Inescapable Escapism

“It’s… alright,” I said carefully.

Ms Brice laughed, filling me with confusion. I watched her out of the corner of my eyes, not sure how to act or react.

“Grace, it’s okay if you’re struggling with being coped up on the bus. You’ve been there for a long time, longer than we anticipated. It’s alright to be struggling with that,” she told me, her tone kind.

My body sagged slightly at her words as relief washed through me, even if I didn’t fully trust what she was saying. It felt like a lie. As much as she was trying to reassure me that it was okay and normal, I didn’t know that I could actually admit that I was struggling. Surely, that would come across as weak and I couldn’t be weak. They hadn’t chosen me to be trained to be a spy because I was weak.

“It’s not ideal,” I admitted, “but I am enjoying learning about the department and everything that’s going to happen when I get to the Academy.”

It was almost the truth. Part of me was enjoying that but also I hated being trapped in the bus. I wanted to escape, to get out and never look back, but I knew that I needed to. I had to go back into the bus and be locked in again.

“That’s fantastic. Hopefully, we should arrive there in the morning and you’ll be free to roam around the induction wing with the rest of your cohort,” Ms Brice told me.

I swallowed, looking away from her to stare at the ground.

The grass was dry and sparse. I could see the cracked ground beneath it. It looked like it hadn’t rained in weeks, if not longer. Summer had been really warm so far in reality but I wasn’t sure what it had been like in this world. Maybe it had been really warm too or maybe my earlier suspicions were correct and we were no longer in England. Would I know? I wasn’t sure.

Probably not. I mean, normally, the only way to know that I’ve gone to a different country is because I go through an airport or something but with driving and being on the bus, it could have just happened. I could have crossed countless borders without even knowing.

I pushed that panic aside. There was no point in me even worrying about it now. I was already there and there was no way I could get back. Plus, it was just a fantasy. It didn’t really matter. My fantasies couldn’t impact real life so I could just go along with them and see what happened.

My chest throbbed so hard in real life that it almost pulled me out of the fantasy. I tried to stay in it as I felt my mouth open but I had to come back. I blinked, slowly letting the world come back into focus, and looked around. I was standing in the car park of the restaurant, my hand still resting on the top of the door.

My body ached but I immediately worked out why. I had just stood up. I had been sitting down but we had just arrived at the hotel and I had climbed out of the car. That’s why I was hurting. I took a slow, deep breath and shut the car door before following my mom across the cobbled car park.

I could feel the dizziness reaching for me again. It wanted me to dive towards it and return to the field, wherever it was, where I was talking to Ms Brice. I wanted to too but I resisted. I forced myself to stay firmly in reality and to ignore how tempting it was to go back to the other world. I wanted to know what we were talking about. Were we still talking about how I was finding being on the bus or had it moved on to something more interesting?

The dizziness became more insistent but I pushed it away and sped up, ignoring the ache that caused. Somehow, my mom managed to walk much faster than me even though she was wearing giant heels. I had no clue how she did it. The cobbled ground was unsteady, slippery almost, but she navigated it without any sign of difficulty. Part of me wanted to mention that, to ask her how she did it. It was probably just practice, but it was impressive.

I decided to stay silent as we entered the building that I’d been to with my mom and grandparents so many times. I’d already been there just a few days ago and yet I still found myself being distracted by how wonderful it was. The building was old, grand. The portraits were from a different time and the gently crackling fireplace, despite how warm it was outside, made it feel like I had slipped into a dream or a fantasy.

I didn’t have any dizziness though. There was none of the usual vertigo or nausea. It was reality, it just felt like a fantasy. My daydream pulled at me again, trying to tempt me into returning but I forced myself to stay present, looking around at my surroundings in an attempt to help me stay.

It didn’t really help though. My gaze bounced around the room, not really focusing on anything as we made our way through the hotel towards the restaurant. The steady clicking of my mom’s heels against the marble floor, mixed with the quiet buzz of whispers somehow were making it harder for me not to slip away. Every single item or person that my eyes landed on caused dizziness to nip at me. It felt a little different each time and I knew that each one was a different world, a different fantasy.

I couldn’t feel anything about those places but I didn’t want to. They made the memory of Aaron’s heartbroken face as he watched me die float to the front of my mind. I couldn’t go back to a world like that.

Luckily, we had reached the restaurant by that realisation. As soon as we passed through the doors, it became easier for me to stay in reality. It was louder, significantly louder. Voices floated across the room towards me, couples and older families were chatting freely, the atmosphere much more lively.

“Table for two?” the waiter asked as we approached.

“Yes, please,” my mom replied, barely even looking at him.

The man smiled and lead us across the restaurant towards a small table, stopping beside it.

“How’s this one?”

“It’s fine,” Mom replied as she slipped into the chair and looked around at the other nearby tables.

“Thank you,” I told the man as I sat opposite her and accepted the menu from him.

“No problem. I’ll be back over shortly to take your drink order,” he said before turning and walking away.

I scanned the drinks menu, even though I knew that I was probably just going to get water or a coke. There were some weird drinks on the menu, as there always were at the hotel. The fancy-sounding cordials and options like rose lemonade always tempted me a little but I wasn’t interested enough to actually try them. I wasn’t even sure what rose lemonade would taste like. What if it was bad? I feel like my mom would expect me to just drink it anyway or she’d tell me off about the amount of sugar in it. No, I would just order a coke.

I wasn’t sure what to order for food though. I turned to the food page, reading my options. Luckily, they always really clearly marked what was vegetarian and what wasn’t which I appreciated. Last time, when I had come with my grandparents, I’d had the salad but I didn’t want that again. My eyes were drawn to the vegetarian burger immediately. That looked so good. It had a homemade patty and smoked cheese which I adored but then the roasted vegetable pasta sounded delicious too.

I read the descriptions again, my eyes being drawn to something that I’d missed before. The vegetable pasta had roasted garlic. That made my decision for me. I loved roasted garlic.

I closed the menu and looked around the room before glancing at my mom. She was still scanning the menu, her lips pursed.

“What are you thinking?” I asked, the suddenness of my question surprising both of us. “Of having for dinner…”

I felt silly adding it but she looked so confused by my phrasing that I felt like I needed to clarify.

“Oh,” she said. “Maybe the salmon. I’m feeling fish.”

“That sounds nice,” I replied.

Her lips twitched up into a smile but it was quickly squashed back down. Silence stretched out between us and I looked around the room again. Every other table was talking. Even the people who were eating were taking turns to converse. We were the only table who were sitting in silence. It felt horrible, uncomfortable, even though we spent most of our time together without speaking.

“What are you going to have?” my mom asked after a while.

“I think the vegetable pasta,” I replied.

“Mmm.”

There was nothing else to say. I looked at her awkwardly but she’d already looked away from me, glancing back at her menu. My mind wanted me to reach out for the dizziness that floated so close to me but, for some reason, I fought to stay. I wanted to be present, to be with my mom. The longer we went without speaking, the stronger that dizziness became. It was so hard not to disappear into another world where I could feel the conversation flowing much easier and I wasn’t strong enough to stay.

“But, it is what it is,” I heard Ms Brice say as I returned.

She laughed, dismissing whatever annoyance she had just been talking about and I pushed myself to join in as memories flooded into me.

We were halfway around the field now, our steps slow and leisurely. We’d been chatting about nothing of importance, just small things about the world and how it was going but now the conversation lulled. Anxiety hit me but I’m not sure why. It felt a little like it was my fault. In reality, I hadn’t been able to keep the conversation flowing and now I couldn’t in the fantasy either. I’d been fine before I had actually arrived when my body was working on autopilot or whatever was happening. It was only now that I was there that it was an issue.

“So how’s everything going with the syllabus now?” I asked, grasping at straws and remembering a tiny scrap of conversation that we’d had previously. “Did you manage to sort out the issue with the live ammunition and plants and stuff?”

A smile came over Ms Brice’s face that filled me with joy. She seemed surprised that I had remembered and actually asked her about it.

“Ah, pretty much,” she said with a soft chuckle. “We’re allowing the use of live ammunition towards the end of the induction period so that your cohort have longer to get used to it and we’ve added in a few classes to explain the dangers of some of the specific plants and Charlie has now finished planning those so it should be alright.”

She shook her head but there was a slight smile on her face that made me think she wasn’t too frustrated about it.

“Why does the tutor want us to use live ammunition so soon?” I asked.

I wasn’t too interested in the answer, I just wanted to keep the conversation going.

“Ah, that one I do actually understand. There’s quite a big difference between using non-lethal and live ammunition. It takes a while to get used to and I think, no matter how much protective gear you’re wearing, it’s scary getting shot at for the first time. The sooner we can get rid of that fear, the better,” she explained.

I nodded, thinking back to Crete and the first time the Stirlings shot at me. It was terrifying. I remembered all thoughts leaving my mind and only panic remaining. Maybe that tutor did have a point.

“Are you ready to order?” a voice asked and I blinked quickly as I returned to reality.

“Yes, I would like the salmon,” my mom said in a clipped tone.

“With potato dauphinoise? Fantastic choice. And for you?” the waiter asked, looking at me.

“Could I have the roast vegetable pasta, please?” I asked, trying to ignore the dizziness that pulled at me.

I clenched my hands into fists under the table, hoping that would help.

“Of course. Will that be all?”

“Yes,” my mom answered before I could say anything.

Not that I wanted anything else, it would have just been nice to have the option. I handed my menu back to the waiter who took it with a smile before turning and walking away.

I let out a slow breath, trying not to make it obvious as the dizziness slowly retreated. It hadn’t been too bad that time, luckily, but my body still throbbed in pain gently. I looked down at the table, trying to find something to talk about or to distract myself with. My eyes fell on the full glass of coke in front of me. Condensation beaded on the outside of the cup and I quickly reached out to drink some.

I couldn’t remember it arriving. Actually, I didn’t even remember ordering it. I had decided to, I could remember that, but I had no recollection of anything more. Unease built within me but I pushed it away, reaching for excuses and reassurance instead. I must have just been too deep in my daydream. I’d probably answered without thinking or returning from it. That happened sometimes. It was nothing to worry about.

The coke was ice cold and refreshing, much better than I had been expecting. I took another sip, relishing the experience. I’m not sure if it was just because I had barely drunk anything that day or if the coldness of the drink was soothing my sore throat or what but it was wonderful.

“You might need to order another drink when they bring our food over, at the rate you’re drinking that,” my mom said in a snooty tone.

I knew she was trying to tell me off for drinking so quickly. That had been the beginning of many insults about it before. Normally, she followed it up with a comment about how unladylike it was or by pointing out how many calories were in a glass of coke or something equally cutting but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I didn’t feel anything.

“That would be nice,” I said with a polite smile, knowing that she wanted to get a rise out of me. “How was your afternoon?”

Irritating mixed with suspicion flitted over her face quickly and I could tell that I hadn’t reacted as she had expected. She wanted me to be upset or annoyed and by changing the topic, I had robbed her of that opportunity.

“It was good. Mostly quiet.” There was a long pause before she added, “How was yours?”

Strangely, I didn’t expect her to ask that. She didn’t normally try to continue the conversation or ask anything about my life. She never really seemed to care about me unless it could have a negative impact on her or if it was something she could use to make herself look better.

I liked that she was trying though. She normally did try a bit better when we were in Scotland, after her parents had gone. I think that being around her parents made her remember what it was like to grow up with people like them around. Maybe she recognised their behaviours as things that she had done too and was trying to make up for it. Or maybe it was being away from my dad. I loved him and he was a great dad but they weren’t happy together. That was very clear.

“It was good, thank you,” I lied.

I couldn’t tell her the truth, obviously.

She lifted an eyebrow and surveyed me over the top of her wine glass as she took a sip.

“Even after your… incident in the pool?” she questioned.

“Yeah…”

I had nothing more to add to that. There wasn’t anything more to say. I had almost choked, she knew that. She had heard coughing and struggling and yet hadn’t done anything about it. Part of me wanted to know what would have happened if I hadn’t been able to get out of the pool in time or if I hadn’t been able to cough out the water. What would she have done?

Would she have stayed in the kitchen undoubtedly judging me for making so much noise? Or would she have grown concerned after I became silent? What would she have done if I had died? Would she feel anything towards me? I genuinely wasn’t sure.

Dizziness nipped at me sharply, trying to drag me away into a new world, but I fought back. I could tell it was a new fantasy immediately and I didn’t want to go. I hadn’t created that daydream, I hadn’t triggered it intentionally. I didn’t know what it would be like or what the world would be like and I didn’t want to risk it. I couldn’t. I was too scared from before. I didn’t trust my brain not to make up something horrifying.

But, at the same time, I was intrigued. There was an element of morbid curiosity that made me reluctant to pull away completely. I had been thinking about what would have happened if I died, maybe it would show me. Or maybe I would just have to go through it all again and drown. I didn’t want to do that. I couldn’t, especially not in public or with my mom there. What if I came back to reality, coughing up water? I’d make such a scene. She’d never let me live it down.

“What happened?” my mom asked, her tone overly innocent.

She was trying to catch me out. She was suspicious of me, for some reason. She assumed that there was more to my story than I had told her and she wanted to know. She probably assumed that I was drunk or on drugs or something, those were her usual guesses.

“I just pushed myself too hard,” I said, repeating the exact same thing that I had said earlier. It wasn’t enough though, it wouldn’t satisfy her. I needed to make it sound better. “I was trying to beat my record, complete a couple lengths before the time ran out and I wasn’t paying enough attention to my breathing so I sucked in a mouthful of water.”

It was a lie still but it felt more developed, more of an explanation. I knew that it was enough for my mom to accept and not judge me too heavily for. Well, no. She would judge me regardless but she probably wouldn’t look any further into it.

My mom snorted, judgementally but didn’t say anything more. I was glad, it was the best outcome I could think of. She didn’t probe any deeper, she simply picked up her phone, a smirk still on her face, and started to ignore me again.

“But it should still be very enjoyable,” Ms Brice said.

I had no clue what she was talking about. The memories were coming to me but not quickly enough so I settled for simply making a noncommittal noise as I looked around.

We were moving too quickly. I felt like we’d only been out of the bus for a few minutes but we were already on our way back. We were walking directly towards it. I knew that I’d been jumping between worlds a lot but it still didn’t feel like it had been enough time. I didn’t want to go back, not yet.

I felt myself slow down, lagging behind Ms Brice. I was walking back to my cage, willingly returning to the small box of a room where I was going to be alone and trapped for an unknown amount of time.

“Are you okay?” Ms Brice asked, her tone gentle.

I glanced at her worriedly, scared about how she would react.

“Yeah…”

Even I could hear how reluctant I was.

Ms Brice smiled and looked down, slowing so that she matched my speed.

“We should be at the Academy in the morning,” Ms Brice said. “Just one more sleep and then you’ll be able to get off the bus for good.”

I let out a relieved breath.

“That will be nice.”

“It will. You can relax, get some fresh air, shower if you want,” she said with a smile. “I know I’m looking forwards to that.”

I returned the smile distractedly. I couldn’t wait to shower. Even though I’d showered probably less than an hour ago in real life, I felt grimy. I needed to shower in the fantasy too. I had brief memories of standing over the sink and scrubbing with a hand towel but it wasn’t enough. I needed more. I needed to be able to shower properly and scrub the dry shampoo out of my hair. I was grateful that they’d given that to me, of course, but it was just making me feel less clean.

“Me too,” I replied.

Despite how slowly we were walking, we were approaching the bus. It was too soon. I couldn’t walk any slower without just stopping. I looked back at the field in longing, wishing that I didn’t have to return to my room so soon.

“I’m sorry,” Ms Brice said, watching me. “I wish we had time for another lap but unfortunately, we must be on our way. The GSOD have given us an extremely short amount of time here and we’ve almost used it all up.”

I nodded reluctantly and looked back at the giant black bus which awaited me. I couldn’t return to it. I didn’t want to. The idea of going back was making me feel too claustrophobic, too trapped.

“The roast vegetable pasta?”

I heard the words float through to me from reality and I pushed myself to return.

“Here, please,” I said, smiling gratefully at the waiter.