Mistwoven Healer

As I depart GDF Headquarters, Celeste resting happily on my shoulders, I find myself at a loss on what to do for the rest of my day. Normally, I might try to go to the Sanctum Collective to discuss my new Celestial Equilibrium ability, but I can't actually use that ability at the moment. Even using my inventory — which I definitely would never do after I was explicitly told not to — still sends waves of nausea through me. No, I need to give my magic some time to cool off.

That only leaves me with a few other options on how to spend my day. I suppose I could actually do my homework, but… well, I would rather do literally anything else with the little free time I have left before Monday. Yet, without my powers, I'm really too vulnerable to do much of substance. Even going to the Mercurial Compound would be a massive risk as I'm just not able to defend myself as well without my assault state.

I could also go visit Ratchet with Akari, but it's already getting a bit late in the day. I'm willing to bet that she's already at the apartment, and I don't want her to have to come all the way to headquarters only to shop for twenty minutes and head back home.

With Kiley working on my other problems for me, this only really leaves me with one other option I want to explore. A way to study my powers without actually using them.

Meditation, I've learned, is an interesting concept for sentinels. Before heading to Shirakaze, I was taught by one of the Sanctum Collective lecturers that sentinels can accomplish some strange things by meditating. The most interesting of these things is the ability to spiritually enter our soul gems, much like I did during my ascension to D Rank.

However, meditation will also allow me to get a better handle on my powers in general. So far, I've mostly just been feeling my way through using my magic, but over the course of that, I've started picking up on some things. Specifically, when I use any of my abilities, I can feel my mana moving through my body in specific ways — ways that I should be able to at least partially replicate without using an ability.

This is extremely interesting as, just as Celeste once explained, sentinels are essentially beings of magic like centurions are. Despite the notifications I get and how I can look at my status menu, being a sentinel is not actually like being a character in a video game. Those elements are just our souls reacting to our new magic in order to show our logical minds what's going on. And so, it's possible to wield aspects of my abilities without actually using an ability.

For example, something conceptually related to my power, like creating a breeze or influencing an already ongoing storm, should be possible even if I don't have an ability for that specifically. Much like I can shape my Living Mists in extremely varied ways, I should be able to do the same for the rest of my powers… somehow.

That is, apparently, where meditation comes in. Within our soul gem, Celeste and I will be massively enhanced in terms of raw power. This essentially means that we can practice using our power directly without incurring any mana costs, all while our increased power acts as training wheels.

Right now, I'm leaning on my abilities as a crutch when they are really just aspects of my magic. I should be able to bend them and, with enough practice, even enhance them. What if I could find a way to freely control the lightning bolts generated by my Divine Retribution ability or learn to heal more efficiently like Kaipo and Calan?

In essence, it's time for me to stop stumbling my way through my power and start actually understanding how it works. Hopefully, this should be the first step in even attempting to use Celestial Equilibrium.

"What do you know about direct mana control?" I ask Celeste as we walk down the skyway toward the tram station.

Luckily, for this particular walk, Celeste chose to stay invisible, which is a relief. I still don't love people looking at me all the time, and I really don't think that Celeste likes it much either. For that first day, she seemed to mostly just be revealing in her newfound freedom. Still, I will need to keep on top of things to make sure we don't slip back into old patterns unconsciously. She needs to always know that she has full autonomy at all times, regardless of what I might want.

[Honestly, not much,] Celeste admits, shifting around on my shoulder. [Mother spent so long teaching me about the Celestial Truths and the best way to utilize that path that I never really learned much else. Why?]

"Well, there's not a whole lot else to get done today," I say with a shrug, "I figure we should spend the rest of the day doing something at least slightly productive. Also, if we're going to make use of our new ability, I think this is something we should try to go deeper into."

[I don't disagree…] Celeste starts. [That ability worries me, though. Your physical body and our soul gem are nearly entirely infused and at least partly made up of Tributary Mana. If we make a mistake using Stygian Mana and take a large amount of it into your body, it could start spreading through you like a cancer until it kills you.]

I bite my lip, considering. "Wouldn't I be able to control it, though? That's what Celestial Equilibrium is supposed to let me do."

[Hmm, yes, but no,] Celeste says. [There is a difference between the mana you can actively use and the mana that partially makes up your body. The mana you actively use is what can be formed into magical effects, like your mist, teleportation, or any other ability. The mana that makes up your body is what allows for your assault state and makes you generally faster and stronger. If I had to guess, I would say that Celestial Equilibrium will only let you control active Stygian Mana, not passive Stygian Mana.]

"Okay… so I could take it into me and use it, but not keep it in me?" I question.

[Again, that's only kind of the case,] Celeste says, before briefly pausing as I wave my tram card over the scanner and climb into the car to find a seat.

[We're reaching the edges of my understanding here, but I'm fairly sure that any mana you take into yourself in any capacity will slowly become part of the mana that makes you up and sustains you. The trouble is, any Stygian Mana that's permanently a part of you would do what Stygian Mana always does — corrupt. It would be like a cancer growing inside you, forcing you to take on greater and greater challenges in order to stop its spread,] Celeste explains.

My heart skips a beat at the word "cancer." Ever since Mom died of lung cancer years ago, it's been a word that has carried more weight. Oftentimes, most people consider cancer as something that happens to other people but never to them. However, the mere idea of some kind of magical supercancer growing inside me is terrifying. I know for a fact that even learning it was a possibility would scare my dad to death.

"There has to be a way to do it, though, right? Obviously, we'll start by controlling Tributary Mana, but what if we could find a way to control Stygian Mana outside of my body? I think the potential for increased ability potency could be worth it if we can find a safe way to practice," I say.

While I want to avoid any potential risk of cancer of any kind, Celestial Equilibrium offers something that I'm not sure any other sentinel has ever had — perhaps any other centurion or volcora either — the ability to directly manipulate both kinds of mana.

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What can be done with such an ability? It said that it could even give my abilities extra effects, so what if I used it for healing magic? What kind of extra effects could that add?

Honestly, I'm really not sure if I can simply let an opportunity like this just pass me by.

After a long few minutes of silently riding the tram and absently looking out the window at the passing skyscrapers lit by the late afternoon sun, Celeste suddenly speaks up. [What about Living Mists?] she asks, her tone contemplative.

I sit up straighter in my seat, forcing myself to focus. "What about it?" I question.

[Well, it has an additional interaction with every ability we get. Theoretically, that should include Celestial Equilibrium, right?] Celeste continues.

I nod along, only somewhat seeing where she's going with this. "It should, I think. You're thinking that the extra effect could allow us to bypass the problem with the ability?"

[Maybe,] Celeste says, her tone growing excited. [What if, like with our healing, it allows us to spread the effect out into the mist? Then we could control Stygian Mana and Tributary Mana both within our mists and thus experiment safely without ever needing to let Stygian Mana into your body.]

"It would certainly make sense!" I exclaim. "We'll have to test it with some meditation when we get home. I've been wanting to try that anyway, and testing out our abilities again seems like a good use for it."

Upon arriving home, I greet Akari and my father briefly before smiling and heading back to my room.

As I do this, I momentarily consider our current living situation. I absolutely adore living with my dad; having him around and being able to spend time with him during my nights is part of what makes everything I go through worth it. However, we've pretty much outgrown our little apartment. Akari is still sleeping on the couch, and I feel awful about her not having a room to herself. She might not complain about it, but it might be nice to have a place for her to sleep as well.

I've considered trying to move us into a GDF Sentinel apartment on and off for a while now, but I can't get over one fundamental problem. In my eyes, it would essentially mean living at work. Sure, I might not have much of a life outside of being a sentinel, but throwing away that option forever seems like a bad idea. Our current apartment is much closer to school anyway, which is convenient for all of us.

As such, I wonder if I should ask Kiley to spend some time looking around for another apartment in this area for us. I'm certain Akari would be willing to chip in — especially now that she got her payment situation figured out with the GDF — so our budget for something nice would be pretty high.

I'll have to talk to her about it soon. For now, however, I need to not get distracted and actually go practice like I said I would.

Heading into my room, I close my door and move to settle down on my bed.

It still feels odd in here without the poster of Audrey hanging over my headboard, and I feel kind of bad for tearing it down after she saved us. Still, I won't be trying to put it back up. Audrey is no longer some mythical figure but an actual person that I know. Having a poster of her in my room would be like having a poster of Baylee in my room — which would just be weird.

"Ready?" I ask Celeste, settling back against some pillows.

[Sure,] she affirms, [hopefully we can get a handle on things.]

With that, I close my eyes, attempting to draw myself into my soul gem as I did during ascending. However, having only done it once, it's still quite odd for me to do. More than once, I crack my eyes open to see if I've successfully entered the soul gem, only to still see my room. After a while, though, once I've truly calmed and centered myself, I open my eyes to find myself on the cloud island with Celeste once more.

The island is different than it was the last time I was here, and primarily, it seems much bigger. Indeed, this cloud island seems to be about twice as large as it was before, and there are three other, smaller cloud islands floating around.

Distantly, wrapping the cloud islands from both above and below, I see the faint crystalline shape of my soul gem. The sunlight from above refracts through it, making the near-transparent frame around this place glitter.

It's hard to feel trapped inside such a large area, even if I understand that's actually what's happening. My soul is trapped inside this gem along with Celeste's — unable to ever leave it unless the gem is destroyed. And, knowing my father and Akari, they would protect this gem with everything they have if I died.

Yet, part of me wonders whether or not that's actually the right way of going about things. Is keeping a fallen sentinel's soul gem intact forever actually ethical? Doesn't it prevent our souls from moving on to whatever comes next?

These thoughts trouble me as I once more look around at the strange trees and grass on the cloud islands — which have spread out even more than last time. The white gold trees definitely seem to be expanding, probably due to the influence of my new Celestial Healer path.

Shaking my head in an attempt to clear it, I turn to Celeste, who is standing beside me in her full-sized form. Seeing her like that in this place brings back unpleasant memories, but I do my best to push past them.

"So, how do we start?" I question.

Celeste flicks her large tail behind her, flattening some of the strange wavy blue grass. [From what I understand, in here, we should be able to exert near absolute control over the environment. Doing so should teach us how to use our mana in the outside world.]

I nod, looking around. "This is more of just wanting things to happen, I suppose."

[Yes, although doing something outside of a direct ability is supposed to require a lot more willpower,] Celeste explains. [Think of this like willpower training. I think we should start by trying to do something really basic, like make a breeze or something. It's supposed to be a lot easier here, but from what I've heard, easier doesn't necessarily mean easy.]

Okay, that sounds suspiciously like, "Want it to happen, just really, really bad this time." Oh well, let's give it a shot, I suppose. If I can't control my own mana directly enough to do something like this, then I have no business even attempting something like my Celestial Equilibrium ability.

Pointing at a specific tree, I say, "Let's try to make a breeze that will make all the leaves move. That seems like a good starting point."

Celeste nods her agreement, and both of us focus on the tree. Oddly, I can feel her will joining with mine as I try to create a breeze.

Luckily, unlike the last time we were here, it isn't windy at all, which gives Celeste and me a clear baseline on whether or not what we're doing is actually working.

Within me, I can feel something… as if I'm trying to lift a great weight, but only with the power of my mind. Celeste is there pushing with me, but it's still incredibly difficult and slippery. Like I can mentally grab onto what I want to do, but if Celeste or I lose focus for even a moment, then the connection slips, and we're back to square one.

After nearly ten minutes of mentally straining to make a breeze to blow on the tree, we only manage to make a single leave rustle… slightly.

I sigh, leaning back on my hands from where I sat beside Celeste to focus on the tree. "I'll be honest, this doesn't feel very productive."

[It's supposed to get easier, I think?] Celeste murmurs. Her will, like mine, feels weak and faded through our connection. It was like we tried and tried to lift a heavy weight together but barely managed to lift it off the floor.

"Okay… well, you're right about Celestial Equilibrium. If we don't have the control to do something like this, we're absolutely not ready to use it," I say, feeling a touch sullen.

Celestial Equilibrium feels like it has so much potential and also seems very closely tied with the path of the Celestial Healer I now walk. Yet, I feel like I still have a long way to go before I can even attempt to use it safely.

[Not everything can come easy to us, I suppose. For some things, the only teacher is practice,] Celeste says.

I nod, agreeing. "We'll need to dedicate some time to this every day. Maybe we could do this after going to the gym as it's kind of like working out a muscle."

Celeste gives a mental groan. [After seeing you working out at the gym, I'm really not excited to have to participate.]

I laugh, "It'll be fine, don't worry. As you said, practice makes perfect. Anyway, I'm not sure I can do any more of this today. I think let's get out of here and go talk with Akari. We still need to hear about her ascension."

With that, Celeste and I depart our soul gem… well, kind of. Our souls can never actually leave, but… you get the idea.

When I open my eyes in the real world, I'm surprised to find a message waiting for me on my phone, one from Dad.

Hey darling, I know you're up to some sentinel stuff right now, so I didn't want to bug you. The lawyer just called and told me that they want you to come and speak at tomorrow's hearing. I know you're still conflicted, so just make sure you're ready. Love you!