Misadventures Incorporated

My second life, I lived as a prodigious prince in the age of black powder.

Born to a rich and powerful king, I found myself wanting for nothing. The only reason I got off my ass was because I knew that she was waiting.

I put all my time into training.

But I fell in my first battle.

Weak and unascended, my sword and I stood no chance against a hail of bullets.

___

"And that concludes the battle's analysis. Again, ladies and gentlemen, that was Tiberius the Undying and Throgg the Left. I'd like to thank them both, on all of our behalf, for their insights and explanations." Claps and cheers boomed through the arena, echoing for the better part of five minutes before dying down again. "Both the battle and its accompanying analysis will continue to be replayed throughout the day if you wish to remain in the ring, but there will be no additional state-sanctioned content. Thank you all for attending the opening ceremony for Valencia's 1067th summer festival, and I hope you will enjoy the city and its sights throughout the celebration. As a reminder, the first battle in the Cadrian-Vel'khan proxy war will occur on the morning of the third day. The pre-show begins at eight hundred hours sharp, and the duel itself is slated for approximately an hour thereafter. Please see your tickets or the posted schedule for details. The colosseum's staff will be happy to assist if you have any further questions."

In another country, the crowd likely would have started filing out as soon as, or perhaps even before the announcement, but few showed any sign of leaving their seats. Even the foreigners, who'd started standing up, soon returned as they took note of the locals' behaviour.

Having maintained a respectful silence for most of the battle and analysis, the observers finally cut loose and began discussing their impressions with their neighbours. Had the public any more knowledge of the fighters' battle records, the talk might have been centred around the discrepancy between their theoretical and actual performance. But since their abilities were mostly off-record, the crowd talked instead of their still-hidden cards.

The VIPs did not quite mirror the behaviour. Though there were a few still excitedly chatting amongst themselves, most were long done with their discussions. The average level in the booth was high enough for most to get the gist of the battle without any additional explanation. The few incapable of perception happily feigned it. Even if their relative weakness was common knowledge, they were too proud to admit it before their peers.

It wasn't long before the special guests began departing. After all, unlike the commonfolk, who were free to spend the rest of the day enjoying the event, the high nobility had to prepare for an evening's worth of work; the king was hosting a party and anyone with half a brain cell was sure to spend it negotiating and socializing with their peers.

Of course, that wasn't to say that they simply forgot their manners. Every guest to depart first greeted the three monarchs that had attended the duel, checked in with their close contacts, and made a few evening appointments before stepping out the door.

The Northern Brigade, or specifically the queen of Vel'khan, was one of those swarmed with meeting requests, courtesy of Sylvia's demonstration. Nobles of all shapes and sizes were dying to do business with the nation whose tagalong remained undefeated. Not only that, everyone subjected to her songs' effects still suffered from some degree of insanity. Not even the Kryddarian king, the only priest over a thousand on the continent, was capable of removing the effect.

While Arciel and Chloe were stuck dealing with politics, the rest of the delegation made itself scarce. They quickly hopped onto a coach and headed back up to their suite. Specifically, they entered the part of it installed shortly after their arrival. It was a small annex to the building, a room sticking out of the castle's side that made little structural sense. And in fact, if the laws of physics were allowed to have their way, it certainly would have long collapsed.

The attachment, after all, was a full-sized gymnasium wherein the brigade could practice without having to worry about any prying eyes. It was created not by any feat of engineering, but the terraformer brought into the room by the castle staff.

"So is it just me, or does that status display thing completely fuck like half our plans?" Jules was the first to speak. A big frown on his lips, he towed with his wand as he leaned forward and propped his face up on a fist.

"The element of surprise will go out the window if they show our classes," agreed Krail. "In the first place, that feels like a bit of a violation of privacy. I'd much rather keep that to myself."

"Definitely," agreed Lana.

"Wait, really?" asked Sylvia. "'Cause most high level elves can pretty much see what you are anyway."

"There are actually quite a few skills that will do that," said Allegra. "Monsters have a version, elves have another, and there's even an identify spell that spits out even more detail. I'm pretty sure that's the core he's built the device around, in fact."

"Identify? That piece of shit? Really?" Jules cocked a brow. Identify was the sort of spell that no one in their right mind would commit to memory, let alone pull out in battle. It was an expensive, slow-acting spell that required extensive observation. And worse yet, the target would immediately be notified by anyone trying to cast such a magic, assuming the spell was even powerful enough to break through the defenses afforded by their spirit stat. "How the heck would Identify keep up with a fast-moving target?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," said Allegra. "But it's the only one I can think of that'll also output health and mana."

"Either way, we'll need to rethink our plans. I do think we can probably keep the core idea," said Krail.

"It's solid," agreed Lana.

Both Jules and Krail had planned to keep entire schools of magic hidden from the Cadrians. The idea was to catch their opponents off guard by obscuring a powerful spell whilst feigning an all-out attack. Ideally, the target would be too distracted with the barrage to recognize the new school as a threat and fall as a direct result. It was a classic strategy; pure mages often employed similar ploys when facing foes that knew little about them.

"Fuckin' hell. I guess we just have to fall back on praying that we can cast faster than they can parry," said Jules.

"That should be a last resort," said Allegra. "We're probably going to want to work on your openers. With any luck, they might just be good enough to instantly decide the battle."

"Against those fuckers? Yeah, no," said Jules, with a grumble. "They literally disqualified every pure mage because none of them could blast fast enough to get through their defenses. No way any of my shit is making the cut."

"That Gladora woman is especially difficult to deal with," said Krail. "I don't know how many points she's invested in spirit, but it's a lot. She almost didn't seem to feel it, even when spells hit her dead-on. She reminds me of this one group I fought in my travels. They were geared in highly protective, magic-resistant armour that completely negated all of my spells."

"I swear to the fucking gods, Krail. Are you talking about the Cadrians we fought on our way up north? Because we were literally fucking there. That was this party."

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"Oh, right. I guess it was," said the elf, with a knowing smile. "I guess I don't have to remind us that we managed to beat them, then."

"Barely counts," said Lana.

"Right, I remember hearing about that incident," said Allegra. "That's the main reason you need to have a few spells that leverage physical phenomena instead of directly reproducing them, like the diamond cage I showed you the other week."

"I mean, I'm trying, but it isn't exactly easy, coming up with something like that in short order," said Jules. "And it's hard to beat shooting high pressure water blasts."

"I haven't had much luck either," said Krail.

"It's easier with some elements than others. It's also half the reason the rarer schools are as valuable as they are," said Allegra.

"Thanks, Allegra. That's real fucking useful." Jules crossed his arms, sighed, and leaned back on his shell.

"Sorry." She forced a smile. "The best way to deal with your current conundrum is probably to tailor a spell meant specifically for your opponent. It won't take as long, and with the right approach, you might even be able to come up with something of a perfect counter."

"Yeah, I dunno if we're that good at formulation."

"Normally, I'd probably hand you a book and tell you to figure it out, but with how little time we have, I guess we don't really have much of a choice." The rabbit tipped her hat forward and twisted her lips into a smile. "Leave it to me. I'll handle all the theory and encoding. All I'll need you two to do is practice until you've got it down."

"You're going to make us spells?" Jules raised a brow. "How long's that going to take?"

"I'll get something sketched out for Krail's by tomorrow. We can tweak the details then. Yours will be another day or two after."

"Seriously? It's only going to take you two fucking days? Isn't it supposed to take months, at least?"

"They don't call me the Grand Magus for nothing."

"What, exactly, are you thinking? In terms of the spells' functions, I mean," asked Krail.

"Let's see…" Allegra lightly thumped her foot against the floor as she thought. "You're going to be up against Gladora. She's not from Valencia exactly, but she has quite the reputation. She's ridiculously strong and has more tricks up her sleeve than I'd like, but your biggest problem is going to be dealing with her speed." She raised a paw and quickly drew a magic circle in the air. Another quick sweep was all it took to flood it with runes and sigils, which she rearranged at breakneck speed. "The traditional approach would be to just flood the whole arena with whatever element magic you use, but that probably won't work with you being an arrow mage. It'd make more sense for you to go the other route and make something that won't require your input. Hell, while we're at it, we might as well make it so it keeps up with her on its own. We'll want to focus on durability and recoverability, which means it'll need a constant supply of magic, but that'll mean it'll end up being her stamina versus yours…"

She took a moment to look at the mage and cast Identify.

"But with that much mana, it might just work. I'll probably have to optimize it a little more so it doesn't drain as much, but it should work out."

"Sorry, Allegra. You've completely lost me," said Krail, as he stared at the magic circle. "Is this supposed to be… a golem spell?"

"Kind of, but not exactly," she said. "I was thinking that your best bet would be to make a small swarm of intelligent arrows with just enough mass to overpower her. A golem spell seemed like it'd probably be the best base if we wanted to make them somewhat intelligent. We could preprogram them with a bunch of routines and reactions so that they can keep him pinned down even without your input."

"That sounds kinda neat," said Sylvia. "So they're kinda like guardians that also attack and stuff?"

"Yes. I'm thinking we'll spawn six. We can have two on standby to make sure that Gladora doesn't push through and put the remaining four on offense."

"Holy shit," said Jules. "That circle looks mostly complete. Did you really just put the spell together in two fucking minutes?"

"This is just a prototype. As it stands, it eats too much mana and lacks a lot of the necessary autonomy. I'm planning to optimize its consumption. With any luck, we should be able to get it down to net zero, if we take his regeneration into account." She brought a hand to her chin. "On second thought, this alone might not be enough. We'll probably want to split the offensive and defensive halves. They can be derived from the same base, but we'll want to implement different interfaces. The defensive one can be more or less to the previous spec, but maybe a little less aggressive. We'd probably only need two or three. Maybe four to be safe? But then it might eat too much mana."

"You've lost me again," said Krail.

"You're best off ignoring the stupid traitor when she's like this." Claire joined the conversation as she entered the room through a newly formed portal. "Or always. Probably always."

"You're back!" Sylvia immediately leapt onto Claire's head and found a seat atop her deerstalker hat. "What's with the outfit?"

"Ignore it. It was for a bad joke." Claire quickly changed into a summer dress and sat down with all the others. "I don't think you really need a direct counterspell to begin with. You're better off finding a way to cast fast enough to overcome her speed."

"You know. Just last year, I would've been weirded the fuck out by the fact that you somehow knew exactly what we were talking about," grumbled Jules.

Claire laughed. "It wouldn't be a problem if you weren't so easy to read."

"Oh, fuck off. Name one person that you can't figure out at a glance."

"Flux, Goddess of the Eternal Flow."

"Yeah, no. Gods don't fucking count."

"My father."

"Not really sure he's the best benchmark either," said Jules.

"Unfair," said Lana.

"My mother, then."

"Yeah, ain't nobody going to fucking read a gravestone," said Jules.

Claire heaved an exaggerated sigh. "You can't just shoot down everyone I name. That just isn't reasonable."

"Says the chick cherrypicking the most fucking impossible examples."

"You see, Claire, this is why you need mind reading magic!" said Sylvia. "It makes it way way easier to figure out what people are thinking."

"Mind reading isn't as effective as what I do."

"There's no way that's true!" said Sylvia. "I can literally tell exactly what people are thinking!"

"Want to bet on it?"

Sylvia blinked. "I have a bad feeling about this, but alright. How about we see who's better at reading Lana?"

The two halfbreeds turned to the wolf girl, who only tilted her head in response.

"Okay, me first!" said Sylvia. "She's thinking about snacks. Specifically, a big sponge cake doused in chocolate, with a couple drunken cherries on top. Right, Lana?"

Lana nodded. "I had seven slices. While we were watching the battle."

"See? I literally got all the details!" said Sylvia. "I can even see the big bubbles in the cakey bits."

Claire took a moment to look between the fox and the wolf, her eyes slightly narrowed. "That's not wrong. But you missed the existential horror lurking in the back of her mind. She actually hates herself for how much she likes snacks because she recognizes that all she's doing is satisfying a base desire preprogrammed into her body. It's not actually really a part of her, as an individual. Not to mention, she's only thinking about snacks in the first place because she's trying to distract herself from the fact that all her looting and plundering was for nothing and her axe is stained with far too much civilian blood for her to be worthy of representing Vel'khan."

"Uhm… Claire? I don't think it really counts as reading her mind if you're just making her think what you're saying."

"I didn't make her think anything. I just dug up what was already there."

"Snacks…" said Lana, dejectedly.

"What the heck, Claire! Look at how sad you made her!"

"Relax. She'll be fine the moment she remembers the peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies she had this morning, especially with how good they were, once they were dipped in milk."

"Snacks!" said Lana.

"See?"

"Yeah uhmm… I still don't think you're reading her, so much as manipulating her," said Sylvia.

"That's basically the same thing."

"Uhhh… right. Sure it is."

"You know it." A giggle on her lips, Claire pulled the fox off her head and gave her a squeeze. "Enough being silly," she said. "We need to get ready for the party. It starts in half an hour."