I Am What You See In Me

Even though I was still a junior, I didn't care. I had my friends, and I had an escape. Every day after school, my friend group and I would hang out, smoke, and fall into the same routine leave school, get high, come home, and go straight to bed. It was mindless, repetitive, and, in some ways, comforting. Eventually, I started feeling like I was frying my brain, but I didn't care. At least it kept me from being alone with my thoughts, from replaying my worst traumatic experiences over and over in my head like a broken record, from hearing the yelling that always seemed to need a target and that target was usually me. Time passed, and eventually, I turned eighteen. I wanted to embrace my newfound freedom, to step into adulthood and leave my past behind. I was determined to move forward, to rely on no one but myself. It felt like a fresh start, an opportunity to rewrite my story. That's when I got into my first relationship in over a year. This time, there were a few differences most notably, she was a girl. She was sweet, kind, and always willing to spend time with me. I had always known I liked women; that was never in question. But being in a relationship with one was different, unfamiliar in a way I hadn't anticipated. No matter how much I cared for her, I couldn't find myself attracted to her in the way I thought I should be. Fear gripped me, paralyzing me, making me shut down. I withdrew, becoming distant, and eventually, she broke things off. I wasn't heartbroken but I was desperate to fill the void, I turned to dating apps. It was a blessing and a curse. The constant stream of attention was numbing, temporarily distracting me from my loneliness. But it also became destructive. My behavior after the breakup reckless, self-sabotaging drove a wedge between me and my friends. Eventually, they had enough, and I was ostracized from the group. Losing them broke me in a way I wasn't prepared for. I locked myself in my room for days at a time, sinking into depression, unable to handle the weight of isolation. These were the people I thought I would always have the ones who made me feel like I could truly be myself. And now they were gone. I still had two friends who stuck around, but everything had changed. And then, just as I was drifting deeper into my loneliness, I met him.