I Fell In Love With A Girl Who Died Before I Was Even Born

"I'm not really a raccoon," she said.

I was so shocked at her abrupt switch to an interesting and informative talk show guest that I needed a second to recover.

"Oh, yes, of course," I muttered into the mic. "That's true. Tanuki only look similar to raccoons. Why don't you tell the listeners more about it?"

She adjusted her glasses on the end of her nose and for a moment, Azuki faded in and out of focus.

"Sure thing, Inego!" she said. "Okay, well, tanuki, in our natural skins, look a whole lot like raccoons, but we're actually closer to foxes."

She giggled.

"Say, I've been told I'm kinda foxy, don'tcha think?"

No. I mean, yes, Azuki's adorable, but I needed to keep her chaotic brain on track through this interview.

"Azuki," I began.

But I couldn't finish because she took her right leg and, I swear, used her bare foot to scratch behind her ear.

My jaw dropped, and I wouldn't have been surprised if it had hit the floor.

She looked up at me, confused.

"Inego?" she asked, concerned. "Are you okay? You look like you've just seen a ghost or something. Oh! Is Yuki here?"

She looked around my small, improvised studio.

"No," I said, exasperated. "At least, I don't think she's here. I can't tell unless she starts poltergeisting things or stuff starts floating."

Azuki nodded.

"I don't see her, so she's probably with Ryu," she said.

Focus, Inego. Get her back on track.

"So, tanuki are raccoon dogs, and tanuki yokai have shapeshifting abilities, right?"

She nodded.

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"Yeah! Like those stuck-up kitsune! But we're a lot more fun."

My pulse spiked.

"Um, maybe don't call the kitsune—"

"Balls," she chirped.

"What?" I blurted.

"I thought you were going to ask where a tanuki got their magic powers. You were going to, weren't you?"

She looked at me with her wide, golden eyes with such damn genuine earnest enthusiasm, I felt like a criminal trying to keep my show semi-coherent.

"Oi, we're just going to go there, eh?" I asked.

Then she snorted.

"Wow, you've got a dirty mine, Inego," she said through fits of giggles. "But, in all fairness, you're not the first human to confuse tanuki balls with testicles."

Mind blown.

"You mean they're not?"

She nodded.

"She's nodding, folks. You can't hear it, but it's there."

She rolled her eyes.

"Sorry! Geez, I'm not used to being on the radio," she said. "But, seriously? Inego… I'm a girl, you know."

She crossed her arms.

"I don't have testicles. What's wrong with you? Did you fail anatomy or did they just not teach you biology in your wizard school?"

Suddenly, she blushed, furiously.

"Ohhhh, I get it! It is that wizard school you used to go to. I bet they never taught you sex ed—"

"Azuki!" I barked into the mic.

I had to do something. I was dying in my seat.

"Huh?" she asked. "Oh, right. Well, I don't have time to teach you now, Inego. We're supposed to be doing an interview, remember?"

Yeah. Actually, I did.

"Oi, mate. Why don't you, er, describe these… magic balls to the listeners."

I didn't know how else to phrase it.

"I'm so glad you asked," she said. "Some context, okay? That way you don't worry your cutesy little head off. All tanuki yokai can change shape. I mean, that's like, what we're known for. But, we're also tricksters! We know what you humans were thinking, so we just ran with it."

I blinked, surprised that she'd contributed something so interesting.

"So… what? The whole tanuki balls things is a lark?"

She grinned.

"We love the statues you make of us! Big, bulbous test—"

I shook my head at her.

"Oh! Sorry. Yeah, but we see the statues. And, the best part? You guys can't keep your hands off 'em!"

She laughed.

"Come on, humans! You believed a bunch of, like, pranksters when we told you that they were magic and touching them brought good luck?"

She raised her eyebrow at me.

"That's got to be the best prank, like EVER!"

I sputtered at the mic for a second.

"I'm starting to suspect the entire history of Japanese folklore is just a centuries-long prank," I managed.

She waved her hand dismissively.

"Only the funny parts."

Then, she looked at me over the rim of her glasses.

"Oh, Inego, just so you know," she said, her voice lowering and a mischievous glint growing in her eyes. "I'm not ever going to let you forget that I'm a girl."

She leaned closer to me and bit her lower lip.

That's when I felt myself growing more tense than I even realized was possible.

"Hey," I said, defensively. "I-I-I didn't forget that you're a girl," I said.

Then she giggled a little, and I saw a blush creeping up her cheeks.

"It's okay," she said. "I'm just messing with you. Can't be helped, you know that, right?"

I sighed.

"Yeah, I should've guessed—"

I suddenly felt something warm on my leg.

Her hand.