Husband of the Goblin Tribe

Porter of the Kobold Party

Chapter One

In which it was definitely the fault of the luggage being too heavy, and not the fault of the Kobold having to carry it.

“Nymfi! What we do now?” Trixie, the chromatic-black Kobold and party’s Trickster asked their leader.

“We get porter to carry luggage for us. We not lose because we weak Kobolds. I know we strong! But, because luggage heavy, we no move fast and sneaky like Kobold should. That why we lose to goblins this time.” Nymfi the chromatic-white Dragoon explained.

“Make sense.” Added the chromatic-green Silky, resident Alchemist who was slotting potion vials into her bandoleer.

“Who we get to carry luggage? Gnome not want to bring grumpy Dwarf along!” Gnome, the chromatic-blue Artificer of the group, felt the need to throw in her two copper shinies about who not to pick.

“How about Humie?” Boggie, the Dragonfist Brawler and the only non-chromatic metallic-gold Kobold suggested.

“Humie? Hmm… Tall, handsome, and many muscles not bad to travel with.  Not mind let carry things.” Mandy, the chromatic-red Warlock in the group, felt that Boggie’s suggestion had merit. It would be much more enjoyable to travel with a good looking Humie than an ugly, noisy, smelly, Dwarf.

Nymfi was quick to jump on the bandwagon once Mandy had gotten a bit descriptive with the type of human she wanted.

“Trixie, Silky, Gnome… also okay with Humie?”

The three of them looked at each other and nodded, bringing the total number of Kobolds in agreement to six. Which conveniently was also how many Kobolds there were present.

“Okay, let’s go back to nest, and I go to Adventurer Guild and find Humie to carry luggage.”

The six Kobolds, a fledgling party carrying the much undeserved party name Breath of Fire, had left the plains where they had escaped to safety from the forest that was home to the goblins they were supposed to have subjugated, and headed back to the nearby town of Thorn.

Kobolds, being distant cousins of dragon-kind, were considered to be one of the sentient races, and were generally not shunned as adventurers, though not nearly as in demand as actual Dragonkin, their larger cousins, were. Usually only the sneakiest of Kobolds lucked themselves into a good party. But luck was a skill appreciated by Kobolds… almost as much as being sneaky.

Though not a single one of these six kobolds would ever admit it, they all lacked the ability to take both responsibility and accountability for their actions. Instead, if blame could be placed on anything else for their shortcomings or failures, it would be. Which was exactly why they had come to the conclusion that they couldn’t possibly be at fault for losing to the small party of goblins encountered today. It was definitely because the goblins weren’t carrying backpacks, while the kobold party were.

Each of the Kobolds hailed from a different tribe, and had also belonged to other parties at one point. Due to circumstances that they were in no way responsible for, each of them had coincidentally been blamed and kicked out of their respective parties for said circumstances with no room for rebuttal or escuses.  So, while searching for a new party to join, the six of them, all party-less at the same time, eventually realized they could just make their own party. A Kobold party, where they could all be on the same page; in that the other parties they had been a part of were just specist, and that there was no way that a clever Kobold could be at fault for anything.

Kobolds were self-admittedly part dragon, and fiercely proud of their heritage, however tiny and distant it was. Dragons were known far and wide as the strongest and smartest creatures around. Therefore, if a Kobold were to be at fault for something, wouldn’t they, as a smart dragon-kin, be the first to know? The logic was as solid as a perfectly packed sand cube. Absolutely incontestable!

The Kobold party returned to their small shared nest and took a break, while Nymfi took it upon herself to report in to the Adventurer's Guild about their latest round of bad luck. Entering the Guildhall, Nymfi went up to the receptionist, who greeted her with a smile. It was a Lagosian, one of the Beastkin who had rabbit ancestry. A tall and extremely lewd body with ridiculously oversized milkies that would get in the way, Nymfi was in no way jealous of her, because she wasn’t even an adventurer. She just handled the paperwork.

“Hello Nymfi, did the goblin subjugation go well?”

Nymfi shifted a bit uncomfortably, eventually leaning back on her tail for support.

“No. Sneaky goblins move too quick to catch. All because they not have to carry anything but loincloths and light weapons, while Kobolds had to carry heavy backpacks along with heavy weapons.”

The Lagosian receptionist covered her mouth when speaking next.

“I… see… um… so… kuku~… how can I… help you…?”

The receptionist was shaking, her other hand holding her stomach. She was most likely in complete and total fear of how powerful Nymfi was. It made Nymfi feel superior knowing that.  It certainly wasn't because the long-ears was trying to hide her laughter.

“Talk with party. Decide together that Kobolds want to hire Humie porter to carry things so not move slow.”

“You… pfft

“Yes. Also, want Humie be tall, handsome, and have many muscles.”

“Oh… oh my! Such specific criteria… why… I do think… we might even have one… in stock.”

The Lagosian receptionist leveled a trembling finger towards the rear of the Guildhall, where Nymfi saw a soft-skinned human with black top-hair sitting at a table drinking.

“That Humie?”

When Nymfi looked back, the Lagosian was no longer trembling.

“His name is Cobi. From what I understand, he’s one of the best porters around. Why, I’m certain if you had him carry your stuff, there is no way you would run into any problems.”

“Yes. Kobolds also think so. Why we want one in first place. Nymfi go talk with Humie now.”

A single silver coin was placed on the counter in front of the receptionist. Nymfi was aware that it was a good practice to give shinies to the tall ones who help Kobolds. It kept things running smoothly, and no Kobold ever wants to be caught up in bad bureaucracy. They were dragonkin too, and any kin with dragon blood in their veins knew there was no such thing as good bureaucracy in the first place. In fact, Bureaucracy was created to keep the non-dragon races from getting ahead in the first place.

Any Kobold worth their name would have many shinies on hand to take care of such trivialities.

Walking over to the far end of the Guildhall, Nymfi approached the Human who raised an eyebrow as he drank from his mug.

“Humie want carry things?”

The mug slowly descended from his lips to rest on the table, the human giving Nymfi a non-threatening stare the entire while.

“Are you looking to hire a porter, Miss… Kobold?”

The first thing Nymfi noticed about the human as he spoke was that his voice had a pleasant tone to it. Absolutely nothing like those noisy Dwarves who drank too much and made fun of Kobold craftsmanship every chance they got.

“Yes. Humie carry things and Nymfi give shinies. Not only Nymfi things. All Kobold things.”

“I... see. You wouldn’t happen to be part of the Breath of Fire party, would you?”

Nymfi’s tail slid back and forth on the ground, subconsciously reacting to the human very clearly recognizing her party’s famous name, which has most certainly been spread far and wide in every direction by now.

“Nymfi is party leader.” She said proudly.

The human stuck out his long arm with a clawless open palm in front of Nymfi.

“Pleased to meet you. Do you shake hands? I’m Cobi. I’m not much of an adventurer, but when it comes to carrying things, I can say with confidence that there hasn’t yet been a full bag I couldn’t lift. I’ll take the job, provided the shinies are enough.”

Nymfi nodded. The human was confident, and even had a name that sounded pretty close to Kobold. Maybe it was the will of the Divine Clutch-Mother that this meeting had happened so quickly. Nymfi took out a small pouch and extracted two gold coins.

“How long carry things for this many shinies?”

Money was more of an abstract concept for Nymfi and the other Kobolds. Almost all of them came from well established clans who served dragons with large hoards of treasure. As such, they were entirely unaware of how valuable a single gold coin actually was. They just assumed that it was one of the shinier of shinies, and putting one out on the table while negotiating, usually got them the better end of the deal.

There wasn’t a merchant alive in the town of Thorn that was remotely willing to correct them, either.

“Hmm. How about we do a trial run first?”

“What Humie mean by trial run?”

“I’ll carry all your things, and you can decide if I’m only worth this many of your shinies, or if I’m worth more. Don’t you think that’s fair?”

Nymfi agreed.

“Sound fair. Not go on adventure today, just get back. Maybe tomorrow. Humie come to place where party nest and meet other Kobolds?”

“Sure, it’ll also be good to see exactly what it is you want me to carry.”

So far, things were looking bright for the Kobold party’s future. Not being bogged down by heavy backpacks meant they would for sure be able to focus on adventuring properly!

The human took the two gold coins and slid them into a hidden pocket in his vest. Then he stood up and Nymfi was surprised to see how the human was easily two feet taller than she was.

“Humie tall!”

“I’m only six feet.”

“Six feet? Nymfi only count two feet.”

That elicited a chuckle from Cobi.  

“It’s not important. Being tall just means there’s more space for me to carry things.”

Nymfi could not refute his words which made perfect sense to her. Yes, this human might be a real bargain for the Kobold party. As well as having silky looking black top-hair, the human also had a skin coloring closer to a metallic-bronze than the usual pale-pink, at least where his skin showed. Metallics tended to be a bit less sneaky than chromatics, though no less greedy for shinies. Having a Human that wasn’t sneaky might very well be to their benefit. Plus, it would make Boggie feel much happier having someone similar to her, since the rest of the Kobolds were all chromatic in color, and not metallic.

“Humie follow. Place where Kobolds nest is close by.”

The two left the Adventurer’s Guild and ventured through the town a short distance until they reached what Cobi saw only as an old dilapidated house. Entering their so-called next, there were five other Kobolds inside, all lazing about on piles of hay and straw. Heads perked up once the door closed behind them.

“Oh, Nymfi back!”

“Nymfi bring Humie?”

“Kuoh! Humie tall!”

“Humie have many muscles?”

To Cobi, the Kobolds present resembled more a collection of stray cats than a clutch of self-professed dragon-kin. Nymfi stood tall and introduced their newest acquistion.

“This Humie Cobi. Carry Kobold things for shinies. Humie, this rest of Kobold party. Nymfi introduce everybody. Start with Trixie Trixter.”

The black-chromatic Kobold lifted her tail in the air and swished it around in greeting.

“Then have Silky. She Alchemist and Songhealer.”

“No worry, Humie. Silky potions heal lots!”

All of the girls nodded at that. They had been saved many times from bad injuries thanks to their green-chromatic friend’s potions.

“Next is Mandy. Best fire Warlock ever meet.”

A small ball of flame was conjured in her open chromatic-red clawed hand, and then quickly snuffed out when it closed.

“Then Gnome, she Artificer and also in charge of fixing Kobold weapons when break.”

A lazy chromatic-blue arm half-covered in a gauntlet waved slightly from atop a pile of straw.

“Last is Boggie. She Dragonfist Brawler.”

The Metallic-gold Kobold was sitting up in a cross-legged position.

“Humie know how to fight?”

Cobi just shook his head.

“I’m not much of a fighter, I’m afraid. My job is mainly to carry things, though I can make things quite easy for you all because of that. I can also do a little cooking and a few other things here and there.”

“Humie not need listen to Boggie. She like fighting too much. Even punch and kick things when asleep.” Trixie spoke while her tail slapped the pile of straw she was curled up on.

“Not matter if Humie not fight. Only care Humie carry things! We strong enough protect Humie.”

Nymfi was quick to shut down any potential bickering. Once the others were quiet again, she introduced herself as well.

“I Nymfi. Party leader and Dragoon.”

Cobi was fairly impressed. The party was well-balanced. He could certainly remember a time when he was in a mostly all-magician party with a single knight acting as a tank. What a disaster that party was… once the knight had been disabled during a particularly nasty fight with a chimera.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you all. I am Cobi. May I inquire as to what exactly I will be carrying?”

Six fairly standard medium sized backpacks were all quickly revealed by each of the Kobolds.

“Hmm. May I inspect the bags?”

The Kobolds agreed to let him, and Cobi went around hefting each backpack and taking a peek inside. To his discerning eye, all he could see inside each of them was junk. But, as he was being hired to carry things for this party, he assumed these things must have had some practical use for these Kobolds, otherwise they could just be left behind.

It certainly wasn’t in the nature of a dragon-kin to carry their entire hoard around with them wherever they went. No, nothing as foolish as that could possibly be the reason the Kobold party was slowed down by the weight of their luggage.

Regardless, Cobi was an expert at handling luggage, and would be sure to keep an itemized inventory on hand, since it would be vastly inefficient to carry six separate backpacks. Instead, Cobi had a special backpack of his own meant for absolute organization and efficiency in carrying and transporting goods.

But, just for good measure, he scooped up all of the bags and lifted them three to an arm with incredible ease, thus causing all of the female Kobolds to be wildly impressed.

“Humie Strong!”

“How can lift Gnome backpack so easy?”

“Can Humie lift me next?”

“Want to feel Humie’s many muscles!”

“Hear Humies have front tail? Is it true?”

Of course, at no point would any of these female Kobolds ever admit that they were sexually starved and therefore ridiculously thirsty for a cross-specied good time. It was clearly the Human's fault, seducing them with his tall body, handsome face, and amazing muscle strength.

Returning the packs to each one of the Kobolds, already having memorized which one belonged to who, Cobi informed Nymfi that he needed to make arrangements to carry everything, and would return later in the afternoon.

The six Kobolds took the time to rest and mend from their latest loss, looking forward to adventuring with the Human, while Cobi, after leaving the dilapidated house that the Kobolds occupied, returned immediately to the Adventurer’s Guild to speak with Viola, the Lagosian receptionist who sent the Kobold his way.

“Kobolds?”

“You said you wanted an easy job.”

Cobi sighed.

“Yeah, that’s the truth. Well, I guess I can’t complain, they already paid upfront. Just promise me one thing, Viola. No quests going to the Dark Forest.”

“Yes, yes, I know. None of us have forgotten about that massacre, or the warning you said you received from the being that called itself The Great Protector.”

Cobi saw himself out and went back to the low-budget inn he was staying at just down the street. In the far corner of his room on the second floor was his trusty magical pack, and the secret to why he was considered one of the best porters around.

Slipping it on and taking a deep breath, he exhaled once more the words that had been his mantra of life.

“A job… is a job.”

Then he left the inn, began shopping around for supplies, and eventually made his way back to the Kobold party, who were now his newest employers, even if they seemed to be a bit too... eager to have him.