Miss, It’s Just a Cold

Chapter 39: A Human…

I suppose I’ve been far too passive until now.

Tossed around by others, crumbling when things didn’t go my way, and resigning myself to despair without putting up a fight.

But that was unnecessary, wasn’t it?

When practicing piano, who stops playing altogether just because they hit the wrong key?

There’s still so much passion left within me.

Even now, I imagine the sound of an instrument I can no longer play, sketching out sheet music in a notebook and placing notes on staves.

I felt a slight need to move forward for once.

Fortunately, I’m surrounded by people.

Sure, they killed the cat I adored, but there’s at least one servant who helps me—perhaps out of guilt.

I still don’t know her name. Rin? Ren? Ran? Lin? I have no idea. But when I call out “Rin,” she comes, so Rin it is.

Then there’s Ernst: wealthy, tall, and impressive in every way.

And of course, there’s that beautiful friend from the same place I came from.

That makes three people.

Three is enough.

I’m going to kill Emily’s mother.

Whether it’s socially, physically, or mentally, I just need to destroy her somehow.

This isn’t a new thought, though you might think it just occurred to me now.

But if you’re dragged into the punishment room and beaten every day, these thoughts tend to wither.

Then, when your body is covered in wounds, coughing up blood, they resurface again.

Mother is not my mother.

She has never once told me she loves me.

Father, at least, even with his hollow words, has said that he loves me. It wasn’t heartfelt—it lacked any soul—but he still said it.

And since no parent fails to love their child, that means Mother isn’t a parent to me.

She’s just a bad person who shares my blood.

Perhaps she isn’t even human.

A person would at least love the child they gave birth to.

If possible, I’d like to make her so miserable that she can’t even tell day from night or control her own bodily functions. Unfortunately, I don’t have the means to do that.

I’ve even wondered if she might show some reaction if I flayed her precious Ellie alive right in front of her. But Ellie hasn’t done anything that terrible to deserve that, has she?

Perhaps just pushing her in front of a carriage or cutting her legs off would suffice—just enough to make her unable to walk.

Is Ellie even my family? When we were little, I told her I liked her and loved her countless times.

I really did adore her when we were young. But as she grew, she began to push me away, hurl insults, and constantly belittle me.

It’s the same for you, isn’t it?

But still, it’s not a sin worth dying for.

She’s just swept up in Mother’s influence.

A moderately miserable life would be punishment enough.

“Big sister, you seem to be in a good mood today…?”

It was a ball day again.

Ellie, helping lace up my corset, glanced at me with a slightly worried expression.

“It’s because I get to leave this wretched mansion.”

Her expression darkened slightly, so I decided to say something to cheer her up.

“Ellie, how about this: I’ll arrange for you to meet Ernst. After six songs have been played at the ball, go to the terrace on the far left.”

“Ernst likes you, not me.”

“Still, you should meet him at least once. You can’t keep sending letters forever.”

“…Is this what you want, sister?”

Lately, she’s been calling me “sister” quite often.

She used to look at me like one might look at a passing cripple, after all.

“Yes, it’s what I want. Ugh…”

As I spoke, the servant yanked the corset strings tight, as if she didn’t want to hear another word.

I was already thin enough; why did I even need to wear this?

Dressed in my gown, I climbed into the carriage. Mother was already seated inside, unlike usual.

“Emily, do you remember what I told you last time?”

“Yes, Mother. I’ll do as you said.”

I smiled brightly, as if truly happy to comply.

“You’d better. You always should.”

Mother nodded and added:

And when we return, I hope you’ll behave yourself and continue to listen like usual.

Every time you come back from a ball, you get so full of yourself. It’s infuriating.

“I’m sorry, Mother.”

“You always are. Perhaps the problem is that you, as a whole, are fundamentally flawed.”

Mother continued berating me.

For hours, as the carriage rolled along, she didn’t stop even once.

On a normal day, Ellie would have chimed in with her cheerful agreement, but she seemed tired. Her eyes were closed, pretending to sleep.

Her chest wasn’t rising and falling, so I suspected she was faking it.

I wouldn’t know for sure—I’ve never seen her asleep up close.

At the ballroom, the same tedious routine began: drinking meaningless tea, exchanging veiled insults with people whose names I didn’t know, and waiting for evening to arrive.

Aria eventually came to find me.

“…I’ve been busy lately, so we haven’t seen each other much. How have you been?”

I took a sip of tea, raised an eyebrow, and replied:

I’ve been doing well, of course.

You don’t need to be so concerned. I’ve managed quite well on my own so far.

Really, there’s no need to worry.

“Hmm, if you say so. But how’s your illness?”

“I’m not coughing anymore, am I? Lately, I’ve been feeling much better—ugh—overall.”

Even when the coughing starts, I can swallow it back down now.

Spitting up blood tastes metallic and bitter, after all.

The pain is secondary to that.

Since my insides have always been torn up, it doesn’t bother me much.

“…You don’t sound convincing.”

“Then trust me, would you? Haha.”

“Anyway, how about going to see Ernst for a bit?”

“Well, you’re going to see Ernst once the ball starts anyway, aren’t you?”

“Even so, for a while, you’ll have to talk to people, greet them, and all that.”

“That’s something for you and Ernst to do.

I’m not exactly in a normal position, so there’s no need for me to bother with any of that.”

“…Hmm.”

“Don’t look at me with that pitying gaze. It’s subtly unpleasant.”

“Sorry.”

There’s no need to apologize.

Anyway, today’s going to be a wonderful day.

“A wonderful day…?”

“Yes. I get to leave that wretched house and wander around freely for once.”

Speaking of which, when I meet Ernst, I should ask how big the kitten has gotten.

If Mother were gone, maybe I could keep one at home too.

Anyway, I spent some time exchanging meaningless banter with Aria before we eventually parted ways.

Once the ball began, music filled the ballroom.

Normally, I hated the clumsy waltzes they played, but today, for some reason, the tunes sounded cheerful and lively.

It must be because the music awkwardly shifted between polka and waltz—neither here nor there.

If that’s the case, they might as well play jazz; it’d be less grating.

Time continued to pass.

Perhaps because I was unusually cheerful today, many men came to ask me to dance, but I declined them all.

There’s no reason to cling to each other and twirl around when we’re not even friends.

Afterward, women began to approach.

They said they’d never imagined they’d see me smiling like this, always so stern-faced and lifeless-looking as I was.

They came forward with such remarks but quickly stepped back when I treated them like idiots.

Most of them were fools or low-ranking nobles, so there was no need to pay them much attention.

I don’t need to surround myself with people like that.

When five songs had passed, I went to the terrace on the far left.

There, a couple was embracing, their lips locked in a kiss.

They seemed on the verge of going much further.

The man noticed me and froze.

“…What are you doing here?”

“Leave. I have someone to meet here.”

When he asked who I was waiting for, I replied, “Ernst.”

He nodded and left.

I’d memorized the faces of the important guests here, so I knew there wouldn’t be any fallout from chasing him off.

Sure, I might be a fool, but Ernst isn’t, so this was fine.

I chewed a pill and a painkiller dry, without water.

And that herb-scented medicine the old man gave me—I took that too.

It was disgustingly bitter but not unbearable.

After another song ended, Ellie entered the terrace.

“Sister…?”

“I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Where’s Ernst?”

“Hmm, he’ll be here soon, I suppose.”

Ellie nodded and leaned against the railing by the window.

It felt a little premature, but I spoke up.

“Ellie.”

“What?”

“Am I really your sister?”

“Well, of course. You’re my sister.”

“That’s not what I mean. I’m asking if I deserve to be treated as your sister.”

“…I suppose I’ve been pretty harsh on you.”

“I thought so.”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine. I didn’t care that much.”

“It’s just that, when we were younger, I envied how you were better than me at everything…”

From there, Ellie started rambling about this and that—how things had been since childhood, all the petty grievances she’d held onto.

I didn’t pay much attention.

I just nodded occasionally and smiled.

When Ellie finally began apologizing again, I moved closer and hugged her.

Come to think of it, I’ve never heard Ellie tell me she loves me.