I Am A Table [LitRPG Isekai Progression Fantasy]

Lena tore across the field, dodging ricocheting spells like a pastry-carrying comet of destiny. The macaron stayed perfectly balanced in her hand, glowing faintly with a soft pink aura, utterly pristine and blessed by at least three gods of Confectionery Order.

[Time Remaining: 43 seconds]

Wait, what? Why did time flow so quickly now?

Spells whizzed past her head. A volley of [Random Debuffs] streaked overhead, causing one unlucky squirrel to briefly forget how legs worked. Another burst of [Temporal Inversion] reversed the direction of Lena's braid mid-run, slapping her in the forehead like a misbehaving eel.

Still, she ran.

Yes! You go girl!

Tabby sat on the third oak tree to the left of the main gate, grooming himself with the serene detachment of a creature who knows exactly how much chaos he's above.

Lena skidded to a stop at the base of the tree, panting, eyes shining. "Tabby! I've got something for you!"

Tabby looked down slowly, his whiskers twitching. He did not move. He did not meow.

"Oh no," Lena whispered. "He's in his Royal Disappointment Mode."

Tabby stood, turned deliberately around, and presented Lena with a full view of his disdainful cat butt. His tail lashed once in aristocratic fury.

Blorbo felt the emotional damage immediately.

What? Why's he so offended? It's not like we the human party left him unfed and unattended for a month while taking care of unrelated business in an entirely different plane of existence.

Oh, wait.

"Oh come on, Tabby," Lena said softly, holding the macaron aloft. "I know you're mad. And that's fair. You probably had to fight off raccoons, or learn how to open dry food bags. Or, I don't know, become mayor of the garden. But look!" She wiggled the macaron. "Your favorite! Soft. Pink. Exactly two-and-a-half inches wide, just the way you like it. No coconut. I checked." She did not check.

Tabby remained statuesque in his perch, ears slightly back in the kind of subtle fury only felines and monarchs could express. He began licking his paw without looking at her, as if to say Your words mean nothing to me, servant.

Blorbo's voice shrieked in Lena's head like a toaster short-circuiting.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING. WE NEED TO FIND NUTTINGHAM.

"This is Nuttingham," Lena whispered automatically, eyes still locked on Tabby.

THAT IS NOT NUTTINGHAM. THAT IS A HOUSECAT WITH ISSUES.

"Tabby's not just a housecat," she hissed through clenched teeth. "He's emotionally layered."

[Time Remaining: 36 seconds]

That menace has survived a month on its own. It can wait another minute!

Blorbo scanned the tree and saw it—a knothole about the size of a large mango, nestled right in the bark. It reeked of squirrel occupancy. This was it. This was the place.

Okay. No help from Lena. I do this myself.

He focused, firing off every low-level skill he could muster:

[Skill: Adjustable Angle – Activated]
[Skill: Surface Wobble – Activated]
[Skill: Surface Agitation – Activated]

The results were… underwhelming.

Lena leaned slightly, probably. It could've just been the wind.

"Blorbo, stop it! I swear I felt something crawl down my leg," Lena hissed, swatting the air.

Blorbo summoned every ounce of metaphysical force he had left. The tree trunk buzzed faintly. A leaf shook.

"Blorbo!" she shouted. "Stop moving!"

NO, YOU STOP BEING SENTIMENTALLY OBSTINATE.

Then fate intervened.

At that exact moment, a passing archmage's [Sound-Amplification Echo Boom] collided with someone else's [Voice Projection Cone], and the resulting magical soundwave picked up Lena's shout—"STOP MOVING!"—and amplified it into a bellow loud enough to rattle windows across the courtyard.

"STOP MOVING! MOVING! MOVING! MOVING!" (It echoed.)

The force hit the tree like a gong.

The enchanted shout slammed into the squirrel hole.

For a full second, there was silence.

Then—

A terrified squirrel launched out of the hole like a projectile from a crossbow, fur fluffed, tail rotating like a pinwheel, eyes wide in existential horror.

Lena yelped and instinctively held the macaron closer to her chest.

NO! Blorbo screamed. THIS IS IT! DO NOT SCREW THIS UP, YOU GLORIOUS BAG OF ORGANS.

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He activated Adjustable Angle again—this time, with all the nuance and micro-force of a metaphysical chessmaster—and gently tilted Lena's wrist by maybe two degrees.

Just enough.

The macaron jutted forward at the perfect angle.

The squirrel, screaming, found its trajectory miraculously corrected.

It saw the macaron.

It wanted the macaron.

It took the macaron.

In a perfect mid-air spiral, the squirrel clasped the glowing pink pastry between its paws and bit into it with cosmic satisfaction.

A glimmering wave of sparkles burst around it as the macaron was accepted into its soul.

[Ensure the Macaroon remains perfectly pristine— COMPLETE]
[Time Remaining: 8 seconds]

Yes! Quest completed! Level me up now! I must get my new attributes!

There was no levelling up.

Wait. What?

[DELIVER the Fluffy Macaroon to 'Nuttingham'—FAILED]

FAILED?! What do you mean failed?! The squirrel took it! It caught it in the air like a sugar-seeking missile! It even bit into it with the joy of a hundred lifetimes!

A rustle resounded from the tree hole.

Another squirrel poked its head out, calm, clean-furred, and holding a clipboard. It wore an extremely tiny vest with brass buttons, and a monocle gleaming in the sunlight just like that of Griesa. Its nametag, polished to a shine, clearly read: Nuttingham, Esq.

Blorbo's internal scream reached a pitch only the astral plane could detect.

NO! YOU IDIOT! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUMP OUT FIRST?!

Nuttingham looked down at Lena, then at the airborne sugar high disaster of a squirrel still spinning with unearned bliss nearby. Then it jumped back into the hole.

NO! MY 100000 EXP! MY LEVEL 2 CONSUME!

[COMPULSORY QUEST FAILED: Secure the Fluffy Macaroon!]

Failure: Stunned for 60 minutes.

Great.

[YOU HAVE RECEIVED A RANDOM REWARD FOR YOUR EFFORT, A 33% CHANCE TO RECEIVE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING]

+100,000 EXP

Consume Upgraded to Level 2

A free ticket to any spa in Iakesi

Blorbo held his breath.

The screen materialized.

[Congratulations! You have received: A free ticket to any spa in Iakesi]

There was silence.

Then—

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—

He couldn't scream anymore. Because he had been stunned.