NOVEL NEXT Announcement
Hi! It’s Gusher: everybody’s favorite perverted ghost who possesses a new host every week and uses their hands to write my filthy visions from beyond the grave.
The poll at the end of Chapter 33 was leaning in favor of keeping the ending and moving forward from there. The thing is, it really just wasn’t sitting right with me. Anonjohn20’s review brought up some great points and any editor would’ve told me the same thing. I got too ambitious and took some risks that didn’t pan out.
Some things are bound to end up on the cutting room floor, it just doesn’t happen publicly during the typical writing process. Before I began posting on here, I had 55 pages of an entirely different version of this story written. That version had a different magic system that made it a bit more of a Daily Grind fanfic. Basically, every jelly gave both a perk and a skill. When I realized this would make the characters way too powerful, way too fast, I had to abandon that version.
There are a lot of elements and characterizations I’ve never been able to get back, that I really loved. An important part of writing, though, is letting go. Sometimes you make a precious little baby and give it all of your love, only to end up needing to kill that baby and dump it in the river.
My point is, chapters 31-33 have rabies and it’s my job to take them out back and shoot them. There were things I really liked about them, and I’m sure many of you felt the same way. The pacing kicked up to 11, though, and I introduced way too many new elements too fast. Some of these elements may return, but only once they’ve been earned.
Plot structure demands that I don’t jam a bunch of extra climaxes in during the falling action, even if it’s kinkier that way. After Sabrina’s resurrection, what you as readers and these characters deserve is a chance to slow down and smell the flowers. It’s a time to focus on the story of these characters, rather than this world.
Thus, I have reported myself to the CIA (Canonical Integrity Agency). It might have been easier to simply rewrite it, but I thought it would be more fun to just integrate the real world’s timeline with an alternate one so I become a version of myself who wrote the correct ending.
Now fair warning: new timelines aren’t easy to come by, and this one is sort of a crappy hand-me-down. Reintegration should replace everyone’s memories, so everything should seem normal. Just in case, here are some important things to know about our new reality:
•In 2016, the launch of Pokémon GO and some frog memes tipped the scales to give us a reality-show host as a president, immediately followed by an actual corpse getting the Weekend At Bernie’s treatment for four years. For reference, in the correct timeline, Ms Piggie was elected in 2016 and is finishing her second term as we speak. It’s done wonders for the rights of Muppets, and the current front-runner to win in November is Fozzie Bear.
•Twitter is called X for some reason. Sort of sounds like a porn site, but whatever.
•When it comes to celebrities, someone accidentally turned on the “
Oops! All Pedophiles!” setting. That one’s a bummer. Just assume any actor or musician you previously liked is probably getting a tell-all documentary made about them.•The comedy Sinbad Shazaam no longer exists. Sinbad’s importance overall seems to have been greatly reduced in this timeline.
•The economy briefly centered around some sort of digital trading cards, which turned out to be a scam. Now, all chatbots and algorithms are being referred to as AI, which is the new basis for investment. I’m sure nobody will feel stupid about that in six months. Obvious the pog-based market we know and love is superior.
•Somehow, eating pussy is the leading cause of throat cancer in this timeline. I’m serious. Look it up. Like I fucking care. I eat dairy every day, and I’d rather call myself an IBS girlie than admit I’m lactose intolerant. I’ll go through a lot worse than cancer for my sacred right to serve the queen.
•For whatever reason, Chappell Roan hasn’t been made the Pope yet. Her tendency to lovingly say frociaggine, has strangely been inherited by Pope Francis.
•There’s a disturbing animal called giraffes. They have comically long necks, yet somehow they aren’t long enough to reach down for water. They have to like, splay out, and awkwardly overreach for it. I don’t even know why that would be a believable result of natural selection. Truly nonsense.
With that out of the way, Laundry Divers will resume, once the timeline reaches a minimum threshold of stabilization. Thank you for your patience.