Naruto: The Illusionist

Shin POV

The night air was crisp as I strolled through the forest, whistling a cheerful tune. Kyoki trailed behind me, grumbling under his breath about how I was going to get them both killed.

We let Aunt Shina and the girls camp out in the forest while we explored near the land of rice. Or was it Grass? Either way, nobody cares about that stuff, you guys are here see me kick ass and guck bitches while you get some twisted pleasure from my semi insane escapades.

Yes I'm talking to you fuckers on the other side of the screen!

* Stares Judgmentally*

Anyhow, I better not rant much or the author will nerf or ntr me, maybe write some dumbass tragedy arc for character development.

*Slap*

I rolled around and fell as a giant hand popped out from nowhere and clapped my cheeks.

Not those cheeks weirdos. I guess that's all the time I get. Back to the story…..

"Come on, Kyoki, have a little faith," I said, hopping over a fallen log. "Plot armor-kun hasn't let me down yet!"

"Plot armor isn't real, Shin!" Kyoki hissed. "You're just lucky and stupid!"

I stopped and turned, giving him my best smirk. "Luck is a skill, my friend."

I understood his frustration. We walked into the nearby town and somehow I bumped into a pretty onee san who was about to fall but I spun and grabbed her in a artful pose, making her go "Kyaaa!" and blush.

Then we followed her to her father's inn where three drunks were making trouble. I kicked their asses and got the gratitude of the father- daughter duo.

I turned on my charm and captivated the girl named Ayumi, and we all know where that was going!

"Uhh… angh…. Oh yess! Fuck this slutty pussy ninja kun ! Cover me with your baby batter! ahnnhh~ Yes! I'm cumming!"

I smacked that booty which jiggled like a jello and unloaded my stress in her. Imagine if she got knocked up and gave birth, and my bastard child went on a journey through the ninja world in search of his shitty father, like Gon looking for his dad!

That'd be fun. Anyway, after staying there till next day noon, cz I decided to have my fun with Ayumi till early morning. Poor girl could barely walk when she came to see us off. I got a sloppy goodbye kiss and groped her juicy ass and parted from there unwillingly as Kyoki dragged me off. I also found a clue about a sneaky fellow who looked super sus whom we were following currently.

Oh yeah, the bastard tried to also hit on a girl but got slapped by her. Poor dude was drinking soup and bread with tears while I was banging Ayumi upstairs. I guess that's why he looks pissed.

Hate the game , not the player. Specially if your game skills suck harder than a vacuum cleaner.

As if the universe decided to validate me, a ninja clad in a strange silver-and-blue uniform suddenly walked out from behind a tree, munching on a rice ball.

"Hey, you!" I called out, pointing dramatically. "You're from the Sky Village, aren't you?"

The ninja froze mid-bite. "Uh... no?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Lies! That armor is literally sky-themed. You're about to get wrecked, buddy."

Before he could react, I charged forward, activating my Sharingan. Within seconds, I had him in a headlock, my pupils swirling menacingly.

"Tell me everything about your floating fortress, or I'll trap you in a genjutsu where you're stuck working a 9-to-5 job with no breaks, and you go home to find your wife is with 5 Kumogakure dudes!"

The guy paled. "N-NO! Anything but that!"

Kyoki sighed. "This is why people think you're insane, Shin."

The ninja whimpered. "Okay! Fine! Our fortress is located high above the Land of Demons, hidden within the clouds. It's heavily guarded, with aerial patrols and advanced chakra cannons!"

I grinned. "Excellent. Any weaknesses?"

The ninja hesitated, so I tightened the headlock. "Spill it, or your retirement plan is ruined."

"There's... there's an emergency maintenance hatch at the bottom that's usually left unguarded!" he gasped.

"Nice." I let him go and stepped back, cracking my knuckles. "Alright, thanks for the info."

The guy sighed in relief. "So you'll let me go?"

I grinned wickedly. "Of course!" Then, with all the grace of a madman, I kicked him square in the groin and yelled, "NUTZ CRACKER!"

The poor dude let out a sound that could only be described as a deflating balloon before collapsing in a heap.

Kyoki facepalmed. "Why are you like this?"

"Come on, Kyoki!" I grabbed his arm and started dragging him along. "We're heading to the Land of Demons, and soon, we'll own the skies!"

Kyoki sighed dramatically. "I hope you trip and fall."

"Impossible," I replied smugly. "Plot armor, remember?"

"Shin," Kyoki suddenly started chuckling, his eyes fixed on something behind me. "I think your plot armor just ran out."

Frowning, I turned around—only to be met with a shadow so large it blocked out the sunlight . My gaze traveled upward and landed directly on...

Tsunade's gigantic boobs. The solution to world peace!

I blinked. "Did they... grow even bigger since last time ?"

Tsunade's face contorted with rage. "YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD!"

Before I could react, her fist smashed into my face, sending me crashing through three trees.

I stumbled to my feet, groaning as I wiped a trickle of blood from my nose. "Damn, woman. You punch harder than my regrets after watching boku no pico."

Tsunade cracked her knuckles. "And I'm just getting started!"

Kyoki, wisely deciding self-preservation was more important than friendship, grabbed Shizune and backed away to a safe distance.

"Let them sort this out. We don't interfere with domestic issues of overpowered couples ."

Shizune nodded in agreement. "I don't get paid for this shit."

Meanwhile, Tsunade lunged at me with a chakra-infused punch. I barely dodged, my hair singed by the sheer force. "Wait! Let's talk about this like mature adults!"

"You got me pregnant, you little shit!" she roared, swinging at me again.

I gulped, dodging left and right as I tried to placate her. "I mean, congratulations? I'm sure our kid will be adorable! Imagine the cute little red eyes."

The forest was rapidly turning into a wasteland as we continued our game of cat and mouse, with me barely avoiding becoming embedded in a crater.

In a moment of desperation, I lunged forward and hugged her. "Honey, please! Think of the baby!"

She stiffened, her fist stopping inches from my face. "...Damn it, Shin."

I smirked, rubbing her back. "There, there , it's just the pregnancy hormones acting up . Let's talk peacefully ."

She sighed, but her cheeks were still slightly red. "Fine. You're not getting out of this. I'm pregnant."

I blinked. "For real?"

"Yes!" she growled.

I grinned and—without thinking—grabbed her boobs. "Marry me!"

Tsunade turned bright red and punched me so hard I swore I saw the Sage of Six Paths giving me a thumbs-up in the afterlife.

"WHO THE HELL PROPOSES WHILE GRABBING A WOMAN'S BOOBS?!" she screamed.

I coughed and grinned sheepishly. "I mean... they're really nice, and I figured I'd shoot my shot."

Tsunade facepalmed. "You're an idiot."

"But a responsible one," I said, winking. "It's my kid, so I'm sticking around. I want you to be my wife."

Tsunade scoffed. "Marry a brat like you? And an S-rank fugitive at that?"

I smirked. "Well, this 'brat' managed to knock you up, so…"

BOOM! Another punch. Totally worth it.

After several more apologies and romantic bullshit (I was surprisingly good at it), Tsunade finally sighed and said, "Fine. But only if you pay off my gambling debts."

I paled. "Wait... debts?"

"Big ones," She grinned evilly.

I groaned, but then my Mangekyo glowed ominously. "Fine. But I'm going to name our kid and you will be a housewife, no more gambling and running around."

Tsunade groaned but relented. "Deal."

I pulled her in for a romantic kiss, the moment perfect... until I whispered, "By the way, I want a harem."

Tsunade pulled back, staring at me blankly. "What .. did … you… just…say… fucker?"

I cleared my throat. "I mean, you know, to restore the Uchiha clan,Me and Kyokiare the only ones available for this, Itachi has no dick and Sasuke is still in the closet. I have to further our line.….. So , you know, gotta catch 'em all!"

BAM! Another punch. This time I actually saw my ancestors waving at me.

I held up my hands, " Think about the clans Babe! Both of our clans are nearly extinct. Do you really want our family legacy to ened just like this?"

She snorted, " If you don't remember, I'm already too old for that. Even this pregnancy is like a miracle."

I smiled and whispered , " Then lets make you younger again! 'Reality Rejection' , my mangekyou spun and released a wave of chakra that covered Tsunade. After a second The looked like a 20 year old girl."

She undid her transformation and traced her fingers over her beautiful smooth skin with no wrinkles. She dumbfoundedly asked, " How did you do that! That's impossible to do!"

I just hugged her and rested my face on top her twin pillows with a smug smile. " Your man is super OP, that's how! My mangekyou can solve most problems. I just need to be creative. So, now you should be able give enough kids to fill a nursery."

She glared at me angrily and wanted to retort, but after a moment, she sighed. "...Fine."

I blinked. "Wait, what?"

She rolled her eyes. "I don't plan to stay pregnant for next 20 years, so you'll need some other girls to help you with your quest.

Just don't be an idiot about it, alright? I'm not letting you screw around with every hoe that throws them at you. You also need to be a good father to our children."

Overwhelmed with happiness, I hugged her tightly, spinning her around. "Tsunade, you're the best!"

She smirked. "Yeah, yeah. Now shut up and let's go before the ANBU find us."

Kyoki walked up, shaking his head. "I can't believe it... You're actually settling down?"

I grinned. "Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And I gotta do Tsunade. For the glory of Uchiha, I shall breed her well!"

Another punch. This one chipped a tooth I think.

And with that, our chaotic journey continued with two new members. I insisted to carry my pregnant baby mama despite her protests.

She was tucked in like a kitten, holding my neck and burying her face on my chest. My hands were gripping firmly her squishy cheeks which is can give disneyland a run for their money as the' most fun place on earth."

Kyoki and Shizune was awkwardly following behind as we made our way to the camp. Aunt Shina's reaction was as expected, over exaggerated . She grabbed my ear and started asking why I was carrying the senju princess and why was she pregnant.

Tsunade, taking advantage pretended I was taking advantage of her and spun a sob story about I seduced and charmed her, then left after knocking her up.

That was probably the scariest moment of my life, even worse when I was solo'ing Itachi and Obito. I almost get bitch slapped to moon and meeting my other future waifu in 600 episodes advance.

After the explanation that calmed her down, she warmly offered some food to Tsunade. Little Hina was asking me what's pregnant mean, but I got smacked away before I could explain to her.

Inami gave a thumbs up while Izumi was acting a little weird. I paid no mind as I had better things worry about.

Do women carry twins if they are fucked during pregnancy? Cz I'm about to go super saiyan within in my newly acquired unlicensed waifu. Hue hue hue