NOVEL NEXT Oneshot
I stared at the package on my bed. It was a little amazon box. I obviously knew what was inside… It was something I wanted badly. But I wasn’t sure if I felt ready to open it.
Then my mom called me downstairs to help prepare dinner. It could wait.
One week prior
I watched as the cops dragged Cole into an ambulance. He would be heading to the hospital to deal with the cut on his face before being dropped off at his parents’ house.
He had been my friend… but I wasn’t sure I should have been friends with him. He’d been nice back in middle school, sure. But over the last few years… It was like he’d turned into another person. Gone was the kind older boy who’d talked with me during lunch when no one else would. We’d both been outcasts, not really fitting in with the other boys. But now… well, he just tried to stab one of my classmates because she’s gay, I think that gives a pretty good insight into how horrible he’d become.
I didn’t really know what Cole’s parents were going to do, but I knew it wasn’t going to be fun for my former friend. Honestly, he deserved it. He could’ve killed Alice!
Speaking of Alice, she was out here too. She was sitting on a bench, holding an ice pack up to the side of her head, her friend, Jacob, and Cole’s now ex-girlfriend, Vicky, sitting with her. Her mom was standing nearby too. I walked over to the four of them, and stood there awkwardly. I wanted to say something. Apologise for Cole’s actions, maybe? No, that was stupid, Cole did it, he should apologise. They were looking at me now, Alice still looking a bit dazed, Jacob looking at me with suspicion, and Vicky looking at me with a kind look on her face. Alice’s mom looked at me with a look I couldn’t really decipher.
“You ok?” Vicky asked me.
I shrugged. I didn’t exactly want to speak, I hated the sound of my own voice.
Alice’s mom stepped a little closer to me. “You’re friends with that Cole boy?”
I shook my head. “Not anymore,” I mumbled.
Alice’s mom smiled, but she looked tired. Made sense, her daughter had been hurt. “Hard to be friends with him after… that?”
I nodded.
“You know, it’s too bad you’re a boy, you’d make a really cute girl,” Alice blurted.
My eyes went wide. How could she possibly… “W-what?”
“No seriously, would be really cool if you were trans, then you could, like, just be a girl and stuff.”
“Alice!” Her mom scolded. “I’m sorry about her, she had to take some painkillers, and they’ve made her act a little funny.”
“‘M fine,” Alice said. “Wanna go home now.”
“You ok to walk?” Jacob asked her.
“Not concussed, just hurts.” Alice stood up. I expected her to be a bit unsteady, but she stood firm. “See ya around, uh… shit, I forget your name.”
I shrugged. “It’s ok, no one remembers it anyway.” I was fine with that. It wasn’t like I liked the name anyway.
As Alice walked past me, she said, “think about it, though. You’d be a great girl if you wanted.”
And then Alice and her mom were gone, sitting in their car and driving away. Jacob also walked back inside, probably to finish gathering his things. Vicky stayed though.
“Are you sure you’re ok? Do you want me to walk you home?”
I shook my head. “I’m ok.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about what Alice said. I’d make a cute girl?
I mean, sure, I want to be a girl. Doesn’t everyone? That doesn’t make me trans, though. After all, one of my moms is trans. What are the chances of me also being trans?
Well, not zero, but still has to be extremely low, right?
Also, early on in our friendship, Cole had told me he wanted to be a girl too. We can’t all be trans! It’s just too unlikely!
When I got home, my mom (the cis one) greeted me at the door. My other mom was at work still, and wouldn’t be home for another couple of hours.
I went up to my room and dumped my bag on the floor. I had homework due Monday, but I really wasn’t feeling up to it (I never do), so instead I laid on my bed, put in my ear buds, and started playing some music on my phone. Avril Lavigne’s “Losing Grip” started playing, and I lost myself in the music for a bit. I was around the song “Anything But Ordinary” when I could no longer push the thoughts aside.
Last summer, I had joined a trans discord. I had said I was questioning my gender, and then just never interacted in the server. I hadn’t ever been kicked, so the server just sat at the bottom of my server list, untouched.
I opened it up now. I knew it was very unlikely I was really trans, but I wanted to be sure.
I typed out a quick message in the server’s #questioning channel.
PossiblyMia: hi… sorry for not talking on here in a while. I’ve been really busy with school. Anyway, I really want to be a girl, but my mom is already trans, and my… well, my now ex-best friend also often says he does, and I feel like that’s too much of a coincidence?
The nickname I set in the server startled me. I’d forgotten about that. It was a cute name, Mia.
ba-doop
MapleLeafEnby: why would it be too much of a coincidence? Just because it’s unlikely doesn’t mean it’s impossible. If you wanna be a girl, Mia… just be a girl
MapleLeafEnby: it’s not rocket science
I liked being called Mia.
PossiblyMia: what would my mom think though?
MapleLeafEnby: can’t speak for her, but I’d imagine she’d be supportive. After all, us trans people gotta stick together!
‘Us trans people.’ Was I trans? Could I claim that for myself? By what MapleLeafEnby was saying, I could. It still felt… wrong. Forbidden.
But it isn’t, is it? It’s not forbidden for your mom, why should it be for you?
That was a good point, me. If I’m not allowed to be trans or whatever, why not? Why specifically couldn’t I be?
Because that’s what I agreed with Cole.
Why did we even agree on that?
PossiblyMia: ok… so, I’m allowed to be trans. I’m allowed to be a girl
MapleLeafEnby: duh
I was smiling. Smiling? Was this making me happy?
PossiblyMia: I’m going to be a girl
MapleLeafEnby: correction: you already are a girl
I didn’t come out to my moms that evening. I knew they’d accept me as… well, Mia for now, but I wasn’t entirely sold on the name. Don’t get me wrong, it was a cute name, but it didn’t exactly feel like my name.
I helped my mom - Julia, the trans one - cook dinner. I wanted to speak up and say something like, ‘hi mom, you have a daughter,’ but every time I tried to say something, words escaped me.
Afterwards, my cis mom, Sam - short for Samantha, but people rarely called her that - helped me with some of my math homework. I again tried to say something about my newfound girlhood to her, but nothing came of it.
Both of them could tell something was up, so it wasn’t really a shock when Julia - I’m just going to use their names to make things less confusing - asked me if there was something bothering me.
I nodded.
“Do you want to talk about it, sweetie?”
I nodded again. “I keep trying to, but… words are hard.”
She gave me a sympathetic look. “Words can be very hard sometimes. Well, whatever it is, when you’re ready to tell us, we’ll be there to listen.”
“Thanks,” I said quietly.
“I love you, sweetheart.”
“I love you too.”
There was one more day of school the next day. Because, of course, I had to have my big moment of self discovery on a Thursday rather than a Friday. Couldn’t have put things off by a day so I’d have the whole weekend to properly internalise that I am a girl before I had to go back to school and pretend to be him again.
Not that he was much of anything. Just some quiet guy good at dodgeball. He didn’t socialise, didn’t really excel. Hell, nobody ever even remembered my name. His name. He’s not me.
Or, well, he is kind of me. But not exactly. A weird mismatch of an act and my authentic self. Mostly an act; my authentic self would be a girl. Most of the authenticity came from that I didn’t want to exist. Or I didn’t want to exist as him. But as me? As… Mia (god, I need to find an actual name)?
I might just want to exist as her.
And to do that, I need to tell my parents what’s going on.
But first, let’s get through this school day.
You never really think about how often a person’s gender is referred to. Not when your cis - or trans but really in denial. It happens all the time. Need to refer to me? “Him.” “Boy.” “Mr.”
And now that I’m truly aware of just how incorrect those words are for describing me, each time they get used cuts like a knife.
It felt like the teachers called on me every few minutes in class that day. “Mr. Taylor-Anderson.” Of course, it was only about two or three times spread throughout the entire day.
By the end of the day, I just wanted to lock myself in my bedroom and cry, but, before I could start walking home, a voice called out, “hey, wait up!” I turned. Vicky Martinez was running to catch up with me. She took one look at my face and immediately realised something was up. “Hey… you ok?”
I shrugged. I didn’t exactly want to talk about it with her. Like, sure, I’d been around her a lot when she was Cole’s girlfriend, but that had never actually equated to talking to her. “I’ll be fine.”
She nodded. “Um, wanna… walk home with me today?”
“Why do you wanna walk me home?”
“Because… fuck, I don’t know. I’m still processing yesterday.” We started walking in the direction of my home. “Obviously I’m not as badly affected by it as Alice. She was the one he attacked.”
“He started coming at you, though.”
“And Alice stopped him. Fuck, she nearly got a concussion.”
“I know.”
The next few minutes were spent in silence. I actually started feeling a bit better. Maybe Vicky’s presence was helping me in some way?
When we got to my house, I turned to her. “Hey… thanks, by the way.”
“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “I think I needed that too.”
It was only after she had walked away that I realised: she’d never actually gendered me that whole time. Sure, she probably looked at me and saw a boy, but… it was nice to not be reminded of that fact.
I didn’t tell my moms that evening. I kind of wanted to, but I figured I’d let it properly sink in for myself first. It’s not like I was worried about their reaction or anything, that would have been silly.
Except I totally was worried.
And I don’t know why.
My anxiety pushed me to put off telling them the whole weekend. And they knew it. Not what it is I had to tell them, but that I had something I wanted to tell them but just… couldn’t. It was starting to worry them.
Monday morning arrived and I had not yet made any progress towards telling them. I headed off to school and back to being forcibly gendered male.
I was sitting alone outside, eating my packed lunch - some leftover pizza my parents had ordered in on Saturday night - when someone sat next to me.
I looked up at her. Vicky again.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hey,” she replied. “You doing ok?”
I shrugged. “Been worse.”
“You wanna talk?”
“Not really.”
I expected her to say something, but she didn’t. She started watching the car traffic driving by.
Eventually, I said something. “I just don’t like being a guy.” Why did I say that?
“I don’t think I’d like that either.”
I looked at her again. “Um, ok.”
She smiled. “If you don’t want me to tell anyone, I won’t. Your secrets are safe with me.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“You don’t need to answer, but… girl or non-binary?”
I shrugged. “Not sure. I think I’d like to be a girl.”
“Ok, then be a girl.”
“Scary.”
She snorted. “Yup. Being a cis girl is scary enough, I can only imagine how much worse it would be as a trans girl.”
‘As a trans girl.’ Yes, that’s right. I’m a trans girl. A transgender girl. That’s me.
“Mia,” I said.
“Hm?”
“I’m trying it out. Not sure I really like it, but it’s better than…”
“Mia then. Ok. I’ll remember that, Mia.”
My breath caught. No one had called me my new most likely temporary name out loud before. I knew it didn’t quite fit still, but what it represented…
Vicky saw me as a girl now. And I couldn’t help but smile.
I want to try some girl clothes.
Skirt, maybe. Or a sports bra. One of the girls in that Discord server mentioned something about how she used to wear sports bras stuffed with rolled up socks before she got HRT.
I could try that.
I navigated to Amazon, ignoring my deadname in the top right corner, and searched ‘sports bras’. I looked through until I found a pack of three for decently cheap, added it to my cart, then was about to check out, when I thought, what the heck.
I searched for skirts too. The selection I got was overwhelming, but I searched until I found something not super expensive that I also thought looked nice. I added it to my cart, then proceeded to check out.
On impulse, I changed the name it would be addressed to to ‘Mia Taylor-Anderson.’
Afterwards, I clicked back onto Discord.
PossiblyMia: I just ordered girl clothes
QueerHazel: ayy, congrats girl
QueerHazel: watcha get?
PossiblyMia: some sports bras and a skirt
PossiblyMia: gonna try that rolled up socks thing you mentioned
MapleLeafEnby:
you gonna post pics?MapleLeafEnby: no pressure
MapleLeafEnby: perfectly understandable if you don’t
PossiblyMia: we’ll see
The clothes wouldn’t arrive by Thursday, so I had to wait.
It wasn’t that bad, I was just a little disappointed they wouldn’t arrive the next day.
The next day I once again went to my usual place to eat lunch.
This time, however, Vicky joined me right away to eat her lunch with me. I had no idea why she did. She could sit with anyone, everyone liked her, a fact which hadn’t changed after she came out as bi.
“Hey, Mia,” she said.
I turned to her. “You remembered.”
She nodded.
“No one ever remembered my name before.”
“Isn’t it better if they forget that name?”
I struggled to respond to that. On the one hand, she was absolutely right. On the other hand… well, it was a little insulting. On the third hand (if you have three hands, congratulations on being more capable of multitasking), she remembered that I was trying out Mia as a name.
“I guess so,” I finally said.
“Only name I know for you right now is Mia, anyway.”
“I’m not sold on it.”
“Is that so? Want help coming up with something you like more, or do you think you just need some time?”
I shrugged and bit into my sandwich.
Eventually, I said, “I wouldn’t mind some suggestions.”
“Suggestions… uh, Amber?”
“Pretty,” I said. “Try calling me that?”
“Sure,” Vicky replied. “Hi, Amber, how you doing, girl?”
I shrugged. “Eh. It is pretty, yes. Not sure it fits me, though.”
Vicky kept suggesting names while we ate.
Stephanie.
Emily.
Jessica.
Rachel.
Anna.
Kelly.
And so on.
“How about Michelle?”
I shrugged. “Cute. Try it.”
“Hey, Michelle, what’s up.”
Oh.
Oh.
That was… nice.
I smiled. “The sky.” I laughed. “I think I like that one.”
Vicky smiled back. “Michelle, then?”
I nodded.
“Well, nice to meet you Michelle.”
I couldn’t stop smiling until midway through the next class, when the teacher called on me, reminding me that Michelle was only known to be my name by Vicky and I.
When I got home, Julia was still at work, and Sam was working on something in the garage - probably fixing up some malfunction with her car.
I dropped off my bag in my room, before heading back downstairs to grab a snack. Shortly after, Sam walked into the kitchen, wiping her grease-stained hands with a rag. “Hey kiddo.”
“Hi mom.”
“How was school today?”
I shrugged. “Alright. I think I made a new friend.”
“Hopefully someone better than Cole.”
“Cole’s ex,” I said. “She’s cool, I think you’d like her. She’s bi.”
“Your friend has my approval,” she said jokingly. “Seriously, glad you’ve got someone to spend time with.”
“Also, uh… I’m bi too.” There, I came out to my mom. Not as trans, yes, but me being bi was true. I’d known for a while, I’d just never really felt like telling anyone. “I’ve known for a while, but I just… never felt like I really needed to tell anyone. I mean, you’ve never acted like I should be straight, obviously, so… yeah.”
That’s a good warm up round, right? Come out as bi first? I’m not saying it’s harder for my mom to accept I’m trans than bi. After all, her own wife is trans!
“Good to know, kiddo. Can you hand me a granola bar?”
I handed one to her.
I still didn’t tell my moms I was trans that evening. Instead, I jumped onto Discord. First thing first: I finally removed Cole from my friends list. I had trouble finding him for a bit; he’d changed his discord username to ‘AvrilHeart’ and changed his pfp to a picture of Avril Lavigne. Not entirely strange for him, when we were younger, he was really into Avril Lavigne’s music. Maybe he got back into it as some sort of nostalgia thing?
With that taken care of, I went to change my username. I wasn’t in too many servers, and none that anyone I knew in person was in, so I felt safe enough to change it to reflect my newly chosen name.
I sent a message in the Discord server where I had been interacting with MapleLeafEnby and QueerHazel. I had learned both of them lived in Toronto.
PossiblyMia: so, I picked a name
Wait, shit, I need to clear my nickname in that server. I did that then sent another message.
MichelleVoid: Michelle’s my name now
MapleLeafEnby: ayyyy nice
QueerHazel: cute name
r4chelþelesbian: very pretty name. Congrats, Michelle
I smiled. People kept complimenting my name choice, and it felt really good.
Vicky once again sat with me during lunch the next day.
“Hey, Michelle,”
“Hi, Vicky.”
We ate in silence for a bit, watching the cars drive past.
“So, I wanna ask your advice on something, Michelle.”
I looked up at Vicky. “My advice?”
She nodded. “Yup. Your advice. You know Avery? Goth aesthetic, messy hair?”
I nodded. “I know of her. She’s pretty.”
“Yeah, she is. Anyway, I know for a fact she does like girls. So I was thinking… well, I want to ask her out.”
“Go for it,” I said.
“Well, she’s got this thing with Alice. They’ve gone on a few dates, you know?”
“Ok… are they together?”
“Well, no. They’re just friends.”
“So then Avery is available. Ask her out.”
“Ok,” Vicky said. “Ok, so I will.”
“Good. That’s great.”
“Michelle, what if she says no?”
“Then she says no and you move on.”
“Ok… I’ll do it today then. Thanks Michelle.”
“Uh, you’re welcome?” I hadn’t really done much just now, but Vicky seemed relieved anyway.
My parents didn’t seem nearly as worried that evening. They probably assumed that the thing I’d wanted to talk to them about was me being bi, and so assumed there was nothing else.
Of course, they were wrong.
I was helping Sam load the dishwasher after supper that night when I turned to her and said. “Hey, what if I told you I’m a girl?”
Except, that wasn’t what actually came out of my mouth. That was what I meant to say, but instead what came out was more, “hey, uh, what if… girl?”
Sam turned to me, smiling. “What was that?”
I shook my head. “Words are hard,” I whispered.
She sighed. “Yeah. Your mom gets like that too. Normal autism thing sweetie. Don’t worry.” She pulled me into a hug.
“I have something I want to tell you two, but it’s hard,” I said.
“It’s really important?”
I nodded.
“Well, I’m ready to listen, sweetheart. And just know, whatever it is won’t change anything, I’ll always love you.”
“Thanks, mom.”
It was finally Thursday. The package with my new clothes wouldn’t be arriving until that afternoon, so I wouldn’t get it until after school.
The occasional misgendering whenever a teacher called on me in class was starting to bother me a lot less. Maybe it was because I was starting to feel a bit more confident about my gender?
During lunch, Vicky once again sat with me during lunch.
“Well, I asked her,” she said.
“And?”
“We, uh… We have a date this Saturday,” she said.
“That’s fantastic, Vicky!”
“I know. I’m really excited, honestly.”
“Happy for you.”
“Thanks.” Vicky picked at her salad. “I’m also a bit nervous.”
“What you nervous about?”
She shrugged. “Just… I dunno. I’ve never been on a date with a girl before. Hell, I didn’t even know I was bi when I started dating Av- Cole. Um, so… yeah.”
“Alright, so… try to relax. Um, it’ll be fine. You’re already friends, right?”
Vicky nodded.
“From what I’ve read, being friends beforehand can make things much easier. I mean, as long as you don’t be silly and worry about messing up your friendship. Just… be friends who are on a date and might kiss.”
“Might kiss… I mean, I think I’d like to kiss her, yeah.”
“Then you definitely should. I mean, ask her first, obviously.”
“Obviously, yeah.”
“What are you doing?”
“Movie date.”
“What movie?”
“Honestly not sure. Avery came up with it. Um, we’re gonna go and see what’s on and pick whichever one will be bad enough to make us laugh.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“Hope so.”
“And if it turns out the movie isn’t so bad it’s good you could just… leave, I guess. Find something else to do.”
“Like what?”
“Honestly, I think if a pretty girl asked me on a date and just took me on a hike I’d fall for her then and there.”
“Honestly, I completely understand what you mean.” She snorted. “Honestly, why did I even try dating guys? Don’t get me wrong, they’re nice to look at, but… honestly, so many of them suck!”
“They can’t all be bad,” I said.
“Seriously, don’t ‘not all men’ at me. Especially since you aren’t even one anyway! You can’t point to yourself as an example of a good man.”
I snorted. “You got me there.”
“What, not even some token defense of your dad or something?”
I winced. “I don’t actually have a dad.”
“Oh.”
“Two moms. One of them is trans. So you can’t even claim I have a biological father or anything. Nope, just two bio-moms.”
“Seriously?”
“Um, yeah,” I said.
Vicky laughed. “Like mother, like daughter.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that.
When I got home, I found a package sitting on my bed, obviously put there by Sam. I picked it up.
Oh.
That package.
I wanted to eagerly open it, but held myself back.
I was nervous.
Really nervous.
They’re just clothes. No big deal.
It feels like a big deal.
Then my mom knocked on my door. I went to open it.
“Hey, sweetie,” Sam said. “Your other mom is going to be late today, so I wanted to ask if you’d be willing to help prepare supper.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I can help.”
The main reason Sam asked for my help: she sucks at cooking. There’s a reason Julia usually does it.
So while Sam collected the various ingredients, I focused on actually preparing everything. It gave me something to focus on other than my own gender struggles and the package I’d just received.
Afterwards, I put supper in the oven to cook for ten minutes.
“Just take it out when the timer goes off. It will need time to cool, of course. Just call me when it’s out.”
“Aye aye, captain!” Sam saluted me, and I giggled.
I headed back up to my room.
Once again, I was confronted by the package on my bed. I picked it back up.
“Mia Taylor-Anderon”
Oh.
Sam must have seen that.
That definitely wasn’t my given name.
She knew.
So why hadn’t she said anything?
With trembling hands, I ripped the paper open. I pulled out two plastic packages. One contains some multi-coloured fabric - the sports bras - and the other was a bright pink colour - my skirt. I opened up the bra package first.
Inside were three multi-colours bras - one was green and blue, another was red and orange, and the third was pink and purple. I selected the green and blue one, then grabbed a couple pairs of socks out of my sock drawer.
I took off my t-shirt, then pulled the bra over my head. I slipped the rolled up socks into it, finally putting my t-shirt back on.
Wow.
This was…
This was weird.
I opened my closet door to get access to the mirror, and looked at myself.
Oh.
That’s… that’s me. It really did look like I had breasts. This was… nice.
A bit too nice, but I kind of expected how my body responded, so I just took a deep breath and picked up my skirt. I held it up against my waist. It reached to just above my knees. I put it back down and took off my jeans, placing them neatly on my bed. I pulled the skirt on, letting it rest on my hips.
I went back to look in the mirror in my closet.
Oh, this is really nice.
I did a little twirl, giggling at the way the skirt flared out when I did so. I twirled again, laughing.
Then I remembered MapleLeafEnby asking if I would share pics.
Why not? I thought.
I fished my phone out of my jeans pocket, then opened the camera app. I posed in front of my mirror. I snapped a picture, then, before I could have second thoughts, sent it to the Discord server.
MichelleVoid: new clothes arrived today
QueerHazel: nice! And you did the sports bra thing!
MichelleVoid: yeah. This feels really nice.
QueerHazel: euphoric?
MichelleVoid: That’s the word?
QueerHazel: yeah. euphoric instead of dysphoric
MichelleVoid: then this feels really euphoric
QueerHazel: happy 4 u
I was interrupted typing my next message by a knock on my bedroom door.
“Hey, sweetheart, just got home. Your other mom told me to tell you that supper’s out of the oven.”
I whirled around to face the door.
“I-I’ll be right down, mom.”
I started pulling my skirt off, but stopped myself.
What the hell? Might as well just… go downstairs dressed like this. It’s not like my moms would have an issue with it!
I took a deep breath, then opened my bedroom door. Julia had already gone downstairs, so I quickly made my way downstairs and into the kitchen.
Sam noticed me immediately. More importantly, she noticed what I was wearing.
“Oh. Is that what was in the package earlier… Mia?”
I froze. “Uh… um… yeah.”
She nodded. “The colour suits you. So… is it Mia, or…?”
I swallowed. “It’s, uh, Michelle. I picked Michelle.”
“Hey,” Julia said from behind me.I turned to face her. “It’s a beautiful name, Michelle.” She pulled me into a hug. “Daughter?” she asked.
I nodded.
We separated. Julia was smiling at me. Sam had also come over, and was smiling at me too.
“So,” Sam said, “Julia, you know your next endo appointment is this Sunday. Why don’t you take Michelle with you?”
Julia smiled even wider. “That sounds like a wonderful idea, Sam. Whaddya think, Michelle? Wanna get estrogen?”
My eyes widened. “A-Already?”
She nodded.
“B-But I thought you needed to, um, present as-”
“That requirement is old and outdated and has long since fallen out of favour. Hell, the doctor that made me do that, who I am no longer with, by the way, was a total nutcase who later got fired for… look, you can start HRT today if you want. I still have some spare pills from before I started injections last year. I can get them for you if you want.”
I was speechless. I could start estrogen today?! I nodded enthusiastically. I tried to say ‘Yes please,’ but I couldn’t form words.
“I’ll go get them then,” Sam said, patting me on the shoulder before heading up to my parents’ room. “They’re just in your bedside drawer, right?”
“Yeah,” Julia said.
Sam slipped up the stairs.
“Hey,” Julia said. “Are you ok?”
“W-what?”
“You’re crying.”
I was. “I- I’m really happy, mom.”
She smiled warmly. “I understand perfectly, Michelle.”
I shook with happiness. “Oh god.”
“The euphoria’s a lot?” She asked.
I nodded. “G-good. It’s good a lot.”
Julia ran a hand through my hair. “You know, your hair is just long enough that we could probably style it into a nice pixie cut if you wanted.”
I shook my head. “I… um…” and then in a whisper. “Scary.”
“I understand that too. I’m not gonna push you. Ever. Do what you feel comfortable doing.”
I nodded.
Shortly after, Sam returned holding some pill bottles. “Ok, so turns out you still had some spiro too. I counted them out, and these should last you for two weeks.”
I couldn’t help but stare at the bottles. Those… those were for me?
Sam put the bottles on the counter.
Julia spoke up. “Twice a day?”
Sam shook her head. “Only one week if she takes them twice a day.”
Julia nodded. “That’s fine, we should be able to get her a prescription before then. Ok.” She turned to me. “So, Michelle. What you want to do is take one pill of the spiro twice a day. So one pill in the morning, one pill in the evening.” She picked up one of the bottles and handed it to me.
My eyes went wide. “This… this is real?”
Julia nodded. “Very real, sweetie. As for the estradiol, you can take…”
“Two,” Sam supplied.
Julia nodded. “Yeah. Two pills twice every day. Two in the morning, two in the evening. I also recommend putting them under your tongue.” She handed me the second bottle.
I stared at the bottles in my hands. This was it. I’m holding estrogen. My hands shook.
“Well?” Sam asked. “Are you gonna take them?”
I nodded.
I opened the bottle of spiro and took out a single pill. Julia handed me a cup of water, and I used it to wash down the pill.
This was actually happening right now.
I closed the bottle then opened the other one, taking out two pills. I placed them under my tongue like Julia said. I closed the bottle. I turned to my moms. I was smiling.
MichelleVoid: hey everyone
MichelleVoid: I came out to my parents
MichelleVoid: I just didn’t change out of my skirt when I went downstairs for supper, and well…
MichelleVoid: oh also my mom (the trans one) gave me some spare HRT
QueerHazel: WHAT
QueerHazel: Michelle, that’s fucking amazing
QueerHazel: That has to be like a fucking world record or something
MichelleVoid: Yeah. I can’t stop smiling. I’ve only taken like two pills so far, but holy shit
Why do all the big things happen on Thursdays? Ok, admittedly only two things, but still!
So, of course, at school the next day, no one magically knew I was a girl still. My moms had offered to inform the school so I could have everything updated and use the girls’ bathroom in peace, but I had told them not to. Something about that had felt really, really scary.
Once again, of course, Vicky joined me for lunch.
“Hey, ‘Chel.”
I raised my eyebrow. “Chel?”
She nodded. “Yeah. Short for Michelle, of course. Is it ok?”
I shrugged. “It’s cute. Maybe call me Michelle for a bit before using a nickname, though?”
She nodded. “Yeah, I can understand that.”
“So, date tomorrow,” I said. “Excited?”
Vicky nodded enthusiastically. “Very. Avery’s so cool! I should introduce you two sometime.”
“What as?” I asked. “You only know one name for me right now.”
“Oh, yeah. Right. Is it ok, though?”
I shrugged. “I… I don’t know if I want too many people knowing. I- I think I want a cleaner break. Start transitioning, finish this year, then come back next year as Michelle, with no one connecting me with the other guy.”
“You’ve made an appointment already then?”
I smirked. “Even better. My mom is giving me some of her spare HRT.”
“She… what? Michelle, that’s actually fucking amazing. I’m assuming you finally told your moms then?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I told them.”
Vicky smiled. “Good. You need the support. I’ll support you however I can, but they’re your freaking parents.”
“You’d support me?”
“Of course I would! You’re my friend, Michelle.”
We continued chatting for the rest of lunch. When the bell rung, we exchanged contact information before heading to our next classes.
“Hey, Michelle, don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried,” I said. Julia raised her eyebrow at me. “Ok, maybe a little.”
The elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open. “Anastasia is great. She’s not going to make you jump through nearly as many hoops as some other doctors might.”
“Still nervous.”
Julia pulled me into a hug. “It’ll be fine.”
Julia had already called ahead and I knew that I was expected as well as her for this appointment.
After showing our health cards to the receptionist, we took seats to wait for the doctor.
“See, it’ll be fine. She even gendered you correctly!”
“Only because you helped me with shaving this morning.”
“It’s not that. She’s trans too.”
“Oh. So she was being nice.”
Julia sighed. “It’s not just being nice, you look great, Michelle.”
“I’m not even dressed up girly.”
“You don’t need to dress girly to be a girl.”
“I know.”
We were interrupted by our names being called. We made our way to the doctor’s office to see her.
Doctor Anastasia Blake was very pretty. She checked in with my mother first, asking her various questions about how she was feeling, before turning to me.
“So,” she said. “You’re here to start estrogen, miss?”
I nodded. “Um, yes please.”
She nodded. “Always happy to help a sister out. I’ll order a blood test. You can get it done today in the lab downstairs. I should get the results back soon, then I can prescribe you some HRT. Most doctors will want to start you out with a low dose, but that’s stupid, and as I understand it, you’ve been using your mom’s spares?”
I nodded. “Um, yes?”
The doctor smiled. “How many per day?”
“Um, two, twice a day. Oh, and one pill of the, um, spiro twice a day.”
“No point in making you reduce your dosage. Alright, that’s exactly what I’ll be prescribing, and then, after a few months, we’ll look into upping it.”
“Oh… wow…” I had been expecting some crazy gatekeeping, and this was completely unexpected.
The doctor just smiled. “Yeah. We’ve all been there with cis doctors being too scared to give us enough estrogen to do anything. I am not inflicting that on the next generation.”
“Huh?”
“She’s trans too, Michelle. You see why I like her so much, she gets it.”
“Oh.” I smiled. “Well that makes me feel a lot less nervous.”
I got the prescription a couple days before running out of my mom’s spare HRT, and was able to pick it up before it ran out.
Strangely, Vicky didn’t sit with me at lunch during the next week. She had texted me that things were fine, and she just had to deal with some things. I knew that it wasn’t that her date with Avery had gone badly, I frequently saw them together holding hands and whatnot. Vicky actually informed me that they were now together.
I was happy for her, honestly. And it made sense she’d rather spend her time with her girlfriend instead of me.
It still stung, just a little.
I ultimately chose to not come out at school right away. I would transition privately for the next couple months until the school year ended, then I would return the next year as Michelle, hopefully without anyone ever learning I was trans at all.