Miss, stop committing suicide

Chapter 59

When I opened the door, Evan stood there with a face that looked ready to burst into tears.

I was taken aback.

I hadn’t done anything yet, but his expression toward me was different.

He looked at me with sadness, perhaps even conflicted affection, rather than anger.

Every time he did that, I couldn’t help but feel flustered and scared.

I had always assumed that the world would continue moving the same way, but when something changes, how could I not be startled?

The unfamiliar and the unsettling usually inspire disgust.

Humans, after all, prefer to reject and push away the unknown rather than try to understand it.

But Evan wasn’t someone I could hate.

Even if he had changed into something unfamiliar and strange, he was still Evan.

Maybe, like me, he was living a life that was suffocating in its pain.

Yes, Evan alone seemed to change.

As if he were the only special one in this endlessly repeating world where so many others moved in the same way.

“So, why now? We haven’t seen each other in ages. What brought you here?”

“Maybe we should talk inside?”

I considered his words and glanced back at my room.

It wasn’t messy, but it wasn’t in any condition to entertain a guest either.

“Wait just a moment. You dropped in unannounced; I can at least ask you to give me a second, can’t I?”

“…Alright.”

Inside, I rearranged the furniture, moving the table to the center and setting the chairs so we could face each other.

I added a few tea leaves to the teapot, poured hot water over them, and cleared the scattered papers from the desk.

Finally, I returned to the door and opened it.

“It’s ready. Come in.”

Evan stepped inside and looked around, his face filled with a mix of nostalgia and something else I couldn’t quite place.

His gaze lingered on a short decorative dagger for a long time.

“What’s wrong?”

“You know why I’m here, don’t you?”

“Let me guess. You heard about me slapping Vivian, spent a long time thinking it over, and then got so angry that you came here to confront me.”

“Well, I was furious until just a moment ago.

“But then… sadness, detached memories, and a sense of disappointment in Vivian started to surface.

“I thought, maybe, if I came to you, I could find an answer.”

I didn’t reply right away, opting instead to take a sip of tea.

Evan’s gaze had a certain weariness to it.

It reminded me of soldiers who’d lived too long in a hail of bullets, stealing too many lives, until their eyes grew hollow and dull, yet faintly aglow.

Had he just come back from killing someone?

It had only been a few hours since I slapped Vivian, and already he looked like this.

“Hey, Evan. Do you remember?

“Here, the two of us grabbing each other by the collar, cursing each other’s families, slapping, shoving, and throwing insults—words neither of us really wanted to say.”

Evan frowned slightly and fell silent.

It seemed like he could recall the scene, but not clearly enough to be certain.

“I… I…”

“You look parched. Have some tea first.”

I poured tea into his empty cup, then took out some chocolate from the drawer and placed it on a dish.

“Why are you the only one who’s special?

“Why, to me, are you the only one who’s special?”

“What are you talking about…?”

“Nothing. It’s just nonsense. Forget it.”

“Hey, Evan, why are you the only one who’s special?”

Evan looked at me, confused, his expression riddled with doubt.

I sighed and deflected the moment, pretending it was nothing.

“It’s nothing, really.”

Evan, hesitantly, reached out with a trembling hand as if to touch my cheek.

I slapped his hand away and shoved him back.

He looked at me with a bewildered expression, and I couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous he looked.

“Hey, Evan. How about we go on a date for old time’s sake?”

Evan didn’t respond.

Maybe, just maybe, he had some inkling of the future.

Or perhaps he was haunted by lingering emotions from seeing me dead.

If that were the case, then maybe that was good.

I had thought no one cherished me or considered me special, but if at least one person did, that was something.

But his eyes wavered.

It reminded me of how I once looked at Evan, thinking he wouldn’t have acted this way before, this isn’t like him.

“I’m kidding.”

I quickly dismissed my words, downing the rest of my tea before refilling the cup with freshly brewed hot water.

The heat scalded the roof of my mouth, leaving my skin raw and slightly mushy.

The faint sting returned as the sensation crept back into my nerves.

I covered my mouth abruptly.

The thought of Evan becoming like me, or following me, made nausea well up inside.

Was it the complicated emotions? Or was it the thought of someone who now cherished me, someone who thought of me as special, that felt so repulsive?

Perhaps it was this cruel world that seemed to hate me.

Or maybe it was Vivian—Vivian, who could take someone like Evan and toss him aside like he was worthless, who was the true object of my hatred.

Or maybe it was just the feelings of the girl whose body I now inhabited.

I didn’t know.

“Evan, I think you should leave my room now.

“I’m feeling a little down after fighting with Vivian today.”

“But…”

“Just go.”

Even as I dismissed him, Evan hesitated, looking startled but not leaving.

That’s when it hit me—nothing about this world has really changed.

Evan still didn’t truly see me.

Or maybe it wasn’t still; maybe it was not yet.

“Evan, I’m not someone you need to protect. I’m just an idiot who slapped Vivian and now wallows in self-pity.

“If you’re not going to stand up, point your finger at me, and tear me down for being pathetic, then just leave.”

Every time I died, Evan slowly began to change.

For reasons I couldn’t understand, he would look at me with tender eyes and weep when I died, lamenting his mistakes.

If he was going to grieve so much, why hadn’t he treated me better from the start?

If I meant that much to him, why had he treated me this way?

Why had he pushed me away when I tried to approach him?

I didn’t know.

Wouldn’t it be enough to leave a lasting impression?

Even if I die and time rewinds, I just need to carve something unforgettable into his mind.

Even that fool, who only understands words printed in books, should be able to remember it.

Death is simple, yet striking.

But this girl—the one inside me—asked for one thing: no more suicide.

“Evan, you should leave for today.

We’ll see each other plenty at the Academy, won’t we?”

I poured green tea into Evan’s empty cup.

The liquid reflected the light, shimmering with a soft green glow.

Even when the cup was full, I kept pouring.

Soon, the tea overflowed, spilling onto the table, dripping down onto the floor, and finally soaking Evan’s pants.

“Take a look at this cup,” I said.

Sometimes, if words don’t get through, actions will.

See? He’s focusing now, isn’t he? Just like that.

This is the point.

Even before the news of my family’s collapse spreads, this is how lightly I’m treated.

What will happen after my family is gone?

I’ll just be a powerless, voiceless thing. No matter how much I struggle, I’ll be easily subdued.

A pretty, delicate doll with nothing left but a faint trace of nobility.

“Overflowing like this…

When interest becomes too much, it’s suffocating. You just want to spit it all out.

It’s getting late. Go home, Evan.”

Finally, Evan stood, looking slightly dazed, and left the room.

I also rose from my seat and walked him out.

After watching him leave from the dormitory’s entrance, I closed my eyes briefly, then gathered some coins from my room and decided to take a walk.

By now, the chances of running into the Crown Prince were slim, so I figured I might as well stop by a shop to buy tea or tobacco.

But something felt off at my waist.

I went back to my desk, retrieved my gun, and loaded it with a practiced hand.

“Heh.”

At first, I couldn’t even load a bullet properly—I’d drop them constantly.

Now, I was so used to it that the ease of it made me laugh.

I left the hammer uncocked; I didn’t want to accidentally shoot myself in the thigh while walking. Tucking the gun into my waistband, I stepped outside.

The crisp, biting wind stung my cheeks as it swept past.

It was the kind of wind that could redden the tip of your nose.

I wished for snow to fall, to bury me in its embrace. But in this frozen time I was trapped in, no snow ever fell.

Occasionally, chunks of frozen ice might drop, but that was it.

Magic—it’s so inhuman, such a horrifying force that bends nature to its will.

The twilight had long fled, leaving only darkness.

I stepped into a shop, bought some tobacco leaves, a pipe, and plenty of food before heading back to my room.

How long has it been?

It was about the time I’d eaten through all my chocolate.

If some insignificant creature were to harm a brilliant magician, a girl beloved by the world…

No, I couldn’t harm her. If I even tried…

Wouldn’t that be quite the memorable act in itself?

Such thoughts crossed my mind.

How disgusting. Ha!