Inescapable Escapism

Ellie trembled as she stared at the soldier, her face a mask of terror. Her eyes darted towards our teachers, imploring them to help her. I wasn’t sure what she wanted them to do, but they were silent. Mr Darrel looked uncomfortable. He seemed to be debating saying something, but he didn’t intervene.

Finally, Ellie glanced back at the soldier. His expression was blank as he waited for her to do as he commanded. I expected him to say something or to repeat the instruction, but both he and the other soldier seemed content to just wait for Ellie to give in and step toward them.

It didn’t take long, luckily. She didn’t have many other options. We were alone in the bus bay. There was no one else who could intervene on her behalf, and she must have realised that because she took a deep breath, sending one final begging look towards Mr Darrel, and walked forward.

The soldier’s lips twitched up into a quick smile before he lifted the strange scanner he was holding. Ellie cringed away from it, as if she expected to be shot, but nothing came out of the device as the soldier slowly waved it up and down in front of her. After a few passes, he stopped and stared down at the screen on the back of the machine.

I fought the urge to lean forward in the hopes of getting a better look at whatever information was being displayed there, feeling myself sway towards the man slightly before I could stop myself. I pulled back, my eyes darting around. No one seemed to have noticed my movement, though. They were all too focused on the soldier, who was still reading.

Why did he scan her? Was there something specific he was checking for, or was the machine just confirming Ellie’s identity somehow? I still couldn’t quite access all of my memories of that world, but as far as I was aware, we didn’t have any identification chips in our bodies like some of the other worlds I’d been to. Nothing had been implanted in us that would prove we were the right people, so there must have been something else the soldiers were checking for.

Whatever it was, Ellie must have been fine. The soldier looked up from the device, nodding towards the other soldier, who flipped open the plastic folder she was carrying and reached inside.

“Okay,” she said, her voice filled with much more warmth than it had been when she’d spoken to Mr Phillips before. “Please put this on and take a seat on the bus.”

A red lanyard dangled from her outstretched hand with a matching plastic card clipped to it. It swayed back and forth in the slight wind as Ellie stared at her, hesitating. Her hand trembled as she accepted it, slipping it over her head before glancing at our teachers again. I did the same, almost expecting Mr Darrel to speak, but he wasn’t even looking at her. He was staring up at the bus, his eyes slowly roaming the windows as he took in the many people staring down at us.

Ellie seemed to droop as she turned away, sniffing loudly before climbing aboard the bus. The female soldier had stepped aside so that Ellie could enter, and the moment she did, the woman snapped back into position, blocking the door.

I swallowed, a hint of anxiety flaring in my chest as I looked away, my eyes landing on the other soldier, who was focused on Mr Avila.

“Please step forward,” he said to him.

Mr Avila barely hesitated before following the order, and I watched as the soldier scanned him too. It seemed to be quicker than when he scanned Ellie. He only did a couple of passes of him before the screen lit up, and he nodded.

“Great. Here’s your card,” the other soldier told Mr Avila, also handing him a red lanyard and stepping aside. “Please find a seat.”

Mr Avila glanced back at me, seeming to be debating saying something, but he didn’t. He simply smiled at me before squaring his shoulders and marching forward. He paused at the top of the steps, looking back towards the school with an almost sad expression.

Why did he look upset? Did he not want to leave? Or was he worrying about the people he was leaving behind? I wasn’t sure, but I couldn’t consider it for long. The soldiers were looking at me.

Apprehension leapt in my heart as I met the male soldier’s gaze. He hadn’t begun to scan me yet, but I was the last one there. Mr Darrel was still standing next to me, but they hadn’t asked him to be there. He was just there to make sure we wouldn’t run, and I wasn’t sure why he hadn’t left yet. He should have, but instead, he was still staring at the bus.

“Don’t worry,” the soldier said kindly as he moved towards me. “This won’t hurt at all. It’s just a precaution.”

My hands squeezed into fists by my sides as he lifted the device again, pointing it at me. A flutter of terror thrashed in my stomach, making me long to cower away, but I refused to let myself. People were watching. They were looking down at me through the windows, and I couldn’t appear weak. I had to be strong, regardless of how I was feeling.

Holding my head high and taking deep breaths through my nose, I stared back at the people inside the bus, ignoring the scanner being moved slowly before me. It seemed like most of the seats had been taken already. There were a few gaps, but not many. The people inside didn’t look particularly special, from what I could tell. They just seemed… normal.

My eyes flicked towards the soldier with the machine again. Why was he still scanning me? He’d waved the machine up and down four times already. That was more than he did for Ellie and Mr Avila, I realised as my pulse started to race. Was something wrong? Had they got the wrong person? Maybe they didn’t mean to call me down. There was someone else in the year below me. Her name was Grace Barker, not Baker. Could they have meant her?

Or could they somehow tell that I wasn’t the right me? I was a visitor to that world; maybe the scanner had noticed that somehow. I didn’t know what it was checking or measuring, but perhaps there was a slight difference, a slight change, that it was picking up on.

Nothing about me changed physically when I went to other worlds. It was just mental. My mind was different; it was a different consciousness inside my brain, but I’d already existed in that world. I was already me, so surely, there was no way anyone could tell, was there?

Finally, the soldier checked the screen and nodded. It took all of my restraint not to let my relief show, but I wanted to weep. It was a near miss. I’d almost ruined my chances of going to the bunker, and there was a strange fury burning in the pit of my stomach at the thought of doing that.

“Here you go,” the other soldier said, holding my lanyard out towards me. “Make sure you keep it on you at all times and go sit down, please. We’ve still got quite a long journey ahead of us.”

Triumph and excitement pounded in my heart. I took it from her and placed it around my neck, looking down at the red plastic card as I started to enter the bus. It looked almost like a bank card but thicker and entirely blank. There was no writing or pictures on it. Maybe it was a swipe card to access the bunker?

No, that didn’t make sense. Surely, once we got there, we’d be locked in. I doubted we’d be able to come and go that freely. The Prime Minister had said the researchers were living in the facilities. It made sense that they’d stay there all the time so they could focus and not be distracted by whatever else was happening in the world.

“Hey! I was talking to you!”

I froze, my foot hovering over the step. I was about to begin making my way along the aisle towards a seat, but the sound of Mr Darrel’s voice stopped me. Part of me knew I should have kept moving, but I couldn’t help it. I glanced back at him through the door.

“Please step away from the vehicle,” the male soldier said.

He stood just outside the door, blocking Mr Darrel from being able to enter, but the other soldier wasn’t far behind me. She’d turned, though, her gaze on the teacher.

“No!” Mr Darrel shouted, his desperate tone contrasting with how calm the soldier had sounded. “Where are you taking them?”

I saw the male soldier’s shoulders stiffen slightly, his hand moving at his side. I leaned forward, trying to work out what he was doing. The movement caught the attention of the other soldier, and she glanced back at me, a sympathetic expression on her face.

“You might not want to see this, Grace,” she told me. “It could get a bit unpleasant.”

It was impossible to look away, though. I felt frozen to the spot, unable to even blink as I watched my teacher facing off against the soldier.

“That is irrelevant to you,” the soldier said. “Please step back.”

“No, wait!” Mr Darrel cried. “Are you taking them to a bunker?”

My eyes darted towards the other soldier, but she’d turned back towards the door, her hand resting on the gun attached to her thigh. They had to be taking us there. Where else would we be going?

“Step away,” the soldier barked again. “I don’t want to hurt you, but we have been authorised to use force if necessary.”

I winced, but Mr Darrel’s expression didn’t change. He continued to stare pleadingly at the soldier.

“No, no, please! I want to come with. I can help you! I have a degree in Biolo—”

It seemed to happen in slow motion. Mr Darrel reached out towards the soldier, his hands moving towards his chest. It was a desperate movement; I don’t think he meant to hurt the soldier. I think he was just going to grab his shirt, but there was no way to know. The soldier was faster than him. Before Mr Darrel’s hands even made contact, he’d lifted the gun from his thigh.

Mr Darrel was thrown backwards. I gasped as his body slammed into the solid ground and began to convulse. The soldier didn’t move towards him, through. He simply looked down, seeming to fiddle with his weapon before slipping it back into the holster as he turned away from the man.

“Is he going to be okay?” I asked, staring at Mr Darrel.

He’d stopped thrashing around, but his eyes were shut. He wasn’t moving at all.

“He should be,” one of the soldiers told me. “Don’t worry. The voltage we use generally isn’t lethal.”

I have no clue how to respond to that. It was too uncertain to really make me feel better, but both soldiers were looking at me. I was in the way, stopping them from moving any further into the bus, and they’d said we had far to travel. I needed to move.

My steps were robotic as I began to walk again. I felt disconnected from my body, and it moved on autopilot, but I wasn’t sure how far my legs would carry me before collapsing. I barely paid any attention to where I was going as I staggered towards the first empty seat I saw and almost fell into it.

The bus began to move immediately, and I tried to take deep, grounding breaths as I watched my school disappear behind us. Did they know we’d left? Or did they have no clue anything had even happened to us? Surely, they would have bombarded Mr Stout with questions until he caved and told them, but maybe he didn’t know. I didn’t. I assumed we were going to the bunker, but the soldiers hadn’t actually confirmed that. They hadn’t shown us any identification or anything. It could have been a trap.

I glanced down at the card hanging around my neck, touching it gently before turning it over. My eyebrows furrowed as I stared at the plastic, angling it carefully so it hit the light. There was something etched into the back of it, I realised. It was faint, barely visible, but there was definitely something there.

Hope leapt within me, but it was quickly crushed. There were no words, no confirmation of where we were heading. It was just a string of random numbers, and I had no idea what to make of it, but it had to be a good thing. Surely, if they’d gone through the effort of picking us up from school and wherever else they’d collected the others from, they wouldn’t just let us die. It would be a waste of money, and it didn’t make any sense.

A sniffle came from behind me, sending renewed irritation through me. I turned to peek over the back of my seat, and a groan almost slipped out of my mouth as I spotted who it was. I should have paid more attention when choosing where to sit because somehow, I was sitting right in front of Ellie and some older man who I assumed was her father, judging by how tightly she was clinging to him.

As annoyed as I was by the thought of having to put up with her crying for the entire journey, it was actually a relief to see the man. Ellie had said he was a scientist who’d been working on the issue for a little while, and if he was there, then we must have been heading towards a bunker.

I turned again, a smile growing on my lips. We were safe. We would be completely safe and unbothered by the sun being extinguished.

“He lied, didn’t he?” I heard Ellie whine.

My body stiffened, and I had to fight not to look back at them as I waited for her dad to reply. I stared out the window, barely even seeing anything that passed us by. All of my focus was fixed on the people behind me. I needed to hear what he would say.

“He did,” her dad sighed after a long pause, his voice lower and more gravelly than I’d expected.

Ellie let out a soft sob.

“How long do we have left?”

There was another pause. It dragged on for so long that I thought her dad was going to refuse to answer her at all, but finally, he spoke again.

“A year. Maybe two if we can slow things down.”

My eyes widened, and I felt my chest tighten. A year or two. How could that be possible? The Prime Minister had made it sound like we had decades until we needed to worry about anything, but he’d lied. That made sense. I expected that he had, but I didn’t think it would be so bad.

“But we’ll be safe?” Ellie asked, her voice weak. “It won’t affect us in the bunker?”

I was so glad she asked the question because if she hadn’t, I would have had to. I needed to know, and it was so difficult to restrain myself.

“Underground research laboratory,” her dad corrected her, but I could hear the smile in his voice. “Yes, we will be. A lot of work has been put into them to ensure they will be able to withstand everything they need to.”

There was another slight pause before Ellie spoke again.

“And what about everyone else? Will they be okay?”

“We’ll find a way to help them,” her dad said, edging around the question. “The human race is great at evolving and adapting to new threats. It might not be particularly easy, but I’m sure they’ll find a way through.”

“I hope so,” Ellie muttered softly.

He was lying. I could hear the doubt in his voice, but Ellie somehow missed it. The rest of the world, anyone left on the surface, would die. They’d freeze whilst we hid in the bunkers below. Maybe in time, something would happen, and we’d be able to emerge from the bunkers and return to the surface, but that felt unlikely.

Something pulled at me. There was something there, something that sounded familiar, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what. Was it what Ellie’s dad had said? About people evolving? Or was it something else?

I stared out the window as I searched my mind, trying to figure it out. I’d definitely heard someone say something like that before, but when? It wasn’t in a book or a television show. I knew that much for sure. It wasn’t anything from the world I was in; I was too new to it. My memories were still locked away.

Realisation slowly dawned on me. Was this how it started? The other world that had frozen over? The one where I wasn’t myself, where I was Clea? The surface there was covered in ice, wasn’t it? I couldn’t quite remember. It felt so distant, and all my memories of that place felt murky, but I was almost sure I was correct.

We still had a sun there, though. The surface was uninhabitable; that was why we lived on a floating island in the sky, but there was still a sun. Perhaps they’d found a way to save things there. They’d worked out how to stop it from going out, but it might have been too late for the planet. The damage was already done, and mutated creatures roamed the land, making it too dangerous to return.

No one there had talked about bunkers, though. As far as I could remember, they only ever mentioned the islands in the sky, but perhaps they’d tried both. Some people could have taken to the sky, whilst some took to the earth.

I wasn’t sure which was better. At least being in the air meant they still got to see the sun and feel the wind, but I had no clue what the bunkers were going to be like. They might have been really nice and luxurious, less like the empty shipping container I was imagining and more similar to a fancy hotel, like the one I’d stayed in with Mitch. I wasn’t sure, but I’d probably find out soon enough, and then I could decide which one I preferred.

Disgust washed over me, and I blinked, looking down at the card I was fiddling with. What was wrong with me? I was so excited, so eager to get to the bunker, and that felt wrong. I should have been worried or scared. Why wasn’t I heartbroken and mourning the people who were being left on the surface to slowly freeze to death? I knew people who were staying up there. Nolan and my family. They were going to be left there, and yet I felt nothing.

Not nothing. I did feel a little worried, but it was a strangely distant feeling. There was something unnatural about it. It felt like a shadow, a second-hand emotion that had crept in unwanted and was invading my mind. It was a parasite, nothing more.

The worry came from the real me, I realised with a jolt. The real me was terrified about Nolan, my family and everyone else, but the me that lived in that world was just… smug. There was a smugness that pulled at my lips, trying to force me to smile. A sickening sense of pleasure and pride danced in my stomach, but I couldn’t understand it. It was so foreign and horrible, and I didn’t know how any version of me could possibly feel like that.

But I was chosen, a voice in the back of my mind seemed to whisper. I had been picked from the millions of people who lived in the United Kingdom. For some reason, they had decided that I was good enough to survive, but the other, the ones I was looking down on from the bus window, were ignored. The government had deemed them unworthy and undeserving, but I was better than that. Someone had decided that I was better than them.

The thought made me breathless. I was almost giddy with pride and happiness, and my eyes darted around, checking to make sure no one had noticed how wide I was smiling. What was it that they had seen in me? Why did they think I was special? I wasn’t sure, but I was determined to prove them right.

Motivation seemed to fill me. I could feel it flowing through my veins, filling me with energy and passion. The moment we got to the bunker, I’d be ready. I would prove myself to them, and then they’d know they were right to choose me. I was special. I was better than the others, and I was so impatient to prove it that I could barely sit still.

The excitement was overshadowed by another feeling, though. A strange sense of conflict churned within me, making me nauseous. It was wrong. The way I was feeling and how I was thinking was horrible, and I pressed my hand against my stomach, wishing I could make it all go away.

Instinctively, I felt myself start to pull away from the world. It felt too dangerous to stay there. My callousness was terrifying to me, and I didn’t understand how any version of me could ever be so selfish. Was that even possible? Did I have that potentially?

Surely, something must have happened to her. Something bad must have happened to make her a monster. Was it bullying? Or was my mother even worse to me there? Perhaps she’d been the bully, picking on me constantly until I shut myself away from my emotions and became so self-centred and horrible.

A shudder went through me. It had to be something more than that. I had to believe I wasn’t capable of such cruelty and that I would never become her, but the idea still scared me. I loved my friends. I loved my family, even my mom, who was horrible to me sometimes. No matter what happened, I knew I would always feel like that. I would never turn my back on them and let them die. I would fight. I’d find a way to do something to bring them with me, let them take my place, or I wouldn’t go. It would be better for us all to die rather than for me to live with the knowledge that I did nothing, that I let them die for nothing.

I rolled over, my mind still racing. That world was what I had wanted, in a way. I’d longed for a world where I wasn’t terrified or lonely and where I didn’t die, and technically, that was exactly what I had there. I’d been scared a couple of times since I arrived, but it was fleeting, and I certainly wasn’t lonely. It wasn’t right, though. I didn’t want a place where I felt so little. I wanted more. To feel more.

A rushing noise slowly began to build in my ears as I felt the room around me twist. A new world, a new dizziness, was reaching out to me. A world where I wasn’t so emotionless and unfeeling was reeling me in, and I hesitated for just a moment before allowing it to capture me.