Naruto : Monsters

"…You had one job."

The Sandaime Hokage rubbed his temples with both of his hands but even as he spoke to Kakashi he never took his eyes away from the form of poor Tora as it walked across his desk.

"…one job…"

The cat was entirely wrapped up in bandages from the waist down, particularly around its ass. In fact, its entire back half had been wrapped up so thoroughly with bandages that the poor cat couldn't even bend its knees or twist its hips, forcing it to waddle across the desk whenever it wanted to move. It kinda reminded me of how a penguin would walk, making a tap-tap noise with every waddling step it took.

Tora's eyes were wide open, so large that they resembled golf-balls and seemed to take up half of its face. If it had any eyebrows then I was sure they would have shot up to its hairline in surprise. Every few seconds the cat would release a heartbreaking and baffled sounding meow, as if it was confused and had no idea what had happened.

Seriously, if there ever was a 'what the fuck just happened' face then that was it. It had been wearing that expression since the incident and as far as I can tell it hasn't even blinked once the entire time since.

It just kept looking around the room with wide baffled eyes, occasionally letting loose another of it's confused sounding meows. Poor Tora has been behaving like that for the entire time. And I couldn't blame the poor thing, it's not like it woke up this morning thinking that this would be the day that Kakashi would take its anal virginity. Hell, I'd be wearing the same devastated expression on my face if that ever happened to me.

"…and you blew it." Sarutobi looked away from the cat and back to Kakashi, exasperation clearly written on his face. "What were you thinking?"

Kakashi was once again kneeling like a misbehaving child in front of the Hokage's desk and somehow I got the distinct impression that this was a common occurrence between the two. I guess after the Fourth Hokage's death, Sarutobi was the one who ended up taking over the role of Kakashi's disciplinarian.

The three of us stood a little behind our insane Sensei, lined up near the door to the office, so we all had front row seats to the entire thing.

Sunlight poured through the windows that filled the back wall of the office, revealing a breathtaking view of Konoha. You could literally see the entire city from up here, and I had no trouble picturing Hokages, both old and new, standing before these windows and fondly gazing down at the village they dedicated their lives to protecting.

It was a shame the view was ruined by the still blacked remains of the training ground we had devastated yesterday during our exam. Thankfully it was already starting to look much better than it did since the last time I'd seen it.

All the fires have long been put out, while the craters that had littered the landscape had already been filled up and levelled through liberal use of earth jutsu. It even appeared that a certain green-thumbed Anbu had let a hand in the restoration efforts because I spotted several trees sprouting from spots I knew that had been burned down.

Speaking of Anbu, I could hear the sound of their muffled laughter coming from directly above me, where the squad of Anbu tasked with guarding the Hokage lay hidden behind the secret panels on the ceiling.

I'd known about the Anbu hiding there for years now, ever since my first visit to the Hokage's office. A natural consequence of owning a Byakuan was that you could never remain hidden from our eyes for long no matter how well you hid.

Despite that, the Anbu still maintained their secrecy and refused to reveal themselves or even talk to me. In fact I had never even heard them speak before. They were supposed to be the Hokage's silent guards, unheard and unseen until they were needed. In all the years I've known them they never made a sound, not even a peep.

But for the last five minutes or so, ever since we began verbally reciting our report, non-stop snickering could be heard coming from directly over our heads, ruining the mental image I had of them. It was clear that at that moment they were fighting a losing battle to contain their laughter.

Then again, I couldn't exactly blame them. If I hadn't been personally involved in this mess I'd be laughing my ass off too.

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head and gave the Hokage an awkward laugh. "I was planning on demonstrating that particular technique during my Genin exam yesterday but I never got the chance. What with the explosions and all. So when an opportunity presented itself I couldn't resist."

And just like that, I lost whatever sympathy I had for the guy.

That bastard was going to use the Thousand Years of Pain on us! Oh, who the hell was I trying to kid? The sadistic prick was going to aim for me, I know it. I never thought I was going to say this but thank god we blew up the forest when we did, had the fight lasted any longer than I may have been the one sitting in Tora's place right now.

My spirit broken alongside my anus.

"Kakashi," Sarutobi took a deep calming breath as he pinched the bridge of this nose, "What am I supposed to tell Madam Shinjimi about what happened to her cat?"

Almost as if Tora knew we were talking about her, it let out another heartbreaking meow as it's wide eyes glanced around the room.

Actually, that was a very good question. How the hell are we going to explain why we had to bandage her cat's ass without coming off as completely insane?

"Jiji," At the voice, Sarutobu turned to glance at Naruto who was fidgeting nervously at the back of the room. She gave the Hokage a weak smile that contrasted greatly to her usually exuberant ones, "We...are we in trouble?"

The old man paused, surprised before his expression melted into a fond smile and he chuckled. "No Naruto, you're not in any trouble. Going by the reports you've all given me none of this was your or your teammate's fault. Just his." He thrust a finger towards Kakashi. 

"Your Sensei is the one who failed to take the Kyuubi into account when choosing the mission. And he was the one who made the situation worse by…" he paused, no doubt searching for a more polite way of saying 'shoving his fingers up a cat's ass', "…traumatizing Tora more than she already was."

The effect of the Hokage's reassurance was instantaneous.

"Yes!" Naruto cheered, throwing her arms into the air, "For once, I'm not the one in trouble. This is awesome!"

Then, as if to demonstrate just how much respect and loyalty Kakashi had earned from his new students, Naruto pointed towards the kneeling Kakashi and barked out a laugh, "Ha! You hear that Scarecrow? Jiji is going to punish your lazy ass. You're going to really get it now."

"Yes, as a matter of fact, he is going to 'get it'," Sarutobi said genially as he reached down into one of the drawers of his desk and pulled out a pipe. He made a show of examining it, "You have disappointed me Kakashi," he said before setting the pipe down on the desk in front of him.

Kakashi eyed the thing as if it were a snake.

"Now why don't you kids hurry back home?" Though the words were for us, Sarutobi's eyes were firmly locked onto Kakashi's form, the latter of whom had broken into a sweat under the old man's merciless gaze.

"I have a few things I need to discuss with young Kakashi here, particularly about his recent behaviour and how inappropriate it is now that he is a Jonin-Instructor. I'm afraid this will take a while and as such Kakashi will be unavailable to you for the next several hours. Team 7 may disband for the day."

We didn't need to be told twice.

After a respectful bow of goodbye from Shikamaru and me, with Naruto just waving, we quickly hurried out of the room. And just as we shut the door behind us, a familiar noise sounded from behind it.

*Whack*

You know, it was disturbing to realize that despite being reincarnated into an anime world after being murdered by my own son and having dedicated the rest of my existence to finding a way to ascend to God-hood, I still wasn't the craziest person in this team.

...

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