Inescapable Escapism

I smiled at Scott as I sat down but my eyes were already darting along the table towards Seth. Annoyingly, he was sitting at the other end. He had been when we walked in but Katie had loaded her plate and sat down before I had a chance to. It would have been weird for me not to sit with her and Abbie was following me closely so I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere else. I kind of wanted to sit near Seth but I knew it was stupid.

He was just a boy and I didn’t even know him. What would I have to say to him? But that didn’t matter. Not here. Here I could do whatever I wanted, talk to whoever I wanted. I didn’t need to worry about anything.

“So, we have assembly first thing,” Abbie said, picking nervously at her bacon. “What do you think they’re going to talk about in it?”

I shrugged as I cut into the hash brown on my plate. It was so deliciously crisp, perfectly so, but the inside was still fluffy and soft. All of the food at the academy had been so good so far. It was wonderful.

“I don’t know,” Katie said. “I guess just… normal introduction stuff?”

“What counts as normal introduction stuff at a spy school?” Scott muttered without looking up from his plate.

Katie laughed, the noise delighted and tinkling.

“Fair point. I truly have no clue,” she paused, cocking her head slightly. “I don’t think we’ve met yet. I’m Katie.”

At that, Scott glanced up but his expression was nervous. It was like he expected her to say something cruel. I was a little worried too. She was too pretty, too clearly popular. Although she has been nothing but nice to Abbie and me, I didn’t trust her. I knew too many people like her in real life. Too many people who were mean.

“Scott,” he said, watching her carefully.

She smiled at him and I waited, cautious of what she’d say next. However, she didn’t get the chance to respond because the door opened. Someone walked in, an adult, pushing a cart in front of them. There was a row of small white plastic cups on the trolley and a jug of water.

I felt my eyebrows pull together as I stared. Each of the cups seemed to have a label on, I could just about see the edge of one from where I was sitting but I couldn’t see anything more and I had no clue what was in the cups.

“Good morning,” the man said, smiling at us.

“Good morning,” a few people responded.

“Some of you already know me but I’m Rory and I’m the nurse here,” he told us. “Each and every morning, I’ll come around to bring you your medication. I met some of you yesterday when I dropped off your medications but from now on, I’ll deliver them during meal times, unless we’ve already spoken about it. If you don’t want to have your medication handed out during this time, feel free to stay seated for now and you can come and see me before or after assembly. How does that sound?”

He looked at us expectantly again but no one answered him. I wasn’t sure if he really expected an answer though. I mean, what were we meant to say? Surely, the people who didn’t want to have their pills in front of everyone wouldn’t want to speak and the rest wouldn’t have anything to say.

“Okay, great! So, obviously, not all of you are on medication at the moment but those of you who are can come and get them now. It’s only prescribed medication so if you feel there’s a supplement or something that you should have received but you’ve not gotten, just drop in to see me and we can sort it out,” he said with a kind smile. “Alright, up you come!”

There was a pause where no one moved. I thought for a moment that no one was going to go up and get their medication but, then Katie stood. She smiled shyly before squeezing past me and walking up to Rory.

“Ah, remind me of your name?” he asked as more people started to stand.

It was surprising just how many people went up to collect medication. I thought that it would have only been a couple of people, even though there were a bunch of cups on the trolley, but I think most of the cohort were on some kind of medication. That felt strange to me. I mean, what kind of pills would they all be on? Part of me longed to ask, wanting to know almost desperately, but I knew I shouldn’t. It felt so rude.

I tried not to stare at Katie as she returned but I was fully away that Abbie and I were watching her interestedly. She sat down, grabbed her water and drained it with a grimace.

“I hate those. They taste so bad,” she muttered, more to herself than us.

“Oh, really?” Abbie asked. “What do they taste like?”

Katie smiled but there was something uncomfortable about her expression.

“I mean… I’m anaemic so I’m on iron tablets and they just taste really…” she paused, searching for an answer, “metallic.”

Abbie laughed.

“Oh, ew! That sounds horrible.”

“Yeah, it really is! Luckily, my other pills don’t taste like anything,” Katie said with a shrug as she picked up her cutlery again.

“What are the other pills?” Abbie asked before her eyes widened and she froze. “Oh no, you don’t need to answer that! I’m sorry, sometimes I speak without thinking and I didn’t mean to! I’m just interested but you don’t need to tell us if you don’t want to.”

I watched her babbling with a grimace on my face. It was so awkward, so uncomfortable. I felt sorry for her but at the same time, part of me was glad that she’d asked the question. It was nosey and rude and I had no right to know but I was intrigued.

“Oh, it’s fine,” Katie said, her tone blithe but her posture didn’t match it.

Her hand gripped her fork so tightly that her knuckles were white and her jaw was clenched.

“No, really! I’m so sorry, that was so rude of me!” Abbie continued, somehow making it worse.

“No, no, I get it! It’s fine, I don’t mind talking about it,” Katie said. “I have depression and ADHD.”

My gaze snapped to her face. Somehow, I hadn’t seen that coming. She seemed so normal, so happy. How could she be depressed? I mean, I’d seen the bruises on her body, it was clear her home life wasn’t good but… I was still surprised. The way she said it was so… free. I was almost jealous.

“Oh!” Abbie said, looking relieved. “I didn’t think girls really had ADHD, isn’t that more of a boy thing?”

Katie laughed.

“I mean, I think more boys have it but I read this paper about it once that said they reckon that it’s just noticed in boys more than girls but that girls have it just as much. I don’t really know though,” she said with a shrug, some of the tension disappearing from her shoulders.

“Oh really? That’s so interesting. I wonder why that is,” Abbie said.

Katie shrugged.

“No clue.”

She continued eating and I wanted to say something else, to change the subject but my mind wouldn’t move on.

“You’re on medication for depression?” I blurted out.

Katie looked at me, confusion flickering across her face.

“Yeah?” she said unsurely.

There was something in her expression, something in the way she was watching me that made me realise she was worried about what I was about to say. I should have stopped, talked about something else, but I couldn’t help the question from slipping out.

“Does it help?”

It sounded so raw, so vulnerable. I hated sounding like that but I needed to know. I mean, I wasn’t depressed, I had no reason to be. My life was fine, there were so many other people out there who had it worse than me so I had no real reason to be. I was just sad sometimes but that was it. I was mostly just numb but that was fine. It was normal, I was sure. I’d always felt that way after all.

“Yeah,” Katie said after a slight pause. “I mean, it doesn’t fix everything but it makes life a little easier to deal with.”

I didn’t have a response to that. I wanted life to feel easier.

“This car park is so busy,” my mother grumbled loudly, pulling me out of the fantasy.

I blinked and looked around, my heart still gripped with longing. I couldn’t bring myself to speak to her though. I had nothing to say.

What would she say if I told her that I wanted to go on medication? If I wanted to go on antidepressants? She’d mock me, I was certain. I mean, I didn’t have it bad. I had somewhere to live, there was always enough food and I wasn’t being abused. I was just… sad. If I stopped to think about it for too long, I realised that. It had become so normal for me that I barely even noticed it so I could ignore it and just feel nothing. Maybe if I had the medication, I’d feel something. Maybe even something good?

No, I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t depressed. I was fine.

“There we go. I swear, no one knows how to park around here,” my mom complained as she pulled into a parking space.

Again, I said nothing. I waited, my mind churning slowly, for her to finish applying her lipstick before squeezing out of the car. She’d parked so close to the car next to hers, I could barely get out but she had no difficulty.

I raced across the parking after her. She didn’t bother waiting for me but I didn’t expect her to either, she never did. It didn’t matter, I caught up with her before we reached the door to O’Connells.

As we entered, I was hit with a wall of noise and the scent of fried food. My mouth started to water. I wasn’t sure what exactly had been fried, all I knew was that I wanted to eat it. I was going to. I would find a way to have something fried for dinner, even though my mom would definitely have something to say about it.

“Table for two,” my mom said as we approached the hostess.

She looked up at us in surprise and I felt like her eyes lingered on our clothes for a little bit too long. It made sense. We were both wearing dresses and my mom was in heels. Everyone else in the pub was wearing much more casual clothes, mostly just jeans. Even the hostess was just wearing jeans and a crimson top with the name of the pub scrawled across it. We were so out of place.

“Of course,” the hostess said, grabbing a couple of menus and starting to walk towards the back of the room. “Have you eaten here before?”

“Yes,” my mother said in a sharp voice that made me cringe.

It just felt so unnecessarily rude and I hated it. The woman was just being polite, she was doing her job. My mom didn’t need to act like that.

We stopped at a booth and the woman smiled at us again.

“How’s this one?” she asked.

“Fine,” my mom said, not even looking at the woman as she slid onto the bench.

“Thank you,” I said to the hostess, my tone deliberate and pointed.

I’m not sure what came over me but I was so irritated by my mom. It angered me. I just didn’t get why she had to be so dismissive.

“You’re very welcome! Here are your menus, do you have any dietary requirements?” the hostess asked, looking at me.

“I’m a vegetarian but apart from that, no.”

“Oh, fantastic! I am too! Can I recommend the halloumi fries? They’re my favourite,” she said, pointing at them on the menu. “The seasoning mix they use on them is just delicious.”

That did sound good.

“Thanks,” I told her. “I might have to get those.”

The woman’s smile widened.

“Great! Okay, your server Jackie will be over in just a few minutes to take your drink order but if you need anything else, just let me know,” she said, before walking away from us.

My mom huffed loudly.

“Well, she was certainly friendly, wasn’t she?” Mom said in a snide tone.

I made a noncommittal noise. I had no idea what she meant by that and I didn’t really care to ask. Ignoring her, I turned the menu over, looking at the drink options. They were fairly normal, just standard options. I was probably just going to go for a diet coke.

“Why would we order the halloumi?” my mom continued with a snort when it became clear that I wasn’t going to answer her. “I mean, look at her. She could do with laying off the fries and maybe trying a salad!”

Anger flashed through me and, in that moment, I decided I was going to order the halloumi fries. It was such a stupid and petty thing for my mom to say and there was nothing wrong with the woman, she had a great figure. My mom was just being cruel. I should have been used to it but I was still annoyed.

Part of me longed to return to the fantasy where I was still eating breakfast with the others. We were chatting freely, I could almost feel my mouth moving as I spoke, hear Katie, Abbie and Scott laugh at something I said. I didn’t want to though. The thought of going back there made me kind of sad. I knew that any time Katie laughed, it would make me envious. I’d think about how easily she could do it, how happy she seemed.

It’s stupid. She might not actually feel that happy, it could all be an act but… it felt so real. I wished I could feel that way or at least fake it as convincingly as she did. Maybe if I faked happiness for long enough, I’d actually start to feel it.

“Hello,” another woman said as she approached the table. “I’m Jackie and I’ll be your server for the evening. Have you decided on some drinks or do you want me to come back?”

My mother raised an eyebrow but didn’t look up from her menu.

“I’m ready to order now,” I told Jackie with a smile. “Can I just get a diet coke?”

“Sure, is Pepsi alright?”

Part of me wanted to say no, just to see what would happen, but I already felt bad for the woman for having to put up with my mom and she hadn’t even spoken yet. I just knew she’d be rude.

“That’s great, thank you.”

“Wonderful,” Jackie said, scribbling down my order. “And will that be a half pint or a whole?”

I considered it for just a moment before deciding.

“Whole, please.”

“Fantastic. And, what would you like?”

My mom barely looked up.

“Just a glass of your house red. Large.”

“Great. And are you ready to order food now too?” the waitress asked, looking at me again.

“Yeah, I am. Are you?” I asked my mom.

She didn’t answer for a moment, slowly reading the menu and taking her time to do so.

“I guess.”

I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes.

“Can I get the halloumi fries to start and then the mac and cheese for mains?” I asked the waitress, very aware of my mom’s gaze on my face.

“Oh, I didn’t know we were having starters,” she said in a tone that told me I was making a mistake. “Are you sure you want cheese for both courses?”

There was a correct answer to that question and it wasn’t the one I was about to give. Reluctance fluttered within me before being squashed and replaced with something stronger. Something that cared less.

“Yeah, the other waitress made the halloumi fries sound so good so I thought I’d give them a go,” I said in a light tone.

“You’ve definitely made the right decision, they’re great,” Jackie told me, with a smile. “And, what would you like?”

My mom continued to stare at me for a moment. I wasn’t sure what the expression on her face was. It was close to irritation or annoyance but there was something more there too. Almost a cautiousness. She was concerned by my actions, confused at least. I think she didn’t expect me to stand up to her, she wasn’t used to it.

That made me kind of happy but I’m not sure that it should have. Part of me was… almost proud of myself. It made me feel better, a little lighter.

“I will have the battered haddock,” my mom decided.

That surprised me. I think that she liked fish and chips but she rarely actually had it. She generally just decided to have something healthier, like a salad. She didn’t today though.

“No starter?” Jackie asked, looking at my mom expectantly.

Mom started to open her mouth, undoubtedly to refused before shutting it and looking down at the menu again.

“The nachos,” she said finally.

I tried to keep the surprise off of my face but I knew that I was unsuccessful. I just couldn’t believe that she’d ordered nachos. It felt so… weird. Suspicion started to enter me, paranoia nipping at my mind.

What if it didn’t feel like my mom because it wasn’t? What if this was a fantasy? I’d entered them before without really noticing too much, it could have happened again. I could be in a fantasy where my mom was kinder, where she cared less about what she ate or looking a certain way.

I looked around as Jackie took the menus from us. The restaurant looked the same as it had when we’d walked in, I was almost sure of it but… I hadn’t really been paying too much attention. All I noticed was that people were dressed mostly in jeans and there was that nice hostess. My eyes scanned the room, looking for her. If she was there, I would know that I was in reality.

But I couldn’t find her. She wasn’t there. Desperation started to gather in my stomach and I felt my mind reaching out, trying to find a way home but nothing felt right. I brushed past countless worlds, countless dizzinesses with slightly different feels. What would happen if I could never find a way home?

“Who are you looking for?” my mom asked in a sharp tone.

Relief washed through me as I spotted the hostess. She was seating an older couple on the other side of the restaurant, I hadn’t been able to see her around the bar. She caught my eye and smiled.

“No one,” I told my mom.

We were in reality. I was still there.

My mom scoffed and I saw her start to open her mouth but I didn’t want to hear what she was going to say next. Being in the fantasy world where I would be reminded that I could be happy had to be better than being with my mom.

I fell heavily into a seat as vertigo rocked me, making me feel off balance. The folding chair skidded back slightly but luckily, no one looked at me. They were too distracted by the four adults, teachers probably, who sat at the front of the room. I smiled when my eyes met Ms Brice’s before looking away again.

It felt kind of strange to be having an assembly with so few of us. I mean, I’d only been in ones at my school before and that was full school ones. There were hundreds of kids crammed into the hall but here? I turned my head, counting quickly. There were only twenty-five of us.

That felt like two little and it made me wonder how big the whole school was, the academy. Surely there couldn’t be hundreds of students there if our cohort only had twenty-five. But then I didn’t know how often they had new students coming in. Was it a frequent thing? I really wasn’t sure. If it was a constant thing that they did whenever they moved people out of the induction wing, there could be a lot of people in the academy but if it only happened once or twice a year… I wasn’t sure.

“Good morning,” Ms Brice said, causing the whispers to stop immediately. “I hope you’re all having a pleasant time here so far. We just wanted to welcome you to the school and announce your official Academy houses!”

The three other teachers at the front of the classroom clapped, the noise sudden and unexpected. I glanced at them, eyeing them carefully, before looking back to Ms Brice who hadn’t even stood to address us. I’m not sure that I expected to see her again but I was glad that I had. I knew her, at least a little bit. More than the other teachers. That was reassuring to me.

“Now,” she continued, “houses work a little differently here in the Academy to how they might have in your previous schools. Whilst you’re in the induction period, house points are counted separately from the rest of the school, but once you leave… you’ll enter a very competitive fight. It’s a lot of fun.”

“Go Hallowes!” one of the men at the front of the room cheered.

I watched him in confusion. I assumed that was the name of one of the houses but it was strange. At my last school, no one really cared about their houses. The school tried to make it a thing, pitting classes against each other during sports days but it was always half-assed at best.

Ms Brice smiled indulgently at the man.

“We all have a bit of a soft spot for our houses,” she told us with a smile before resuming her normal professional tone. “The houses are named after famous spies throughout history who may or may not have worked with the Academy in one capacity or another. Some were technically before our time but… that doesn’t mean they didn’t contribute.”

I had no clue what she meant by that but, judging on the expressions of the tutors at the front of the room, they did. I’d need to google it later or ask someone but, I glanced at Katie and Abbie out of the corner of my eyes, they looked just as baffled as I was.

“How this works,” the man who had cheered earlier announced in a booming voice, “is that you’re going to approach the front of the room and find the envelope with your name on. That’ll have your house pin in it. If your name’s not there… something’s gone wrong.”

He started to laugh but panic shot through me. What if my name wasn’t there?