I Don’t Want to be a Villainess

“….”

I was a little worried that Sara might have hidden away in a place that was too deep in her memories, but thankfully, that wasn’t the case.

I could find Sara easily.

The place I went to was our room. Sara had lived here since she was very young.

However, the room now was different from the time when Sara was buried in her loneliness.

It was much more full than back then.

In fact, there was Sohee’s bed, which we rarely used now but hadn’t cleaned up yet.

And then there was the clothing rack beside that bed. Actually, we brought in two more clothes racks after that. With two more people living here, we needed the space to hang clothes.

The closet was slowly being filled with clothes for the three of us. If you opened it, I guess it would feel similar too.

The desk had grown as well. Ha Neul, Sohee, and Sua also needed to study. The table was quite spacious, but sometimes they wanted to study separately.

In the corner of the room, there were four bags lined up, and on the table, several books were scattered. There were textbooks, novels, and comic books too.

The bookshelf, which had been sparse, was now filled with books. The main reason being there were five of the same kind of textbooks stacked together.

This room was no longer a lonely space. It was also quite spacious, but now it had the smell of life in it, and it could never be called empty.

It was all thanks to Sohee, Sua, and Ha Neul.

Sara was no longer lonely in this room.

“But still, without you, I’d feel endlessly lonely. It would be like there’s no one in my heart anymore.”

Yeah, here it was just me and Sara.

This was the only place where Sara and I could meet like this. If I closed my eyes and fell asleep, we could meet at any time. No matter where we were, what situation we were in, or what time it was, we could always be together.

“I’ve said it before, but I will never disappear. I’ll be here for a lifetime.”

Humans can’t live forever, so I can’t guarantee what happens after death, but at least during the time I could be with her, I intended to stay by her side. My promise still stands.

“Really?”

Sara asked. These days, she always showed up in a bigger form, but now she was a bit smaller than me.

Maybe this was Sara’s ‘true’ self.

Acting strong, pretending to be cruel, and feigning indifference towards others, but in reality, she was endlessly weak and fragile. The kind-hearted Sara.

Perhaps the essence of such Sara was being reflected like this.

“Really.”

At my answer, Sara hesitated for a moment.

After pausing, with a trembling voice, as if she was about to ask something incredibly frightening, she asked, “But, why do you say that?”

“Are you talking about seeking psychological treatment?”

“…Yeah.”

I let out a short breath.

Sara was still looking up at me with anxious eyes.

She had a face that looked much younger than her actual age.

I sat down silently on the edge of the bed. Sara hesitated, so I lightly tapped the seat next to me. Sara cautiously came over and sat down.

She looked just like a little kid who thought she shouldn’t mess with what I said.

“Okay.”

When I held my palm up, Sara placed her hand on top of mine. I weaved my fingers between hers, just like she often did, locking them together tightly so they couldn’t easily be pulled apart.

“….”

Sara followed quietly.

“Are you worried that I might disappear because of the treatment?”

“…Yeah.”

“I see.”

In fact, even after I came here, I thought that for quite a while.

I was an outsider who had come from another world. A strange being taking up residence in Sara’s mind without permission. That was how I perceived myself.

Deep down, I even thought that maybe all my memories were an illusion created by Sara, that I was the savior of her life formed according to her thoughts.

Well, I knew there were a lot of holes in that idea.

The reason I knew Ha Neul, Sua, and Sohee was that I had watched videos of a streamer playing the original game. I didn’t just imagine the backstories of those kids after meeting them; I already knew somewhat of their personalities, names, and traits. I knew some of their futures too… but that didn’t really matter much.

And such things don’t just grow from solitary imagination. Unless it was the level of delusion where Sara says, “I thought I knew what I later found out.”

Even in this state of anxiety, I also had a sense of certainty. I was a being that came from the outside.

Memories from my childhood still existed. Bad memories from high school, college, and military service were all still with me.

…If the taste of the tteokbokki from the place Sohee took me to was just in my imagination.

If someone were to wave it all away as some fabrication, then, well. From that point on, it wouldn’t just be Sara’s imagination, but some lousy godlike being would be playing tricks on her.

Yeah. I am convinced.

I am not Sara.

I am a different existence from Sara.

I don’t know how or by what principle I got here, but now I feel a little grateful.

I was able to bring light to the life of a child like her, make friends, and meet kids who like me. I thought that alone was a huge stroke of luck.

However, that doesn’t mean I want to disappear just yet.

I finally became stable. Finally started enjoying life with my friends. It’s too big of a desire to let it all go now.

That’s why, I have no intention of disappearing.

“But I won’t disappear.”

“Why not?”

But Sara still seemed anxious.

“Why, on what basis? That you could disappear?”

“Sara.”

I looked at Sara and said.

“Do you think so? That I’m just your other persona? That I’m just a product of your imagination borne out of your suffering?”

“….”

Sara bit her lip.

It seemed even Sara wasn’t sure.

Well, from her perspective, I guess that makes sense. The savior she had wished for just suddenly pops up from another world in her head. More people would find it more plausible to think that I might just be another persona.

“If I were just a persona, just something you imagined, then yeah, that would happen. Just like people think, I’d simply disappear, leaving only you behind.”

Sara’s hand, which was gripping mine, flinched.

“But I don’t think that. From the beginning, I believe you and I are different existences. For some reason, right now, we are just sharing the same body.”

“…Then.”

“Dissociative Identity Disorder is the process of erasing the other personas aside from the main persona. And that process is about removing the elements of conflict between personas one by one. If the reason to create new personas to protect yourself disappears, then those personas will naturally fade away.”

I’m not a specialist, nor do I possess any specialized knowledge, but at least that’s what I found during my research.

“If the persona had to disappear, I would have already disappeared a long time ago.”

That was my first certainty.

And—

“And I’m not a ‘persona.’ I’m a ‘person.’ A completely different person from Sara.”

That’s right. Since I am not a ‘persona’ from the start, I cannot be erased. Unless I completely depart from this body, there’s no way to make me disappear. Medicine is just medicine.

This was my certainty about myself.

My belief.

“Why am I here? I’ve thought about it so many times.”

I looked straight into Sara’s eyes and said.

“Is it just coincidence? Am I just wandering because I couldn’t go to the afterlife I was originally supposed to go to after death? Did I accidentally fall into one of the works I’ve seen? Is it that my soul was transferred to another world due to shock?”

I shook my head.

“No, none of that.”

I kept looking.

At Sara.

Into Sara’s eyes.

“I think the reason I’m here is for this meaning.”

I clenched my hand tightly.

“Sara, it must be to meet you. If there is a god, then they sent me here to meet you, asking to save the princess in danger. I’ve decided to believe that.”

Of course, I don’t know what kind of being that god is. In fact, I don’t really believe in gods. But really, if it isn’t that, there’s no way to explain the current situation, right?

“So, won’t you believe in me too?”

The dark room brightened.

Is light pouring from my face too? According to what I heard from Sara last time, it probably is.

But the white light now wasn’t coming from my face or Sara’s.

Sara was looking up at the ceiling with a slightly dazed expression.

A white light pouring from nowhere.

Did the room brighten up because of Sara’s thoughts?

Or, did some being up there respond to my thoughts?

I didn’t know.

I don’t know, but—there’s one thing I can say for certain.

My thoughts are right.

For some reason, I was thinking that way.

I would definitely protect Sara.

I could do it.

I just hope that light is a response to that belief.

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