In Loki's Honor

Short update here.

I had a mental breakdown during the COVID lockdown, had to take 45 sick days off and take some strong pills that messed with my internal chemistry almost as much as they helped. COVID took a chunk of my sanity, an aunt and uncle (married to each other), my direct boss (who had a hidden, previously-unknown auto-immune condition), and a month of my paid vacation time.

I believe I got off with just light losses.

Yet, I was kind of unstable during that time. Up and high, down and depressed. I had a story that went to the 1st spot of the rising stars, it drew some interest, I freaked out.

Eight months later, I'm picking up the pieces. Eight months during which I wrote zilch words.

The voices in my head are my characters, begging to be written. They guilt trip me a lot.

Some of you reached out to me in the PMs regarding the future of ILH. I say this, about ILH and all my other stories: They aren't dead while I draw breath.

I gave up on the brain-altering chemicals early when I decided they were doing more harm than good. My psychiatrist said that my side effects are hints that I can't get addicted to them but rejected them all.

I had to climb myself out of the shallow trench my self-derision dug with my own hands and feet. It's a work in progress, a mess still.

Up to June of last year, I was riding on the coattails of my Dunning-Kruger. I don't think I can go back to being that naive again. The free ride is over.

But here I am, defiant. I want to move on and keep writing. Your messages meant a world to me.

Tomorrow, I will publish a chapter here. its quality will be questionable as always but it will come from the heart. More will follow, god willing.

I wanted my Dunning-Kruger back. it was so easy to just bash the plastic cubes without a care in the world. While I was freaking out and running away from myself, the ship has sailed and sank.

....

I found some unpublished drafts of other stories. Sara's Armageddon has ~40k words of her tale after the System Core Mexican Standoff. I also have three unpublished never-seen stories, one with 60k and two with over 200k. Also some snippets, ideas, and short stories.

But without the blind confidence of Dunning-Kruger (I hope you googled it by now if you don't know what it is), I can't just publish them raw as I have been doing so far.

I need to up my game. That means reviewing and polishing stuff before posting.

The chapter I promised you tomorrow won't have any of this. I will be as raw as the previous ones. I need to get back to publishing stuff, to writing stuff, and get to moving.

Discipline. Is what I am lacking. God, I wished it was just that.

But I'll stop rambling. Thanks for caring.

I didn't review this either. Here you go. Unfiltered thoughts. Honest ones too.