I Won’t Accept Your Regrets

I don't know why he’s so angry at this moment.

He wasn’t even angry with me, but because of his almost faded memories.

One story from the temple that I could never forget.

This was when I had a miscarriage.

"Your Majesty seems to lack faith. Therefore, God doesn’t give us children."

I just blurted out to him out of stupidity that our child was killed by the lack of faith in him.

At that time I was out of my mind, and the words of the High Priest sat down in my subcortex.

Later I learned that the temple said this only to annoy me in grief.

And today I came here. This time, even if the High Priest had started his old song again, my reaction would have been different.

But I didn't think Ray still remembered that story.

And I don't know how he found me to be in the temple. But he seemed to be worried that the High Priest would insult me.

But I didn't appreciate this gesture.

I could handle this myself.

And running to help me after so many years would be absurd.

"It's amazing that Your Majesty says that now."

"What?"

"You seem to be really sad and angry about our past loss."

Something I had never seen before, that he mourned the death of a child.

Except for the very day of the miscarriage, he was just going about his business, meeting people and telling me things in common while I was in mourning.

"Don't be too sad. We will make a new child."

It may not have been my last child, but it was my first.

Even after Carlisle, I never forgot about the unborn firstborn.

I didn't want to cling to Raymond anymore, but the story of the miscarriage was already beyond the bounds.

Because he didn't even deserve to mention the unborn child.

I told him in a firm voice that couldn’t hide my anger:

"Didn't His Majesty treat the child as if it weren't there at all?"

He asked, frowning:

"What are you talking about?"

"After the miscarriage, His Majesty didn’t shed a single tear. You just went to work with your head."

"…That."

"The only thing that supported me was the belief that I could have another child."

The more I spoke, the more I remembered the cruelty of that time, and my emotions grew stronger. In the end, I broke down and screamed.

"Never… Never came to console me! Have you ever missed a dead child? You have no right to talk about it!"

I took a deep breath to suppress my righteous anger. His face was frozen with embarrassment.

The moment I wanted to turn away, because I didn't even want to look at him, his frozen face weakened.

"…Ellie."

There was a suppressed groan.

"I didn’t come… because it was my first child, too."

He covered his face with his hand, as if distressed. And slowly he continued:

"I was a fool. But me too… At the time, I didn't know what to do. It was hard for me to see you suffer, and yes, I shouldn't have left you alone…"

Sadness emanated from his shaking black eyes, just like what I have experienced in the past.

But what should change from these words of his?

I didn't need these words now, but at that time.

When my feelings subsided, I told him with a deep sigh:

"And what will change if you said that? Just as the suffering was buried in my heart, Your Majesty is just as gnawed at the feeling of guilt in front of me…"

I didn't want to listen to his confessions. Especially if it's about a child.

"Please refrain from such revelations in the future. You might think it will rewrite the past."

Surprised by my cold tone? He couldn't open his mouth now.

"Yes, I know. It’s too late".

"I'm glad you know that too. I hope you will not meddle in my life anymore."

It annoyed me that he constantly crossed the line.

"Be careful in the future."

And Raymond stepped back from me.

The sky was already turning red.

I still had to leave, because Carlisle and I were approaching the night market.

"I’m busy."

Such a rude goodbye wasn’t very beautiful, but that made me feel better.

I turned away and coldly walked past him, head held high.

"I'm sorry."

Raymond only spoke after Ellie was out of sight.

"And what will change if you said that?"

At that phrase, Raymond saw the pain in her eyes.

I'm sorry I couldn’t be with you.

I'm sorry I couldn’t say a kind word.

The child asked to go out, I saw you fall, and didn’t know what to do. I was too confused.

Miserable regrets accumulated in my soul that I couldn’t even say anything.

The dead child and Ellie's suffers.

Ellie's endless screams sounded in his ears like echoes from the past.

As soon as the child died, the temple exploded into hysterics and kept screaming about the wrath of the gods.

The nobles, even those who had concubines, suddenly called on the Emperor to repent for their sins.

Of course, this couldn’t justify his behavior.

If it healed her wounds, Raymond could even kneel down hundreds and thousands of times and pray, but what happened is already irreversible.

All the time I thought about the child as much as about Ellie's wounds.

This was our first child, what made it even more difficult.

I still remember the moment Ellie told me that we were going to have a baby. What I felt at that moment is difficult to express in words.

It was exciting, but, on the other hand, I got scared.

My father never loved me, so I suspected that I would also not be able to give love to my own children.

When I heard the news about her pregnancy, I was so worried for several days that I couldn’t even fall asleep.

In the end, I didn't even get a chance to try parenthood. The child was stillborn, so we couldn’t even properly send him on his last journey.

Raymond sighed painfully under the darkening sky.

And then a knight came up to him.

"Sire. I think we should go now."

At the knight's careful words, Raymond barely escaped his memories of the past.

He agreed to meet with Jeremy Drua today.

To know exactly what was on Jeremy's mind, he ordered Carter to set up a secret meeting place.

Enduring a burning pain in his chest, he climbed onto the horse.

"We are moving out immediately."

At a gallop, Raymond passed the bustling town square, where the night market had just opened, and entered a shady alley.

Carter was already waiting for him.

"Sire."

Carter walked over and bowed his head to him.

Raymond asked, looking at the dilapidated bar behind the knight.

"Is Drua already there?"

"He's waiting for you."

Raymond walked by and opened the door.

As soon as he entered, a deep voice rang in Raymond's ears.

"Welcome to this lovely place."

There were several candles on the table. A familiar face was visible in the dim light.

Gorgeous platinum hair and amber eyes.

And a sweet face that always smiles smugly.

You and Ellie must be smiling like that all the time?

The relationship between them is closer than they show to the public.

Ellie covered Jeremy and Jeremy protected Ellie.

I was getting hot just from the thought of their connection.

"Hail His Majesty the Emperor, Empire Sun."

"Raise your head."

Raymond walked over to Jeremy.

"Well, you chose the hole."

Raymond looked around the run-down bar that was about to collapse.

"I'm sorry that I brought you to such a shabby place. However, this is the safest way. Such a place isn’t visited by people, but only by ghosts."

Jeremy spoke in a relaxed manner.

His appearance, free from anxiety, was similar to when he appeared before Raymond at the party.

Even Duke Drua would have been terrified to face him. But Jeremy is not. And it was annoying.

Jeremy placed a chair in front of Raymond, intending to sit down.

Looking at the chair, battered over the years, he ordered the knights behind him:

"Leave us."

"Your Majesty, to be left alone without protection…"

"I won't say it twice."

Raymond's cold voice echoed, and the knights hastily retreated. There are two left in the bar.

Raymond sat up, staring at Jeremy with cold eyes.

"From now on, if you lie to me even in small things, you will no longer see the sun."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

Jeremy sat facing him, not avoiding those shiny black eyes.