Misadventures Incorporated

A centaur in a set of simple robes hummed a lazy tune as she took a pair of pruning scissors to an overgrown shrub. It was late at night; the moon was directly overhead, raining its rays down upon the world below. Even beneath her pale light, the garden glowed an undeniable green. During springtime, the greenery was filled with Primrose's magic, and those planted on holy ground were especially virile. Seasonal fruit trees could produce a harvest once every two weeks and flowers could go from seedling to bloom in a matter of hours. Hence, the need for constant attention.

The bushes planted around the temple's perimeter needed to be trimmed every ninety minutes if they wanted to look even remotely presentable. A more ideal set of circumstances would have had their work done on thirty minute intervals, but the temple was far too understaffed.

It wasn't like Cadrians didn't worship Primrose. Just like farmers across the globe, Cadrian agriculturalists would recite the goddess' name during the spring festival, request another year of good harvest, and perform any rituals that she demanded. And yet, despite her near-universal appeal, they thought her a minor deity; few dedicated themselves to her worship long-term.

The followers she did have were highly devout, however, for they knew of her importance and understood that it was she who allowed their nation to prosper. Without the bread basket that was the western plain, Cadria would lose the fuel it needed to raise such powerful warriors. Hence, the extra care that went into each branch's pruning.

The priestess, whose silky black hair danced with every step, took measured cuts, trimming the trees in precisely such a manner that it would be difficult for them to regrow. The intent was not to harm them, but to buy herself as much time as possible before she needed to loop back around.

Such was life every spring.

In the many long years that she'd spent in her goddess' service, Alexa Maea Decimus had long grown accustomed to such requirements. She didn't know exactly how long it was—the many years that'd passed all blended together as one. The only thing she could say for certain was that her technique was ever improving. Just a few decades prior, she'd needed to venture out once every two hours instead. And a few centuries before that, she was on the aforementioned thirty minute cycle, desperately fighting back the shrubbery as it threatened to eat the temple alive.

The whole thing seemed like an exercise in insanity, but if anything, Alexa found it to be soothing. Trimming the shrubs had always been her favourite pastime and the added time-based element had only enhanced her enjoyment.

Perhaps in a few more years, she would be able to buy herself four hours. And if she kept working at it, then maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to afford a full night's rest.

A smile crossed her lips as she entertained the impossible delusion, only to vanish as she caught sight of a dancing shadow. She spun around with a sigh and faced the man in question. He was a frog—not a grug, but an ordinary amphibian that looked as if it'd been sourced straight from a local pond. She never would have been able to pick it out of a crowd.

And yet, she knew it was him. No other frog could have possibly hopped up the path, stopped just outside the range, and given her such a lucid, expectant stare. And no other frog would have waited for her to turn around before loosing an irritatingly loud ribbit.

"What is it this time?" she asked, with an exaggerated sigh.

"Ribbit," croaked the frog.

Alexa put her hands on her hips and breathed a sigh. "Use Marish, you dolt. You know I don't speak frog."

"Ribbit."

"For the love of the gods… Why do I even put up with you?" The priestess raised a hand to her brow and shook her head.

"Ribbit."

"I'm not learning frog, Constantius. It's bad enough that you made me learn cat."

"Ribbit."

"Oh, fuck you." The woman was all smiles, despite her constant complaining. She even set down her scissors and crouched next to the frog, so she could better meet its gaze. "How've you been? I swear it's been years since we've talked."

"Ribbit."

"You can knock that off now..."

"Ribbit."

Pouting, the Primrose devotee lightly jabbed the frog in the stomach, prompting it to croak angrily before turning around, hopping away, and leaving her completely bewildered. Furrowing her brow, she got back up and started after it, only to stop as it was scooped up by a pair of thick, calloused hands. It struggled at first, but settled down as a wave of magic washed through its mind and overwrote its thoughts.

The priestess froze as she saw the man's face. Her mouth fluttered open and closed as her heart threatened to beat out of her chest.

It'd been so long since she saw him in person.

"Wait. That frog wasn't already tamed!?"

"Nope," he said, with a chuckle.

"Then why the hell was it looking at me so purposefully!?"

"Hell if I know."

"You could've said something at least!"

"I didn't want to interrupt your conversation."

"God, you're such a jerk." Alexa pouted. Thankfully, she'd ascended far enough that the expression wasn't unnatural; she'd mostly retained her youthful look. Sure, she didn't quite appear as she had in her teens—a thousand years was a long, long time for anyone that wasn't immortal—but at the very least, she didn't look a day past thirty.

"You say that whenever it's inconvenient." Constantius laughed as he set the frog back down and allowed, or perhaps ordered, it to hop into the bushes.

"Well, it's true."

"I'm sure it is." The moose threw open his arms with a cocky grin. Alexa hated how confident he was, but she didn't allow the displeasure to stop her from rushing into his embrace, pressing her head to his chest, and wrapping her arms around his waist.

Her body relaxed as she breathed in the almost nostalgic scent. But only until she recalled how long it'd been since they last rested in each other's arms. Her smile twisting into a scowl, she clenched as hard as she could, squeezing with so much force that there was an audible crunch. Constantius grimaced, but forced a smile and bore with the pain, even as she shattered his bottom ribs, dislocated his spine, and nearly separated his humanoid upper half from its cervidian base.

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"I missed you."

"Me too."

They rarely made contact. And even when they did, it was always through one of his familiars. Neither could remember how long it'd been since they'd met in person; Alexa would only be put in danger if anyone ever uncovered the link between them. It was by no means because their relationship was debauched. Primrose required no oath of purity. If anything, her devouts were encouraged to sow their seeds and spread them far and wide. But the two had never crossed the line.

There was a small but sure probability that such an act would birth a child and they could afford no such risk, perhaps even one that bore the phantom blood. Neither was so foolish as to allow a night of passion to ruin a thousand years of planning.

"Think you can let go now?" wheezed Constantius.

"I'd rather not."

She backed away regardless, and with a soft, sad smile, met the silver cervitaur's gaze. He was exactly as she remembered him. His hair was wild and disheveled. His goatee looked as out-of-place as ever, and his kitten-blue eyes still held the same mischievous sparkle they had during their first encounter. His clothes were the only things that differed. The officer's uniform he'd always been stuck with had been traded for a carefully tailored suit. It wasn't colourful or dotted with accessories, as was the modern style, but plain, black, and old fashioned. Just as she had always preferred.

She, on the other hand, was stuck in the usual habit. They were hardly a fitting pair. She knew that. She'd always known that. But she didn't let it deter her.

"What's the occasion?"

"I wanted to see you."

"Bullshit." Alexa lightly punched the man's arm. She would've liked to hit his shoulder, but the height difference made it far too awkward. Though she was tall for a centaur, the moose still stood nearly half a meter taller.

"Hey, it's true," he said, with a smirk. "I mean, sure, I had a few ulterior motives, but nothing worth mentioning." The moose ran his fingers over a half-pruned shrub. She thought for a moment to humour his stalling, but kept her mouth shut and waited until he continued. "I hate to ask this of you, especially after all this time. But it's looking like you'll have to take the stage." He bit his lips. "It should be safe. But…"

"Don't worry." She smiled as she took one of his hands in hers and slowly locked their fingers together. "I trust you."

"I know."

"Just tame me, if you're that worried."

"You know I could never." He returned a squeeze of his own.

"It's fine."

"I don't want to be able to control you."

"It doesn't make a difference."

"It does."

Alexa sighed. She knew he was stubborn. She'd known that he was stubborn from the first time they met. In public, he'd always pretend that he'd never loved her, that he had no interest in pursuing the relationship that his parents had arranged. He was the one who suffered most from the ruse. Sure, there were times where she felt like they'd missed out, given up on opportunities she would have wanted to take. But if anything, she'd found it entertaining.

He was so clumsy.

She couldn't help but spot the little gaps in his mask, the moments where his gaze lingered too long, or perhaps contained just a little too much emotion.

Even more delightful was the way that his brother never noticed. Almost everyone else eventually deciphered the nature of their relationship. But through to the end, Virillius, the man for whom the deception was worn, never uncovered the truth.

Perhaps, she ought to be thanking his density. It was the only reason that she'd lived—rather than condemning her as Constantius' fiance, Virillius had extended his heartfelt condolences for bearing with the abusive relationship and offered his aid in seeking a better partner. And perhaps, it wouldn't have been too hard to find a fitting mate. After all, Alexa was one of the nation's most powerful commanders, a thrice-ascended warlord primed to take her father's position. But she refused. She instead played by her lover's script and feigned shame, citing her inability to see through or stop his schemes, and sentenced herself to a temple that served an unpopular goddess.

And so she stalled, waiting as the days ticked by and speaking to Constantius only in secret.

A few hundred years was all it took for the public to forget her, and another few for the nobility to give up on her use. It helped that, publicly, she only ever worked to further the temple's—Primrose's—agenda. She didn't pursue any personal gain. Eventually, she gained the ability to take long sabbaticals without attracting attention. And that was when she finally began to train, to build up her personal power anew, so she could perhaps live just as long as her chosen mate.

"Follow me," she said, as she started off towards the chapel. "I'll make you a nice tea, steeped from some of Primrose's finest chrysanthemums. I'll make the usual too, of course."

"The usual?" he said, with a chuckle. "I don't know if you can even call it that. It was always the maids that did the cooking."

"Don't worry. I still remember how they made it," she said. "Or have you forgotten how to trust me, in the however many years it's been?"

"I'm not really sure that trust is the problem." Constantius followed her into the temple with a smile. He didn't hesitate for a moment to follow her straight into the kitchen. The moose had already ordered his many mosquitoes, cockroaches, and rats to check on the temple's other members and ensure that they remained unconscious throughout.

Another group of summons covered for Alexa's work in the meantime. Most were inconspicuous—beavers, termites, and leafcutter ants made up the bulk of the freshly-summoned army—but so too was there the occasional oddball. A sentient ball of water and a bolt of electricity in the shape of a bird took turns consuming large swaths of bush, both happy to gorge themselves on the delicious leaves.

The priestess didn't even bother looking at the army. She was familiar enough with Constantius' antics that it didn't even strike an impression.

"It's just been so long," he said, with a faint smile. "So, so long that I don't know if I still remember the taste."

"What's this about? Are you feeling lonely?"

"Would you comfort me if I said I was?"

"I'd think about it." She threw on an apron and walked behind the kitchen island. There was already a pile of vegetables sitting on top of it, broccoli, carrots, potatoes, squash, tomatoes—any sort of crop that could reasonably be grown in a garden could be found atop the counter.

Alexa grabbed the nearest knife, a massive meat cleaver, and gave it a quick twirl to evaluate its balance. Half a second later, and all the vegetables were perfectly peeled, diced, and julienned. The mare hummed as she grabbed a large pot and filled it with water. Over a flame, it would have needed half an hour to boil, but she cut that down to just two seconds by way of violent shaking.

Only then did she set it down over a freshly lit fire and start throwing the vegetables inside. That part, she did slowly, just like the stirring that followed. She'd already saved all the time she possibly could; there was nothing she could do but sit around and wait for the vegetables to cook if she wanted them to have the right taste and texture.

She wouldn't have to get started on the side dishes until everything else was almost done, so she returned to the island and sat down on one of the stools with her elbows on the counter holding up her face. She didn't say anything and simply stared, carefully examining the man for whom she'd waited a thousand years. He was trying not to show it, but he was tired, completely exhausted by the need to consciously exert control over the many creatures under his grasp. Even in his sleep, his mind was at work, spinning every thread to ensure that every creature obeyed every order. To both their dismays, it was mandatory. Many of the more intelligent creatures under his thumb were sure to commit suicide the moment he loosened their strings, and some of the government figures he controlled very well might have blabbed about their situations. Of course, they could never explicitly state that he'd tamed them—that would go against the contract forcibly written into their minds—but they could always find other ways to disclose their dilemmas.

"How long are you staying?" asked Alexa, after a moment of silence.

"Just until things settle down in Valencia," he said. "I have to lay low until my brother's done fighting his kid."

"Maybe you can take over and maintain the temple while I'm away then."

"I'll think about it," muttered the moose. He knew he was going to do it either way. Anything that made her happy, he was willing to jump right on. Alexa knew that as well and promptly met his grumble with a giggle.

"So?" she asked, after another pause.

"So what?"

"Who do you think is going to win? Between Virillius and his daughter?"

"Virillius, hands down," said Constantius, with a snort. "Claire's grown a lot stronger, especially lately, but she doesn't hold a candle to her father."

"Even though she's slain a god?"

"Even then." Constantius clasped his fingers together and leaned over the kitchen island. "She will never defeat him."