Losing My Religion

Lily

We stepped into the restaurant and I was immediately overwhelmed. 

There was the server greeting us, a dark green skinned demon that was athletically androgynous – their chest being right on the line between coming across as pecs and as breasts, their face being intimidatingly sharp, and their silhouette daring me to try to put them into human categories. 

Then there was the restaurant itself. The room was styled after the inside of a cave, the moody lighting accomplished by magic candles scattered across the dimly lit grey walls. The tables were yellow wood, but were much, much thicker than I’d have expected, giving my Earthian sensibilities a Viking vibe. Each circular table had its own cubby hole in the wall, with a stone – or faux stone, I couldn’t tell – bench curving around it. 

Last was the people inhabiting the room. Thankfully, I didn’t see my mother yet, something that would’ve surely driven my overstimulated mind over the edge, but what I did see wasn’t much easier to comprehend. Each of the occupied tables were stuffed to the brim with guests and unrecognizable food, the jovial energy of them contained by some kind of magic, maintaining the refined atmosphere in the main restaurant, although they were still barely audible. 

Our server took us to a table, swishing their thin, furry tail behind them as they walked. I sat huddled up against Katie on one side and open space on my other, while Katie was next to Kelith and Edith. 

I nodded along to everyone else asking for water, and hesitantly examined one of the waxy paper menus in front of us. 

What in the Hell is a ghoul sandwich? Or a foxtail? I stared, utterly baffled, at the foreign items in front of me. While my magical language comprehension helped for words and ideas I already understood, it didn’t provide much context to things I didn’t.

Katie, just as confused, turned to the other two, “Is this supposed to be a Halloween themed restaurant?”

“What’s Hallo–” Kelith’s question was interrupted by everyone’s focus shifting to a newcomer.

At first, out of the corner of my eye, I’d thought that a different server was there to ask us if we were ready to order, but after I saw everyone else’s expectant stares, I turned to reevaluate. 

My mother was almost identical to me. She had the same colorations as I did, except that her skin was just a tinge bluer, her eyes a shade pinker, and her hair lighter. She shared my shorter, curvier stature, but while I wore my body with a reserved shyness, she had all of the confidence and maturity I didn’t. Her horns were also much longer, curling almost a full hand-length up behind her head, to the point where I wondered if she ever accidentally hit things on them. 

She wore a black dress, but where mine was frilly and lacy, hers was plain and soft, the high neckline and short length covering more skin than the majority of demons I’d seen around town, but still being well outside my comfort zone for polite company.

Her mouth was hanging open, revealing her pointed fangs as she stared at me in disbelief. “Is that really you? My– my child?”

When I slowly nodded, she picked me up out of the booth in a flash of movement, hugging me tightly and letting my shoes dangle off the ground. “Oh, my baby!” She turned back and forth, shaking and squeezing my dazed form. “I’m so sorry, sweetie, I didn’t know…”

When she finally put me back down, I stared up at her crying face, realizing she was ever so slightly taller than me, blinking away my confusion. “What do you mean?” I’d forgotten in the surprise of the initial reveal, but Edith had said something similar when we’d first met.

My mother wiped her tears, patted me on the head, and faced our table, where the other three were watching us intently. “Just a second Lil, why don’t you introduce me to your sister before we get into the more unpleasant topics.”

“Um, this is Katie, my little sister.” I didn’t know what else to say.

“Hmm. Do you want a hug too Katie?” Zamira watched an exchange of looks between Katie and I before welcoming Katie into her arms, hugging her with more composure, but no less enthusiasm, “So are you two half-sisters?” she eyed Katie hesitantly.

I shook my head, clinging close to Katie as she was released. “She’s my girlfriend’s little sister.”

“We’re all adopted anyways,” Katie clarified, “None of us are related to our mom.”

We sat back down, me sandwiched between Katie and Mom, and Edith moving to our side of the table to sit by her wife. Both of my seat-neighbors stayed close to me as Zamira exchanged greetings with her wife and mother-in-law, before it was finally time for some answers.

“So,” Mom started, “When I left the human world – and I’ll explain that in a minute – I thought I was leaving behind my manipulative sister, a husband that despised me, and my human child. It’s rare for demons to be born to demon-human couples on earth, just as it's rare for humans to be born the same way in Hell – not to mention how hard it is for demons to get pregnant in the first place. If I’d have known…” Another round of tears escaped her, and Edith handed her a handkerchief, doting on Zamira with an abundance of concern.

“Oh,” I let out. 

That’s it?

Discomfort swirled in my stomach as my thoughts stuttered, unable to fixate completely on my mother’s sadness or my own feelings about the new information. 

Would it be weird to hug her? I don’t really know her at all, even if we look identical. 

How am I supposed to feel about that? I already decided that her reason for leaving doesn’t matter at the end of the day, so it’s not important whether she was justified or not, although I still don’t understand why she left in the first place.

But I should forgive her, right? As silly as it is to follow the teachings of Jesus as a demon in Hell, I still feel that it’s the right thing to forgive her.

It’s just… I really wish that logic worked on this horrible tightness in my chest.

Katie stepped in with her own question, “Why didn’t you ever come back to check on her?” 

After Mom wiped her tears and blew her nose, she was finally ready to begin again, delivering with an even tone despite the pain still in her expression. “I’ll get there, I promise. Let me start from the beginning,” she sighed, resting her hand on Edith’s on the table, “When my sister was banished from Hell…”

 

Amber

“It all began when I was banished from Hell.”

That was how my mother started her story, leaning over the brightly coloured table with her elbows propping up her clasped hands. Sophia and I watched her closely, hand-in-hand under the table, desperate for information and wary of trickery.

She continued, “Let’s just say that after what happened in Hell I was no stranger to violence, and when I came to Earth, vengeful and full of magic, the supernatural underbelly of this city was an open playground.”

Our waitress returned with our food, and for the briefest moment I saw a look of disdain on my mother’s face before it morphed back to her usual impassive stare, skipping all of the motion in between. “As I was saying, I made a name for myself, utilizing my magic to amass power, and starting my research on ways to return home.”

At our wide eyes, she huffed a bitter laugh, no amusement in her expression, “Yes, I was ambitious back then. But, of course, I know better now and I have no intentions to return – I’ve found everything I need in our coven,” she let out a small smile.

A shiver washed over me, and I had to consciously unclench my hand from Sophia’s to avoid hurting her. 

“So eventually, my little sister came to visit to lecture me on morality and rub in my face how free she was, not being banished and all.” Despite the lack of emotiveness, a scoff still came through. 

I glanced down at the cooling pizza, wondering if it would somehow be inappropriate to start eating.

My mother continued, completely ignoring her meal, “Little Zamira stayed for a while, flittering around and accomplishing nothing but annoying me, eventually shacking up with a human of all things – and that’s when I had a breakthrough in my research…”

 

Lily

“I’d been there a while, but no matter what I said, Scarlet just wouldn’t budge,” Mom sighed, exasperated at the memory of her older sister.

I glanced across the room at our server, wondering if the sizzling dish they were carrying was my meal. They strode by on their way to another table.

I’m so confused; I have no idea what my aunt has to do with Mom leaving me behind.

“But at some point, while I was spending time among humans, I met your father, and…” Her eyes scrunched shut and she leaned back, supported by Edith.

Edith whispered in her ear, but Mom shook her head, continuing after a deep breath. “It was nice, at first – we really hit it off. He was so nice and respectful, always talking about loving your neighbor and forgiveness – he was like a demon stuck in a human’s body.”

I hid my skeptical expression. It was clear that she knew better now, but the idea that she’d ever thought he was…

I guess I’m no better; I listened to him for twenty years.

“I guess I might’ve rushed things – humans just have such short lives – and suddenly, instead of focusing on my sister, I was married and pregnant,” her face was long, glazed eyes on the table trying to recapture what had been lost, “I’d kept my nature hidden from him as a reflex – the first thing you’re told when you’re getting ready to travel to visit humans is to never reveal yourself – but, well… you’ll understand if you’re ever pregnant.”

I blinked. Oh, yea, almost forgot that was a thing.

“So I told him, and at first he was just shocked, he needed time to take it all in, but even after I gave him that time, things weren’t the same. He didn’t trust me, interrogated me anytime I’d been out of his sight – it was like he’d come back as a completely different person.”

She took a moment to blow her nose again and our server returned, finally revealing what Kelith had ordered for me.

I stared at the bowl in front of me, the clear glass not obscuring the lumpy sludge in the slightest. It was a grey mess with chunks of unidentifiable food(?) of various textures strewn about. I couldn’t tell if it was supposed to be porridge, soup, or some kind of meat in sauce. “Uhh…”

My mother, not even noticing our food had come, continued, “Raising you was so hard…”

 

Amber

“And if she made a single round-trip to Hell, I would’ve had everything I needed to complete my project. Her marriage was already falling apart because of course

it was, so I suggested she should take a vacation back home to get some much needed rest, but she was uncharacteristically stubborn,” my mother’s eyes lit up with momentary irritation, “until that fool approached me again, this time asking me to exorcize the demon possessing his wife.”

I munched on my pizza using my one available hand, eying Sophia out of the corner of my vision. She wasn’t eating, instead facing forwards with a wide-eyed stare. I scooted closer to her, trying to comfort her as my mother continued.

“When I revealed that, she finally listened to me, making preparations to leave. Of course, I needed to make sure she returned or it would all be for naught, and of course, she wouldn’t ever bother returning for me, so I told her I’d get her husband to come around, and she could return to her happy life.”

Sophia broke out of her stupor and nudged me, whispering in my ear, “I’m pretty sure Zamira is Lily’s mom…”

I spit out the pizza in my mouth, hunching over and coughing into my fist. 

What?!!?

I turned to eye Sophia accusatorily, not sure if I was asking if she was serious or why she hadn’t told me sooner. I shoved the distant implications of the information to the back of my mind, trying to focus on the story and taking in the new context.

“...and he needed something to latch onto while she was gone, so I told him there was a group of demons that were trying to infiltrate his church, and that I’d slay them for him, explaining all of the complications that came with killing a demon, how there would be no body to bury and everything.”

She shrugged, “Whether he believed me wasn’t that important; I just had to placate him until Zamira came back,” her posture shifted, a rare moment of vulnerability as she crossed her arms over her chest, “But she never did, the backstabbing cunt.”

“And you just told him she was dead?” Sophia filled in.

“It was just one name in a list of ones I’d actually killed – and she really is dead to me.”

“Huh,” I let out.

 

Lily

I picked at my meal with my spoon, the comforting flavors soothing my rebelling stomach. It was something in between curry and porridge, and the chunks appeared to be bits of fruits and vegetables native to Hell.

“At that point,” Mom said, “I’d made it back to Hell, sure, but I had nowhere to go, no one to rely on. I couldn’t return to Earth and trigger whatever scheme my sister had cooked up, and after over a year of my husband… Well it could’ve been worse, but…” 

Edith massaged the tops of her shoulders from behind, whispering in her ear. 

Zamira took in a shuddering breath and spoke, “I didn’t want to return to him, even if I could. It hurt so much to leave you behind, to leave Scarlet and my husband behind – even after everything she’d done… I wish I’d done more to fix things.”

Her wife whispered in her ear yet again, shaking her head this time. 

“But I don’t get it – you just left me behind? You didn’t try to tell the Hell police what your sister was trying to do or get someone else to check on me? You didn’t just take me with you?!” I pleaded, still pulling from my endless well of hurt.

Edith continued shaking her head, “Lily, your mother was not the person she is now when she left the humans. She was hurt and confused, and it took a long time for things to get better,” she sent me a pointed look, urging me to be more careful.

Mom started crying again, dabbing the wet handkerchief to her face, “No, she’s right – I knew I could’ve asked you to go check on her at some point, but I was scared.” Her sadness dried up as her self-hate ignited. “I thought that he would be as nice to her as he was to me when he’d thought I was human. I didn’t want to think about the slim possibility that she wasn't human, because that would reignite my hurt all over again – and that’s my fault for being weak.”

A tense silence settled over the table, Zamira waiting to hear me condemn her and everyone else waiting for me to tell her it wasn’t her fault.

But it kind of was.

“...”

I stared down at my food, something stuck in my stomach, deep and visceral. It was partially grief – the sadness of mourning what could’ve been – partially anger – anger at Scarlet, at my dad, and, most pressingly, the crying woman in front of me – and partially disappointment that Mom wasn’t as perfect as I’d imagined she was.

I could go on and on about all the ways she’d hurt me, the ways that her stupid decisions messed with my life, I could yell and scream, tell her that I hated her and she’d never earn my forgiveness – and for a brief moment it might feel pretty good.

But is that what I want – to hurt her because she hurt me? I closed my eyes, searching deep in my soul for what I was supposed to do. 

There wasn’t a single feeling in my heart telling me to forgive her.

I leaned in, wrapping my arms around her small frame. “I forgive you, Mom.”