Just A Friend

#33

Nam Seonwoo kept his mouth shut. It was the first time someone had acted so forcefully, and the fact that it was Kang Jihan made it even more confusing on how to react. His expression must have been quite strange, as Kang Jihan’s laughter grew louder. Nam Seonwoo glared at him and said,

“Stop saying useless things and say what you need to say. School starts tomorrow, and the mock exam is coming up soon. I’d rather solve one more problem than waste time like this.”

“I’ve been thinking,” Kang Jihan’s voice had lost its laughter as he began.

“As you said, the college entrance exam will be here soon, and after that…”

As his words trailed off, Nam Seonwoo examined his face. The playful dimples from earlier had disappeared. When his voice came out again after a while, it was much more subdued.

“We won’t be the kind of people who naturally see each other in the same classroom anymore.”

“…You’re talking as if we’ll become complete strangers after graduation.”

“Who knows. I don’t even know your home address, and we haven’t known each other as long as Park Gyuhyeon.”

The intense gaze fixed on him and Kang Jihan’s meaningful words were so clear, as if they had taken physical form, that Nam Seonwoo couldn’t pretend not to notice.

“…So what?”

Somehow, he felt he knew what Kang Jihan was trying to say. The emotion in those dark eyes hadn’t diminished; if anything, it had grown, making it impossible to meet his gaze without feeling guilty.

“What exactly do you want to do with me?” Nam Seonwoo asked reproachfully, feeling suffocated by that gaze.

He prepared responses in his mind, ready to counter with “Are you saying you want to date because you like me?” or “We’re in our third year of high school, do you have time for this?” as he waited for Kang Jihan’s answer.

“I want to hold your hand.”

But the answer that came back was far from what he expected.

“I want to see you without using studying as an excuse.”

“We’re, we’re doing that now.”

“But you won’t let me hold your hand.”

As Nam Seonwoo clenched his fist as if hiding his fingers, it felt like Kang Jihan’s gaze was physically prodding at the back of his hand.

“And…”

Unlike his intense eyes, his next words dissipated lightly into the air.

“If I said no one was home, you wouldn’t come over.”

“…”

Nam Seonwoo’s face flushed hot at the realization that Kang Jihan was already aware of how extremely cautious he was about being alone with him in his room.

“Besides cleaning for you or lending you coins, I can do better this time.”

At this unexpected remark, the image of Kang Jihan inserting a 100 won coin into a payphone and walking away flashed through Nam Seonwoo’s mind. The clinking sound of coins in the machine, the cleanly wiped classroom blackboard. And the praise note that only said ‘Good job’. That clumsy secret admirer from back then now revealed himself and said,

“So make me your secret admirer again.”

Not as a friend, but as a lover.

He should have realized from the moment Kang Jihan asked if he knew what “Manito” meant. Kang Jihan had cunningly used the concept of “Manito” in response to Nam Seonwoo’s words that he could be a friend but not a lover.

But more than that…

“…”

The request to make him a lover again, the promise to do better this time, sounded exactly like something the 34-year-old Kang Jihan would say… It felt strange. So strange, foolish, and pathetic that all these emotions seemed to be chaotically tangling below his throat, making him feel nauseous.

He knew it was a stupid thought. It was a fact he reminded himself of every time, that the Kang Jihan before him was not that Kang Jihan. Yet, this hot, churning feeling kept rising up his throat. Nam Seonwoo lowered his head as it finally overflowed, stubbornly flooding his eyes.

‘It’s almost as if…’

As if he had wanted to hear those words.

From that Kang Jihan who no longer existed.

“…I.”

His voice came out trembling miserably, so he cleared his throat. Only after swallowing hard a couple of times was he able to raise his head.

Looking at Kang Jihan’s face bathed in the setting sun, Nam Seonwoo voiced the question he had been wanting to ask all along.

“Why do you like me?”

He felt dazed at the words he had thoughtlessly blurted out. It was because he had heard something similar before.

‘Why do you like me?’

The day after they had spent the night together under the influence of alcohol, when he had hesitantly confessed his feelings, Kang Jihan had asked that.

What had he answered then? He remembered rambling incoherently at first. He could have listed countless reasons, but his mind had gone blank, not knowing which one to mention.

‘…Just because.’

So that’s how he had answered.

Your habitual expressions, your seemingly brusque but subtly kind and upright personality, your walk and way of speaking, your dimpled smile… I liked everything that made you who you are. He could have just said that, but back then, he had swallowed all sorts of words as if he were standing in front of an interviewer.

‘I just like you.’

In the silence that followed, he had briefly resented Kang Jihan. If you like someone, you just like them, why ask such a thing? He thought. But now, asking the same question himself, he seemed to understand the reason.

It was perplexing because he couldn’t understand, and on the other hand, he wanted to know. How much weight the words “I like you” carried.

“Just because.”

But why was Kang Jihan saying the exact same thing?

Now that even the creaking sound of the swing had stopped, only Kang Jihan’s voice and breathing echoed in his ears.

For a moment, he thought he understood. Why Kang Jihan had accepted his confession despite such a poor answer.

“I just like you.”

Because something beyond words was rippling in those straightforward eyes gazing at him.

“…”

Nam Seonwoo unknowingly held his breath. It wasn’t as if this was the first time Kang Jihan had expressed his liking, nor was he unaware of this fact. But the sincerity conveyed was different from that immature form that had pressured him like a child in the rain, making it impossible to answer hastily.

“Is it not okay?”

A voice seeking permission tapped the air. Only then did Nam Seonwoo realize his heart was beating too fast.

Kang Jihan was waiting for an answer. Feeling cornered, Nam Seonwoo finally opened his tightly closed lips.

“…Let’s say we date because we like each other right now. In the end, it’s a relationship that ends when we break up, what you want to do now.”

He could no longer pretend to back away from the uncontrollable fire spreading towards him. Still, he made one last struggle. Because he knew the end.

Even if the past didn’t repeat itself, the end could still be the same again. Just as intensely burning emotions eventually burn out completely, boredom or separation were natural processes in relationships.

“Are you saying this after thinking it through?”

So he asked. Whether being friends or lovers was the wiser choice, whether he was prepared for them to become strangers someday.

Kang Jihan’s brow furrowed slightly. With the face he used to make when he didn’t understand an English problem, he said,

“…I haven’t thought about breaking up.”

Nam Seonwoo bit his lower lip. He knew in his head. That he shouldn’t repeat a relationship with Kang Jihan this time either. Even if the beginning was different from back then, he knew he would be hurt more by how Kang Jihan would change someday. So he should refuse. But…

“Do we have to break up?”

At least right now, Kang Jihan likes me. Kang Jihan says he likes me.

Then isn’t it okay to give it a try?

“I’m confident I’ll never break up.”

Unless you dump me first. Adding that, Kang Jihan flashed that refreshing smile that Nam Seonwoo couldn’t take his eyes off. So unfairly.

“…What makes you so confident? You’re only nineteen.”

“If I’m only nineteen, why are you already thinking about breaking up?”

“…”

It was puzzling why he was so shaken by the words of someone who had only lived about half his age. Looking at the flame burning boldly before him, as if unaware it would eventually go out, made him feel like he had become nineteen again too.

Nam Seonwoo’s lips quivered. He didn’t have the strength to reject Kang Jihan. This might have been a battle with a predetermined outcome from the start. Just like fifteen years ago when he fell for Kang Jihan, his gaze always ended up on Kang Jihan, as if drawn by a magnet.

“Alright.”

Finally surrendering, Nam Seonwoo turned his gaze straight ahead. The sky was filled with a red glow. As he tried to hide the color of his face under it, he heard the swing creaking, and in an instant, the sunset disappeared completely.

Kang Jihan, standing with his back to the sunset, asked,

“Alright?”

Nam Seonwoo glared at Kang Jihan, who had even taken away the chance to hide his beet-red face, but Kang Jihan instead grabbed the swing ropes on both sides. Even when he tried to lean back as far as possible, his body tied to the swing had nowhere to go but towards Kang Jihan.

Looking at the red, shy face he had trapped in his own shadow, Kang Jihan grinned.

“So can I hold your hand?”

Nam Seonwoo’s eyes narrowed even more. With Kang Jihan showing no signs of backing down, Nam Seonwoo answered in an annoyed voice.

“No.”

“Why?”

“It’s too fast.”

“…”

“…What.”

“Then can I hug you?”

“As if.”

But for some reason, Kang Jihan’s dimples only deepened.

“That’s not fair. You let me do it last time.”

“…Are you not going to move?”

The hands pulling the swing ropes and the feet planted on the ground continued their standoff for a while. As the red area in the sky gradually narrowed, Kang Jihan let go first. Before he could open his mouth, Nam Seonwoo quickly cut in.

“Obviously, I’m not going to your house either.”

“My mom is-“

“Even if she’s there, I’m not going. School starts tomorrow, why would I go there? Stop saying useless things and let’s go.”