I Only Want to Lie Flat But Am Forced to Cultivate Immortality

Upon hearing Xu Qing's familiar tone, Lü Jingtian once again showed a puzzled expression. He always felt that the person who couldn't wait for him to hang himself before was the shopkeeper Xu in front of him.

But he had no evidence.

"It was a moment of confusion for me. The night before yesterday, I had a bit to drink at the Tong Yue Tavern, and coincidentally, there was a drunk man pointing fingers. He could call out the name of every person he pointed at, but when he pointed at me, he said he didn't recognize me..."

"How sad and pathetic. To think of the glory I used to enjoy, and now coming back to the Jin Sect, I've become the most insignificant person."

"Look at you, how pitiful!"

Seeing that there was no business to be done, Xu Qing's service attitude visibly declined.

"People find life when they move, trees die when they are moved. There are other places besides the Jin Sect in this world. Why hang yourself at my doorstep? Haven't you thought about what I would say to officials if they came by someday?"

Lü Jingtian mumbled in silence, and it took him a while to say, with a flushed face, "I heard that the Xu family shop on Underground Street is good at doing good deeds, no matter whose family dies, they arrange the funeral properly..."

Who says such things? Even a zombie wouldn't utter such selfish and cold words.

Wu Zhiyuan, with a kind heart, helped him up and then brought him hot tea, serving with care, fearing that this person might have dark thoughts again.

Xu Qing left them to it, while he sat in the Master's Chair, playing with a walnut in his hand.

As the day began to dawn, after talking with Lü Jingtian for half a day, Wu Zhiyuan suddenly said, "Brother Lü, you seem well-versed in laws and speak appropriately. If Brother Lü is interested, I am about to take an office in Pingqiu County and happen to need an assistant by my side..."

"Taking office in Pingqiu County?" Lü Jingtian was taken aback.

"Why are you standing there stunned? Lord Wu appreciates your talent and wants to give you an opportunity to showcase it. Aren't you going to quickly kneel down and thank him?" Xu Qing chimed in at the right time.

Lü Jingtian had seen Wu Zhiyuan in official attire at the Government Office before, and now hearing these words, he was overjoyed.

A frustrated litigation master in his forties bowed down to a young man in his twenties.

Wu Zhiyuan hurriedly helped him up, the two of them holding each other's wrists and arms, their affectionate gaze making Xu Qing, on the side, suck his teeth.

The corpse he had almost secured was now holding hands with someone else, making all his efforts seem in vain.

The elder who missed the hangman opportunity and the failed horse still thanked Xu Qing before leaving. If not for his shop, the two would not have had this fate.

Leaving the Funeral Shop, Lü Jingtian thought of Xu Qing's eerie gaze just now, feeling a chill down his spine.

That look was as if he were staring at a corpse.

"Is Shopkeeper Xu really as good as rumors say?"

Lü Jingtian couldn't hold back and asked.

Wu Zhiyuan laughed softly and shook his head, "The goodness of Brother Xu can't be explained by mere rumors."

"All I can say is, if Brother Xu isn't good, then there are no good people in this world."

...

Early the next morning, in the Funeral Shop.

At the same place, with the same people, as soon as Wu Zhiyuan walked in, he said, "I'd like to invite Brother Xu to conduct a funeral rite, is Brother Xu available?"

Seeing that Wu Zhiyuan's face was not somber, Xu Qing joked, "What, has someone hung themselves again?"

"..."

Noticing Wu Zhiyuan's strange expression, Xu Qing's eyes lit up, "Could it be that Lü Jingtian has hung himself at your house again?"

"No, he hasn't." Wu Zhiyuan reluctantly laughed, "It's my sister-in-law, my eldest sister-in-law hanged herself at home..."

Turns out, ever since Yang Hong was stripped of his official clothing and imprisoned, his wife Zhang Yao, Zhang Yong's eldest daughter, had been throwing tantrums, wanting Zhang Yong to pull strings to exonerate Yang Hong.

As for pulling strings, she wanted Zhang Yong and her own mother to beg Zhang Wan and Wu Zhiyuan, but Zhang Yong at that time couldn't even protect himself, so how could he be in the mood to care about his elder son-in-law's survival?

Emotions couldn't override the law. The case against Yang Hong was almost settled. If he dared to plead for mercy, being remembered with hatred by the Wu brothers was small; being reprimanded by superiors was a big deal.

At that time, Zhang Yao still had wishful thoughts, believing that as long as the verdict was not issued, there was still room for Yang Hong, an official of the Imperial Court, to escape death.

However, just yesterday, the Cabinet drafted and issued a decree; Zhang Yong was dismissed from his post as the seventh-rank county magistrate of Baisha County for failing to exercise strict control, heeding treacherous advice, disregarding the law and order...

Yang Hong, bearing important responsibilities, did not think of serving the Imperial Court, but instead harbored jealousy and malice, disregarding principles, frequently creating wrongful cases, and framing loyal and good people...

He was sentenced to execution according to the law!

And the supervising officials of the execution were the brothers Wu Zhiyuan, who was about to take office in Pingqiu County, and Wu Wencai, who was about to return to the capital to report on his duties.

With the Cabinet's decree in place, the case of Yang Hong was finalized, and any hope of changing it was utterly dashed. Upon hearing this 'bad news,' Zhang Wan knew that she'd be too ashamed to face others in the future, so she hanged herself at home.

Hearing this, Xu Qing internally thought it was funny, "This is good news! Zhiyuan, why the long face?"

"Brother Xu, don't joke with me. In the eyes of outsiders, Zhang Yao is my eldest sister-in-law, my wife's own sister after all."

Xu Qing eyed Wu Zhiyuan up and down and suddenly said with a smile, "Keeping a straight face is fine, just as long as you can cry out loud during her funeral!"

"..."

Wu Zhiyuan couldn't hold back anymore, "She almost ruined my family; it's already good enough that I don't curse her out. Why would I even…? At most, only Wan'er and my father-in-law will attend."

Xu Qing had long 'admired' Zhang Yao. Back when she was in the theater and flower houses, this county lord's lady often dressed as a man, mingling with the courtesans, though he couldn't quite grasp what they got up to.

Such filthy matters of commoners were beyond comprehension for a simple zombie like him.

Riding to Baisha County, the old burial hill outside the city where Zhang Wan had been buried in the past had now become the resting place for Zhang Yao!

After all, for someone lacking virtue like her, even if she wanted to be buried in the Zhang family ancestral tomb, the clan would have to consent.

There was an isolated graveyard separated within the burial hill, and the old man guarding it was the same one who had lifted the green placard for Xu Qing and the wet nurse of the Zhang family back then.

When the old man heard about the Zhang family, he sighed for a good while.

The kind-hearted and simple sister faked her death and moved away, while the vicious and poisonous sister lay in the grave.

"Young Shopkeeper Xu saved the second young lady of the Zhang family back then, and now buried the eldest lady with his own hands; isn't this the order of fate?"

Listening to the old man's contemplation, Xu Qing shook his head.

There is no such thing as coincidence in this world. If it were any other family, Zhang family's second young lady's grave might already be covered in grass over three feet high!

"Old man, they have asked for me twice not because of coincidence at all."

"Then why?"

"That is because the Xu family shop is famous far and wide; no other Funeral Master can match the Xu family name, so they have invited me multiple times."

Xu Qing stated seriously, "Old man, if you have requests in the future, you can also come to Linjiang County to find me. Here is my card..."

"If anyone comes to you, choosing a plot or inquiring about the Funeral House, please speak a few good words."

"..."

The Zhang family's eldest daughter was successfully dressed and buried without any other issues, nothing untoward happened in between, and Xu Qing didn't have any complications.

The hairpin's use was remarkably simple; just inserting the end of the pin into a wine cup, soup bowl, or any kind of food container would add poison to the food or drink.

The hairpin might appear deadly, but it wouldn't kill; it would only cause unbearable stomach pain, fading after an hour.

Returning to the Funeral Shop, Xu Qing examined the hairpin, its function drew laughter from him.

"The heart of a wicked woman really is something that cannot stand in the daylight."

As for the shadow theater of Zhang Yao's life...

It was filled with even more unspeakable secrets and wasn't worth mentioning on any platform.

In the end, during the funeral rituals, he wasted half an hour more than usual for such an insignificant matter.

In short, very ordinary.