I Am A Table [LitRPG Isekai Progression Fantasy]

Deciding (by Anders) that the best way to 'discover the mystery' was to actually enter the mystery, the group stepped into the doorway. Without Blorbo.

Hold on. You're not going to abandon me here, are you?

Finally, Lena asked the right question, "Do we need to carry Blorbo along?"

Rob asked. "Why? Just let him stay here and we can come back for him later. Who's going to steal a Featherwood table?"

What? No! You've always brought me along! How is it any different now?

Lena thought for a moment then said, "No harm leaving Blorbo here."

Yes! There is harm! I will… actually. Why do I need to follow? I just need the party to return and TELL me the mysteries of the tower, and I'll finish the quest without ever having to move. It's free real estate.

Yeah. Leave me here actually. I don't want to hear NO nonsense about why you need to drag along a table.

[-1 HP]

Wait. What?

[-1 HP]

He felt warmth on his surface. Warmth from a living creature.

[-1 HP]

[-1 HP]

[-1 HP]

Tabby began to meticulously scratch at Blorbo's casing for plot-related reason.

Argh! Get this little gremlin out of my face! He had to activate Retribution Counter right now. It was about time this monster got a taste of its own medicine.

[-1 HP]

[-1 HP]

The cat kept scratching.

What? How—[-1 HP]—how did I keep—[-1 HP]—losing health? [-1 HP]

The cat sat its butt on Blorbo. His Appraisal skill flared.

What? What the heck is a Retribution Counter Counter?! [-1 HP] How did it learn that? WHY did it learn that?

"No, Tabby! Bad!" Lena exclaimed, her voice firm. She scooped up Tabby, who let out a purr of pure contentment, then gently pulled Blorbo away from the wall.

"I have to bring both Blorbo and Tabby along," Lena declared, "so they don't fight each other."

Fight EACH OTHER? Blorbo screamed. Does this look like a fight to you?! I am being systematically dismantled by a furry demon!

"Okay," Rob nodded.

Okay? That's it? No reasoning?

And with that, Blorbo inexplicably got carried into another dangerous situation.

Marin led. Then came Anders. Then came Rob. Then came Lena. Then came Tabby. Ducaz had mysteriously vanished.

Wait. Aren't we missing someone?

Meh. If we forget about it, it's probably not important.

The hall stretched into dusty gloom, lined with shelves overflowing with forgotten magical artifacts and ancient, leather-bound tomes.

"I can feel the disturbance in the air," Anders said. "Something weak is approaching soon."

Suddenly, from a shadowy corner, a thick, leathery book detached itself from a shelf. It hovered in the air with pages fluttering rapidly like angry wings, then slammed shut with an indignant "Thwack!" It zipped forward, attempting to ram itself into Marin's helmet. Marin punched it away with the hilt of his sword.

What? Why didn't you just slash it?

"We cannot destroy arcane knowledge," Marin said.

What arcane knowledge? It's a BOOK written by some old, self-important academic mage bum who spent his life cataloging the exact number of lint particles in his beard.

[SIDEQUEST RECEIVED: Preserve the Arcane Knowledge]

Objective: Learn the content of the book without tearing a single page.

Reward: +8 AGI

Failure: None

Prerequisite: None

Accept: YES/NO

Blorbo accepted.

8 AGI?! A most excellent choice, my good knight. It is imperative we keep the book in as pristine condition as we can.

Though... no EXP?! You force me to grind 15,000 EXP to get to the next level. It's actually criminal to not give any experience point in any quest now,

[Bonus Reward Granted: +1 EXP]

Plus one? Plus ONE?! Might as well not give me anything at all!

[Bonus Reward Retracted: -1 EXP]

Never mind. I never said anything.

"Ha! A rogue tome!" Anders exclaimed. He didn't bother raising his wand. "A mere, sentient paperweight. Hardly a challenge for a true Archmage." He then fixed his gaze on Rob. "Tell you what, Paladinborn. Despite your distinct lack of actual Paladin powers, perhaps this is more your speed?"

Rob shook his head. "I'm good, thanks. It looks... dusty."

A growl rumbled deep in Marin's chest. He tightened his grip on his sword. "He may not be a Paladin, Archmage, but he is my friend. And no one insults my friend's lack of mythical powers, or his cleaning habits, while I'm present."

With a determined shout, Marin lunged forward, his sword gleaming. "Prepare yourself, rogue tome! You face the righteous fury of Marin Boyd!"

Wait. No.

Marin was, by all accounts, out for blood. The book, however, was out for pages. It zipped, spun, and snapped at him. Marin met its aggression, toe to toe. He feinted left, forcing the book to dart right, then spun, bringing the flat of his blade around in a wide arc. The book dodged, its pages fluttering in a defiant whir, only for Marin to bring the sword back with a lightning-fast reverse swing.

No!

He missed.

Yes.

He swung again with a crazy lightning fast forward swing.

No!

The book dodged in time.

Yes.

Marin launched a perfectly timed, upward slash.

No!

The book deftly twisted out of the way.

Yes.

He pivoted, using the momentum of his missed strike to bring the flat of his sword around in a wide, sweeping motion. The book, anticipating another blade-strike, zipped directly into the path of the wind created by the swing. It wobbled wildly, buffeted by the displaced air, careening off a nearby, extremely dusty candelabra with a soft clink.

With a desperate surge of magic, the tome emitted a high-pitched, almost feminine shriek. Its pages flared open, not to strike, but to unleash a rapid-fire volley of Paper Cuts.

Marin tried to deflect them, but they were too numerous, too fast. One of the spectral cuts struck his breastplate.

It's just paper. How does it go through a metal plate—

The paper pierced through the plate and stopped as soon as it nearly hit skin. And through that crack, in the middle of a swirling melee, a small, yet significant, patch of Marin's well-defined, glistening chest was revealed.

The book froze. Its fluttering pages stilled, its indignant hum died down, and its covers, ever so slowly, began to spread further apart, like a modest maiden peeking from behind a fan. Its pages flushed pink. All will to fight evaporated.

What's going on…

The book, instead of falling, began to flash its pages rapidly in front of Marin. Each page revealed a new, exquisitely rendered illustration: shirtless knights, chiseled and heroic, each holding a book (strikingly similar to this book) to their glistening, well-defined chests. A few even had strategically placed dust motes sparkling on their pectorals.

"Oh no!" Lena promptly covered Tabby's eyes without covering her own. "Don't look. This is inappropriate."

Rob whispered, "Are you sure this is arcane knowledge, Anders?"

"Of course not!" Anders cleared his throat. "A respectable archmage would never do such a thing. Who in their right mind would entertain this juvenile humor?"

The book turned to the final page. It read: Fellow juvenile humor (shirtless knight illustrations included) enjoyers: Kogata, Lorddarkrai, Marticus, CH3CK, purple_keyboard, toma2, SirXave, BazDog25, kp8080, roadsfan999, ChrisTheBard, Adatos Gesufri, VH Dio, and 1000 thousand more.

[SIDEQUEST COMPLETED: Preserve the Arcane Knowledge]

Reward: +8 AGI

Then the book flew off into the distance, never to be seen again.

The reward was no longer worth it. Blorbo had sacrificed his sanity for this.