Heretical Fishing: A Cozy Guide to Annoying the Cults, Outsmarting the Fish, and Alienating Oneself

I jumped down to the sandy soil as we crept toward the giant tree

Its trunk was as wide at the base as a house, and its canopy reached high into the sky before fanning out. Large chunks of earth lay around it as if the tree had shot from orbit and landed there. It looked like a giant oak, but with one distinct difference.

Its bark was blue.

It was the largest tree I’d ever seen, bigger even than the one growing within the church.

“Hang on...” I said. “Is that the tree that was growing underneath the church?”

“Its position makes sense,” Maria whispered back. “Is that why all the dirt is thrown around? It sprouted up from the church?”

“Makes sense... but how?”

“You’re home!” A familiar voice called, poking her head from around a giant lump of dirt at the tree’s base.

“Mom!” Maria’s face lit up as she jogged over and embraced Sharon.

As they squeezed each other, a veritable crowd came to greet us. It was the entire congregation that had remained in Tropica, and their faces lit us as they saw us. With one exception, of course.. Roger glared at me from the back, but his scowl disappeared when Maria wrapped him in a hug.

“I missed you, dad.”

“Missed you too, sweetie.”

“See?” I said, giving Roger a grin. “I promised you I’d bring her back in one piece.”

He grumbled under his breath, but Maria tapped him on the forehead, cutting it off. “Be nice, dad.”

“How did it go?” Sharon asked, giving me a knowing smile.

“We planned on letting everyone out beneath the church, but, uh, what’s up with the tree? Is that the one from downstairs.”

“It is.” Sharon grimaced. “The walls shook so much that I was worried the ceiling would collapse. The room the tree was in... well, let’s just say I wouldn’t recommend going anywhere near it.”

“That bad?”

“Completely destroyed.”

“Damn.” I gazed up at the tree. Its canopy had to be at least a hundred meters across, and if I didn’t know better, I’d assume it had been here for centuries. “Oh, well. I guess we should let them out here.”

Borks nodded at me.

Cracks formed in the air, and a moment later, the portal opened. The people within flooded out. Wide grins split their faces, but as they noticed where they were, confusion replaced their exuberance. Barry was the last to emerge. He scooped Helen up into a hug and roared with victorious laughter, but it died in his throat as his gaze drifted toward the giant blue trunk next to him.

He slowly set Helen down.

“... Lemon?” he asked, his head swiveling between the tree and me.

“I don’t think so,” I replied. “But I can check.”

I closed my eyes and extended my awareness toward it. I immediately located Lemon, but it was only part of her. She dwelled beneath the surface, listening but not showing herself for some reason.

No, I realized as I felt the chi she sent toward the giant oak beside us. Not listening. She’s feeding it...

I focused my attention more on the tree, and what I found there made my brows fly toward my hairline.

There was a spirit in the tree. It was clearly related to Lemon somehow, yet also entirely different. As I sent my attention further toward it, the spirit noticed me. It thought I was a threat; I could sense its fear and hesitation. But then a stronger emotion rose up as Lemon radiated reassurance toward the newer spirit, telling it I was trustworthy.

Slowly, it came toward my awareness, and as I extended my chi towards it, the spirit didn’t shy away. It was... young. Incredibly young. Perhaps I could only tell because of how well I knew Lemon, but this spirit was essentially a newborn.

“Was this you, Lemon?” I asked, opening my eyes and withdrawing my chi.

I wasn’t sure if she’d be able to respond given how far we were from her tree, but a root immediately shot from the ground in response. Lemon nodded with the entire root, but it wasn’t necessary. I could feel her pride. She had done this. There was a hint of trickery in her emotions, too, dwelling beneath her overwhelming sense of accomplishment.

“Lemon!” I laughed. “How long have you been scheming to do this?”

Long, she sent me. Very long.

I wrapped an arm around her thick root. “You did good... I think.”

I turned to Barry, keen on weighing his reaction, but Barry was occupied.

“Fischer...”

“Yeah, mate?”

“What is that?”

I squinted in the direction he pointed, spotting a large shape over the western mountains. A familiar shape shot from the net, and lightning wreathed Claws’s body as she rocketed toward me. Halfway to us, she changed course. Claws slammed down against the giant blue trunk of the newly grown tree.

She climbed up into the canopy, letting out a chirp that I interpreted as, “What in the frack...?”

“Fischer,” Barry said, drawing my attention away from Claws’s intoxicating curiosity.

“What’s up, mate?”

“The plan was to bring back the cultivators from six squads, right? Four times six. Twenty-four cultivators.”

“That was the plan, wasn’t it?”

“It was...” He slowly spun, raising both his brows. “That’s a lot more than twenty four cultivators, and there’s only one person who could have ordered your animal pals to bring them...”

“Uhhhh.” I gave him an apologetic smile. “My bad?”

Barry let out a long sigh. “What happened?”

I gave him a brief rundown as Pelly and Bill closed the distance with the seventy-odd superhumans and lowered the net to the ground.

“Lord Osnan was a cultivator, too...” Ellis mused as he scribbled in his notepad.

“Okay.” Barry ran a hand through his hair. “This significantly changes our plans, but I guess it can’t be helped. I have one more question, though.”

“What’s that?”

Barry pointed at the man Cinnamon helped down to the ground. “Who is that?”

“I’m Deklan,” Deklan said.

“That’s Deklan,” I agreed.

Danny stepped forward, his face smothered with disbelief. “Deklan? Is that really you, lad?”

“Oh. Hey, Danny,” he replied, entirely too relaxed considering the events of the night. “Haven’t seen you since you went missing. How’s it going?”

“You know him?” Barry asked.

“Aye...” Danny answered, still staring at the guard. “Deklan was stationed in the castle when we left the capital.”

Barry slowly spun my way again. “Fischer... Why did you steal one of the castle’s guards?”

“I didn’t. Deklan wanted to come fishing.”

“Is that true?” Theo asked, his eyes pinned to the lackadaisical guard.

Deklan nodded. “Yeah. It sounds relaxing.”

“You’re telling the truth...?” Theo’s face turned incredulous. “You abandoned the kingdom because you want to fish...?”

“Wellll,” I said, drawing the word out, then pointed at the cultivator Claws had tied a pink bow to. “We also might have abducted his brother?”

“Freed,” Barry corrected.

“Yeah, that. There’s, uh, one more thing you should probably know.” I glanced at the Deklan, trying to convey an apology for what I was about to do to him. “Deklan was the guard assigned to watch the relics.”

Ellis appeared before Deklan in a blur, moving so fast that a wall of wind blew the guard’s hair back.

“Is that true?” Ellis demanded, his notepad and pencil poised to write.

“Uh... yeah.” Deklan cocked his head to the side, looking Ellis’s lizard suit up and down. “Are you a human or a spirit beast?”

“With me, Theo!” Ellis called,completely ignoring the question as he led the poor guard away.

Sorry, mate, I thought, watching them go.

“So,” Barry said, “About the cultivators...”

I winced. “Are you mad?”

He shook his head, smiling. “I’m not mad, Fischer. It’s on brand, to be honest. I should have known you wouldn’t be okay with leaving people behind. You were worried about them being punished, right?”

“Yeahhh. I kind of embarrassed that Lord Osnan bloke, and he seemed the kind of dickhead to take it out on others.”

“Okay. It’s not ideal, but we can probably work with this. The issue is that some of them might be mad, if not just outright evil. We stole enough collars from the capital to control any that exhibit such behavior, but that was only assuming we brought the original amount of cultivators back.”

Someone groaned among the pile of cultivators as one of them regained consciousness. Barry tilted his head and turned their way, likely intending to ask them some questions, but he was too slow.

“Claws! Wait!” I tried, but it was too late.

She flew into the net and unleashed a jolt of lighting. The cultivator’s body went rigid, then slack once more as he fell back unconscious, and Claws turned to Barry with a wide grin, waiting for the praise she no-doubt believed was coming her way.

“Claws...” Barry said. “Please tell me you haven’t been doing that this entire time.”

Realizing she wasn’t going to be praised, Claws crossed her arms and scowled at Barry, releasing a defensive chirp.

“I know I told you to keep them placid,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “I didn’t think you’d be electrifying them to do it. Please don’t do that anymore—we don’t want to cause any permanent damage.”

Whatever, Claws chirped back, pretending Barry didn’t exist as she marched back to the giant tree haughtily.

On the other side of the net, another cultivator stirred.

“Open the net,” Barry ordered. Pelly, Bill, and Cinnamon burst into action, cutting lengths of rope that held it together. Within a moment, the rigid net’s sides fell away, and the cultivators were free.

Barry and I stood before the stirring woman, and she let out a groan as she sat up.

“What happened...?” she asked, her voice bleary. She looked around in confusion at the surrounding bodies, and when her gaze flicked up to me and Barry, she froze.

I recognized the woman. She was one of the cultivators that had been in the grove. And she, it appeared, also recognized me. Sheer terror crossed her face as she stared up at me, her eyes going wide. She leaned back, getting as far from me as she could without moving her limbs.

“What...” She licked her lips. “What are you...?”

“I’m Fischer. Nice to meet you.” I gave her a hopefully disarming smile. “Are you mad, by the way?”

“Mad...?” she asked, the question confusing enough to replace her fear for a moment.

“Yeah. Mad. You know. Crazy. Insane. Do you have a burning desire to kill people and bathe in the blood of the fallen?”

Her eyebrows knitted. “Ew. No.”

“See?” I said, grinning at Barry. “Not mad!”

“Riiight,” he drawled, then kneeled down so he was eye level with the woman. “My name is Barry. What’s yours?”

She swallowed. “Anna...”

“Nice to meet you, Anna.” Barry nodded at me. “This is Fischer. He’s a traveler from another realm, and seems to be the catalyst for chi returning to the world.”

“Woah!” I held up both hands. “Don’t you put that evil on me Ricky Bobby!”

Barry rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Fischer. Stop being weird in front of the new cultivators.”

“You’re no fun,” I said with a pout, then shot a wink at Anna.

She just blinked up at us, not saying a word.

“And this,” Barry said, standing and stepping aside so Anna could see everyone else. Humans, spirit beasts, and even a sapient root nodded, waved, or smiled at Anna. “This is the Church of Fischer’s congregation. We rescued you all from the capital, and when we can confirm you’re not mad, as Fischer so eloquently put it, we plan to free you.”

Shaking, Anna’s hand drifted to her neck. With the shock of regaining consciousness around some sort of fantasy-land cult, she hadn’t even realized she was no longer wearing a collar. Her other hand joined the first as it felt her bare neck.

Her lip trembled, and she slowly took in the other collarless cultivators surrounding her. The tremble spread to her jaw, and she looked down at her hands as tears started flowing down her cheeks.

“I’m... free?”

Her voice broke with the last word, and she wrapped her arms around her legs, curling into a ball as sobs wracked her small body.

Maria appeared at her side.

“Maria!” Roger yelled. “Get back!”

“Oh, shush,” Sharon said, flicking her husband’s arm. She appeared at Anna’s other side and rubbed her back with circular motions.

“It’s okay, love,” Maria said, doing her best to console the overwhelmed woman.

Barry turned toward the rest of the congregation. “Okay, everyone! We need to move these people. The villagers could come to see what the deal is with the giant blue tree at any moment! Is the church safe to occupy?”

“I wouldn’t go further than the tree room,” Sue answered.

“Former tree room, more like,” Sturgill answered with a grimace. “It was destroyed.”

“Thank you,” Barry replied, his voice holding a feeling of authority. “That sounds too dangerous, so I want these cultivators moved to Lemon’s clearing. When they wake, let them know about us and our mission. If they cultivate, restrain them. If they attack—and I do mean only if they attack, Claws—knock them out until Fischer and I are finished.”

Claws saluted.

“Dismissed,” Barry said, and everyone exploded into motion.

“Uhhh, Barry?” I raised an eyebrow at him. “What did you mean when you said until Fischer and I are finished?”

“Sorry, mate,” he replied, not at all looking apologetic. “You brought back almost fifty extra cultivators. I’m going to need your help fixing that.”

“Yeah, which I’m down for... but how?”

“The congregation is getting pretty big, wouldn’t you say?”

Sensing a trap, I raised an eyebrow. “It is...”

“Well, Fischer...” He gave me a wry smile. “I think it’s about time we build a bigger church.”