I am Peter Parker

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***

The next day, after my breast strangulation, three unauthorised kisses and one averted, I staggered over to my aunts early in the morning, early because of the strange atmosphere in the house due to my presence. The girls would run away from me just by noticing me and lock themselves in their rooms, which was not a good thing in the case of the washroom, my room, the kitchen and the pantry. So I had to wait for the alarm level to drop, for words had no effect on them, and sneak past unnoticed. But that didn't stop Mystique from locking herself outside the house, so I had to climb out the window....

- Haa. Somehow I'm starting to miss Bumfucker. - Because of the words that came out of my mouth, I stood up on the spot and took out my phone, quickly dialling the number I needed. - Hello, helpline? I think I'm in trouble...

.....

After getting professional advice from several operators who were overflowing with enthusiasm to help me, I went to the nearest supermarket on the way so I wouldn't forget to buy some shopping later.

After buying up and approaching the checkout, I froze slightly in place, having met one of my classmates, Elizabeth somehow there....

- Shit, where the hell is she...? - who was holding up the queue, fiddling with her purse. - I remember taking an even amount.

I was a bit surprised to hear her say that, because she always seemed to be a flighty person, being a fashionista. Although maybe her need to follow trends is the reason for her meticulous budgeting?

- How much is she missing? - After going round the people in the queue, I asked the cashier.

- А?.. Um. Seventy-five cents. - which is a small price to pay for cutting in line. Even though I love them.

Placing my basket on the register, completely at random and with the sole motive of keeping it out of the way, I pulled seventy-five cents out of my wallet and handed it to the clerk who, with a sweet smile, began punching out my purchases.

.....

- Um... Peter? - On my way out, I was called out, and turned round to see E-something Allen again. - Can we talk?

- Which way are you going? - At first surprised by my question, she pointed in the direction. - Haa... I'm going that way too, let's talk on the way.

- Y-yes, x-okay... - I walked first, while Elizabeth A-something was fidgeting. - What do you think you're doing?! Embarrassing me like that!

- А?.. - I involuntarily turned around at her furious shout, and I'm ashamed to admit it, but my heart sank into my heels.

- Erm... Well... Y-you're like this. You're like this. And I'm, like. Well. Could you turn around, please? - losing touch with what was happening, I obediently complied. - Aren't you ashamed of yourself? A guy was paying for me like I was a superheroine or a star, and I almost went underground....! - I spun round on the spot. - La-la-la-ladi-di-da.

And back.

- Weren't you raised at all?! I told you not to play with a girl's heart. - ... - Ummm! T-that's not fair.

Yeah, well, as they say, women's hearts are full of secrets. I'm not sure I want to know them, because the truth can be frightening sometimes.

.....

We walked most of the way in silence, sometimes E-something Allen stared at me and grinned, sometimes stared and sighed, generally instilling in me a fear of the truth.

- Here's my house, thanks for the wire. Stop! You're doing that again?! - I could go on, but curiosity. - You're hitting on me?! First you helped me move my books, then you paid for me, and now you're walking me home. Your courtship is becoming more and more obvious!

Memo for the future: Helping people is not a good thing.

- Guys shouldn't woo girls, girls should woo them! - like a teacher, Elizabeth A-something started to reprimand me. - Didn't they teach you not to be so pushy? That's how you lose all your charm. Not that I like you any less as a classmate.

- Okay. - I could take it further by shifting the focus to the fact that whoever waits has no right to be upset when someone else takes the catch, but.... I think it's safer to just agree.... And what makes me feel like I've reached male enlightenment...?

.....

On finally arriving home to my aunts, I was happily greeted by the emptiness of a dark corridor.... I really hope they haven't forgotten about our family leisure time before which they made me drag myself to the shop....

- Haa... - either way, the groceries need to go. Yeah, maybe they left a note somewhere.

Walking down the corridor, suddenly the bathroom door swung open in front of me and a shadow appeared from behind the pillars of steam, followed by Penny stepping out in just a towel.

- Oh little brother, kya, you're here so suddenly~ - very convincingly, Petty pretended to accidentally drop the towel.

- ... - well my sister has the beginnings of breasts, God willing, something will grow by the time she's fifty. - Just out of interest, what kind of reaction were you expecting?

- Erm. Well. That you'd get all horny and go all passionate on me. - which could be considered rape. - Or you'd blush, at least.

- Like you are now?

- Mm-hmm.

- I see. - I walked past the naked Melka into the kitchen, as excited and embarrassed as watching golf. I even wanted to fall asleep, only to wake up and it would all turn out to be a dream.

.....

I spent the rest of the day alone with my sister, mostly I cooked, first breakfast, then lunch and before my aunts arrived I cooked dinner. Penny tried to take my passion from golf to cricket, choking on a banana, getting cream in her eye, trying to work out her scoliosis with various poses. But failed, and I even allowed myself to snuggle.

Then my aunts, who had been working overtime over the weekend, came in, and without much conversation we found ourselves in front of the TV, ready to watch the premiere.

**First Episode**

The best of the best men were selected for the sole purpose of becoming the husband of the Avengers! In the five years of the project's existence, no one has ever managed to win them all over, so will these sultry hotties do it?!

Jude High is blond, 182 centimetres tall, blue eyes! Smart, romantic, well-groomed, the dream of every girl seeking a quiet harbour on the beach! He was chosen by Captain America!

- I often think that the problems of our society arise from misunderstanding each other, so in order to understand other people, other cultures, I study languages. - Jude said as the rays of the setting sun illuminated his wavy hair and the ocean lapped at his feet.

Han Sang-hyun is a brunette, 173 centimetres tall, brown eyes! A rising star of Korean music, a real raucous sensation whose voice makes hearts swoon and souls melt! Chosen by Hulka!

- Sometimes, despite the spotlight and the screams of the fans, the music playing loudly and the song blasting out..... I get lonely. - Multicoloured safitas walked along the lavish stage, ending the shot on the idol's half-lit face, holding a microphone to trembling lips.

Arnold Stallone is blond, over 180 centimetres tall, almost 190, honestly, please don't check, green eyes! A successful actor, director, bodybuilder, wrestler, singer, athlete, politician and human being! Was chosen by the Torah!

- Just like any ordinary man..... Ghaa... Even I want to feel supported.... Nghaa. Nice cans, huh? - Arnold showed his biceps into the screen, dropping the barbell, and gave the viewer a white-hot smile.

Ricardo (surname to be specified) - brunette, height 180 centimetres, brown eyes! Sultry Latin American, able to ignite a fire in anyone who once met with him a look! Was chosen by Falcon Eye!

- ... - During two minutes Ricardo languidly breathed, repairing the bike, faint traces of oil neatly adorned his hands and face, as it happens when you deal with machinery.

Alexander Familiev - red-haired, 176 centimetres tall, grey eyes. A romantic traveller looking for the one that will be home for him! Was chosen by the Black Widow!

- People can give different definitions to the word homeland, but for me homeland is a place next to the destiny destined person.... - hugging a birch tree in a kokoshnik, Alex said.

And the last Peter, was chosen out of the competition by the Iron Lady, an incomparable inventor, philanthropist and a true expert on how to ignite a show!

- Here's who she's chosen. - The presenter pulled a crumpled photo of Peter out of her back pocket and the camera lingered on it for a couple of seconds. - Let's move on to the close encounter, the meeting and the first challenge!

**Episode End. Peter**

- That's it for today, dear viewers. Next week, our handsome boys will be heading off to mutant school, where they'll have many new discoveries to make! In the meantime, please go to the official website of our channel, vote for the best contestant, and we are also waiting for your active discussion in social networks! Until next week and remember that love always finds a way.

After the closing sentence, which the aunts, like cultists, chanted along with the presenter, went a short cut of the next episode and then the show went off air.

- I wonder what's going to happen to Peter next week? - Aunt Benio asked my wife as if she wasn't the one who had sat me between them an hour ago.

- I don't know, but hopefully more of the same, because I sometimes forget when I'm watching that he's one of the contestants. - Aunt May smiled, stroking my hair.

- Well, I'm not sure if the kidnapping and brainwashing part is going to make it in, but yeah, all sorts of things did happen to me.

- Chshiii. Don't spoil it! - Auntie Mae flicked me on the nose.

- Wait, what did you say?! - When as Aunt Benio soon lost the face of a disappointed viewer and gained the face of a concerned parent.

- Well... It was all over, of course..... - then I told a small part of what had happened to me during the fortnight. I didn't say much, but it's nice to be able to talk about it.

** Teresa Stark**

- So, girls, what did you think of the first episode? - I asked a question in the general chat room.

- I haven't seen it. - answered Stephanie, who doesn't like reality TV.

- Not bad, I guess? I listened with my ear. - Brina was polite as usual.

- Ha! *emoji not making sense* - I couldn't understand anything from Tora's reply, maybe she was drunk.

- I liked it though, especially the moment when the boys got hit by the sprinkler;-) - Claudia is the most passionate about the show this season too, right?

- Why do you ask? - Natasha saw right through me.

- Next week's dates, remember? Good for you, but Ripley doesn't allow me that kind of joy... - I lied, Ripley surprisingly hasn't been on my nerves this year.

The reason I bring this up is simple: I want to choose a dating partner for Peter so he doesn't fall out at the start of the show. There are two dates in the first week, the first week the guys pick a partner, the second week we do, the only restriction is that you can't repeat and date the same people the following week. The rule applies to this week, so Peter can't pick me, and I can't pick him, for I'm the one who brought him on the show. I know from a not-so-reliable source, Ripley, that Peter is planning to go on a date with Breena, which is his choice for the first date, and for the second date I'm going to try and persuade the most available of us to ask Peter out, Claudia....

- So girls, who do you want to hang out with? - I started, expecting a quick answer from Claudia and preparing in my head counterarguments against who she wants to go with.

- I'll take Peter Parker, is that okay? - but Stephanie was the first to answer, and she also made me freeze.

- But why, didn't you call me a pervert for bringing a schoolboy to the show? And now you want to go out with him? - While everyone in the chat room was quietly giving their approval, I was trying to think of a quick way to protect him from this prude, solely to buy time to figure out who was behind Peter Parker.

- You think I'm planning on doing something immoral to him? I chose him purely out of apathy for the show and an interest in understanding how he ended up on it. - Since I had nothing to say to that, and the girls had already agreed, I dropped the subject.

I hoped Peter wouldn't arouse Stephanie's suspicions, because I didn't want anyone else looking at him, I mean his secret. It's up to me to figure him out, I mean his secret!