable dish that looked like meat."

A subtle smirk blossomed on my face. Anything a Gojid could do, a Yotul could do, too. We were just as worthy! "Time to outperform her, then." I said, smugly, as I reached for the knife.

Chiri snorted. "I take it back, David. You're right. She is being kind of a dick."

I'm sorry, little guy, I said, staring down the gourd's hollow face. For Nikolo, for duty, and for the pride of my species, you must perish.

The gourd did not reply. Circumstances had cowed it into sullen, silent acceptance of its fate.

My paw hovered and hesitated for a moment, before I pressed the blade down like I was carving a slice of pie.

Nothing happened.

I pressed harder.

Nothing happened.

The gourd's skin was too thick.

The gourd smirked at me, smugly.

"No, hang on, you gotta angle it a bit," David coached. "Do sort of a pushing motion with your wrists--"

"I am pushing!" I shouted, putting a second paw on it, and leaning forwards with most of my body weight.

"No, no, stop, you're gonna smoosh it!" David said, panicked. "You're just pushing the knife down! You have to move it horizontally, too."

"That's not how knives work!" I shouted. "The edge part is very famously not meant to go sideways!"

"No, not left-to-right!" David clarified. "To-and-fro. Slight sawing motion!"

"While pressing--?" I sputtered. "David, my flipping wrists don't move like that!"

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

"Oh for…" David sighed. "Hang on, one sec, let's try a different knife." He shook his head as he walked back into the kitchen. "Can't believe this problem never occurred to me before," he muttered, before coming back with what was probably the single largest knife I'd ever seen. It looked like a giant rectangle of solid steel! "Here," he said. "I tend to use a western-style chef's knife. This here is the eastern version. It's a Chinese-style cleaver. Might be a little easier for you. Different range of motion, so it might suit your wrists better."

I hefted it in my paw. "It's heavy," I said.

David nodded. "Yeah, the weight of it helps do some of the work for you. Choke up a bit with your grip so you can steady the blade, then give our buddy Jack here a good chop."

"You had to name it, too?" Chiri muttered, shaking her head.

I took another long draw from the straw of my mojito for courage, took a few deep breaths, and tried to focus. It felt predatory, but… Well, Nikolo's mother knew how to use a sword, from what he'd told me of her. Surely I could manage a big knife.

I carefully aimed at the center of Jack, and swung. The cleaver sank into the gourd flesh with a satisfying THUNK!

"Okay, now that you got it started--" David began.

I shook my head and put my weight into it. "I got it from here, thanks!" Pushing down on the back of the cleaver--there was just so much knife to work with!--I slowly managed to work it all the way down to the wooden platter below.

"Excellent work!" said David, and I tried not to beam too hard at being praised by a… I frowned. My instincts were misfiring. Decades of getting immediate positive or negative feedback under the tutelage of the various 'better' alien species of the galaxy, and I'd almost thought of David as one by force of habit. Must have been the drinks speaking for me. "Tiny rotation, and then do it one more time?" he continued. "You wanna get yourself a slice, after all. Let's try it with less windup this time. Just need to get the initial incision."

I nodded, and squinted in concentration. Obviously, my paw was steady; it was Stuffy Jack who kept trying to dodge. Tiny windup, careful aim…

Chiri grabbed my other paw, which startled me. "Rosi? Keep your appendages out of the danger zone unless you really wanna try chopping meat today." She shook her head and turned to David. "Are you sure you want her handling a cleaver three drinks in?"

David shrugged. "I dunno. I mean, I can. And she said she's worked at a restaurant before…"

Chiri made an annoyed noise.

"Uhhhh… what about you?" asked David, visibly worrying that he hadn't been paying enough attention to his mate. "Knives been working out okay for you at the bar, sweetie?"

Chiri snorted, and picked up a small green fruit with a rough, waxy rind. She stuck a claw into it effortlessly, and began slicing it into wedges with her bare paws.

David blanched. "Okay, so, I apparently need to triple-check something in the New York City health code, but for now, please just wash your hands frequently. Paring knives are certainly plentiful if your claws get sore."

I glared at Stuffy Jack through the blurriness. I had to defeat him! I had to prove I was worthy!

I aim carefully, wound up on the swing, but not too much, and--

"Ow, fuck!" I said. Pain radiated out of one of the lil' beans on my left paw. Muted. Fuzzy. I should not have been drinking so much in front of a predator and a… half-predator with PD? But she was a Gojiiiid, it was fiiiiiiiiine.

David got up in a flash and lunged for… a first-aid kit? That seemed excessive. Most of the liquid in front of me was red, from the gourd sauce. Only a teensy bit was Yotul-blood green. But not none bits of it. Oh no. That sounded bad.

I tried to eat my slice of Stuffy Jack, but it was tricky with only one paw. Chiri wouldn't let go of the other. It was really good, though! Jack's flesh was starchy and lightly sweet, and then the filling! The filling! It had fruit and nuts in it, so it was practically a dessert--so sweet and a lil bit fatty, and just a hint of texture from the heavily-steamed nuts--but it also had lil bits of grain and beans and stuff in it. Chopped veg.. veggg… veggies! Rooty bits from root vegebles, stocky bits from stalk veg, etc. Astonishingly yummy! I loved it, one paw and all. David was back, and he had water and water and a first aid kit and some antiseptic. He put one of the water in front of me, which was nice, but I still had some mojito left to drink, even if I couldn't reach it anymore and also couldn't find it, like somebody moved it too far away for some reason. My tongue was dry, but I had to drink water. What a nuisance. The predator and the defender of the sector rinsed my paw off a lot with the other water and stuff while I ate Stuffy Jack, and it stung a bit while they wrapped it up, but… but… wait, which one was the predator and which one was the defender, again?

"Alright," said the… the masculine one. I couldn't remember if he ate people or… I did? I'm sorry, Jack, it was for the best! "I'm getting you a cab and a bottle of water. Unless you need to sleep it off here?"

"M'fiiiiiine," I said. "Sleepitoff at home."

"I dunno, dude," said the feminine one, who maybe ate people or didn't, I couldn't remember. "She's like half my weight and a different species. I've never heard of an herbivore having this kind of a reaction to alcohol before, but maybe Yotuls are different? I was using Nevok numbers for my portions and hoping she was close enough."

My brain reminded me that Nevoks were kinda hot. Like a funky pale Yotul with a funny snout, but rich and fluffy. Why couldn't I be fluffy?! "I sleepitoff at home," I mumbled. I took another long draw of the cool water. "Already feeling a little better. Hits me hard, but I bounce back quick."

The pale and not-fluffy masculine one glanced at the brown and v-fluffy feminine one. "Want me to make it a round-trip cab ride, and you spot her?"

"Yeah, probably a good idea," said the fluffy-spikey one.

My other paw got rinsed off at some point, and I found myself shuffled out the door, into the back of a car. I was thirsty, but there were no mojitos anymore, just this bottle of water. The water was really good, though, so that helped me cope with the loss of Stuffy Jack and his Minty Rum Buddy. The brown one was seated next to me, and nobody was driving, which struck me as odd, but what did I know? I was drunk, and I needed to finish this water before I got home. The car ride was only twenty minutes, but I was… coming down, at least, by the end of it. Was that faster or slower than humans? I felt a little competitive streak as I regained enough manual dexterity to glance at my holopad.

My eyes widened. I had unread messages from Nikolo. A lot of them! I skimmed through them quickly, swallowed more water, and tried to will myself to get it together.

"This your stop?" asked Chiri.

I squinted out the window at a series of temporary shelters made from sheet metal and the idea of speed. "Looks like it," I said, drinking more water. That was a big water bottle they gave me!

"You good to go in, or you need a helping paw?"

I stared at my front door. "I'm home… away from home. Should be fine."

"Alright," said Chiri. "I'll wait with the car until you get inside."

I snorted. "See you in the morning, barkeep," I mumbled, and made my way to the door. I fumbled a bit with the keys, but they worked eventually. I heard car noises peeling away as I mounted the stairs inside.

Nikolo, sweet Nikolo, was sitting at the kitchen table, frantically fussing with his holopod, worrying, as I stumbled in. "You're okay! Okay. I'm glad you're okay. What happened?!"

I held up a paw for patience, walked past him, and used the bathroom for a long few minutes. When I came back out, I felt a lot better. "Sorry, I, uh…" I started, unsure where to go from there. "I went looking for you at the Carnival, and then one thing led to another, and they asked me to taste-test their upcoming menu."

Nikolo stared at me, confused. "Ooookay? Tell me more. How did it go? Good, bad, so-so…?"

"Good," I said immediately. "Great, really. It was delicious. Apparently that Gojid at the bar is part of the fffffuckin' Garnet Orchard family? She's crazy, and she kept showing me all the drinks she knows how to make. Still coming down from that. Sorry. Oh, and I'm like 60-40 that the owner's secretly fae or a wizard or something. They're dating, too, did you know that? And ummm…" I shook my head, trying to put everything back where it was supposed to be. Nikolo, sweet Nikolo, handed me another cup of water without even being asked. "They hired me?" I said, somehow unsure myself.

Nikolo laughed, and his eyes finally seemed a little more at ease. "Okay! That's… that's not bad, actually. You're a tavernkeeper. It's not a bad thing, wanting to hone your craft. Better than huddling in fear in here, ya know?"

I snorted, but I was still teetering, so I drank more water. "Oh pfft, and what have you been up to by comparison?"

Nikolo shrugged, but he was smiling giddily. "Ohhh, nothing much. Couple of beers with the guys from the build site. One of the human guys had a little dog, which was nice. Brought back memories of my mother's hensa a bit. Oh, and they were telling me all about how well construction workers got paid here on Earth. It was fascinating! They have this very aggressive tactic they use, but it's still oddly herd-centric. They called it, uhhh…" He searched for the words, even as I was starting to nod off. "Collective action?"