Inescapable Escapism

I was vaguely aware of the car moving around me, but I didn’t pay any attention to it. We were going into town, a journey that we’d done many times. There was nothing particularly fun or exciting about it, which was probably why I could feel my mind reaching out and searching for something else. Something better.

There wasn’t anything, not really. The spy fantasy loomed, but I wasn’t drawn to it immediately. Maybe I should have been. It was appealing to me; I did want to go back to the school and learn all of the cool things that we’d been told about, but, at the same time, something was holding me back. I wasn’t quite sure what though.

I gave my head a slight shake to clear it and reached out. The dizziness found me quickly, and suddenly, I was in the brightly lit dining room. Voices were chattering loudly, the energy electric. I felt a smile stretch over my lips as I looked around. We were midway through our meal already, and I wasn’t even sure what I was eating.

I glanced down at it, my eyes quickly taking it in as I speared another forkful.

Some kind of pasta dish, I decided as I poked it. The pasta was a weird shape though, not one I had eaten before. It was longer than normal but not as long as spaghetti. Wider too.

I took a bite, savouring the delicious tomatoey sauce that coated it perfectly. I didn’t care what the dish was. It was wonderful. I continued eating with renewed enthusiasm until I felt eyes on my face.

Glancing up, I met Seth’s gaze and a blush stained my cheeks as they started to heat up. I had been eating too fast, and now I was worried he was about to judge me for it. He was smiling, though. Surely, he wouldn’t be if he was about to say something mean.

“The food here’s really good, isn’t it?” he said, taking a huge mouthful of his food and letting his eyes flutter shut in exaggerated delight.

I found myself laughing, feeling much more at ease.

“Yeah, it’s great. Much better than what I used to eat at home,” I replied before feeling uncomfortable.

I didn’t like to talk about my home life. I didn’t like to tell people about it or for anyone to know how bad it was. Any time it came up in conversation, I felt myself shut down.

“Oh, really?” he asked, sounding interested.

“Yeah,” I said awkwardly.

It felt wrong to shut the conversation down like that. I wanted to keep it going and maybe even try to flirt with the cute boy who looked kind of like Duncan, but I didn’t want to talk about home.

I didn’t really even know what I’d say. My home life in this world was different to my life in the real world. A little, anyway. It was similar enough that I didn’t want to talk about it. It would feel too real; I’d feel too seen.

“Same, honestly,” Seth said after the silence stretched out slightly too long. “My mom works all the time, so I just cooked for myself and… I am not a good chef. I mean, I can manage, but there have been some dangerous moments.”

Seth laughed in a self-deprecating way, and I joined in.

“Oh, yeah?” I asked.

“Yeah. I mean, a nice oven pizza or basic pasta dish is fine but anything more than that? Nah, I’m out of my depth.”

I laughed again, causing his smile to grow.

“Same. I can make a pretty good stir fry, though,” I told him.

“Nice. I might get you to teach me sometime,” he said.

He was flirting with me, I realised. He was definitely flirting, and I wasn’t sure how to respond. I was fine talking with him before; a little awkward, but mostly fine. However, now that I knew it was flirting, it felt different. I was out of my depth, unsure how to continue.

“I’d love to,” I replied, the words slipping out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Seth looked down at his plate before peeking up at me, a smile playing on his lips.

“You don’t need to,” Abbie said before he could respond, causing us both to look at her in confusion. “They do cooking lessons here. Both basics and survival lessons. Did neither of you see that in the folder?”

I glanced at Seth before looking at Abbie.

“No, I didn’t, actually,” I told her.

“Me either.”

Abbie’s brow furrowed.

“You both should read it properly. We have some time after dinner. You should read it then.”

Seth’s eyes darted towards me before returning to Abbie.

“Yeah, I will. So… we have survival cooking lessons? Are they just what they sound like?” he asked.

I was glad that he asked because I wanted to know too. That sounded really interesting.

“I think so. If you go to the middle part of the folder, there’s information about all of the different lessons and everything. I think it said for the survival cooking that we’d be learning about foraging and safe preparation of food out in the wilderness. I don’t think we’ll actually be expected to go out into the woods any time soon though,” Abbie said, her tone certain.

“Why not?” Katie asked from beside me.

“We’re in the induction period. We’re not allowed to leave the wing or grounds until we’ve completed all of the testing and everything,” Abbie explained. “Well… unless we’re discharged.”

“Wait, discharged?” Katie asked, a hint of panic edging into her tone.

“Yeah. If something happens during the induction or in the testing that makes them think we aren’t fit for actual work, we’ll be discharged. Apparently, it doesn’t really happen though,” Abbie said reassuringly. “They do so much research before they recruit us, so it’s unlikely any of us will actually be let go.”

Katie smiled at Abbie, but she seemed preoccupied. I wanted to say something to her to make her feel better, but I was worried too.

Abbie had to be right. The Academy wouldn’t recruit anyone they weren’t sure about; that seemed risky. Plus, I was sure that Ms Brice had said the same thing to me about how rare it was. I wasn’t completely sure though. The memory felt fuzzy, distant.

“Grab a trolley,” the order broke through my fantasy, and I blinked, faltering slightly.

Looking around, I realised we were in a car park. I must have been in the daydream for the entire journey without even realising. Part of me was glad though. I knew I hadn’t missed anything important.

“Sure,” I replied to my mom, walking towards the trolley park.

A gentle breeze buffeted me, and I looked around, taking a deep breath. It was a really nice day. The sun was high in the sky, and, although there was a slight breeze, it was lovely. It kept it from being too hot. A sigh slipped out of my lips. For once, I didn’t mind being in reality.

And then ,I returned to my mom and immediately changed my mind.

“Why are you taking so long?” she snapped quietly so that no one would overhear.

They wouldn’t, even if she spoke loudly. The nearest person was halfway across the car park.

I didn’t bother answering her as she snatched the trolley out of my hands, leaving me standing dumbly. She marched forwards towards the shop, and I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I didn’t follow her. If I just stood there and waited for her to notice I wasn’t with her, how long would it take? And, once she had realised, would she say anything?

I doubted it. It seemed most likely that she would just assume I would start to follow her at some point, so she would refuse to come back for me. Or, she would try to make a point. Knowing her, she’d pretend that she hadn’t noticed I wasn’t with her and would complete her entire shop. I’d continue standing there until she got back, and then she’d make some pointed comment about how she hadn’t even noticed I wasn’t with her.

And that made me want to do it more. Stubbornness reared up within me, and I had to fight to keep moving. My body longed to stop, to cross my arms and wait. I could feel myself doing it in some other world. My feet were planted on the hard tarmac, and a smirk was on my face. She kept walking. She didn’t even glance back at me, not until she reached the door.

I saw the confusion and uncertainty cross her face, making smugness flare within me, but she just kept walking. The moment of hesitation was enough for me. A smile came over my face in real life, and I hurried after her. It wasn’t worth annoying her, not in this world. The happiness I had gained annoying her in my fantasy was enough to sustain me for now.

“Are you okay?” a voice asked, pulling me back into the fantasy.

Confusion washed over me as I stared at Seth, trying to work out why he was asking me that. Had I done something weird? I didn’t think so, but then I’d barely paid any attention to what was happening in that world, so I might have.

“Umm…” I started, wracking my brain to try to remember what he could possibly be talking about.

“After earlier,” he prompted me. “How’s your stomach now?”

My hand automatically went to it, and a wince crossed my face. It hurt a lot more in this world than in reality.

“It doesn’t feel great,” I said honestly.

“Do you need to go to the doctor?” Katie asked immediately.

“No, no, I’m okay,” I insisted. “It’s just kind of sore.”

Seth smiled at me sympathetically.

“That’ll happen,” he said. “I’ve been shot a few times, and it’s always really badly for a few days, but it gets better.”

I returned his smile before confusion hit me. He’d said that he’d held a gun before, he’d raised his hand in class, but I didn’t expect him to have been shot. I opened my mouth to ask for more information, but Abbie got there first.

“You were shot?” she said, sounding shocked. “Guns are illegal in the UK. How did that happen?”

“Oh… I—” Seth started to answer, but Abbie continued talking.

“Wait, were you wearing padding when you were shot too or have you been shot, like, for real?”

I looked at Seth, waiting for him to answer. He looked awkward, uncomfortable, and after a moment, he just shrugged and looked down at his food.

“It’s a long story,” was all he said.

I wanted to push him and find out more, but it was clear he didn’t want to talk about it. He was staring down at his plate, an unhappy look on his face. It wouldn’t be right to keep asking questions. I did really want to know though. Maybe one day I’d find out.

“Amanda?” I heard a voice call, and I blinked, looking around as a woman rushed up to my mom.

“Sophie!” she replied in the same enthusiastic tone. “How are you? It’s been so long!”

The woman hugged my mom, holding her tightly, and I just hovered awkwardly. I never really knew what to do when my mom met someone she knew and I was there too. She didn’t like it when I joined in the conversation, not that I tried that often, but then it felt weird for me not to. I settled for smiling at Mom’s friend and then glancing back at the shelf we had stopped in front of.

My eyes roamed the rows slowly as my mom started to catch up with the other person.

“Oh, I’m good! How are you? What are you doing up here? I thought you moved to England?” the friend asked.

“I’m great! Yes, yes, we did. We’re just visiting Mom and Dad. Oh,” my mom said, turning to me as if she had completely forgotten that I even existed, “Grace, you remember Sophie, don’t you? You met… it must have been ten or twelve years ago!”

I looked at the dark-haired woman who was smiling at me expectantly. I had never seen that person before in my life. I might have met her when I was a child, but I had no memory of it. But then, if I met her twelve years ago, I would have been essentially a toddler. I didn’t remember anything from then.

The way my mom was smiling at me pointedly told me that she wanted me to play along, even though I didn’t want to. In another world, I could feel myself answering and telling them both that I had no recollection of the woman. My mom would hate that so much, which made it very tempting.

But I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t worth it.

“Oh, yeah!” I said, echoing their tones but not quite as enthusiastically. “You two went to school together, right?”

It was a guess, a complete guess. I had been pretty sure that was right. Most of the people that Mom knew went to the same school. I think there was only one anywhere nearby, so it made sense.

Sophie’s smile stretched even wider.

“We did!” she confirmed. “And, let me tell you, your mom had a bit of a wild streak back then.”

Sophie’s eyes glinted.

“Oh, come now. I wouldn’t exactly call it a wild streak,” my mom said, but there was something in her tone that told me she loved it.

It made sense. She would have adored having people think of her as wild. She just loved knowing that people were thinking of her, even now.

Sophie laughed.

“I would! Or have you completely forgotten when you broke into Mr Campbell’s office and stole the bottle of scotch he kept in there?” Sophie asked.

I stared at my mom. That came as a complete surprise to me. I didn’t think my mom would ever do anything like that.

“I don’t think that I’d count it as breaking in,” my mom said, her voice strangely cool. “As I told Principle Rice, the door was unlocked.”

My mouth dropped open as Mom shrugged.

Sophie exploded into laughter, causing people to turn around and look at us. My mom was loving it, but my head was reeling. Was my mom actually cool at some point? That sounded like something that one of the popular kids would do at school, and then everyone would talk about it forever. She’d always told stories about her exploits in school, but they were so wild, so outlandish, that I wrote them off as another exaggeration, but… maybe I was wrong?

“I still can’t believe you got away with that!” Sophie cried. “How did you even know the bottle was in there?”

My mom’s smile widened as she watched the way Sophie was staring at her. She was enjoying the conversation, obviously, but there was more to it. She looked like she admired my mom.

“I had my ways,” was all my mom said.

“Incredible,” Sophie said. “But, what have you been up to recently?”

“Ah, not a lot. I’m mostly just running around after this one,” my mom said, cocking her head at me with an indulgent smile that I felt I had to return. “I mean, she does so many extracurriculars, but you’ll be applying for university before too long. We need to make sure your personal statement looks good, don’t we?”

My mom didn’t care about my personal statement, and I barely did any extracurriculars. I used to, but not anymore. It was all so that she’d look good in front of her friend, and I hated it, but I did understand the appeal of the lie.

Sophie had turned that awe-filled look towards me, and I felt myself stand taller.

“We do,” I said, playing along. “Hopefully, it’ll be enough to get me into a good university. I know the competition is tough.”

“Oh no, really?” Sophie asked sympathetically. “Which university have you got your eye on?”

My mind went blank. I was not expecting any kind of follow-up question, and now I couldn’t think of an answer.

“Oxford,” I blurted out stupidly.

I was not smart enough to go there. I knew that, and so did my mom. Sophie didn’t though. Her eyes widened slightly.

“Wow, that’s great! What do you want to study?”

“English,” I said after a pause.

It was the first subject I could think of, and I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t particularly enjoy it, but it seemed to have worked. Sophie smiled at me again.

“Fantastic!”

“Oh, yes,” my mom said, saving me from having to answer any other questions. “Although, the last time we spoke about it, you said you wanted to be a doctor! I guess you still have a couple of years to decide. But, enough about us. How are you? How’s everything going with Ryan?”

The smile slipped from Sophie’s face, and I glanced at my mom uncertainly. Her expression didn’t change at all. It was already a careful mask of sympathy and interest. She knew something was going on there.

“Oh…” Sophie started reluctantly. “Not too well, actually.”

My mom tutted understandingly.

“Ah, that’s difficult! All relationships go through ups and downs,” she said with a sage nod. “I know I’ve learnt that in my own marriage.”

“Oh, really?” Sophie asked, seeming to jump at the chance to change the subject.

I watched Mom interestedly. She didn’t like to admit any kind of failings, so I was intrigued to know what she was about to say. It would be a lie, most likely.

“Unfortunately,” my mom continued, her expression almost sad. “There was a learning curve with Stephen. The issue was his work ethic. He just always has to go above and beyond, which was so hard at first. I mean, he always makes an effort to spend time with us in the evenings and at the weekend, which does help. At least his new promotion should make it even easier too.”

Sophie’s smile seemed forced, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes. It was both a lie and a brag. Dad did work a lot, maybe too much, but I didn’t think he tried to spend that much time with us.

No, maybe that’s not right. I think he did, but he was always so tired from work that he couldn’t do too much. Plus, I spent most of my time hiding in my room from my mom. and she always gave him a list of chores and things to do at the weekend. so we didn’t get that much time together.

We did sometimes though. If Dad had to go out somewhere to get something that Mom had asked him to, I’d go with him. That was always so fun. A few weeks ago, we had to go out to get a new lawnmower because something was wrong with ours, and it was cutting the grass unevenly, apparently.

We went out really early and got breakfast sandwiches from a van at the side of the road, and then the first store we went to didn’t have the right lawnmower, so we had to go a couple of towns over to find it. It took forever to find the exact one that Mom had sent Dad a screenshot of. It took almost the whole day to find everything, and then Dad decided he wanted to get some paint for the fence. He only remember that after we left the shop where we finally found the lawnmower, so we ended up going back to the first shop.

It wasn’t anything particularly special. The day was just driving around and spending time together, but I loved it. I had such a good time.

“Oh, he got a promotion?” Sophie asked.

“He did,” my mom lied. “A big one too! But enough about Stephen. What happened with you and Ryan?”

Sophie’s expression faltered again, and I saw her shoulders sag.

“He cheated on me,” she said, her tone flat. “A lot.”

“Oh?” my mom said, encouraging Sophie to continue.

“Yeah. Turns out he’d been sleeping with some other woman for the last four years. He’s living with her now. Well, her and their two kids. Both girls.”

“Oh no,” my mom cried, touching a hand to her chest. “You always wanted two girls! How dreadful!”

“I know. But at least he’ll probably cheat on that sl—” Sophie stopped midway through the insult and glanced at me. “I’m sorry, Grace. This probably isn’t the best conversation to have in front of you!”

Mom glanced at me, her expression irritated. It seemed like she’d forgotten that I existed for a moment and was now annoyed that I was stopping her from being able to hear all of the juicy details of the scandal.

“Why don’t you take the trolley, Grace?” my mom asked, her tone making it clear that I couldn’t say no. “We still need to get some bread and some stuff for lunch.”

I glanced down at the half-filled trolley. We didn’t need bread, the baker always delivered it to us. It was clearly just an excuse to get me to leave so that Sophie would keep talking.

“Oh, sure,” I said.

Although part of me did want to call my mom out of her lie, I did want the excuse to walk away from her and Sophie. It’s not that I didn’t feel bad for Sophie, I did. I just was bored of hearing my mom’s blatant lies.

“You can get yourself some snacks, but nothing too sugary. You have a dentist appointment fairly soon!” she told me.

I opened my mouth to reply, but my phone buzzed in my pocket, distracting me.

“Okay,” was all I said as my mom pushed the trolley towards me.

I started to wheel it away, walking quickly. The text was from either Duncan or Phoebe. If it was Phoebe, I didn’t mind answering it in front of my mom, but…

“So, how did you find out?” I heard my mom ask as I reached the end of the aisle.