Inescapable Escapism

“What are you doing?” I heard my mom ask, cruelty dripping from her voice.

I jumped, my head snapping up to stare at her. My heart was racing like I’d been caught doing something I shouldn’t, and the world spun slightly, making it hard for me to work out which world I was in. She looked strange, and that made me feel even more off-balance. I knew that she looked different, but I wasn’t sure what exactly was different.

She looked thinner, I think. Her face was pinched and her expression almost a snarl. She sometimes wore that look in my world, but she generally tried to hide it. She never looked at me with such explicit fury and disgust. I was in the other world still, I realised, reaching out for the dizziness that I knew would take me home. Before my eyes, my mom started to change. She became bigger, less emancipated-looking, and her expression less cruel. But she was still looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to answer her.

I looked down at the suitcase in front of me. I couldn’t remember moving towards it or starting to empty it, but that was clearly what I had been doing. It was empty, with my clothes piled messily around it, so I must have made a start on it.

“Packing,” I said with a shrug.

My mom’s lip curled, and she raised an eyebrow before pointedly looking at my suitcase.

“Look at the mess you’ve created! Honestly! We’ve been coming here for years, and you still can’t pack a bag properly. You should be better at it by now. What are you going to do when I’m not here to help you with it?” she demanded.

She sounded almost like she was trying not to laugh at me, and that made me angry. She didn’t help me pack. She hadn’t for years. The first time I had to do it, she didn’t even bother telling me. I thought she’d pack my bag whilst I was at school like she always used to, but I got home after the last day, and she was already passed out on the sofa. I couldn’t have been older than seven or eight, which was probably old enough to do it myself, but she clearly didn’t plan it.

I think she just didn’t want to or was too distracted by drinking or whatever else and completely forgot. The next morning, as we drove to Scotland in silence and she nursed a hangover, she told me that I needed to do it. She tried to say that it was intentional, to teach me to be more independent, but that was a lie, and I knew it. It didn’t teach me anything about independence; it just taught me that I couldn’t rely on her.

Mom was still looking down at me, and I forced myself to smile at her rather than letting her see just how annoyed I was. It wouldn’t help anything, and I just wanted her to leave me alone. She wasn’t even doing anything that bad, but I didn’t want to have to talk to her.

“I’m doing it how you showed me,” I said with a shrug, seeing her eyebrows start to rise and annoyance cross her face. “I mean, I had to empty it out so I could fold everything properly.”

There was a pause as Mom clearly debated saying something, but I wasn’t sure what she would say. I was doing it the right way. Maybe I was moving a little slower than she’d like, but it was the proper way to pack. Plus, she couldn’t disagree with me. It meant she either needed to say that she didn’t teach me to do it that way or to tell me to do it differently, which I knew she wouldn’t do either. It would make her look bad. She’d have to tell me to do less, take the easy option, and just cram everything into my bag, not caring about folding things.

There was no way she’d do that, and I knew it. It was a lazy thing to do, and that was fine, but she would never admit to doing that. Mom refused to ever do anything that might be seen as lazy. She couldn’t. She cared too much about how others viewed her. She wanted to be seen as always doing more, going above and beyond, and doing everything perfectly. It was so clear to see, but she wanted everyone to look up to her and aspire to be just as wonderful as she thought she was.

Surprise washed through me at that thought. I was being snarky, and I knew it. I was really annoyed at her and was being kind of mean, even if it was just in my head. It didn’t feel normal, though. Maybe it was just a leftover irritation. Being in the other world, the one where she was even more horrible to me, had made me feel strange. I was almost wistful for that world to become my reality, but I felt awful for feeling that way, and I didn’t want Mom to change like that. I knew she would, though.

“Well,” Mom said with a heavy sigh, “you’ll need to finish that later. We’re going out for lunch now. That is, unless you want to stay home and pack instead…”

I looked up at her, trying to work out what the tone of her voice meant. There was an almost hopeful note to it, and I wasn’t sure if she wanted me to stay home so she could go out by herself or if she wanted me to go with her. There was nothing in her expression or body language that indicated which she would prefer. She had pulled her phone out and was checking something on it.

My stomach grumbled loudly, reminding me that I hadn’t had dinner the night before. I’d fallen asleep too early and missed it. Even though part of me wanted to stay home and have the chance to relax without my mom there, I had to go. I needed to eat, and there was barely anything in the house.

I fully intended to just tell her that I wanted to go to lunch with her, but my mouth had other ideas.

“Oh, already?” I said before I could stop myself. “I thought you weren’t planning to go out for another half an hour.”

Irritation flashed across my mom’s face, and I froze. I wasn’t sure why I said that, but I knew it was the wrong thing to say. Mom didn’t like being called out by anyone, and that was basically what I had done. I’d messed up. Originally, I had planned on being good. It was our last day in Scotland, and I knew Mom would be on edge. I was meant to be being careful not to antagonise her, but I’d clearly forgotten about that. I needed to do better.

My mom’s expression dropped, and she turned suddenly.

“Well, you can stay here then,” she said. “Or, you can come now.”

She started walking without waiting for me to respond.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew that if I didn’t hurry after her, she would leave without me just to prove a point, but I didn’t want to do that. My stomach rumbled again, as if telling me to get over myself and go after her. It was right, and I also knew that if she went by herself, she’d be in an even worse mood when she got back. It had happened before, and I was pretty sure she spent the entire time she was gone just ruminating and making everything seem worse and worse in her head until suddenly, I’d done something truly terrible rather than just been a bit disrespectful.

My pride or whatever it was that stopped me from wanting to run after her wasn’t worth the hassle it would cause, I realised before jumping up and grabbing my phone before following my mom. She was already on the stairs and didn’t even look back at me, even though she must have heard me. She had been moving quickly. Maybe it was intentional so that I’d need to run to catch up with her, or maybe she really did want to go to lunch by herself.

No, she didn’t, I realised as she reached the bottom of the stairs and turned to put her heels on. She was smiling. It wasn’t her usual smug smile. She seemed genuinely happy that I had followed her, and that just made me feel worse. Guilt rose in my stomach, making me feel nauseous.

Maybe she was trying to be nice. Perhaps she really did want to go out for a meal with me, and I had ruined it by being rude and snippy towards her. That thought made me feel horrible. The guilt and shame were almost overwhelming, and I didn’t know what to do about it, but I kind of wanted to cry. I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes as a lump formed in my throat.

I wanted to apologise to her. To say that I was sorry for how I’d spoken to her, and to try to be a nicer person, but I couldn’t get the words out. They died in my throat, leaving nothing behind. Instead, I was silent as I stepped into my trainers and followed my mom out the door.

As we moved across the drive towards the car, I could feel her eyes on me. She was scrutinising me and judging what I was wearing. I’d felt so good in the dress before, but now it felt different. It was too tight in all the wrong places. I winced, waiting for the inevitable insult as we reached the car. Mom started digging around in her purse for the keys, but no insults came. She said nothing as she unlocked the car, and we got into it.

Maybe she was trying. She couldn’t bring herself to compliment me or to say anything nice, but she hadn’t insulted me, and that was the best she could do. I was surprised, though. I’d been expecting the insult. I was waiting for her to say that I needed to get changed, or that the dress must have shrunk in the wash or that I looked fat or something like that, but there was nothing. No insults, no comments, barely even a look. She just turned the radio on and stayed silent.

I sunk back into the seat, my body relaxing as some of the tension drained out of me. I still felt on edge, of course. I always did when I was around her, but it didn’t feel quite as bad as it had before. A smile started to grow on my lips. I could feel it pulling at my face, and I let it. It was nice to be in the car with my mom without feeling like she was about to snap.

But it didn’t last long. I stared out of the windows, enjoying the journey for just a few minutes before the dizziness started to pull at me. I think I was so used to going to other worlds whenever I was in the car that I just started to reach for them automatically, but I didn’t really want to. I felt like I should stay in the moment with my mom. She was making an effort to be nice to me; it felt wrong to leave.

It was difficult, though. The temptation was too strong, and it would have been so easy to just give in. I had to fight to ignore it, but the dizziness didn’t want to let me. It hovered close, not quite overwhelming me, but almost. I think that if I had been walking, I would have stumbled.

I let my eyes flutter shut for a moment, hoping that it would stop the world from spinning quite so quickly, but I could still feel it moving around me. If anything, it was getting stronger. A silent sigh slipped out of my lips as I gave in, feeling the vertigo retreat immediately as I opened my eyes into the other world.

As subtly as possible, I looked around. We were still in the room in the library; that much was clear, but I couldn’t work out how much time had passed. It felt like it had been a while since I’d been there last. Maybe an hour or two. The fogged windows were dark. The sun must be setting, so it was probably quite late.

I looked away, feeling Seth’s eyes on me, and looked at the video that was playing on the screen. We’d moved on from observation, I realised slowly. That made sense. It was an interesting topic, but there was only so much staring at people that we could do before boredom set in. I couldn’t remember deciding on it, but we’d moved on to tech. There was a woman on the screen showing a small gun.

No, not a gun, I realised as she turned away from the camera and pointed it upwards. A grapple gun. The cable shot out, and the video slowed down, demonstrating how the tip transformed into a barbed hook that could grab hold of basically any surface. I felt myself leaning forward, watching the woman as she explained how it could be connected to a harness.

“Of course, it’s not always possible to wear a harness when you’re in the field,” she said with a charismatic laugh. “They can be really bulky and obvious, but the Academy’s seamstresses and tailors can reinforce any item of clothing and may conceal a harness within the lining. Before you’re assigned a mission, you will have a full briefing session where your equipment is shown to you. Make sure you pay attention to the clothes because there should be a way to connect the grapple if it may be necessary for you to use one during the assignment.”

“Awesome,” Katie whispered.

The woman clipped the gun to her belt, and the camera zoomed in, showing the mechanism that was built into the buckle. I would have never known that there was anything weird about it. It just looked completely normal, but it connected so seamlessly, allowing her to begin scaling the side of the building behind her.

My eyes widened as I watched her move higher and higher. It looked so cool but also terrifying. Her hair was hanging behind her as she steadily climbed without even breaking a sweat. She didn’t even look down, and I wasn’t sure how. I would have. I knew that if I had to climb the side of a building, held up only by a tiny gun connected to my belt, I would have been petrified. I don’t think I would have been able to stop myself from glancing down at the ground every couple of steps just to see how far up I was. I’d have to know. I’d need to know just how injured I’d be if something went wrong and I fell.

A door slammed, and my head whipped around. I glanced through the windows into the library, spotting Rodgers moving through the aisles towards us. There was a smile on his face, but that didn’t stop anxiety from building within me. Something was wrong, I assumed immediately. Something had to be.

It was stupid. He was probably just finished with his paperwork for the day and wanted to let us know that he was leaving the wing, so we’d need to go to a comms point if we needed to speak to anyone, but that didn’t feel right. Teachers never came to find us to tell us that they were leaving. They just assumed that we’d go to one of the phones dotted around the wing if we couldn’t find them.

Rodgers stopped outside the room and knocked on the door, even though we’d left it open.

“Hello,” Seth called as Abbie paused the video.

“Hello, everyone,” Rodgers replied. “How are the classes going?”

“Good,” Katie replied. “We did four or five about observations before moving on to tech.”

“Ah, great. How did you find them?”

Rodgers’ gaze fell on me, making me feel like I had to answer him. I wasn’t quite sure how to. I’d not been in the world for most of the videos.

“Good,” I said. “I feel like we’ve learnt a lot.”

Next to me, Seth nodded.

Rodgers’ smile widened.

“Fantastic! That should put you all in a great position for when you start classes properly,” he told us, looking around the group before looking back to me. “I actually just swung by to have a quick word. Grace, will you come with me?”

My stomach dropped. The others turned to look at me, and I swallowed. I wasn’t sure why he wanted to talk to me, but I must have done something wrong. Maybe he noticed that I wasn’t paying attention. There was a camera in the room, after all. They could have been watching us on it and seen that I was barely present. That was so stupid of me. I had only just been given my specialisms, and I knew that I needed to work hard to live up to the expectations placed on me, but I wasn’t. I was wasting the opportunity they’d given me.

“Oh, sure,” I said, doing my best to sound unbothered as I stood on shaking legs.

I could feel the others watching me as I walked towards Rodgers, trying not to look as scared as I felt.

“Should we wait for Grace to come back before continuing the video?” Abbie asked uncertainly.

She looked almost as worried as I felt.

“Might as well keep watching for now. Grace can always catch up later,” Rodgers said before glancing at the screen. “I believe you’re on tech video… seven oh eight?”

Abbie jiggled the mouse so the title would show up along the top.

“Yeah,” she said.

“Fantastic. There are some really good items coming up. You’re all going to love them,” Rodgers told the group before looking at me. “You can come back to it later. Shall we?”

I couldn’t speak. My mouth was too dry. I settled for nodding and following him back through the library.

The others continued to watch me, though. I glanced back at them once before looking back at Rodgers and trying to work out what was going on. His expression gave nothing away. He walked slowly and casually, his uneven steps unhurried.

Something must have happened. I must have slipped up somehow. Maybe it happened when I was in the other world, in my reality. I knew that I kept existing in the Academy when I wasn’t consciously there, and I couldn’t remember doing anything wrong, but I must have. Or perhaps it was something else. They could have just discovered something that I’d done before I was recruited that made me not a good fit.

I hadn’t done anything particularly bad, but it could have been anything. A bad mark on a test, or maybe even an argument with a friend that they’d just found out about. It might make them look at me differently or see my personality in a different light, a less flattering one. I didn’t really have arguments with friends. I didn’t really have friends, just one or two, but there had to be something.

Or could it have been a medical thing? They had run so many tests, blood tests and others. Perhaps the results had come back late for some of them, and they realised I wasn’t well. That would make sense. Why waste time training someone who would die within the year?

Rodgers paused for a moment to pull the library door open, and I looked up at him, scrutinising his expression closely. His lip twitched, but he didn’t say anything. He just nodded towards the doorway, prompting me to go through it. He followed me through the door, still saying nothing as we started to walk along the well-lit corridor.

Finally, the silence became too much for me. I couldn’t handle it. My thoughts were racing too fast, and I just needed to say something.

“Where are we going?” I asked, trying not to blurt the question out.

I didn’t succeed. My voice was too loud for the empty corridor and seemed to echo. Rodgers didn’t say anything about that, but a smile appeared on his face for just a second.

“My classroom,” he said. “I have something to talk to you about, and I don’t want it to get out just yet, so it’s best to go somewhere quiet.”

His answer didn’t make me feel any better. If anything, it just made me more anxious. I continued walking beside him silently, trying to ignore the panic that fluttered wildly within my heart. It felt like I’d been sent to the head teacher’s office. It had never happened to me before in real life, but it was exactly how I thought it would feel. I was nauseous. My hands were trembling, and my legs were barely able to hold me up. Part of me wanted to cry and apologise, but I pressed my lips together, forcing myself not to say anything else.

After what felt like an eternity, we reached Rodgers’ classroom. He pushed the door open and walked inside. I hesitated for just a moment before following him and letting the door shut behind me, my eyes scanning the room and searching for a hint of what was to come but finding nothing. It looked exactly as it always did.

“Grab a seat,” Rodgers called back to me as he walked towards his desk at the front of the room.

My heart pounded in my ears as I slowly followed his instructions, walking into the room and grabbing one of the plastic chairs. It was slick in my grasp, fear causing my hands to sweat. I pulled it to the front of the room, dropping it opposite his desk and hesitating. I almost didn’t want to sit down. It felt too scary. If I was standing, I could run. I had nowhere to go, but I’d be able to escape the conversation we were about to have, and that felt like a good thing.

But I knew that, even if I ran, I’d be found. We were locked in. There was no way to get out of the induction wing, so they’d just find me. Then Rodgers would still tell me whatever he was about to; he’d just also be annoyed at me.

I sucked in a deep breath as he started to sit down.

“Is everything okay?”