Her True Form

Yvette chewed on her lower lip, eyeing her journal held open in her lap. She fiddled with the tip of her quill and tried to come up with something that could be useful.

They’d been here nearly a week now and she’d come no closer to getting her hands on the spell. She and Gervas had been given a guest bedroom and, every day, she had spent as much time as she could around Cecily.

Not that it had done any good. She’d come up with excuse after excuse to bother the elder mage and even gone down the chamber housing the relics more times than she could count. Fortunately, Cecily seemed more than willing to answer any questions she had, even about the most simple spells.

The mage had even been kind enough to send a message to check on Ferant. To her delight, it seemed he was making a full recovery, though Lady Isouda had sent a letter filled with apologies and how she hoped they would visit again, how sorry she was that they had to leave on important business. The woman had even sent Gervas’ spear, shield and gloves along with the message. Yvette was starting to wonder if maybe her guardian just was a bit overly paranoid. Even with that news he seemed untrusting of the woman.

She shook her head and focused on the task at hand, trying to stop her mind from wandering. The key never left Cecily’s person, no matter where she went. The only time the woman might possibly take it off was when she went to bed. But the grandmaster’s room had so many enchantments on it that Yvette didn’t dare try to get in, knowing it would possibly be the end of her.

She’d come up with a dozen ideas, all of which were crossed out and borderline suicidal. Any attempt to use magic on the other woman would have been incredibly foolish. She could, possibly, try to steal it without her noticing. But she had no idea how.

Yvette let out a low growl of frustration.

“Are you okay?” Gervas’ voice shattered her thoughts and she quickly closed her book before looking up at him.

“Yes! I’m fine! I’m fine. I’m definitely fine. How long have you been there? When did you get here?” she asked, panic rising in her.

“Was that your journal?” he asked with an amused smile. “Don’t worry, I didn’t see anything.”

Yvette let out a sigh of relief, hugging the book to her chest. “Good. It’s private.”

“Of course. I’d never read a girl’s journal.”

“You’d read a guy’s?”

“Well, no. But I thought you’d appreciate it more if I said it that way.”

Her cheeks went a little red. “I do. What are you doing here?”

“I’m curious how long you plan for us to stay. If you plan to wait here until my contract is out, you’re welcome to. But you’ve still got plenty you wanted to see before then, haven’t you?” Despite his words, she noticed the tension in his face, the way his arms clenched when they were crossed. She suspected he wanted to leave as soon as possible.

She sighed and lowered her eyes. “I’m just busy. That’s all. I’m learning a lot.”

“You can learn more by seeing the world.”

“Do you want to leave?”

“Why would I want to leave? I’m just trying to help you. That’s all.”

Yvette slowly shook her head. “Because she’s your grandmother. Is that why you want to leave?”

Gervas tensed up, giving a light shudder. “I told her not to tell you that...”

“Not tell me that? Why?”

“Any of my clients. I’m her grandson, but that doesn’t mean we’re connected,” he said firmly.

“She seems nice.”

“Lots of people seem nice until you get to know them,” he said coldly. “What does this have to do with anything?”

Her eyes moved up to stare at him. “Nothing. I’m sorry. I don’t… know. I’m not ready to leave you. Yet. I don’t know when I will be. I just need to be here a little bit longer. I’m sorry, please be patient.”

Gervas sat down on the bed, making it bounce lightly. “Yvette, what’s going on? You haven’t been yourself in days. You don’t smile, you barely eat. You’re always talking with the grandmaster, but not about anything important. Half the day you hide in this room. What are you planning?”

“N-nothing. I’m just still trying to find my inspiration. I’m not the only mage who has stayed here this long. She said I could stay here as long as I want, I--”

“What inspiration?” he asked, his eyes narrowing and making her tense up.

“What?”

“What inspiration are you looking for? Yvette, I haven’t known you very long but even I can tell that something is wrong. What has you so tense and upset?”

Her eyes widened. Was it possible she was that noticeably nervous? What if Cecily could tell? She stared up at him before softly clearing her throat, glancing to the door to make sure it was closed. She reached down to her bracer and tapped it, before waving her hand towards the door. For a moment, a dark fog enveloped it, before disappearing. A simple spell to dampen any sound from leaving the room. “If I tell you… will you promise to never tell anyone?”

“What?” he asked, glancing down at her arm. “Yvette, what are you--”

“Promise me. Swear to me you’ll never tell anyone. Swear you won’t try to stop me. Even if it is a stupid idea.”

He sighed and then, slowly, he reached out and patted her on the head. “You are considering it, aren’t you?”

“What?” she asked.

“Stealing from the vault.”

She jerked, her arms tightening around her book. “I-I don’t--”

“I’m not stupid, Yvette. Did you forget our little talk? The only spell that can turn you, fully, into yourself is a forbidden one, isn’t it?”

Yvette slowly nodded. “Yes.”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t be that desperate. That you wouldn’t try anything so stupid,” he muttered.

“Are you going to tell Grandmaster Cecily?”

“Wouldn’t that be a fine thank you?” he asked. “You save my life from being sacrificed to some golem, then I turn you over to be executed.”

She cringed and nodded. “Possibly.”

“You won’t give this up, will you?” he asked. “You’re a girl now, this risk isn’t worth it. Your chances are--”

“Even if I had no chance at all, I have to try,” Yvette whispered. “I can’t not try. I can’t give in and just accept this. I just want to be right, even if nobody else wants me to. I… I won’t ask you to help. I know it’s… I know it’s dangerous. If I’m caught, I won’t tell her you know, either. Just if you know any way I can get that key from her. Some weakness I missed. If I could just get one chance to be myself, I… I...”

Gervas shook his head. “There’s one way. I… I’ll help you.”

Her heart leaped. “Y-you will?”

“I suspected you’d try this. I’ve been going over an idea for a while. It won’t be easy. But… tonight. Head to your room early. Don’t come out until far later in the evening, after the apprentices would have gone to sleep. Then just come down to the great hall.”

“Great hall? Why? What are you going to do?”

“Just trust me. You’ll only have an hour or two to get in and out. Okay? So just be careful. Do not let anyone see you. Promise me. If you’re going to do something stupid and reckless, you’re going to do it with my help and do it my way. Understand?”

“I will! I promise,” she said quickly, her heart pounding. She couldn’t believe he was going to help her.

“Good.” He reached out once more and pat her on the head. “Yvette? Don’t think you ever have to do any of this alone. Okay? I told you. My job is to help keep you safe.”

Her stomach did another small flip and she felt her face grow warm. “T-thank you. For everything. I never could have asked for a better guardian.”

“No one could. I’ll see you tonight,” he said before getting to his feet and walking towards the door. He paused a moment in the frame. “Are you sure you want to do this? If you fail--”

“I have to try. I can’t accept the way things are,” she said firmly.

“Then good luck.”

------

Yvette paced back and forth across her room, trying to push down the waves of anxiety washing over her. As terrified as she was of failure, she found one thought that kept creeping into her mind that was, somehow, worse. If anything happened to Gervas, how could she ever forgive herself?

Her arms clutched her journal tightly to her chest, her mind racing through their earlier discussion. He was going to help her. Nobody had EVER wanted to help her in this. To take on the risk. To support her.

She wasn’t doing this alone. For the first time in her life, she felt as if she had backup. Somebody was truly on her side and willing to help her achieve her goal. Help her be herself. Not empty platitudes or useless advice. Actual aid.

Her eyes went moist at the thought, though she quickly tried to blink it away.

She wasn’t alone. She was truly not alone. She had someone she could count on who accepted her and wanted to help her. Even if he was her guardian, she knew this went so far above what he was required to do that she never knew how she could thank him.

She swore if she somehow made it through tonight, she’d find some way to thank him, even if it took her a lifetime once she was fully herself. She glanced at the candle in her room, counting the marks it had gone down now. Satisfied, she slowly opened the door to her room and peered outside.

The hall was empty.

Yvette let out a soft sigh of relief and started walking down the hall, careful to make as little noise as possible and praying to the gods she wouldn’t accidentally awaken anyone else. She focused intently, listening for the sound of anyone else walking the halls at night.

She heard the light sound of boots on stone and quickly moved to one of the doorways. With a small spell she formed the sound dampening fog over the door before opening it and sliding inside, leaving it open just a crack.

The steps got louder and louder until one of the guards walked past, a spear held in their hands. He didn’t even look towards the door, a bored, tired expression on his face when he walked by. She let out a sigh of relief before glancing back at the room she’d entered. Another one of the guest rooms, mercifully empty. Once the sound of footsteps disappeared she slid out from the room and continued her journey down the hall.

She didn’t run into any more guards on the way to the Great Hall and let out a sigh of relief when she finally stepped into the room. She froze at the sight before her.

Only Cecily and Gervas were in the room. The table held a few empty tankards, with Grandmaster Cecily leaning over the table, her head resting on it. Gervas didn’t seem to be faring much better, holding his head in his hands. No one else was in the room. She jogged towards the two. “What happened?” she whispered once she was close enough for him to hear.

“Not so loud,” Gervas whispered.

“Is she drunk?” Yvette asked, sniffing one of the bottles and cringing at the strong, pungent scent.

“A bit. I mixed some things in with her drink. I had a little, but not as much. She’ll be out until morning,” he muttered. “Take the key and go.”

“What about you?” she asked, staring at the poor man. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yes. Just get your spell and come back. If you’re fast, no one will ever even know you were there. Go!” he ordered.

She nodded before glancing to the grand master. Her cheeks burned a little redder when she tugged on the front of the woman’s robes, relieved to see that she wore a tunic under the robe as well. It took her only a moment to find the inner pocket and pull the key free, the elder woman not even moving. She eyed the grandmaster with awe. Cecily didn’t even snore, she just looked calm and peaceful.

“Yvette,” Gervas snapped. “Hurry it up.”

“Right,” she whispered, before sliding the key into an inner pocket of her own robe. Her heart did another leap before she turned and raced out from the room.

She just had to make it to the book. She had the key. Thanks to Gervas, it was all going to work out. She’d finally be able to be herself. She couldn’t believe how easy it all seemed now.

She passed by two more guards on the way, but her quieting spell proved to be invaluable. Before she knew it, she once again stood in front of the massive door housing the vault. With one final sound dampening spell, she inserted the key and turned, the door slowly opening. Once it was open enough for her to slide inside, she pulled the key free and waited a few moments for the door to close itself.

She heard no noises, no cries to stop. All she felt was a small breeze from the closing door.

She was inside the chamber. She’d made it into the vault. Her heart almost soared and she couldn’t resist letting out a small squeal of delight.

She’d done it. She’d finally done it. She raced down the hall, heedless of anything else. Finally, after so long, she’d be able to be herself. Within moments the golden book was within sight and she skidded to a stop, not even fully halted before she reached out, opening the massive tome.

The pages were a dazzling white, covered with swirling, arcane runes she didn’t recognize. Try as she might to focus on them, they seemed to dance across the page on their own in a pattern she couldn’t--

Horror coursed through her veins and she tried to look away, but found she couldn’t.

“Do you know the difference between apprentices, journeymen and masters?” Cecily’s voice echoed through the hall, filling the young mage with dread. “An apprentice admires their master and tries to learn all they can. A journeyman believes they know everything and ignores their master. And a master realizes just how little they know.”

Yvette found her body slowly closing the book on its own volition before she turned down the hall she had come. Cecily seemed to materialize out of the air, a frown of mild annoyance on her face.

“H-how? You… you were unconscious...” Yvette whispered, staring at her.

“Do you really believe I made it to the rank of grandmaster without knowing how to craft such a simple illusion?” the woman asked before shaking her head. “No, of course you did. Journeymen often are so simple. Those spells,” she said, before motioning to the book. “Did you really believe that we would protect them with nothing more than a single key? Did you believe we would protect any of these artifacts with just a key?”

Yvette’s heart felt as if it was sinking into the floor. “It’s not the… the...”

“The true spells? No. Only I have access to them, but they are protected by more than just a simple, physical key.” The elder woman walked forward, shaking her head. “You’re hardly the first journeyman to try and steal from the vault. But having my own grandson try to poison me? I never thought I’d see the day he became so foolish.” She held out her left hand and Yvette’s left arm slowly rose. “For your crimes against all mage kind, I hereby strip you of your rank.”

Yvette’s eyes widened before pain shot through her arm. Her bracer had erupted into fire, burning through the robes and leaving dark, red burns across her wrist. Across the back of her hand was a single rune. The mark of a fallen mage. She stared up at the woman, tears in her eyes.

“As per the laws of the Mage’s Association, you are hereby deemed a fallen mage.”

“Where are you sending me?” she whispered.

“That is yet to be determined, fallen mage,” Cecily said before reaching out with her staff, pressing the tip against Yvette’s forehead. Pain shot through the journeyman’s skull, making her let out another shriek of pain. “I hereby evoke my rights as Grandmaster Cecily, Golden Keeper of the Vaults. Against this traitor to all our kind, I demand only the truth. May your tongue speak true and condemn you for the deeds you have performed.” The staff was pulled back and Yvette stumbled away, her body under her control once again, though her tongue tingled.

“W-what did you do to me?” she asked softly.

Cecily stared at her with eyes filled with boredom. “Merely a truth spell. Now then, tell me. What is your name?”

“Yvette.”

The made the woman pause, her eyes narrowing. “Your name is Yvette? Not Tebaud?”

“MY NAME IS NOT TEBAUD! I’M NOT TEBAUD!” she screamed, her hands clenching into fists and shaking.

“I see. And who trained you?”

“Master Betan.”

“Did Gervas willingly aid you?”

Yvette’s eyes widened. She was going to be punished either way. But she could still help her guardian. “Yes.” Her heart nearly stopped. NO! No he didn’t! He hadn’t helped her! She’d enchanted him! Though, try as she did to say the lie, the words refused to come out, her tongue not obeying her.

“I see. Did you give him the poison to use against me?”

“No. I didn’t know what he planned to do tonight.” She internally screamed, trying to get her tongue to stop.

“Why did he help you?”

“I don’t know. Nobody else would have.”

“I’d have hoped he would have been wise enough to not, but it seems I overestimated him as well. Young fool...” Cecily muttered, a hand reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “I knew that mindset of his would one day lead to trouble. Renouncing his talents only makes it easier to be tricked. Very well, I will deal with him later. Now you, young Yvette. Tell me everything you desired to steal from this vault.”

“The spell to make my transformation spell permanent.”

She saw a slight waiver in the elder mage’s eyes at that answer. “Why?”

“Because I want to be a girl. I want to change my form, permanently, so I can be a girl forever.”

Cecily nodded. “I see. What else did you wish to use it for.”

“Nothing. That was all.”

“What else did you wish to take from here, then? What other spell?”

“Nothing,” Yvette said softly.

“Did you wish to transform anyone else? Sell this spell?”

“No and no.”

Frustration etched the woman’s face now and she shook her head. “Why go to such lengths to do that? Why risk your very life for this? If you desired to be with my grandson, any male, there would be no need to go through such lengths.”

“Because I’m a girl and I want to stop feeling this way. Gervas had nothing to do with it, neither did anyone else.”

Cecily sighed. “I understand that--” Yvette couldn’t hold it in anymore, her anger exploded. She was so tired of hearing empty words like that.

“NO YOU DON’T!” Yvette screamed. “No one except Gervas has ever TRIED to understand!”

“Child, I don’t--”

“You don’t want to! Everyone thinks I’m weird or crazy or that it’s just something I’ll go through and one day stop. I-I thought it was. I really thought it was. I thought if I tried, I could get through it and it’d go away. I tried to be a man. I tried to be like I thought I was supposed to be. Every day I would wake up and just feel wrong. Every night I would pray to the stars that, somehow, I could just feel right for once. That this feeling, this wrongness would just go away. The only time it has ever faded was when I was a girl. You can’t see it though. You don’t understand. You can’t understand how it feels to just feel wrong. To feel like your entire body shouldn’t be this way. To stare at a girl and just feel jealous that you can’t be like them, to cry yourself to sleep because you can’t be like them. To want so badly to be right that you’d give up anything. And I will. I would. I have.”

The frown on Cecily’s face had faded, replaced by one of pity. “Oh Yvette… I see,” she whispered. “Perhaps you are right, I can’t understand. But I am not without mercy. I can understand why you felt you needed to do this, but our laws are clear. I will give you one chance. Make a vow to me, under the truth spell, that you will give up this quest of yours and never try to gain such forbidden magics again. Vow this and I will release you as a fallen mage and you may leave as you will. It is the best you can hope for.”

Yvette stared at the woman. There it was. A single, small hope. If she made this vow, she could leave. She’d survive, at the least. Being a fallen mage might not be so bad, if she--

But the very idea of giving up on being herself made her feel sick to the stomach. “No,” she whispered. “I can’t.”

“Yvette, if you cannot, the judgment I must cast is clear. We cannot allow a fallen mage to become a threat. Is this really worth your life?”

“This is my life,” Yvette said, staring into the woman’s eyes. “I never lived until I was Yvette. I won’t give up. I won’t stop fighting. I will never abandon my attempts to find this spell. If I have to travel the world and recreate it myself, I will. I don’t care if it takes me a hundred years. I’ll find a way to be myself. Because that is the only way I can live. I might not survive but I will do whatever I have to live.”

Cecily sighed and closed her eyes. “Very well. As you have deemed yourself a threat, there is only one thing I can. I, Grandmaster Cecily, Golden Keeper of the Vaults, hereby judge you as a traitor to all of our kind. The only punishment to be granted in this case is simple. Death.”

Yvette closed her eyes when the mage raised her staff, awaiting the final blow.

“As one who has stolen one of our forbidden spells, may any mage who finds you crossing their path end your miserable life.”

Yvette slowly opened her eyes. “Wait, what?” she asked.

Cecily shook her head and moved to the golden tome. She placed her palm over it and recited a few words under her breath that Yvette couldn’t make out. After a moment, a new tome appeared in place of the golden one. An ancient, black tome with strange ruins written into the cover.

“I don’t understand...” Yvette said softly.

“These spells are forbidden. The judgment for taking them are severe and I cannot revoke them.” The grandmaster shook her head. “But I am the judge. It is my duty to accept that, in some cases, exceptions must be made. I cannot break these rules, but I can bend them.” She flipped the book open before glancing towards her. “Do you hereby vow, under the truth spell, that you will never use this spell on anyone who does not wish it? Do you vow to never become like those who used this spell for their own cruel ends?”

“I… I vow...” Yvette whispered. “You’re going to let me… have it? But… I thought you were going to kill me.”

Cecily stopped on a page and motioned towards it. “I do not know if you’ll be able to cast it. I doubt you’ll ever be able to fully decipher it, or get all the components you need. But...” She gave a sigh and stepped back. “It would be cruel of me to not allow you the chance to try. Once you have the spell, however, you must flee from here. There will be others after you and you will likely die. Or worse. But if that is the path you must follow, I will not stop it.”

Yvette nodded and, slowly, stepped towards the book. She pulled out her journal and paused. “I can’t copy it,” she whispered, once again looking down to her burnt, red arm. The shock of the moment gone, the pain began to flood through it once more.

“Of course,” Cecily whispered before reaching out with her left hand. She gripped the Yvette’s wrist and the pain faded. However, once she pulled back a new bracer had formed on the arm.

One larger than her last and stained with blood. “W-wait, who’s was--”

“Wimark,” Cecily said softly. “Call it the spoils of a hard won battle. You’ll have many ahead of you, young mage, while traveling down this path.”

Yvette nodded, before tapping the bracer once more. She could feel all the different reagents hidden away within it, awaiting her to call them to the surface to cast her spells. However, for now she focused on a simple spell she’d known since she was an apprentice. With an excited, nervous heart she pulled out her journal and began to copy the spell over to it.

She didn’t know how long it would take her to decipher all of the requirements, but she now had everything she needed within her grasp. Her first step was complete. Once it was complete she let out a soft sigh of contentment and stared at the spell. “I did it...” she whispered.

“Good. Now, there is one last thing,” Cecily said.

“What?”

“I’m afraid I can’t let anyone know I gave you this chance. Especially not you. I’m sorry.” The elder mage gently tapped the end of her staff on Yvette’s forehead. “I wish you luck.”

The journeyman stared in confusion, moments before the world went dark and the floor reached up to catch her.