NOVEL NEXT Chapter 109: I did NOT court the King’s advisor’s advisor’s dog whisperer’s uncle’s daughter
"Gentlemen, there must have been a mistake. I have not committed a crime in twenty years." Anders immediately spread his palms in front of him.
The lead mage's eyes narrowed. "You are suspected of money laundering, racketeering, kidnapping of ROYAL ROAD READERS WHO DO NOT SAY THANK YOU FOR THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER, illegal cross-dimensional travel without proper licensure, unauthorized temporal displacement of confectionary-based fauna, vandalism of eleven sovereign public infrastructure, conspiracy to commit grand theft of two sentient, possibly sapient, buildings, reckless endangerment of a minor through exposure to inter-dimensional poultry, aggravated assault with a magically enhanced projectile against said poultry, failure to return borrowed kitchen implements, unauthorized use of the Grand Library's levitation charms to reach the top shelf of forbidden snacks, unauthorized transformation spellcasting, unauthorized transformation of humans into seahorses, transfiguration of all Order's ceremonial robes into inflatable rubber ducks, transfiguration of all Order's ceremonial robes into non-inflatable rubber ducks, attempted larceny, deliberate sabotage of the annual Mage Fair's 'Most Potent Potion' contest, causing a localized, self-sustaining rain shower of live frogs in the Archival Wing, creation and dissemination of highly unflattering limericks about the EMRCAR leadership, hoarding magical paperclips, repeatedly enchanting the Grand Archmage's breakfast cereal to sing opera, negligent handling of a level-three arcane explosive resulting in the temporary petrification of cafeteria staff, unsolicited magical redecoration of a protected historical monument, misappropriation of Order funds, attempting to replace the Order's sacred Oath of Loyalty with a complicated dance routine, murder of three fictional characters in a non-sanctioned fanfiction, impersonating a high-ranking magical creature to gain free entry to the annual Unicorn Rodeo, repeatedly charming the Order's messenger pigeons to deliver unsolicited romantic poetry to rival mage towers, unlicensed creation of a miniature black hole, refusal to use proper filing methods for your spell components, leading to a catastrophic glitter explosion in the central archives, correcting the grammar of ancient magical texts while they were actively being recited for rituals, animating an entire cart of discarded socks to form a revolutionary army, attempting to teach a griffin to tap dance, illegal smuggling of exotic, non-native fungal spores into the Grand Conservatory, unauthorized alteration of ley lines to improve arcane signal, creating a portal to the Elemental Plane of Custard in the Archmage's private chambers, failure to report a sentient cheese infestation in the barracks, orchestrating a 'flash mob' of enchanted, non-sentient brooms to perform elaborate synchronized sweeping routines during official ceremonies, using illusion magic to make all Order portraits silently judge passersby, enchanting the Order's official seal to occasionally quack loudly, illegal trafficking of forbidden books, deliberate misfiling of all disciplinary reports under 'Lost Socks', performing unlicensed magical dentistry on a startled dragon, swapping all the magical ink in the Scribing Chamber with invisible ink, attempting to barter the Grand Archmage's staff for a lifetime supply of sour gummies, creating a self-aware, perpetually sarcastic, but now sentient broom, attempted penning of a disturbingly unserious book called 'I Am A Table', unauthorized experimentation with reverse-aging potions on the Order's pet rock, repeatedly charming the Grand Library's automated shelving system to play lullabies at maximum volume, introducing a highly invasive, magically enhanced glitter-dust allergy to the entire Council, enchanting the official EMRCAR anthem to periodically break into a polka, weaponizing enchanted rubber chickens in a public forum, attempting to establish a 'Magical Mischief of the Month Club' using Order resources, causing a localized outbreak of spontaneous spoon-bending, jaywalking, alleged courting of the King's advisor's servant's neighbor's advisor's advisor's dog whisperer's uncle's daughter, unauthorized breeding of sentient dust bunnies, conjuring a permanent rainbow over the most somber funeral procession of a rival faction, deliberately creating a dimensional rift causing the sentiency of no less than 18 tables, manipulating weather patterns to ensure a constant drizzle of lukewarm tea over the head of a particularly annoying colleague, selling 'authentic' dragon scales that were, in fact, cleverly painted potato chips, using scrying pools to watch reality television shows from other dimensions, creating a 'portal to nowhere' in the middle of the training grounds, leading to minor inconveniences and existential crises, enchanting all official parchments to occasionally burst into confetti, illegal modifications to the Order's standard issue wands to produce only bubbles, attempting to levitate the entire central tower by yourself after a dare, unauthorized conversion of a storage closet into a thriving underground gnome casino, enchanting all the silverware in the dining hall to perform synchronized swimming, disturbing the peace with excessively loud spell rehearsals at 3 AM, unlicensed creation of a fully functional miniature volcano in the Grand Archmage's herb garden, repeatedly replacing the magical alarm runes with highly realistic sounds of farm animals, claiming ''magical research' as a valid excuse for setting off fireworks indoors, transfiguring all the dungeon keys into edible gummy worms, attempting to domesticate a griffin with nothing but belly rubs and bad jokes, selling 'bottled inspiration' which turned out to be carbonated water with a faint smell of old socks, unauthorized construction of a trebuchet on the library roof to launch oversized marshmallows at passing airships, enchanting all public benches to gently vibrate when occupied, teaching a highly sensitive mimic to perform interpretive dance routines, using the Order's celestial observatory to project 'Mage Wars' onto the moon, unauthorized attempt to conjure a fully sentient, self-aware sandwich…" the lead mage took in one last breath. "And finally, theft of a Legendary artifact."
You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.
"I did NOT court the King's advisor's servant's neighbor's advisor's advisor's dog whisperer's uncle's daughter," Anders retorted. "She courted ME. Also, she's your mother, Lena."
"What?" Lena stopped eating peanut butter.
"Do you pledge guilty to the charges?"
"Eh, it's like, your opinion, gentlemen. Truth is that these crimes were not within the last twenty years. The statute of limitation clearly expired on a good seventy percent of those charges about a decade ago," he finished, raising an eyebrow. "And as for the rest, you'll find the paperwork proving my 'banishment on my own terms' from EMRCAR conveniently filed under 'Events That Never Happened But Should Have, Volume III,' right next to the 'Great Custard Catastrophe of '99' reports. So, unless you've found a way to charge me for thinking about turning the Council's robes into sentient socks, I suggest we move along."
"It seems you cannot be persuaded with words." The mage lead shook his head, and took out a wand. All the other mages—Blorbo counted 47—took our their wands.
Lena… You know what's the smartest thing to do right now? Do what Ducaz's doing.
Ducaz was silently walking backward into the portal.
"I have a mom?" Lena asked.
"That's his daughter!" The mage lead pointed at her. "Arrest her too!"
Great.