Inescapable Escapism

A loud crash split the air, and the lift jolted suddenly. I jumped, my heart pounding, as I fought to keep my balance on the unsteady ground. The grass was making it worse. It was uneven, and that made it even harder to stay upright. A strong arm wrapped around my waist, holding me tightly.

“It’s okay,” a deep voice whispered right into my ear. “I’ve got you.”

My heart was still racing though. I looked around, fear coursing through me as the elevator began to lift. An almost deafening crack came from above us, accompanied by a flash of light. I stared up at it in terror. Was it broken? Had there been some kind of electrical fault, and we were about to go plummeting to our deaths? We’d barely lifted into the air, so I wasn’t sure how far we’d fall, but it might still be enough to kill us both.

Would production let that happen? Would they stream their deaths and not interfere or prevent them? It was the second time that day that I had considered that question, but I was no closer to the answer.

“We’re safe,” Landon said, his voice louder this time.

I swallowed, ripping my eyes away from the top of the lift and looking around. We were still rising. The lift continued to move upwards as if nothing had happened.

“What was that?” I asked, my voice shaky with fear. “Is the lift broken?”

I was glad he was holding me up because I wasn’t sure my legs would support me.

“It was probably on purpose,” he replied with a slight smile. “Things don’t break here.”

I nodded. He was right. Things didn’t break in the City, and, for an event like that one, production would have been careful. They would have checked everything. The sponsor would have demanded it, I was almost certain.

I sucked in a deep breath, trying to steady myself and stop the anxiety that raced through me. I had to appear unfazed by what had happened. Like I thought it was cool and fun rather than terrifying. If it was intentional, my reaction probably wasn’t what they were looking for. I started to lift my drink to my mouth before realising it was dripping. I must have spilt it when I had stumbled.

Irritation washed through me. It was a bad look. I was in a lift with Landon, who was number fifteen, and about to mingle with other high-ranked people. I should be looking my best, not dripping alcohol. At least none was on my dress, I realised with a silent sigh of relief.

“Sorry,” I said, glancing up at Landon.

He was still holding me. His hand was clutching my waist tightly. A little too tightly, actually. Maybe I just wasn’t used to anyone touching me like that, but it felt wrong. He could just be trying to make sure I didn’t fall again. That would make sense. Plus, the viewers were probably loving it. Actually, that was a good point, I realised. People might be less against me flirting with or maybe dating someone if our relationship began in such a romantic way, with me panicking and him helping. It made him seem heroic.

Even with that realisation, I wasn’t particularly happy. There was something that just felt a little… off, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. I knew that dating or even just flirting with him would be great for views. My rating would increase, I was certain. He was ranked so much higher than me; it would have to impact mine. Maybe that was part of why I felt so uncomfortable though. He held all the power. He’d be able to throw me away as soon as he got bored of me, and then I’d be nothing more than some girl he had briefly dated. People wouldn’t care about me.

I’d seen that happen enough times. Whilst hiding in the bathroom, out of view of the cameras, I’d scoured the information provided to me, trying to work out what it was about other streamees that the viewers found so appealing. The number of times I’d seen Landon’s name mentioned alongside a girl’s, only for her to be forgotten the next week, was staggering. Sometimes, I tracked the girl’s rank for a little bit after, but that was always a depressing experience.

I needed to be better than that. I needed to be better than Landon. I could do exactly what he normally did and find a way to use him to my advantage. That would work. It could make me seem more than just some forgettable girl, pining over a boy who moved on too quickly. I was more than that, of course. I just needed to show the viewers.

Unease settled over me. It felt wrong. I didn’t want to be the kind of person who used others. The mere thought made my stomach clench. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pretend to be interested in or date him for the exposure. It was wrong. I felt nothing towards him. It made sense. I didn’t know anything about Landon, not really. The only things I knew about him was what I had read. That he dated people quickly, too quickly, and tossed them away like they meant nothing to him.

But, I realised slowly, maybe he didn’t like that either. Perhaps it was just the persona he’d stumbled into and that now his producers forced him to keep doing. Maybe he hated it just as much as I did.

I glanced up at him, wanting to ask him but knowing I couldn’t. My eyes met his, and I felt myself pull back, recoiling away from him ever so slightly. He was still looking down at me, his face too close to mine, but there was something about his gaze, the way he looked at me, that made me so uncomfortable. Immediately, I was gripped with the urge to move away from him. I wanted to step back, walk to the other side of the industrial elevator, but even that wouldn’t be far enough.

It was possessive. That was the problem. There was a sharp edge to his expression, something that told me he was enjoying holding me too much. My decision had been made. I steadied myself, taking a subtle yet deep breath, before stepping away from him. His hand tightened on my waist for just a moment, as if he didn’t want to let go of me. He did though.

“Thank you for catching me,” I said, painfully aware of his rank and the drones flitting around us, capturing the interaction.

Even though I wanted nothing more than to run away from him, I couldn’t. He was too important, too powerful. I needed to be careful. Plus, if I acted perfectly, I could still get a small boost from the interaction alone.

“It’s nothing,” he said smoothly, his voice deeper than before. “I’m always happy to help a beautiful woman.”

That was meant to be seductive, and I knew it. So many of our viewers would be swooning, shouting at their screens for me to just kiss him, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything other than disgust. I needed to say something though. I needed to respond to him.

I wasn’t sure what to do. My mind was completely blank. Perhaps there was a double meaning to his words, a small voice in the back of my head suggested. He could be just offering to help me in general; it didn’t need to be anything romantic. I knew that was wrong though. The meaning was clear.

I looked around, pretending to be flustered by his words. My eyes searched for anything else to focus on, finding the exposed walls of the elevator. They’d been meticulously painted to look like we were rising into the sky, and that made my heart skip. Some of my discomfort dissipated as I looked around, completely distracted. There, on the walls, were some tiny birds. Somehow, they almost looked like they were moving.

They were. Their wings were moving. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen birds. There weren’t any in the City; they were too much of a risk. They caused mess and illness, and ruined streams. They weren’t worth it, according to the producers.

“You’re new to this, aren’t you?” Landon asked.

I glanced at him cautiously.

“I’ve been in the City for four years.”

That made his lips pull up into a smile. Even though he unnerved me, I had to admit he was attractive. I could see the appeal.

“No, not the City. This,” he said, gesturing around. “The party circuit.”

I hesitated before responding. I was new to it. I was about to attend the biggest party I had ever been to. I didn’t want to admit that to him. It felt wrong for some reason. I didn’t want to come across as naive, I think. It would make him assume I was easy to manipulate. But I couldn’t lie. My viewers would know that I had. It wouldn’t go down well.

“Kind of,” I said with a slight shrug. “I’ve been to parties before, obviously, but nothing this big.”

Landon’s smile grew, and he moved closer.

“Well,” he said, lacing his arm around my waist again. “I’ve been to quite a few. Stick with me, and I’ll make sure you have a good time here.”

A light flashed excitedly in the corner of my vision, distracting me. I had never seen it so persistent, so enthusiastic. The producers were clearly thrilled. They knew what it could mean for me, for all of us.

I didn’t want to do it though. I couldn’t. The thought of spending more time with him, of him touching me, maybe even kissing me, made me so uncomfortable that goosebumps broke out on my arms. He was scary. There was something genuinely scary in his flat gaze.

He could see my fear. He saw how I cringed away from him, the panic shooting through me. It made him lean even closer.

I needed to respond to him. I wasn’t speaking enough and was taking too long to say anything. It was making me look like an idiot, and I wasn’t one. I had to think fast, to come up with some way out of this. Anything that meant I could race away from him the moment the doors opened and never have to speak to him again. I opened my mouth, my lips forming the rejection.

“I’m lucky I bumped into you,” I said with a shy smile.

Confusion washed over me as my mind warred with itself. I was going to refuse. I had an excuse half-formed, but I was going to use it. Why hadn’t I? I couldn’t make sense of what had happened. Had the producers influenced me somehow? Could they have put the words into my mouth and forced me to say them? Surely not, but then why had I reacted like that?

There was a part of me, a small but strong part, that had taken control. It wanted me to go along with whatever Landon said, clinging to the hopes that it would be enough to drag me into the top twenty. That’s all I needed. Then, when we inevitably split up, I could stay in the twenties. I would find a way to manipulate the situation to work for me. It was already working, anyway. Ever since Landon had stepped into the elevator with me, my rank had jumped up two places. That was promising.

Landon leant down slowly, bringing his lips towards my ear. I felt myself tilt my chin up automatically, closing the distance between us until I could feel his face against mine.

I jerked back, dizziness slamming into me as I ripped my eyes open. My bedroom spun around me, nausea pulling at me. That wasn’t what I wanted. It felt wrong; it was wrong. I didn’t want to manipulate someone or only spend time with them because I knew it would help me, and I couldn’t spend time with someone so creepy. That wasn’t the type of person I was. I couldn’t do that. I wanted more. I needed more.

My heart raced, and I felt my grip tighten on my book. I was hit with a wave of gratitude that I wasn’t in that world for real. I wouldn’t have been able to panic like I was. I had to constantly be aware of how I looked and how people were perceiving me. In my real life, the only person I had to worry about was my mom. I froze, holding my breath as I listened hard. How would I explain my freak out to her if she happened to check on me then?

But I couldn’t hear her. I couldn’t hear any noise from the house. Maybe she had gone outside for a cigarette. I hope so. I forced the breath out slowly, trying to loosen my grip on the book as I told myself that world wasn’t real. It felt real, but it wasn’t. Actually, it didn’t even feel that real. The entire City had been constructed to appear perfectly real, more than that if possible, but it wasn’t.

And that wasn’t a life I wanted to live. There were lots of people there who cared about me, who watched me, but that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted actual relationships with people. I needed to be able to make decisions, but I couldn’t there. I was nothing more than a puppet, forced to do whatever the viewers and producers wanted me to. Never able to make my own choices.

I felt Landon’s hand tighten around my waist. I wasn’t even in that world anymore, but somehow I could still feel it. Another shudder tore through me, my nausea rising. I wanted to push him away, not move closer to him like I could feel my other self doing. But I couldn’t. The Grace of the streamee world didn’t want to.

Shaking my head, I withdrew even further from the fantasy. I didn’t want that. I never wanted to go back there. It didn’t feel right. I couldn’t give anyone that kind of control over me again. But I didn’t want to stay in reality either. Reaching out tentatively, I touched a familiar dizziness. It immediately felt better than the streamee world had. More real.

A smile came to my lips as I shut my eyes once more.

“Whoa!” I heard someone say before a hand closed around my arm. “Are you okay?”

I blinked, the sudden sunlight blinding me.

“Uh, yeah,” I said unsurely.

“Are you sure?” Seth asked, his expression concerned.

“Yes, sorry,” I apologised, looking around for an excuse. “I must have caught my toe on the cobbles or something.”

Seth let go of my arm, the worry clearing from his face and being replaced with a smile. The courtyard paving was uneven. It was a good lie.

“Oh, that makes sense. I did that this morning too,” he said.

I felt myself returning his grin, happiness spreading through me. That was what I wanted. Seth and that world felt so much better than the other one. Seth had caught me when I’d tripped, but, unlike Landon, he’d let go. It hadn’t felt uncomfortable at all.

“I bet that happens all the time,” I told him.

“Probably. What are you doing out this early? Is breakfast over?” he asked, glancing over my shoulder.

“Oh, no. People are still eating,” I said, searching my memories quickly. “I just need to see the doctor really quick before we go to class.”

His eyebrows drew together.

“Are you okay?”

The urge to lie hit me, but I pushed it away.

“Yeah, I’m just… My stomach kind of hurts after yesterday.”

Had it been only a day since I had been shot? That didn’t feel right. It seemed like so much time had passed.

“Oh… Oh! Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m totally fine,” I said quickly, his concern making me feel bad. “I wanted to get checked out, just in case.”

He hesitated for a moment before nodding.

“Good idea. Can I walk you there?”

Relief washed through me.

“Sure,” I replied, starting to walk again. “Wait, do you not need to go to breakfast?”

“No, it’s okay. It’ll only take a minute, so I can go after.”

I looked down to hide the smile that formed on my face. It was just so kind of him, and that made me happy.

“So, um, how are you finding being here?” I asked awkwardly after a few moments of silence.

Seth looked up, seeming to savour the feeling of the sunlight hitting his face as we walked across the courtyard in the centre of the induction wing.

“Honestly?” he asked, glancing at me. I nodded, genuinely wanting to hear his thoughts. “It’s so much better than being at home. How are you finding it?”

“Same, really,” I replied.

“Even though you were shot?”

An unexpected laugh slipped out of my lips. The movement caused my stomach to ache, but it almost felt good. I felt light. After the constant paranoia and worry in the last world, it was a nice change, and that reinforced my decision. I wouldn’t go back there. There was nothing for me there.

“Yeah. I mean, that didn’t normally happen at home, but it’s still better here.”

I meant it.

Seth’s grin grew even wider as he pulled the door open and gestured with his head for me to go through.

“Really? You didn’t get shot at much at home?” he joked.

I snorted.

“No, not really. Why, did you?”

The moment the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them. Seth’s expression froze, and he looked away from me. I felt so stupid. He’d mentioned at dinner the night before that he’d been shot a few times. Abbie had bombarded him with questions, but he’d refused to answer. It was clearly a difficult subject for him; how could it not be?

“Sorry,” I started to say. “I didn’t mean it like that!”

His smile returned, but it was different that time. He looked tired. Exhausted and worn down.

“No, it’s fine. I know you didn’t,” he replied.

We walked in silence for a little. I felt so awkward. I should have remembered what he’d said and known not to ask, but I hadn’t. The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind until it was too late, and now I’d made things uncomfortable between us. I didn’t want that to happen. I didn’t want Seth to be reminded of whatever had happened, but I couldn’t think of anything that would help.

I could apologise again, I considered. It might make things better. I could explain that it was just a joke; I was teasing him like he had teased me. But I’d already apologised. Would telling him I was sorry again make things worse?

“My dad was pretty violent,” Seth said, surprising me.

“Oh?” I replied, unsure what else to say.

“Yeah. That’s why… you know.”

His dad had shot him. The realisation came to me slowly, and I felt my eyes widen. My mom didn’t treat me well, but at least she’d never shot me. She’d never really been violent towards me.

“Oh… I’m sorry,” I said.

Seth shrugged, staring at the ground as we walked towards the doctor’s office.

“Don’t be. These things happen, and at least it means I’m more prepared for when it happens here,” he said with a slight smile. “Some people just… shouldn’t be parents.”

“Yeah,” I agreed quietly.

He was right, but I still felt like I had to say something more. There was a difference between a bad parent and one who shot their kid, and I knew that. But what could I say? Seth didn’t seem like he wanted my sympathy. He’d seemed uncomfortable when I’d apologised before, so I knew I shouldn’t do it again, no matter how much I wanted to.

Would changing the subject be better? Or thanking him for telling me? That was a thing people did. I’d definitely seen it on television after someone confessed to something painful. But that always made me kind of uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure how I’d react if someone said that to me, and I didn’t want to say anything to make things worse.

I was still trapped in my thoughts, unable to come up with a plan of anything to say, when we stopped outside the doctor’s office. I turned towards Seth, wanting to thank him for walking me there and apologise, but the words died on my lips.

He was looking at me. Smiling. It wasn’t like how Landon had smiled at me. There was no malice in his eyes. There was something else. Something that made my stomach flutter.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “for saying that before. I know it’s weird to hear, and I didn’t mean to dump my trauma on you. You’re just easy to talk to. Not that that makes it okay!”

Seth saying that I was easy to talk to made me feel weird. It was a good feeling but an unexpected one. I wasn’t sure anyone had ever felt that way about me before. It didn’t feel true.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m glad you told me.”

I opened my mouth, wanting to say more, but the door opened suddenly.

“I thought I heard voices out here,” Doctor Adda said as he poked his head out, looking between us. “Back again, Seth?”