I was summoned by a super villainess to another universe

Jack stepped into Marie's office and felt something was off.

 

 

Jack slid into the seat and gave both of them a well-prepared smile, "You wanted to go over this month's figures?"

 

 

Jack squinted slightly, "Ahhh... what now?"

 

Marie nodded, "Indeed. From Olga herself. One of the top leaders of the Russian mob. It appears that she did not know you worked for me, or she never would have interfered with your date."

 

Jack looked increasingly confused, "Interfered with my-" Jack cut himself off. He spoke a single word with a tone of realization of just how much he screwed up, "oh."

 

Marie raised an eyebrow, "Yes. 'Oh' indeed." She cleared her throat, "She said it had been a long time since she met such a strong man with such fine Eastern European features. She was curious how serious you were about Ivy and if you might be Polish." Marie wrinkled her nose, "She has a thing for Polish men."

 

Jack gritted his teeth, "Ah... on my mother's side, yeah." It felt like the temperature in the room rose by about ten degrees.

 

Marie nodded slowly, "Is there a reason you are dating a cape?"

 

 

Marie blinked, "Seriously? I thought you worked for me. You know what we do around here."

 

Jack leaned towards Marie and held up a finger, "No. I don't know. I make a POINT of not knowing what's going on around here." He leaned to the side and gestured towards the lawyer, "Ask Shirley. Is there ANYTHING we're doing that's illegal? Hmm? Shady? Sure. Morally questionable? Absolutely. Technically legal? Definitely." He leaned back and rested his foot on his knee while steepled his finger, "I challenge anyone to find anything worse than a misdemeanor in my head."

 

Shirley pushed away from the wall to get a better look at Jack's crotch. Even Marie's eyes flickered downward for a second. Jack noticed their reactions and self-consciously put his foot back on the floor, "Ahem. My point is, there's a reason why I work very hard to keep my distance from here. I less I know, the better."

 

 

Jack cut her off, "YOU MEAN... the generous and anonymous donations that we receive to help those less fortunate than ourselves get out of debt come from a criminal source?" He put his hand to his chest and spoke with mock incredulity, "I am SHOCKED to hear you speak in such a disrespectful manner of our benefactors. How cynical could you be?"

 

Jack put a hand over his heart and stared off into the distance while he reached into his pocket to pull out a small bag of flour, "I have only the utmost respect for those kind philanthropists who are working tirelessly to bring about a better tomorrow for all mankind." He tossed the bag into the air while imbuing it with a red aura. The flour burst forth to form into the image of a bald eagle that landed on his shoulder. Jack began to hum the national anthem.

 

Marie blinked and moved sideways to look at Shirley, "Is he serious?"

 

Shirley nodded, "I was trying to tell you before. He is like this all the time. He never relents. Not even in private."

 

With a gesture the flour returned to its bag and back into Jack's pocket.

 

Jack gestured towards the exit, "Have you been out there? A world full of psychics, wizards, and spirits that can possess you! While compelling someone to confess isn't admissible in court, that doesn't mean it doesn't happen!" He hunched his shoulders and held out his hands to Marie, "Seriously, I am not an ambitious man. I thought I made that clear. I spent years perfecting this morally ambiguous, but completely legal... 'scam'. I know it's a scam." He held up a finger and waggled it from side to side, "But just because something is a scam doesn't mean it's a CRIME."

 

"Should it be made illegal?" He spread his arms wide, "Hell Yes." He dropped his arms, "And until that day happens, I am all for taking advantage of the situation to the best of my abilities." He leaned forward and pointed towards himself, "I didn't make the rules." He furrowed his eyebrows, tilted his head forward and gave her a most sinister grin, "I just exploit them."

 

Marie leaned back and looked unhappy with the direction the conversation was going. She glanced at Shirley, who closed her eyes, shrugged with her arms out to the side as she slowly nodded. Marie returned her attention to Jack, looking over her fingers at him as she adopted a gendo pose, "Alright, but that doesn't explain why you are dating a cape."

 

"Because she's hot and the only reason she's a cape is because I got her a job."

 

Marie looked surprised, "Come again?"

 

Jack nodded, "She was about to get kicked out of her apartment. I got her a job. She owes me. I like people owing me favors. I like having friends all over. Especially since I'm not doing anything illegal and I don't know anyone doing anything illegal."

 

Marie glanced at Shirley while hooking a thumb at Jack, "Get a load of this guy. He's as cagey as you."

 

Shirley chuckled softly, "I actually mentioned that he'd make a great lawyer. Maybe I could help him get through college and pass the bar." She glanced at Jack, "But he turned me down."

 

Jack made a dismissive hand gesture, "I'm far too lazy for that. I'm more than happy to work at the collection agency because it practically runs itself. The less I have to be there, the less I know, and the better it runs." He interlaced his fingers and put his hands behind his head as he leaned back, "I'm the perfect subordinate. I'm very good at what I do, with absolutely no ambition, so you don't have to worry about me getting greedy and doing something stupid."

 

Marie snorted as she gave Jack a smirk, "I knew when people came to me about this matter, I thought they were over reacting. Still..." She opened a desk drawer and pulled out a folded up piece of paper, "You did put a gun in the face of a rival of mine." Marie snorted, "She thought it was cute. How'd she describe him?" Marie looked to Shirley expectantly.

 

Shirley smirked at Jack, "Like a fluffy kitten hissing and arching its back."

 

Marie nodded, "Yeah. That was it." She tossed the paper across the desk to land on the edge in front of Jack.

 

He reached over to pick up the paper, squinting suspiciously as he did, "What's this?"

 

Marie flipped over her hand at the paper, "That's Olga's Phone number. She wants a date with you. Go smooth things over."

 

Jack frowned, "I already have a girlfriend."

 

Marie's expression went flat, "Says the guy who made a death threat, no matter how silly it was, towards one of the better connected Russian mobsters in Empire City, oh mister I-Don't-Break-The-Law-I-Just-Exploit-It." Marie leaned forward and stabbed a finger into the center of her desk, "I'm not telling you to go fuck her." She then muttered under her breath, "Although I wouldn't mind." She cleared her throat, "I'm saying go on a date and let her... make things up to you."

 

Shirley nodded, "She expressed a desire to show her sincerity and apologize in person."

 

Jack sighed, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Fuck." Then opened one eye to look at the slip of paper, "I suppose I did bring this down on myself." He looked up at Marie, "One date. And nothing is happening."

 

Marie smiled and laughed, "Hey, yer the one keeping your friends close and enemies closer. I'm not happy with you dating a cape but I do expect that if you hear about anything untoward about me from your girlfriend..."

 

Jack nodded, "Hey. I'm not a cape, nor do I plan to be one. And frankly, yer not in her district and from what I have seen, even if you were doing something questionable, I doubt it would be something the Rascals take an interest in." He kept nodding his head, "But, on the off chance I hear something of note, I have been known to be a chatter box."

 

Marie smirked, "Pillow talk. Sure."

 

Jack's playful demeanor disappeared and he suddenly looked quite aggressively annoyed, "She's not that kinda girl." He asserted, as if daring them to contradict him.

 

Marie and Shirley both looked puzzled, "Not that...?" The looked at each other, then simultaneously nodded and said, "Oh. Right." Marie looked back at Jack, "This is a reverse thing, right?"

 

Jack blinked, "Uh..." His shifting gaze jumped from one to the other, betraying a hint of embarrassment, "Ah. Right." He relaxed a bit and continued in a soft voice staring off into the distance as he got lost in thought, "Sorry. She... reminds me of someone. She's not like the other girls."

 

Marie glanced at Shirley, then back at Jack, "Are we in love?"

 

Jack blinked as he returned to the here and down, "Love? BAH! I just met her! Are you serious? I mean, I'm FOND of her, certainly! But love? PFT! Love at first sight doesn't exist."

 

Shirley nodded towards Marie, "He's in love."

 

Jack narrowed his eyes at Shirley, "You shut your mouth."

 

Marie nodded back at Shirley, "Indeed." She looked at Jack, "Don't care, just as long as you don't forget who you work for and you don't betray me." She stabbed a finger at Jack, "In fact, I'm glad you are in love, because you know who'll pay the price if you ever try to fuck me over."

 

For but an instant, Jack's face flashed with rage so intense it actually made Marie wary, but the instant passed as Jack got himself under control. He spit out words through gritted teeth at Marie, "I'm a man of my word." His eyes narrowed as he continued, "Don't ever think otherwise."

 

Marie took a moment to soak in his response, then let out a light snort, "I can see the resemblance to a hissing kitten." Shirley chuckled as Jack's expression took on a sulking aspect.

 

He leaned back in his chair and forced himself to relax, "Kitten or not, don't insult me."

 

Marie nodded slowly, "Wouldn't dream it. Just want to make sure we're all on the same page." She snapped her fingers and looked at Shirley, "Actually, that reminds me-"

 

And that was when the door flew open and in walked three guys carrying shopping bags. The three of them looked like they dressed themselves in the dark with clothing that had been rolled around in the reject bin of a neon and pastel magic marker factory. The leader struck what Jack assumed was supposed to be a sexy pose that showed off his rather massive codpiece while fluttering his eyelashes at Marie.

 

"POOKIE!"

 

It was the most gaudy outfit Jack had seen to date. It was a brilliant purple spandex with green highlights and a massive silver codpiece studded with yellow topaz stones. The young man wearing it had a passing resemblance to Tony, Jack's old boss, except this man was younger. He was maybe between eighteen and twenty two. The idea popped into Jack's head that this could be Tony's son.

 

He was flanked by two other young lads dressed a bit more conservatively, in comparison mind you. One was wearing enough neon orange to easily be mistaken for a traffic cone. The other was wearing blue jeans that were tight enough to highlight every jiggle of cellulite and a T-Shirt that had an anthropomorphic cartoon ant dressed up as an aardvark. It was punching upwards as it flew over city that looked sort of like an ant hive. On the back of his shirt was a word bubble that read, "Or I'm Not MAXIMUS AARDVARK, Scientific Adventurer!"

 

The trio was followed by two of Marie's goons who looked apologetic for letting the three get past them. Marie looked up and for a moment looked highly annoyed, but quickly replaced it with a well practiced smile, "Antony, sweetheart!" She let out a long suffering sigh, "I told you that I had business today."

 

Antony flounced over, carrying a plain brown paper bag with some sort of gift wrapped package sticking partially out of the top. He dropped it on the desk in front of Marie, "Oh I know, but I just had to come by to give you a gift, especially after you bought me THIS!" Whereupon Antony thrust his crouch out and waved his codpiece around for everyone to see in the room.

 

This was at eye level for Jack, who was sitting across from Marie.

 

Jack held up his hand to shield his eyes and visibly recoiled from Antony's crotch, "MY Eyes! My Poor Eyes!"

 

Antony frowned at Jack, "Excuse me?" He pointed at his crotch with both hands, "Do you know how much this cost?"

 

Still cringing from Antony's crotch, Jack quipped, "Off the top of my head? Your dignity."

 

Marie, her lawyer, and her two goons in the door all let out a short burst of laughter, that they quickly suppressed. Marie most of all, who had a look that she knew she was going to pay for that moment of levity.

 

Antony glared at Marie, but quickly refocused on Jack, "Who the hell are you to talk to me like that?"

 

Jack kept his eyes covered, "Someone with taste. Dear god in heaven above I don't care how may universes I get dragged into-" He pointed at Antony's codpiece, "That is never going to be right. Why does it curve up like that? So you can be a coatrack for a midget?"

 

Marie held her hand tight over her mouth, but couldn't stop a bark of laughter escaping while all the other women just flat out lost it. Antony glared at Marie, "And After I went through all this effort to get you this gift?" She angrily knocked the bag over.

 

A soft, metallic 'thunk' could be heard as it fell over. The paranoid part of Jack's brain started ticking. He narrowed his eyes at the package as he leaned to the side to get a better look at it, "Hey, 'Sweetheart'..." Jack's voice dripped with sarcasm, "Did you happen to give this to the guy up front to check out before you brought it in?"

 

Antony turned to Jack, "Who Are You To Tell Me What To Do?" He tapped the package, "I got this gift from a very nice old man who highly recommended it for my Pookie!" The guy standing behind Antony who was wearing the Maximus Aardvark T-Shirt chimed in, "Old woman."

 

Antony turned around, "Huh?"

 

The third guy looked confused, "He looked rather young to me."

 

Jack wasn't listening. He already had reached out to touch the package. It was immediately enveloped by a red aura for a full three seconds before Jack cursed, "FUCK." The wrapping, ribbon, bag, and box containing the package all burst away from the 'gift' with a gesture from Jack and flew to the side. This revealed a metal case with two identical red LED timers on either side of the case.

 

It was counting down from four.

 

Three...

 

Two...