I Can Hear the Saint’s Inner Thoughts

53 – A Fake Who Wants to Be Real (4)

It truly felt like I was having a long, long dream.

The dream of my parents dying before my eyes, the regrets and despair of the past, instead of fading as I grew older, were becoming clearer and clearer.

“Astal, you alone must survive.”

“Astal, I’m sorry I couldn’t properly celebrate your 10th birthday.”

Those longed-for voices pierced my ears, and my heart ached as if someone were holding it and trying to burst it.

This is already the 143rd death. Just how many suicides do I have to commit to wake up from this goddamn dream?

Originally, the way to escape the Succubus Queen’s illusion was to realize the disconnect from reality and commit suicide to escape the dream.

The me of the past, unable to use magic because my mana core was overloaded, instead chose to roll on the ground, find a blade, and stab my own neck.

The cold, sharp feel of metal gripped in my hand, and then the hot, gushing sensation of blood and burning pain filled my head.

Even with the memories and emotions of an adult, a child’s hands and heart were far too fragile to end their own life.

Not the magic that minimized the pain of suicide, but the means of stabbing my own neck with my own strength, was simply too horrific.

The past pain kept resurfacing, making me hesitate to kill myself, and that hesitation became the cause of making the next suicide even more painful.

Because of this, there were so many times I wanted to give up.

It felt better to simply wander through this nightmare and someday go insane.

“…Should I give up?”

Not even properly sharpened, not just stabbing once, but twisting it in my grip or stabbing repeatedly to die, I pressed the rusty knife to my neck and tightly shut my eyes.

I didn’t know how many times I had to die to escape this goddamn dream.

From the start, I participated in the Demon Lord subjugation to die.

I thought that even if I became Bellamora’s plaything, no one would blame me.

“Astal… why didn’t you save Mom…?”

“Our son… it’s so cold and painful here…”

Corpses with their heads severed slowly approached me. Those I once called parents were now resentfully voicing their complaints.

I screamed to be saved, begged them to stop, but no sound came out.

Because this wasn’t true reality, but a wretched nightmare, a dream within a dream based on my past memories.

I had already seen the scene of my parents’ death countless times, and I felt like I was slowly losing my mind.

Bellamora, on top of that, had even resorted to the terrible means of reviving corpses and making them move.

“…I don’t want to see my parents like that anymore.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, wanting to look away, but my parents’ voices grew only clearer.

A disgrace of a son who couldn’t even find remains in the village that had already burned to the ground, only able to place flowers on a tombstone that held nothing.

Did a guy like me even deserve to live? That thought was eating me alive again.

That instant,

– Astal, please, just hold on a little longer.

Someone’s voice, clearer than anything, cut through.

In this dream, more vivid than reality, the owner of the soft voice, as if speaking directly into my ear, was.

‘Victoria…’

The Saintess of the Flower, and Victoria Everhart, my contractual fake lover.

Victoria’s true feelings echoed even within Belamora’s dream-within-a-dream, clearing and awakening my mind.

‘…This isn’t real. Victoria isn’t here.’

Hearing her voice, I steeled myself and began my suicide attempt again to escape the dream.

In the end, no matter how painful, how agonizing, a dream is just a dream.

Because she wasn’t here – the woman who secretly admired me, who spewed insults and lies to hide her feelings.

– What am I supposed to do without you? I haven’t even told you I love you properly yet…

– I don’t care if I die here. It’s okay if I’m violated by monsters and become no longer a saintess, just please don’t give up.

Sometimes her voice was a little angry, and other times, it was a dark murmur laced with tears.

– You’re more precious to me than anything.

Listening to Victoria’s true feelings, my grip on the blade tightened. The resolve to protect her outweighed the fear of pain in that moment.

Even though I was just a fake boyfriend, failing to be a proper one, I knew I was receiving an undeserved love.

I failed to protect someone precious in the past.

That’s why, to protect someone precious, I could do anything now.

‘…I finally understand what this damn feeling is.’

The trembling in my hand stops, and clenching my teeth, I use the hand gripping the blade to strongly stab the part of my neck where the carotid artery runs.

Thwack.

Red blood gushes from my neck, soaking the floor, and my consciousness flickers like a dying ember. My body collapses like rotten straw, losing all strength.

An act I’ve already repeated dozens, hundreds of times, in my perception. Now, I’m just mechanically repeating the act that leads to death.

‘I cherish you too, Victoria.’

I hadn’t given up hope yet.

The reason I’ve been able to survive until now is largely thanks to Victoria. At the very least, I have to save her before I die, or my pride as a man will be wounded.

Besides, if I just hold on a little longer, our contract relationship will be over, won’t it? I won’t have to pretend to be dating that annoying woman anymore.

Lastly, if Victoria stops being a saintess, it will cause a major loss to our fighting strength. She’ll just become a burden to us, gathered to subjugate the Demon King.

Making up reasons like that, I showed myself trying to find justifications for saving Victoria.

‘…Guess I’m really about to kick the bucket? How cheesy.’

Thinking about it, it’s such a ridiculous notion that a slight, hollow laugh escapes as I repeat my death.

I’m someone who shouldn’t be alive.

It’s so absurd that Victoria could fall in love with a b*stard like me.

Look, even now, aren’t the corpses of my parents crawling and asking why I killed them right before my eyes?

They didn’t say it to me, but if I could hear their thoughts like she could, they’d be resenting me.

No matter how much they sacrificed for their child, nobody would want the pain of having their head ripped off or their throat cut while still alive.

Having attempted suicide countless times, I understood it more with my body than my head. No human being on this earth could blithely overcome this kind of suffering.

Biting down on my lip, I repeated the act of stabbing my neck with a sharp object gripped tightly in my hand.

Thwack, thwack, thwack.

Thwack—

Countless streaks of red blood splattered before my eyes, and I could feel my sanity gradually wearing away.

I am that kind of guy.

A despicable survivor who failed to protect all the people I considered precious, and who lived on top of their corpses.

Even exhaling, all I felt was the heat of a burning building hot enough to set my body ablaze, and the acrid ash and smoke that made me cough.

I didn’t want to see people die in front of me anymore.

I didn’t want to fail to protect the precious people anymore.

And this was the only place I could run and escape to.

– Disappear. You are not the real parents of Astal…!!

Victoria was struggling desperately to save me.

‘…Maybe this kind of woman is my ideal type now.’

More reliable and warmer support than an older sister with a nurturing personality, a younger saint.

I often hated the way she denounced and despised me, but thinking about it now, that kind of woman might have been quite my type.

Thinking of her, I wanted to have a cigarette and a drink for the first time in a while. Because I couldn’t understand the emotion of trying to save such garbage, I felt a headache coming on.

‘Actually, the thought of wanting to die in reality right now keeps swirling around…’

Repeated suicide attempts numbed my reason more and more. The thought that it would be better to just die for real welled up from deep within my heart.

I could have already given up and volunteered to become Bellamora’s lover.

Victoria, and certainly not my teammates, knew that I had even considered slipping away from the party unnoticed, just to end it all.

But,

‘…At least I have to save you before I die.’

I gave a bitter smile, changing my mind, even as my hand didn’t stop its suicidal efforts.

Because, even in this pain, if there’s any light, I’d convinced myself it’s you.

Someone precious to me.

Someone I hate to see hurt or killed all the more.

Someone who’s grown so large in my heart now, I can’t close my eyes without thinking of them.

‘Even if it’s fake, right now I’m Victoria’s lover.’

Naming this feeling feels shameful and embarrassing, so I chose to express it indirectly.

* * *

The hero Kyle and his companions immediately started running towards the cinema where Astal and Victoria were.

Every illusion was shattering, the decorations and buildings that had densely adorned the territory were losing their light and disappearing.

Watching that scene, Kyle was certain that something must have happened to Astal.

There was no way Bellamora, a member of the Demon King’s Four Heavenly Kings, wouldn’t resist as her territory crumbled like this.

“Hurry and climb on! The Wind Spirit King will take us to where Astal is!”

Anima, saying that, immediately summoned a spirit and cast a tailwind on the path to the cinema, quickly moving while carrying the other companions.

Anima had always suspected the relationship between Victoria and Astal and interfered with them, but right now, more than anything, she didn’t want them to get hurt.

“Thank you, Anima.”

Kyle bowed his head towards the spirit summoner, expressing his gratitude. After all, in an illusion like this, every second is critically dangerous for the person trapped within.

So, Kyle and the others barely made it to the movie theater.

“…Oh my, look who decided to crawl in, the cute little rats?”

They were met with Belamora’s grotesquely laughing face, a huge hole ripped through where her heart should be, and even one of her arms gone.

“Please, please…. Wake up…. Astal….”

Victoria was clutching the unconscious Astal, sobbing and letting tears fall in heavy drops.