I only wanted to kill a chicken, not split the heaven

Li Ming stared at the bamboo basket full of spiritual herbs, his expression blank.

Across from him, Lei Shan sat on a rock, tail swishing, eyes glowing with pure expectation.

"Let me confirm," Li Ming said flatly. "You want me to cook you cultivation food?"

Lei Shan nodded, proud. "You're my parent. Feed me like one."

Bai Guo snickered. "You've gone from alchemist to chef. Congratulations, descendant. The Dao of Cuisine awaits you."

Li Ming rubbed his temples. "I have fought lightning guardians, survived time cracks, and faced a chicken deity. I will not be defeated by a lunch menu."

---

The First Attempt

The cauldron flared to life. Li Ming poured in herbs with precise control, adding a wisp of thunder qi for balance. The aroma was divine—until Lei Shan sneezed.

A pulse of lightning rippled from the cub's nose, striking the cauldron.

The concoction turned purple. Then hissed. Then grew legs.

Li Ming's expression didn't change. "Why is my meal walking away?"

Bai Guo, already perched on a tree branch, said cheerfully, "Because it's achieved sentience."

Lei Shan clapped. "It's evolving! I want it!"

"You are not keeping my lunch as a pet," Li Ming growled.

The purple blob squeaked, bowed, and fled into the forest.

---

The Second Attempt

"Less lightning this time," Li Ming muttered.

He focused carefully, suppressing Lei Shan's stray qi. The ingredients fused smoothly, golden mist swirling. It looked perfect.

Then Bai Guo sneezed.

A single feather drifted into the cauldron.

BOOM—!

Golden smoke burst out, revealing a bowl of glowing jelly that hummed softly.

Li Ming stared at it. "...If this sings, I'm quitting cultivation."

The jelly hummed louder.

Lei Shan beamed. "It's a lullaby! For digestion!"

Bai Guo wheezed. "Descendant, you've invented musical food."

Li Ming muttered, "I miss the days when fire explosions were my worst problem."

---

The Third Attempt

By now, Lei Shan had dragged over pillows, snacks, and a small parasol.

He lounged like a little emperor while Li Ming mixed herbs again.

"This time," Li Ming said tightly, "absolute focus. No interruptions."

Bai Guo raised a wing. "Should I—"

"Silence."

Qi flared. The cauldron glowed. Lightning, flame, and pure spirit essence merged flawlessly.

Finally—after half an hour—the light dimmed.

Inside the pot was a perfect golden pellet, pulsing gently with energy.

Li Ming exhaled in relief. "At last."

Lei Shan leaned forward, sniffed—

—and then said, "Tastes mid."

Bai Guo fell over screaming.

Li Ming's hands trembled. "You… what did you just say?"

Lei Shan tilted his head. "Not enough crunch."

Bai Guo wiped tears from his eyes. "The descendant has achieved enlightenment—through disrespect!"

Li Ming's smile twitched. "Oh, you want crunch? Fine."

Lightning surged through his palm. The cauldron instantly hardened the pill into something that cracked like glass.

Lei Shan munched. His eyes widened. "...Actually, that's perfect."

Li Ming froze mid-rage. "Wait—it worked?"

The cub's aura suddenly burst outward—gold and silver lightning spiraling. His cultivation spiked, qi refining itself naturally as if the heavens approved.

Bai Guo whistled. "You just invented breakthrough snacks."

---

The forest shook as Lei Shan's energy settled.

Li Ming sat down, exhausted.

"So," Bai Guo said, grinning, "how does it feel to feed your pet to ascension?"

Li Ming stared blankly into the distance. "Like I just got demoted to chef of destiny."

Lei Shan, glowing faintly, hopped onto his lap and yawned. "Good chef. Make dessert next time."

Li Ming's eyebrow twitched. "If you evolve again, I'm selling you to a tea shop."

Bai Guo laughed. "Too late, descendant. You're officially the Sect of Snacks' founding master."

Li Ming buried his face in his hands. "Heaven truly has no mercy."

---

The next morning, Li Ming woke up to the sound of knocking.

And by "knocking," it meant—

BAM. BAM. BAM.

He opened the door.

A group of cultivators in matching robes stood outside, each holding a spirit-jade bowl like it was a sacred relic.

"Senior Li Ming!" one of them said, eyes shining. "We've come to humbly request… your recipe."

Li Ming blinked. "My what."

"The snack that made your beast ascend!" the man said, voice trembling. "The heavens shook, lightning danced—surely it was your secret alchemy of flavor!"

Behind them, more cultivators gathered—outer sect disciples, rogue cultivators, even a few spirit beasts holding spoons.

Li Ming slowly closed the door.

Bai Guo, sipping tea, asked, "Popular again?"

Li Ming exhaled. "They think I invented enlightenment candy."

Lei Shan, still glowing faintly from his breakthrough, licked his paw. "Well… technically you did."

Li Ming gave him a look sharp enough to cut qi. "Don't help."

---

By noon, the mountain foot looked like a spiritual food festival.

Dozens of cauldrons bubbled, each group trying to copy the divine crunch.

One man yelled, "No, no! You must stir in lightning qi before the crunch forms!"

Another screamed, "Wrong! He used the Dao of Snacks—feel the crispness with your soul!"

Someone else was kneeling before a tree, whispering, "Oh culinary heavens, bless my biscuit of enlightenment."

Bai Guo was on the verge of tears laughing. "You've started a religion."

Li Ming rubbed his face. "A snack sect. The shame is eternal."

Lei Shan, however, looked pleased. "They finally appreciate your talent."

"I'd rather they appreciated distance," Li Ming muttered.

---

A ripple of aura rolled down from the sky.

A group of high-level cultivators descended—each wearing a tall hat shaped like a chef's knife.

Their leader bowed dramatically. "We are from the Gastronomic Dao Pavilion. Word of your… enlightening confection… reached our ears."

Bai Guo snorted. "Of course there's a food sect."

The leader ignored him. "We challenge you, Li Ming, to the Great Culinary Duel of Dao Comprehension. Winner's cooking will be canonized as the Heavenly Recipe of Truth!"

Li Ming's eye twitched. "You want me to cook… for enlightenment?"

"Indeed," the man said gravely. "The Dao of Taste transcends mortality."

Lei Shan whispered, "Do it. Free food."

Li Ming sighed. "Fine. But don't blame me when you ascend by indigestion."

---

The arena was carved out of spiritual stone, with qi flames dancing above every cauldron.

Judges floated on lotus petals.

An announcer shouted, "On the left, the Gourmet Pavilion's prodigy, Chef Mu! On the right… some guy who accidentally made chips!"

The crowd roared.

Chef Mu twirled his ladle like a sword. "I will craft the Heavenly Crisp of Eight Realms!"

Li Ming, deadpan, poured ingredients into a pot.

He didn't use technique. He didn't use chants. He just stared at the cauldron and said softly,

"Don't explode."

It exploded anyway.

The crowd gasped—then sniffed.

A heavenly aroma rolled through the air, melting qi itself. The clouds parted. Birds started dancing. Somewhere in the distance, a monk began crying.

Chef Mu fell to his knees. "I… I taste the Dao."

Bai Guo whispered, horrified, "You just achieved enlightenment through snack fumes."

Lei Shan munched on one of the glowing chips. "Worth it."

---

By evening, Li Ming had been named—against his will—

The Snack Sage of the Southern Peaks.

Every sect wanted to buy his "Dao Chips." Some tried to reverse-engineer them.

One rogue cultivator declared he'd found enlightenment by licking a rock from Li Ming's yard.

Li Ming just sat on a log, staring blankly at the sunset.

Bai Guo: "Famous again."

Lei Shan: "Respected chef."

Li Ming: "I'm surrounded by idiots."

A messenger talisman fluttered down from the sky. It read:

> "Dear Snack Sage, the Heavenly Pavilion requests catering for our next tribulation banquet."

Li Ming calmly folded the talisman. "I'm burning this mountain tomorrow."

Lei Shan tilted his head. "Before or after dessert?"

Li Ming's eye twitched. "After dessert."

To be continued...