Honey, I've Leveled the Kids [Family-Focus, LitRPG - COMPLETE]

"I failed my quest," a player sighed. She had leaves weaved into her hair, held a staff and poked at the remains of Clingeo Grove.

Bits of greenery survived this close to the gate entrance of Fanamel, but thirty feet past it were the dead woods.

"Yeah, I needed to gather a few animals. I guess I'll try the mountains or risk going further out." A man dressed in the level one tunic like me twisted his knife around. "This is a bad luck city."

Leaning over to Naiad, I whispered, "Ignore them and walk in, say nothing. You don't know who will hurt us."

She nodded in agreement. The guards at the gate of the city didn't even seem to notice us as we slid past the grumbling players. Now that we were in the city and in a safe place, I finally stopped my twenty-minute rambling to my streamers about our current builds and our class quests. Excited viewers trickled in as I explained the legendary quest.

"Ah, I wish I knew what they were saying to engage with the community," I sighed longingly.

"Did you ever play with the viewers?" Naiad asked.

"No, I wanted to keep it separate and not risk any sort of drama that comes from that territory. Thanks for the reminder. I need to turn off some private settings so they don't see our guild name or any of the messages. Sorry y'all," I waved up at the air as I changed the settings.

As extra precaution, I would need to make sure I blurred the surroundings areas or went to commercial break whenever I visited our guild hall. I got enough trouble when playing Globe of Battlecraft with annoyed fans. As a top fighter with months of experience, it was easy to chase them away. Here in Seconds-Over, I only had axe fighting skills, along with two levels of experience in throwing weapons.

"You still have your stat points from when we fought the original legendary quest giver?" I said, along with a quick message to Naiad to notify her to not say the word ent.

I wanted to keep it private information on how we got the quest. We didn't need competition in case only one of us got the reward. That would leave our guild cursed by the gods.

"Hmm?" she cued in on the secret conversation, doing a poor acting job. "Oh those stats, during your rambling to the stream, I spent them on charisma, intelligence, and then dumped the rest into dexterity."

I restrained a grumble. "Why did you spend a point on intelligence?"

"I want to leave options open for other builds. There's a Chameleon class that sounded fun. I could blend in and shoot crits."

"Chameleons don't shoot. They sneak around and stab, give up the bow and spend fewer points on dexterity. What happened to the necromancer class?"

"I just like plants. Necromancy seemed too, ehh," she shrugged.

That was a short-lived dream of a skeleton army. I gave a suggestion, "A druid class would be good, or better yet, a beast master."

A big large heavy duty pet that could tank for our team. Our team was squishy until I got this Jaguar of Chiliam class.

Naiad huffed and kicked at the brickwork beneath her feet. "Why can't you just let me pick? I don't want to be a pet owner and on the sidelines."

We were approaching the guildhall. The stream used a fake guildhall and a randomized view to hide our exact location.

"Our current build was too fragile." I explained.

"Just like your ego." She stabbed back. Her face lacked a smile, betraying the joke.

I stopped looking at the viewer counter stuck at 323 and focused on her. "Naiad, this is a big deal, just-"

"Eggs!" Triangle came running up to us from up the street that lead to the central NPC neighborhoods.

He wore a pair of aprons, one in the front and the back like a cape, both completely covered in dirt, wet food puree and… glitter?

This game was evil.

Glitter was now in my home and I swear if I found it in the VR capsules at home, I would sue Seconds-Over. I backed up to avoid a hug from the glitter monster and the disease. The safest measure in this was to ask for a high five and pray to be upwind. He took the bait and smacked my hand.

He asked his question again, "What eggs did you get?"

"Not eggs," Naiad explained. "Dad's ego."

"It's sooooooo big!" Triangle stretched his arms out to exaggerate the size. "But that's what makes Dad great."

I flatly replied. "Thanks." I wanted to change this conversation and get to focusing on the build our team needed. I checked in our support or mage player next. "What were you doing out in town? Did you go fight a rat nest with the map?"

The joy on the young boy's face lessened. "No. I needed bugs for Goldy and found an NPC shop. She gave me the bugs and a bundle of dry plants for watering her potted plants."

"Huh. What was her shop?"

"A fish bait store." Triangle said with confidence.

I looked back up the street and at my map. The ports were the other way. It had to be the worst bait shop location, or this was a story Triangle was making up.

Naiad tapped Triangle's pointy hat, and it rained glitter. She was not afraid of the horrible mess as she talked. "Looks like it was fun. We got some supplies while out."

I joined in, "Not too much because we were in the woods that we burned down."

Naiad's eyes grew wide. "Shh."

"Aw crap." I whispered.

So much for being secretive about the Root and Seeds of the Problem quest. No streaming filter could save me from my big mouth. I was still worried about disgruntled players mad at us for ruining their quests.

"Sorry everyone." I put my hands up as an offering.

Triangle gave me a weird look, prompting Naiad to whisper to him about the situation with my stream.

I continued talking. "I didn't mean to burn it down. A terrible combination of a quest and the wrong mobs. This isn't how we unlocked the legendary quest. Please don't go burning down all the forests. A lot of players need supplies, like a bowyer in the player market area."

"If you go to the woods, bring lizards and-" Triangle spoke up at the sky and brought out his pet fish Goldy, "and a fish! Squirt them Goldy!"

Goldy didn't know who "them" was, but he knew me and Naiad. The fish spat out a stream of water at us.

"That's cold," I complained, but also gave Triangle a thumbs up for a perfect distraction from the fire conversation.

This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

Naiad laughed as he chased us around the fighting square. I noticed a new building in the area being constructed by magic. Bricks were being laid down and mortar spread between them. The base of the build was a third the size of the tinker hut and had a sign displaying a healing vial out front.

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[Herbalist hut - bubbling excitement for any new beginner.

Purchased by Triangle.]

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"Triangle, did you already unlock-"

A water blast hit my open mouth and sent me into a coughing fit.

"Sorry Dad!" he ran over, putting Goldy away. "You okay?"

I gave the thumbs up. Once I finally coughed the water free of my lungs, I told him, "Great head shot. That's an efficient attack."

Water agitated my throat still, and I coughed, pointing at the new building. "What's this about?"

"That bug lady I told you about," Triangle answered and pulled out two yellow papers in his hand and waved them. "She gave me these cards I can collect which show me how to make smoothies!"

Smoothie recipes from a bug shop in the NPC area, and he had a herbalist hut now. The story made less and less sense and only something a six-year-old could make up. I should be happy that he was becoming a herbalist, a support class, but I wasn't understanding if it was his goal.

"Right." Naiad said. "What smoothies did you learn to make?"

"Bananas are delicious." Triangle replied. "But I can't get more cards until I find eggs. Can I have your rat skins and their feet?"

"Ew." Naiad pulled out a few eggs and handed it to him.

"I have a few rat bodies. Here, take these and other random items." I emptied most of my inventory. "Let us know what else you need."

Triangle pulled out a yellow potion with a fatty cap on it from his inventory. He passed it to his sister. "She said I need to experiment and try my potions out. But…"

Horror crossed Naiad's face, combined with disgust as she stuck out her tongue. "Game or not, I'm not risking drinking that. Dad can, it will boost his fortitude."

The yellow potion came closer to me and I resisted gagging at the name.

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[(Item, common) Stamina Potion - the Eggy Rat.

This potion will supply an endurance boost for an unknown and amount of time. No one has drunk the potion to discover its full properties. Warning this could give you the runs, it is a stamina potion.]

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As a supportive parent, I took the glass bottle, smiling because I wanted him to build confidence. I really wanted him to continue this support class. The glass had an oily coat to it and the whole thing smelled of onions.

I gulped my queasiness down and took the drink to get it over with.

It wasn't a smoothie. It was chunky and thick. There was even a string that got stuck in the back of the yellow liquid that went over my lips. I couldn't finish it. I put the bottle down, tasting only onion and olive oil with… something else underneath.

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[Buff: Stamina Up+1

Increased stamina regeneration by 3%.

Duration: 10 minutes]

>>><<<

I heaved for a few moments from the taste before explaining to Triangle the buff status. "You'll get better ones if you work on cutting up smaller pieces to make it a smoothie."

Naiad pointed at the vial in my hand. "What's with the name? Did it actually have rats?"

I entered parent zone mode for a moment to not hear Triangle's response to the last question.

Triangle shook his head. "I don't get to pick the names. The game makes funny names for the failed ones. Come see the one it gave my bomb."

We followed him over to the explosion room. The level three station automatically tried to clean up any explosions, including the glitter. The desk was a sturdy black metal with papers filled with Triangle's scribbles covering it. Pictures of metal springs, goblins, and fish attacking a tree laid about.

Triangle started going into a demonstration, grabbing into the waste bucket from the kitchen. "Using sticky goop, with sheep wool, vegetables, ash, and anything else that's not nice, I can bring it over here to my small nickel balls - the silver ones leak the material out - and stick it in, I get three of these!"

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[(Item, uncommon) Sticky Nicky (Ni)

Also called the Sticky Nicky, a bomb that adds shrapnel and will stick to the opponent until they find a shower. The smell is powerful and it will leave a goopy trail for at least one day, or the target removes the sticky stank.]

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I didn't understand the mixing components of this game. Maybe it was something like cooking in the kitchen with recipe cards. With caution, I picked up one of his Sticky Nicky. The liquid squished on the inside instead of sloshing.

Naiad was on her tippy-toes looking at the one I held and asked, "Can I have one?"

Triangle shook his head. "No, the game says need level five in the skill. I wouldn't shake it, Dad."

With the most care possible, I put the silver bomb down. "That explains the mess. The poor guild cleaning fairy."

"Yeah, she's mad at me," Triangle said. He picked up the bomb and put it in his bag.

"What's the damage like?"

"Want to see?" He perked up and pulled it back out, aiming right at us.

"Woah!" Naiad said, diving behind me. "The goal isn't to hit us!"

I calmy corrected them both, "Naiad, you're not his parent. But she is right."

"But you all block the enemy from me. I can't throw around you," Triangle whined as he put all the bombs into his fanny pack.

Naiad picked the last one up gingerly and tossed it into the practice area. It exploded and splattered gunk on the invisible wall. The orange, but green slime oozed slowly down the invisible wall. The magical shield did not stop the smell. A compost pile is nice and earthy. This was rancid milk and rotten produce.

"Hey!" Triangle screamed.

"Naiad! He said don't throw it."

"Oh sure, he get's to set the rules but I don't?" she huffed.

Triangle jumped up at his sister to hit her. Before I could say stop, Naiad kicked back. This was going to be a full on family feud. I looked up at the sky and waved to the stream.

"I got to go fix this. I'm signing off."

I grabbed out the rope, prepared to wrangle up the kids. With a stern, deep dad voice, I ordered them to stop. "The rule is the same in Seconds-Over as it is at home: no fighting with your sibling. If you don't stop now. I'm dragging you to the Falafel place to eat with me."

Both paused.

And didn't listen.

Naiad chased after Triangle as he threw the goop in her direction. She dived to grab him, but he twisted the other way to evade.

"Hey!" I looped the rope around and lassoed Triangle.

The kids had a common front and united against the ultimate foe, their father. Naiad used her knife to free her brother.

I called again. "Get back here!"

Triangle ran around the magic fighting arena, grabbing Naiad's hand so she followed. He slowed her down, giving me a chance to catch up as I cut through the goop covered fighting arena.

Naiad let go of her brother, betraying him.

"I got you!" I laughed at the play, focused on the easiest small target. "Let's go eat!"

"No!" Triangle begged.

From behind me, Naiad pushed me into a goop puddle, giving her brother the distance he needed to get away.

Bait and switch, and I fell for it.

The goop stuck to me within seconds. The material was both slick and sticky at once. I could stretch it briefly, but my foot would jerk back slightly with each step.

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[Debuff: Stickier and Stinkier. Time remaining: 24 hours.

You have 15% less movement speed until you remove this smelly slime.]

>>><<<

The smell was repulsive, and I barely held back a gag as I tried to stand. The green and yellow covered my hands, feet, and the rope. Everything made a suction sound as I pulled from the puddle I was in.

"Fine, you win! No falafel." I admitted my defeat.

"Yay!" they both cheered in unison as they came over to help me out.

I pointed to the gunk. "Triangle, these would be great in a fight, if you could figure out how to avoid the friendly fire. It could save us in a life or death situation, or make one for us. Can you please give me the cure for it?"

"A shower?" He pointed to the guild's baths.

I grimaced at imagining what that would mean in battles in the future. Naiad's low health would doom her if a sticky bomb got her mid-fight. I clarified what I meant, "Try to make a portable solution for fights. Join us tomorrow so we can keep you on level. We also need to work on Naiad's build before it's a bunch of stats on a wrong path."

Naiad threw the rope right into the goop. Instead of splattering, it absorbed it in. "Wrong path? That's the build I wanted. I'm playing this game for fun or I'm not playing at all."

Her sudden anger came out of nowhere. I tried to explain my thoughts. "The game is fun when we're winning as a team and play together."

"Then why is Triangle staying at the base today?" She snapped out and crossed her arms, going on the defense to block anything I would say.

Triangle stepped behind Naiad, hiding from my sight and not wanting to be part of this yelling.

I wish he would defend himself instead of making me speak up for him. "He wanted to switch it up. It's good to let kids explore new things. Tomorrow will be different, you'll see. What do you think, Triangle?"

Triangle shook his head. "I want to, uh, fix the Nicky's and see if we can get a cleaner. Better explosions." He lowered his voice. "Something to keep the monsters far away."

Finally, I had a kid on my side of the argument. I continued to defend him. "He has a goal. If he keeps focusing on intelligence, he's going to make us some potions that we can use. We're a team and need each other, and his realistic goal of keeping monsters away will let you, an archer, stay safe. So listen to your brother and me."

I was excited to check the forums later to see if anyone talked about the stream. They might even have suggestions on how to speed through the quests so we could level up faster. I prepared a message to CheezWiz in the guild chat so he could convince her of a tank pet build.

Naiad clicked her tongue like her mother did when annoyed and crossed her arms. "This isn't OUR game. Figure out your own mess."

Without another word, her character logged off.

Triangle stood there without his tank, and he looked at me with tears gathering around his big eyes. He hated fighting.

With a gentle voice, I spoke, "I'm going to rinse and log off. I need to talk to your sister, and I owe her cookies. Do you want one?"

The mention of cookies instantly changed his mood. He was easier to reason with than his sister.