Inescapable Escapism

That thought chilled me. I was so ready to die, even though there was a fight bubbling within me beneath the surface. It was difficult. I knew that it wasn’t my fight, it wasn’t my world and those thoughts weren’t my own, but at the same time, I was furious. In that world, I had been trained, prepared, my whole life to accept what was to come and to die. But I didn’t want that to happen. It was inevitable, there was no fight to be had, but I wanted to fight.

Who would I even fight? The priest? The bishops? No. That wouldn’t work. They would fight back and the town would too. We were being sent out, it was to protect the others.

Did they deserve it? I still didn’t really know what was happening but I knew that I was being sent out there to die somehow. That something was waiting for us beyond the gates and that would be it. Our lives would be over.

I looked down at the dress I was wearing and everything clicked into place. We weren’t brides. The outfits were intentional but we weren’t brides. They wanted us to be visible, to look pure and virginal, like they claim brides should be. They argue that our souls will join the One Who Sees All, that we will become his brides, but that was a lie.

The town made a show of it, they liked to use it as a reminder to the younger girls, to show them that they were never truly safe. They thought that would keep them in line and stop them from acting out too much. For the rest of the people, the church liked to show them that they were actually doing something to help. They liked to pretend that throwing a bunch of defenceless girls out to whatever waited for us beyond the gates made the things, that haunted our nightmares and kept us scared and cowering inside whenever the sun went down, were controllable.

They needed people to believe that even when their animals were snatched in the night and their crops destroyed. It kept people passive, it stopped them from fighting back. After all, the creatures were sent from the One Below to punish us. It was only because of the One Who Sees All’s kindness that we were allowed to live and, with His blessing, our deaths would be quick. Painless.

I knew that was a lie, both versions of me did. What was coming would hurt. I would be ripped apart by the monsters I had caught just glimpses of before. We weren't allowed to see them, of course. That would defeat the purpose. If we saw them, if we saw the razor-sharp claws that glinted in the moonlight or the teeth that clearly had the power to bite through skin and bones without hesitation, we wouldn't have gone willingly.

They needed that. The priest didn’t want us to put up a fight which is why they lied and told us that we were chosen by god and that it wouldn’t hurt to die. We knew they were lies but we didn’t question them. Why would we? It was inevitable, what was about to happen. If we refused to go out, they’d force us out anyway. It’s better to walk willingly into the unknown, right? To go out to our deaths with our heads held high.

“Grace, are you almost finished in there?” my mom asked, knocking sharply on the bathroom door.

I blinked, dizziness rushing through me and I quickly took in my surroundings. I was sitting on the toilet and I had no clue how long I had been there but my feet were numb so it was probably a while. I needed an excuse. My eyes fell on my toiletries bag.

“No,” I said quickly. “My hair is really dry so I’m doing a deep conditioning mask and then I’m going to shower.”

I heard her sigh through the door. She didn’t bother replying to me but she grumbled under her breath as she stormed away.

I don’t know why she was so angry about it. There was another bathroom at the bottom of the stairs so she didn’t have to go far and I knew that she wasn’t going to shower. She always showered in the morning. It didn’t matter, I was already returning to the other world.

The priest was looking at us and talking, the breeze was caressing my skin and my sister clutched my hand tightly but my mind was elsewhere. I had done it one night. I knew that I shouldn’t have and I knew how risky it was but I was curious. I climbed onto the roof of my parent’s house, knowing how dumb it was, the boy following me.

It was a deliberate choice, even if it was a stupid one. If one of the creatures were to sweep down and attack us for being out in the open at night, I wanted it to happen there. I would push the boy away, hopefully off the roof, and I wouldn’t even fight. My parent’s house would be damaged and stained with my blood. They deserved it. I wanted them to be marked forever because of the decision they made for me.

They didn’t come for me that night, though. I was a little disappointed, if I’m being honest. I was ready but, as I stood on the wooden stage, staring out at the people who were about to watch us walk to our deaths and then go home and be safe, I realised I was no longer ready. I didn’t want to do it anymore, I didn’t want to die.

But there was no alternative. There was no way for me to survive apart from if there was some form of divine intervention but I was pretty sure that wasn’t going to come. It wouldn’t, couldn’t. There was no way that the One Who Sees All would spare me, I knew that.

I hadn’t lived a pure life. I had actively made immoral decisions, I had been rude and difficult. I didn’t try to live my life according to the teachings that were forced upon us. The One Who Sees All would not intervene and help me.

The girl next to me squeezed my hand as a loud noise echoed through the air. It was somewhere between a bird cry and a laugh, the sound harsh and seeming to come from all directions. The effect was immediate. The crowd ducked, some scattered, running for cover. The priest and bishops looked up at the sky, trying to find the creature.

I did the same, my eyes scanning the darkening sky. I couldn’t see it though. There were some dots on the horizon but they were so far away that I couldn’t be sure what they were. We still had time. Not much but some.

It scared the priest though, I think. He looked at us before looking back at the crowd. We hadn’t moved. My sisters and I had not even faltered. There was no point, they would be our end even if we ran. Plus, they wanted us to run. Once we were thrust out into the world beyond the fence, we were expected to scatter. We had to give the creatures a challenge. To make it fun for them so that they didn’t choose to go after the people in the village.

“And now, it is time for one final prayer to the One Who Sees All, thanking Him

for the decision He has made and asking him to be with our daughters as the end arrives and to protect them from the One Below,” the priest called over the noise of people chattering fearfully. “Please, join me in silent prayer.”

I had never seen this part before. Everyone in the village had to bear witness to it but not us. We weren’t allowed to see what was about to happen, it might corrupt us, we were told. I think they just didn’t want us to hear the screams that followed but that didn’t work. They were too loud, we always heard them.

At first, when I was younger and dumber, I actually looked forwards to that day every year. Everyone had to go to the ceremony so we had free rein of the building. It was great. We’d break into the pantry, eat all of the sweets and cakes that the bishops hid, take long luxurious baths, or find the wine that was stashed away for church events. Sometimes we’d try and clean everything up before they got back but the evening always turned sombre. Once the night sky was filled with screaming that nothing, not even endless bottles of wine, could drown out, we gave up.

It changed things. It made things too real and reminded us of what was to come. The waiting was the hardest part, I think. For me, at least. Some of the girls seemed to believe what the priest had said, they didn’t mind waiting because it was what the One Who Sees All wanted, but I hated it. Some of the others did too, like Sally.

She was in our dorm but it became too much for her. The bishops tried talking to her after she broke down during a church service one day. I’m not sure what triggered it exactly or what they said to her when they hurried her from the room but she wasn’t the same after. She climbed over the fence a couple days later. I don’t know how she did it because that thing was a solid wooden mess but we all heard the noise when the creatures found her. She couldn’t run, the fall had robbed her of that ability, I assume. They had said she was selfish for doing that. That she had risked everyone in the town.

“Thank you,” the priest said before turning towards us.

“What are you doing in there?” my mom’s voice called through the door.

Panic and dizziness rushed through me. I was literally just standing in the middle of the room, staring blankly at the wall. I hadn’t been doing anything, my phone was still in my pocket. One hand shot out to brace myself on the wall and I looked around, my eyes finding my reflection.

Relief hit me. I had already put the hair mask in without realising. That made it easier. I heard my mom rattle the door handle, feeling grateful that the lock was a sliding bolt. There was no way she could open it from the outside.

“I’m just waiting for the hair mask to soak in,” I called back to her.

There was a moment of silence and I knew that my mom didn’t believe me. She would be suspicious that I was up to no good in the bathroom, that I’d suck in alcohol or drugs or was texting a boy or something.

“Fine. Don’t leave it in for too long, your hair will get greasy,” she told me.

“Okay,” I replied, not bothering to wait until her footsteps disappeared down the hall to slip back into the dream.

We were moving. The ground was solid beneath my feet, barely used compared to the rest of the paths. My hand was still clasping the other girl’s but we were no longer on the stage. I stared at the bishops who were lifting the heavy wooden beams away from the gate, preparing to open it.

It was time. The end was here. My death awaited me just a few steps away. A violent shudder of fear ripped through me and I wanted to cry. I had planned to walk out of the town with my shin held high but I couldn’t do it. My grip on Isabelle, that was her name, tightened. I didn’t want to die alone.

With a loud thud that shook the very ground beneath my bare feet, the bishops dropped the beams. It was happening too fast, it was all too soon.

“Girls,” the priest said, causing us to turn. He was standing in front of the crowd behind us so that, if anything was waiting on the other side of the gates, we’d be eaten before him. “You know your duties. Go fulfil the divine mission that the One Who Sees All entrusted to you.”

That was it. That was the only goodbye we were getting.

And he was smirking at us. The crowd couldn’t see but we could. He looked thrilled. I bet he couldn’t wait to hear us be killed. He’d probably fall asleep with his windows open, listening to the symphony of our deaths.

I wanted to attack him. I longed to wait until the gate was open and then pounce on him. I wasn’t sure if I would drag him out beyond the wall or if I would just hit him, making it so they couldn’t shut the gate. Maybe, it would take so long that the creatures that the One Below sent would arrive and they’d kill him and everyone in the village too.

Movement towards the back of the crowd caught my eye. Jasper. He said he wouldn’t come, why did he? His gaze was fixed on mine and, even from how far away he was, I could see that he was crying. He didn’t want me to go. I didn’t want to either. I longed to rush towards him, collapse into his arms and let him hold me, whispering that I was safe, that I’d be okay.

He was a good person, a good man. That’s the thing that hurt me the most. If I had met him before, before my parents had sent me to the priest, I probably wouldn’t be in that position. His dad was respected, he built half of the houses in the village, people looked up to him and Jasper was already proving himself to be just as skilled. My parents would have accepted that match, we would have been happy together. But it was too late. My fate had already been determined.

I wished he hadn’t come. He promised me he wouldn’t. That would have made my decision easier, I could have been selfish. I couldn’t do that anymore. Not once I saw him. I needed to protect him, even if it meant I had to die.

I turned back towards the gates, catching a glimpse of the field beyond through the crack in between the doors. The other girls copied me but the soft sound of sobbing filled the air. They didn’t want to go either. I needed to be strong for them, even if I hated it and everything about what was to happen. If we stayed, more people would die. We had to go.

I had to protect Jasper.

That thought gave me enough strength to hold my tears in and keep my posture straight as I walked out of the town I had lived in my whole life. The rest of the girls followed, my movement snapping them out of their indecision and fear. One girl sprinted past me, loud sobs echoing after her, but the next girl was silent. A smile was on her face as she started to jog, eager to give the monsters what they needed for the One Who Sees All. He requested we run, after all.

I hadn’t really thought about that before but now I realised why they had made such a big point of the fact that we needed to run as soon as we were out of the gates. It was so that we would be further away when the monsters reached us and they hopefully wouldn't notice the village or they’d be too distracted by us. We were the better hunt after all.

Another screech sounded, causing most of the other girls to shriek in fear and began running. I did too, bounding forwards towards the long grass that surrounded our town, looking around for Isabelle. If we reached the forest all the way in the distance, maybe we’d be free. We could just about see it from the roof of the church. We’d promised each other we’d try and get there but now I couldn’t see her.

It was stupid, I knew it was, but I slowed. My eyes were searching the space, looking for Issy. It should have been easy. Her white dress had a bow on the back of it, no one else’s did.

I came to a stop, turning slowly.

She was still standing by the now-closed gate. She had barely even moved. Her gaze found mine.

“What are you doing?” I shouted over the noise of my sisters crying and running, the swish of the long grass against their dresses surprisingly loud.

“I’m waiting,” she replied simply.

“For what?”

I should have run, I should have followed the instructions but I started walking towards her instead. It didn’t take long for me to reach her.

“Them,” she said, her eyes finding the giant bird creatures in the sky.

They were getting closer.

I looked back at her.

“Issy, we have to run,” I said, my tone pleading as I reached out and took her hand.

I don’t know why it mattered to me so much. It was stupid but I think I thought we had a better chance of survival if we ran.

“I’m staying here, Gracie,” she told me, lifting a hand to tuck my hair behind my ear. “This is where I’m going to die, I want them to hear it. I want my family to hear it.”

“But, if we run—”

“Nothing will happen. The One Who Sees All won’t save us. There’s a better chance that the One below will,” she said with a soft chuckle.

I could see that she’d made her decision. Her expression was determined but I still needed to try. She was my best friend, my sister.

“Please, Issy,” I whispered, tears burning behind my eyes.

She shook her head and stepped back slightly.

“I’m dying here, Gracie. I’m ready to. You need to run. You’re better than me, purer than me. Maybe you’ll be saved,” she said.

Neither of us believed it. I think she just didn’t want me to be there when she died. It was selfish but I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to see it.

“One day I’ll see you again,” I told her, stepping forwards and leaning my forehead against hers in a move I’d seen older women use with their family. “In the Eternal Plains.”

The promised afterlife. I scoffed whenever the priest or bishop mentioned it normally but at that moment, I wanted to believe it existed.

“I’ll save you a space,” she told me. “But you’re going to escape. You’ll be old and withered by the time you get there.”

I laughed but it was more of a sob.

“I love you.”

“I love you. Now, go,” she said, pushing me away. “You need to run. Escape, Gracie. Do it for both of us.”

I couldn’t let go of her hand. Tears blinded me and I didn’t want to go but she pushed me again.

Turning, I started to walk across the sunbaked mud away from my sister, trying to hold back tears. Harpies shrieked again, the noise so close to me. It was enough to send fear through my heart and clear my mind. I needed to run. I had to try.

I glanced back at Issy one last time as she sunk to the ground, leaning heavily against the gate, a hand touching her stomach. I had to run. Swiping away my tears and taking a deep, shuddering breath, I started to sprint. I could barely see. The grass got taller the further away from the village I ran until it was taller than I was.

I raced blindly, sometimes seeing flashes of the other girls but I tried to ignore their paths. I couldn’t follow them. If we stayed together, there was more of a chance that we’d be caught but if we split up, we were safer. Or, at least, that’s how it felt. I’m not sure if it was true.

My foot landed on something sharp, forcing me to stop. I looked down, barely able to see the giant thistle I’d stepped on. I walked a few careful steps away, looking around and glancing at the sky. The harpies were almost at us. They crowed in celebration and excitement, eager to feast. I needed to keep moving but I had to deal with my foot first. I was in too much pain, I couldn’t run like that.

I balanced carefully, lifting my foot to stare at my sole. A few stray scraps of spiky thistle clung to it and I peeled them off quickly. I didn’t have time to do anything more. I needed to keep moving.

Moving at a slower pace, my foot still throbbing with pain, I continued through the wilderness as the cries from the creatures got louder and louder until suddenly a scream pierced the air. I stared in the direction of the shout as a wet crunch sounded, followed by silence.

The girl was dead. One of my sisters was dead. I didn’t know which one but I couldn’t stop to think about it. I started to run again.

Long grass whipped my legs and thistles stung my feet as more and more screams filled the air. Some were so close to me and I hated that I did nothing to help them but I couldn’t stop moving. I needed to try, I had to get away.

My head whipped from side to side as I ran. It was too dark, I could barely see where I was going and I had no plan other than to move as quickly as I could away from the village. A bird cry sounded just above me and I ducked instinctively, my hand pressing against my mouth to muffle my terrified sob.

Whimpers and cries filled the air, the noise oppressive and suffocating. My sisters, my fellow sacrifices, were dying. They were being ripped apart by ungodly creatures. Just like they were meant to.

I pushed myself up again, darting forward. My chest was so tight it hurt and the stitch in my side felt like I was being stabbed with each breath but I kept going. I had to be close to the forest that lined the wilderness around our village. If I got there, maybe I’d be safe.

But I never got to find out. My left foot came down hard on something that splinted and gave way, impaling me. I fell hard, my breath leaving me in a whoosh. I was dazed, stunned by the pain that made lights explode in my vision, and for a moment, I couldn’t even breathe.

Then I heard the noise. The loud, wet panting that we’d told stories about in the night when we were younger and it seemed like we’d never be sent to face the creature. I’m sure they have a name but I didn’t know it. Even the priests didn’t call them by name, just description.

Helplessness gripped me and I stayed on the floor as the lumbering creature passed me. It was blind, I knew that. It had no sense of smell either. As long as I was silent, I was safe.

We’d been told they were once men. That they were people who turned their backs on the One Who Sees All and that was how he had decided to punish them. I didn’t know if I believed that, I probably didn’t, but I couldn’t move until I could no longer hear its gasping breaths. There would be more around, I needed to keep moving.