Inescapable Escapism

A sigh slipped out of my mouth as I stared up at the ceiling, trying to will myself to fall asleep. No matter how hard I tried, it just wouldn’t happen, though. I’d been lying there for what felt like an eternity, doing nothing but trying to sleep, but it still wasn’t happening.

Irritation flared within me as I rolled over and kicked at the duvet. It wasn’t lying right, though. The feathers were all bunched up at the end, and no matter how much I kicked it, they still wouldn’t spread out. I sighed again, throwing the duvet up into the air with my feet in a desperate attempt to fix it, but I knew it wouldn’t work.

I rolled over, pushing the duvet off me and letting it fall onto the floor. Annoyance pulled at me, but I didn’t pick it up. The thought of doing that just made me even more irritated. I didn’t exactly need it, anyway. It was already far too hot in my grandparents’ house, but I always found having a blanket or something on me was more comfortable, regardless of the temperature. It was almost impossible to fall asleep without something covering me.

But I wasn’t going to sleep, anyway. I barely even felt tired. Instinctively, I began to reach out for my phone before stopping myself. I longed to spend the night scrolling endlessly through social media or to text Phoebe. It would help pass the time, and I missed her, but I knew that would be stupid.

My mom had told me not to spend all night on my phone, and she was already suspicious of me. I’d heard her sneaking along the corridor, and if she peered under the door and saw the light from my phone, she’d be so annoyed at me. I wouldn’t be surprised if she confiscated my phone again.

She’d only done that a handful of times before, and I was pretty sure every time she did, she searched every single app and photo I had on there. I didn’t want that to happen again. There wasn’t anything particularly scandalous, nothing my mom would be annoyed at me for, but I still hadn’t deleted the texts from Duncan and Phoebe, and I wasn’t sure how my mom would respond to those.

Plus, if she took my phone, I wouldn’t be able to use the apps I’d been using to learn other languages. My streak would be broken, and it was going so well. I had just hit two weeks. I probably wouldn’t have the mental energy to continue with them once I started school again, but I wasn’t quite ready to give up on them yet.

I let out a tight breath. If my phone wasn’t an option, that meant I had only one thing I could do to distract myself and pass the time. I could go to another world. The image of the private dining room in La Lieux flashed behind my eyes, and I was gripped by a longing so strong that I almost gave in immediately. I missed my team. It hadn’t been long since I’d seen them last, but I still missed them.

Those weren’t my feelings, though. It wasn’t how I actually felt, I told myself. It was just the other version of me bleeding over into the real me. The emotions were getting jumbled up, but she was still there. She was still with her team, where she belonged, but I couldn’t go back. The real me would just wreck everything for her.

But then, what was I meant to do? I couldn’t spend the whole night alone with my thoughts. It would drive me insane, and then I’d never be able to drift off. Desperation sparked within me, the sensation frantic. If I was exhausted in the morning, that would just make everything worse. My mom was hard enough to deal with when I’d gotten some sleep but without it? It was going to be horrible.

Maybe I’d be able to sleep in the car, though. I couldn’t usually. Mom made me anxious when she drove, and she raged far too often. If I did somehow manage to fall asleep, she inevitably woke me up by shouting or swearing about other drivers. But perhaps if I was tired enough, I’d just sleep through it. I might not wake up until we got home.

Then Mom would definitely think there was something wrong with me, I realised with a snort. I had no doubt that she’d make me do yet another drug test, but that was probably better than being awake all night and on the drive home.

I flopped onto my back, my eyes roaming the ceiling before moving to the posters on the walls. It would be weird to sleep in my own bed again. I was looking forward to it. It was so much more comfortable than the one at my grandparents’ house. That was probably because it had been bought within the last decade.

Actually, had it? I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t remember when my parents had bought me that bed, and I had no recollection of them ever getting me a new mattress. Had I had the same one ever since I stopped sleeping in a crib? That didn’t seem right, did it?

A groan threatened to slip from my lips, but I let out a huff instead. I was so painfully bored and restless. There was no way I could stay in that world, but I didn’t know what else to do. The Academy felt like an obvious suggestion, but as soon as the idea came into my mind, I pushed it away automatically.

Reluctance coloured my thoughts, making it hard for me to feel tempted to go back there. It was better than doing nothing but only just. If I was just going to be alone and sad there, it felt somewhat unnecessary. I could do the same thing by staying in reality. But I didn’t know that was how I’d feel there, I told myself. It might not be that bad. Perhaps I’d get there, and Katie and Abbie would be out of the induction wing. They might have moved into my dorm, and then I’d be happy. That was all I wanted.

I knew I was lying to myself, though. The chances of them being out were so low, but it was the best option. I knew I was safe there. I’d been shot, of course, but that didn’t really count. It only happened once, and it was in class. It was my teacher shooting at me, not a stranger, so it was fine. It didn’t mean I was in danger, unlike most of the other worlds I’d visited.

The dizziness that reached out to me was familiar. The sensation was soothing, and it was almost a relief to feel it slip over my skin, but it didn’t quite manage to drown out my reluctance to return.

My eyes opened slowly, and the light blinded me. I had to blink a couple of times to make my eyes focus, and it took me far too long to realise I was in my dorm room. The new one. I’d only been in there a couple of times. It was still new to me.

Well, it was still new to the real me. I wasn’t sure how many times I’d set foot in it whilst I’d been avoiding the world. Time had passed. I could feel that, but I wasn’t sure how long it had been. Hours, at least. Probably days.

I wracked my memory, trying to figure it out. My brain moved sluggishly, taking far too much time to figure it out. Two days. Two days had passed since I’d been there last, and that surprised me. I wasn’t sure why exactly. I knew the world continued even when I wasn’t part of it, but it hadn’t felt like it had been days. What had I missed?

Class, mostly, I realised. I could remember bits and pieces, flashes of teachers’ faces and information flooded my mind, and I drank the knowledge in. I’d had some of the more regular classes; English and sciences had been pretty interesting, but they paled in comparison to the others. Psychology and forensics were my favourites, but I’d really enjoyed politics too.

That was a surprise to me. I expected to find it boring. I normally did in real life. It was normally just old men in suits blathering on about things that rarely mattered. They talked for hours but said hardly anything. The politics classes at the Academy were nothing like that. They were fascinating. All of the classes were. I came away from every last one energised yet exhausted.

A spark of passion and excitement, a brief memory of how I’d felt during those lessons, spluttered weakly in my heart before dying out. I was too tired, too subdued and distracted by the suffocating loneliness I felt in the Academy. It was stupid, and I knew that. I wasn’t truly alone. I’d been surrounded by other trainees, and they all seemed really nice and welcoming, but it wasn’t the same. They weren’t my friends.

Finally, I glanced over my shoulder at the rest of the room. I hadn’t been able to do it before then. I didn’t want to confirm what I already suspected, but both of the other beds were empty. They were untouched, and that meant Katie and Abbie hadn’t moved in yet. I suspected it already, assumed that was the case, but having it confirmed was still disappointing to me.

With a heavy sigh, I fell backwards onto the bed. I was bored. Even in a much more exciting world, I was somehow bored. It was almost impressive, but mostly, I was just annoyed that I had nothing to do. Well, not nothing. I could always go down to the library and grab a book to read, but that idea barely appealed to me.

I wasn’t sure I had the energy to face people. I was too tired, too drained. The thought of having to put a mask on and pretend not to be exhausted or sad was too overwhelming for me to even consider, but that left me with very few options. I could shower and get an early night or leave my room and do something else.

The shower was the smartest thing to do, and I knew that, but it felt so boring. There were so many other things I could do if I was just… better. But I wasn’t, and that meant I was just going to spend another night alone in my room. That wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to stay there if that was all I could do.

Slowly, I felt myself beginning to drift away from the world, floating in an endless sea of nothingness. Where should I go? I didn’t want to be in reality, but I couldn’t stay at the Academy either, so where else? There were too many options, and I knew that, but most of them scared me.

It was getting harder and harder to find a good world. Most of them ended horribly for me. Either I died or somehow managed to ruin everything for the version of me who lived in the world, and I didn’t want to keep doing that, but I wasn’t sure if I had a choice. Maybe it was unavoidable. Perhaps it would just be better for me if I gave in and allowed myself to be taken to some terrible world where I was about to die.

That seemed like a horrible idea, I told myself, dismissing the thought immediately. It was too late, though. A sensation began to slip over me, the touch oozing and thick. It seemed to coat my brain, chasing away everything else.

For a moment, there was nothing. My mind was still for once. My thoughts weren’t racing around or competing for my attention. It was just… silent. A sigh of relief slipped from my lips as I felt the darkness slip deeper and deeper into my brain.

It was so peaceful, so easy. If I just gave in and allowed it to take over, everything would be fine. I’d never need to think again. I wouldn’t worry about my mom or my grandparents or school or anything else. I could just… float. The world would continue on without me, and wouldn’t that be better? I’d be happier like that.

No. Something seemed to snap in my head, breaking the shadowy sensation’s grip on me. It retreated, the movements reluctant and sulky, seeming to promise it would wait. Once I was ready to embrace oblivion, it would be back to claim me.

A shudder slipped down my spine as my thoughts returned in a jumbled rush. That wasn’t what I wanted. The promise of emptiness wasn’t right. I needed to stay in control and find a balance. Something that wasn’t terrifying, but it also wasn’t boring. I didn’t want to be lonely or die, but it also didn’t need to be too interesting. It only had to hold my attention for a few days, maybe a week, before burning out and being forgotten. Once my friends were out of the induction period, I wanted to return to the Academy, and I’d be happy there again.

Dizziness reached out towards me, the touch timid. It was new to me; that much was immediately evident, and it didn’t feel particularly scary or dark. I let it come closer, feeling the front of my head start to ache slightly. It didn’t really hurt. It felt more like I’d stood up too quickly and had gotten lightheaded. That happened fairly often, but it wasn’t unmanageable.

I hesitated, fear building within me slightly as I examined the dizziness, but nothing else revealed itself to me. The only way I’d be able to find out more about it was to go to the world, and as much as that scared me, I was also excited. The sensation began to wrap around me, pulling me into a new world.

My vision blurred, and I stumbled as my foot caught something. A hand closed around my elbow, stopping me from falling as the person whose heel I’d just stepped on glared at me over their shoulder.

“Sorry,” I muttered to them, my head still spinning. “Thanks.”

The blond boy beside me smiled as he let go of my arm.

“You know, I should really get paid for this service,” he said, his expression thoughtful. “Stopping you from falling on your ass is basically a full-time job at this point.”

I had no clue what to say to that. I didn’t know the boy or the world. Our relationship was a mystery to me, and I wasn’t sure how I’d react to his words normally, so I settled for just rolling my eyes.

It seemed to be the right thing to do. The boy smirked at me before jamming his hands into his pockets and looking forward again. I blinked, my vision still blurry, before glancing around at the world. The colours were slowly seeping into my surroundings still, brightening before my very eyes, and it was a little disorientating to see. It was better, though. I liked it when the worlds were more vivid.

I was in a crowd, I realised. In a school. It wasn’t my school, though. Not my usual one, at least. The foyer we were entering was entirely new to me. Or, it was new to the real me. The other me was very used to it. She’d been going there for years.

The room was much lighter and more open than I expected from a school. Too much light streamed in through the giant glass doors at the front of the building, and the light stone walls made it seem even brighter. It was nice, I guess, but different from what I was used to.

I didn’t recognise anyone around me, either. I’d never seen the boy beside me before in real life, but that made sense if I was in a new world. Maybe he didn’t exist there. Or perhaps he did, but he lived somewhere far away. That would make sense.

As we shuffled forward, moving slowly, I glanced down at my uniform. It was less boring than the one I wore every day. I had the same white button-down shirt, but the skirt was burgundy and pleated, and my jumper was the same colour. The crest on the jumper looked fancy, I noted as I read the words beneath it. Manor Park School. I was right. That wasn’t the name of my normal school or any near my house back home.

The hair on my arms stood on end as I looked around again. Something felt wrong. I wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but there was something… off. The atmosphere was strange, and that scared me. Had I made a mistake? Chosen the wrong world? Anything could be happening there, and there was no way for me to know for sure.

We were about to go into an assembly; I was pretty sure of that, but what was it about? We hadn’t been told, I realised. I could vaguely remember being in class and someone, another teacher, knocking on the door and telling us to come down. But… why?

My mind immediately jumped to the extreme. Someone was about to be sacrificed to some horrific monster. I don’t know why, but that was my first thought. Was this world like the other? The one where I’d been forced out of the town to satisfy a cruel and vengeful God? Or would I be forced to stand by and watch as it happened to another, knowing the pain they were about to face?

No. The world I was in seemed different. It seemed more modern, less barbaric. They probably wouldn’t sacrifice people there, and I was just being silly. Nothing was wrong; I was just overthinking things because the school was so different from what I was used to.

That made sense. It was different. The kids were too loud. They were whispering and talking freely, and the teachers did nothing about it. Back home, they would have been shouting and handing out detentions until people fell silent, but the teachers around me didn’t even seem to notice. They were just on their phones.

Was that normal? I couldn’t work it out. The rest of the students didn’t seem bothered by it, I realised as we approached the doors to the hall. People were barely looking at them, so maybe the teachers were always just… distracted. I tried to search my memories to check, but they were out of reach. I could feel them. They hovered just out of reach, taunting me.

“Take a seat!” a teacher called as we entered the room. “Squeeze up. The entire school needs to fit in!”

I glanced at him for just a moment before looking around the hall. It seemed like most of the students were already there. I assumed they were, anyway. There were already more people seated before me than in my school back home, and there was barely any space left. How many more students could there be?

A projector was being set up at the front of the room, and the screen was pulled down. I couldn’t remember that ever happening before. Were we about to watch a movie? Surely, they wouldn’t take us out of class just for a movie, would they?

“What do you reckon’s going on?” the blond boy asked me as we sat on the floor.

Nolan, my mind informed me.

“No clue,” I replied as I craned my head to watch the head of IT fiddle with the computer that had been attached to the projector. “But I doubt Mr Hodgkins will be able to get that to work.”

Nolan snorted as the man stared at the blank screen behind him with an absolutely baffled expression before looking back at the laptop.

“I bet you ten bucks he can’t.”

I felt a smirk appear on my face.

“I’m not taking that bet. It’s a guaranteed loss,” I argued. “I’m not that stupid.”

“Mmmm, okay,” Nolan said, a thoughtful expression appearing on his face as he looked around the room. “Alright. Ten bucks says Miss Vickers fixes it for him.”

I glanced at the teachers, my eyes finding the short woman immediately. She was normally the one who stepped in when our bumbling head of IT couldn’t figure out simple tech, according to my memories, but she seemed distracted. She was staring at her phone, her thumb jammed into her mouth as she gnawed at the skin around her nail.

“I’ll take it. I reckon… Mrs Davidson will do it, though.”

It felt like a good guess. A better one than Miss Vickers, anyway. Mrs Davidson was staring at Mr Hodgkins, her expression growing steadily more impatient.

“You’re so on,” Nolan told me.